Law and Peace (14 page)

‘But why not just hold our horses and sort out the investigations first off?' asked ScandalMonger.

‘Look, the bottom line,' said Slippery, ‘is that our chances of winning are pretty low and the longer we leave it the more time they will have to prepare what I imagine will be a formidable array of defences. Our best chance as we've discussed before is to go for the quick pitch battle early on.'

‘But surely the judge will give them time to prepare?' continued ScandalMonger.

‘A reasonable time, sure. But when we start shouting that they're trying to filibuster the cases until our elderly clients die and their damages claims reduce significantly, I think the judge is going to sit up and listen.'

As I listened, none of this really came as news to me as I'd already had quite lengthy discussions about it with Slippery. But I did have a suggestion to add to the pot that hadn't yet been mooted. ‘Why don't we include the two ringers in our list of six test cases? It'll completely put them off guard. They'll think that they will be able to manipulate two of the cases in their favour and undoubtedly taint the others, too.'

There was absolute silence as what I was suggesting began to sink in. TheBoss was the first to speak. ‘And then we drop the dodgy two at the last moment and hey presto, they've just lost their trump card.'

‘Brilliant, BabyB,' said Slippery.

‘I would have expected nothing less,' said TheBoss, with a wry smile in my direction.

 

 

Monday 4 February 2008

Year 2 (week 19): Stocks 'n' shares

 

I went through the finer details of the Moldy cases with ScandalMonger today.

‘I like your style, BabyB,' he said. ‘Shame more barristers can't be quite so devious.'

I shrugged this off and then he gave me a thoughtful look, put his feet up on the desk and took a deep breath. ‘The thing is, BabyB, you and your friend TopFirst may have some sort of fight going and he may also have brought in the odd accomplice along the way. But my own take on these cases as a whole is that it goes much deeper than that. I don't know whether you've noticed, but the shares in the telecom company that we're suing have plummeted in the past couple of months.'

‘Er, yes, I had noticed, actually.'

‘I wouldn't put it past them to be fiddling the stock market in one form or another. Maybe they want you to get a case which at least looks bad just to send their share price down.'

‘Why would they do that?'

‘So they could then buy them back later, of course.'

‘Later?'

‘When they beat you in court, BabyB.'

‘If,' I corrected.

‘Yes, yes, of course,' he said dismissively. ‘But it's also got me thinking that there may be money to be made for our part, too. You know we can pretty easily predict which way the share price is going to go when we know what evidence we're about to put into the public domain.'

I looked a little shocked at the suggestion of some sort of insider dealing.

‘Not that I'd involve you, BabyB. It's just I thought I'd mention it.'

Well, thanks. You just thought you'd innocently mention it. Make me a part of your little conspiracy once again and then leave my failure to dob you in as a way to incriminate me further. This is just what I need.

 

 

Tuesday 5 February 2008

Year 2 (week 19): Phishing

 

With TopFirst plotting, I decided to set a little contingency plan in motion. So I bought myself a fax number and a domain name very similar to www.ukwhoswho.com, the home page for the famous dictionary of the establishment itself,
Who's Who
. I then set up forwarding from my site to the authentic one and sent TopFirst an email from ‘editor@' followed by the new domain in the following terms:

 

Dear TopFirst,

You have been recommended by a number of senior barristers and judges as one of the rising stars of the English Bar, and I would therefore like to invite you to submit an entry to
Who's Who
2009
. You have been allocated up to one hundred words. Please fill out the enclosed form and sign it and add your credit card details in order that we may charge you the subscription fee of £85 (+VAT). Then fax it back to the number specified.

Yours sincerely,

James Bowling-Hunt,

Associate Editor,
Who's Who

 

It's a long shot but it has the one advantage of playing to two of TopFirst's main weaknesses: arrogance and vanity. If he falls for it, the credit card details would have the potential to cause no end of damage online.

 

 

Wednesday 6 February 2008

Year 2 (week 19): Escalation

 

Whilst OldSmoothie was given no say over the choice of test cases, Slippery was telling me today that he's allowed him to choose another junior barrister to add to the mix. As he explained it to me, ‘Don't worry, BabyB, it won't water down your own fees. On the contrary, the more people we have involved, the bigger and more important the case looks and the better the argument we'll have for all our fees being increased.'

I wasn't in the slightest concerned about that, although I do have to admit to hoping that he wouldn't choose TheCreep who, with all his earnest wranglings, has a rare ability to suck the humour out of any situation.

‘It won't happen, BabyB. Whilst I've technically given him a choice, it was strictly on the condition that he chose TheVamp for whom I've always had a soft spot.'

I'm sure you have, you dirty old man, but for my part I was delighted to hear that nevertheless. Then he added, ‘I mean, with most judges still being hoary old men it makes complete sense to have TheVamp sitting pretty? Kind of trumps UpTights, wouldn't you say?'

Not quite what they train you for at Bar School but then it's dirty dog eat dirty dog out there, and if Slippery wants to spend his days at court drooling over TheVamp then that's up to him. Apparently he's already told her but until he decides to announce it officially, OldSmoothie can prance around chambers waving a golden ticket in front of unsuspecting juniors who might be interested.

Meanwhile, we were officially informed today that UpTights has brought BusyBody into the case to assist her and TopFirst.

Oh, and TopFirst replied back to my fake email pretty much immediately with credit card details and all. Of course he did. Arrogance and vanity. My twin allies in this particular little battle. At least it's a start in my search for some sort of insurance policy against his plots.

 

 

Thursday 7 February 2008

Year 2 (week 19): OldSmoothie's number two

 

No sooner had word got out about the place on the team ostensibly being available than TheCreep was round first to OldSmoothie's room, then to mine and then back to his main target. ‘Ooh, OldSmoothie, you're so funny. Ooh, OldSmoothie, you're so clever.' He even offered to make me a coffee for the first time ever. Must feel quite a comedown to have to be creeping up to people even more junior than him. Though I think the whole point is that he's either got the brassiest of brass necks ever or more likely he has such a complete lack of insight that he simply doesn't see what everyone else sees: that, as OldSmoothie so politely put it, ‘he's an irritating and servile little cretin who when things don't go his way is also a sulky, spoilt little mummy's boy'. Not a great combination at the best of times and today I was finding him even more annoying than usual. Yet despite his professed views on TheCreep, OldSmoothie has never been one to turn down a bit of praise, however false its origin. Nor indeed did he turn down the lunch that TheCreep insisted on buying him. In return OldSmoothie rather cruelly, even for him, left TheCreep with the false impression that he would pick him as his junior with a deliberately misleading choice of words.

True to form, within about five minutes TheCreep had run around the whole of chambers like an excited child letting anyone he could find know. No more hot drinks being made for me since he, according to his own legend, was now ‘Second in command of the Moldy ship' (ouch). When he did eventually pay me a visit, the nearest he got to talking about coffee was when he said at one point, ‘I knew he'd pick me, BabyB. Cream always rises to the top.' (Ouch again.)

By chambers tea, he still couldn't contain himself and was blabbing away to everyone about it. TheVamp couldn't help having a bit of fun and said, ‘I hear you bought OldSmoothie lunch today.'

‘Er, that's right,' said TheCreep, looking a little shifty.

‘Doesn't that breach the Code of Conduct? Making a gift for the purpose of soliciting work.'

TheCreep went a deep shade of red and stammered disingenuously, ‘There was only one reason I bought lunch for OldSmoothie and that was due to the high regard I hold him in professionally.'

TheVamp came back with, ‘Well, the acid test for these things is apparently the blush test. Would the gesture make the person blush? You and your little rosy cheeks just gave the game away MrCrushyBlushy.'

Before TheCreep could dig his hole any deeper, The Busker then said, ‘I've always felt that the blush test was slightly unfair and weighted against those with, er,' he looked at The Creep and continued, ‘a more nervous disposition. I mean, on that test, it's a carte blanche to TheVamp since she's never blushed at anything.'

TheVamp smiled at TheBusker taking it in the spirit in which it was intended. Then she turned to TheCreep and asked him, ‘So what exactly did OldSmoothie say anyway?'

‘He told me that I'd make a perfect little number two.'

His back straightened as he said it, as if somehow standing to attention just at the thought. There was a short silence as people tried to suppress laughter, some of them even looking a little awkward. Eventually, TheVamp couldn't resist and replied, ‘His little number two. How very appropriate. Like acting as his right hand then?'

TheCreep was still struggling to get his head around the possibility that his status wasn't quite as elevated as he'd imagined and answered only with, ‘Er . . .'

Which left him open to her parting shot of, ‘If you'll all excuse me but I must dash for a number one.'

 

 

Friday 8 February 2008

Year 2 (week 19): Selling short

 

Had a call from ScandalMonger today.

‘Hey, BabyB. Just thought I'd ring and tell you that Slippery and I have bought a few positions in relation to the telecom shares.'

‘What do you mean, “positions”?' I asked, slightly confused.

‘Sold short, that's what.'

‘Oh, well that's much clearer now. Thanks for that. Have you bought some shares?' I asked, trying to clarify what on earth he was going on about.

‘Not exactly. We just borrow them from the broker.'

‘That's nice of him. So did
he
have to buy the shares?'

‘Er, well, no, actually. He just borrowed them from someone else.'

Which all started to remind me of TheBusker's defence to a theft case where he argued it wasn't exactly stealing but instead, merely gleaning. But, hey, what do I know?

‘BabyB, BabyB, you need to be a bit more financially savvy, the business you're in. To put it more simply, what we've done is made bets on the share price falling.'

Now
that
I could understand. Then he added, ‘Oh, and we didn't want to leave you out of the profits that we're going to make, so we also bought a few just for you. Special like. Call it a gift. You just keep on doing your job and we'll all be in clover.'

Oh, how generous they are. At every turn they're splicing me further into little pieces. One compromise followed by another until it's impossible to back out. First there was having ScandalMonger on board in exchange for my mother's house. Now the shares. Here I am stuck between another rock and another hard place. To dob them in now would mean admitting complicity up to this point and also causing my mother to be evicted from her home. But not to do so will mean that I've stood by with full knowledge of what they're up to. I feel like the apocryphal frog who thinks that the cool water in the cooking pot is safe and when the temperature is slowly raised bit by bit, he only realises quite what sort of trouble he's in when the water's boiling and it's too late to do anything about it.

 

 

Monday 11 February 2008

Year 2 (week 20): Blagger

 

So today I did someone a favour. He's a good friend of mine from Oxford who I'll call Blagger. He's a banker who can never stop making bets even when he's not at work. This has often landed him in trouble and today was no exception. It all started when I took Blagger and some other friends to dinner in the Inner Temple Hall a few weeks ago. After I'd explained the rules about barristers needing to eat dinners to qualify, Blagger said, ‘If it all comes down to eating dinners, then I'd make a fine barrister indeed.'