Law and Disorder (10 page)

‘Things are far too accountable these days.’ (Meaning: ‘How dare they question my word, even if it was a lie.’)

‘People have no respect.’ (Meaning: ‘Whatever I’ve done wrong, people should still know their place.’)

‘What right do solicitors have to be questioning a barrister in such a way?’ (Meaning: ‘What happened to good, old-fashioned deference and, for good measure, immunity from suit?’)

After anger he moved straight on to fear and it was at that point that HeadClerk came in for a chat.

‘You know, I’ve read what they’re after and since we have absolutely nothing to hide, I would suggest that we give them what they want, wouldn’t you agree?’

TheBoss was in an impossible position and looked caught in the headlights. He couldn’t very well disagree since it would give the game away in an instant. Eventually, the best stalling he could manage was, ‘Well, in principle I would completely agree with that approach. However, I’m not sure we can do that under the Data Protection Act. Have to be very careful, you know, these days.’

HeadClerk rightly looked sceptical. TheBoss was possibly the very last person on the planet to be sensitive to other people’s data protection rights, and each one of us in the room was aware of that. No sooner had the words passed his lips than you could see on his face the realisation that HeadClerk had smoked him out. As he stood on the open plain with a big guilty sign on his forehead, he decided that the only option was retreat. ‘Although I doubt very much that that’ll cause much of a problem. Yes, you’re right. Let’s give them what they want. Nothing to hide, after all.’

HeadClerk replied with a slightly curt and almost sceptical ‘Quite’, before making his exit. Once he had gone, TheBoss went into something of a panic, despite the fact that he tried to play it cool in front of me. ‘Yeah, these computer experts. What do they know anyway?’ He laughed nervously to himself.

I slunk off to make some coffee whilst surreptitiously putting my ear to the door. He immediately rang his IT friend for advice. ‘But would a computer expert be able to find out that the records had been changed retrospectively?’

‘. . .’

‘What do you mean it’s unclear? How am I supposed to know the exact computer system we use? Or even how thorough their expert’s going to be?’

When I arrived back with coffee, he couldn’t sit still for a second. Getting up, walking around the room. Mumbling. Thankfully, as he had become unbearable, he left early. The irony is that whilst TheBoss is still slightly uncertain as to what the computer expert will find, I am in no doubt. He will uncover the fraud. It’s what they do. How they make their money. As simple as that. I was naïve even to have been a passive accomplice. On balance, though, I have decided that TheBoss won’t mention the fact that I knew about it. Involving one’s pupil in a potentially criminal act would only exacerbate his already precarious position. I will therefore sit tight.

Thursday 21 December 2006

Day 59 (week 12): One down . . .

TheBoss has now gone off on his expensive holiday in Barbados.

‘Should keep Her Indoors happy,’ he said as he whisked out of chambers this morning. He’s away now until 8 January. You might think that means pupil freedom, but sadly this has turned out not to be the case. Not only has he left me about twenty sets of papers to plough through but he has also asked another barrister to check that I ‘have enough to do’. So much for Christmas spirit extending to pupils. Not that this has affected TopFirst, who has managed to scrape a week away and still enhance his reputation, since he’s to be best man at the wedding of a friend who just happens to be the son of a judge.

Worrier came to see me today and asked if I had time for a drink after work. Of course I did. She looked absolutely lost, but that wasn’t something particularly unusual for Worrier.

‘BabyB, after all that I’ve been through, they’ve now gone and dismissed my complaint. I just can’t believe it.’

This came as no surprise, but I was beginning to feel like a passive accomplice to the crime also.

‘Oh, Worrier, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry.’

‘I just feel sick to the stomach, BabyB. I’ve had enough of their pompous sexist ways. I’m really starting to doubt if the whole thing is really for me.’

‘Don’t think like that. At least you stuck to your guns. Didn’t lower yourself to their own compromised standards.’

‘I guess you’re right, BabyB.’ Then just to make me feel worse, she added, ‘Thanks anyway for all your support.’

I felt terrible for Worrier, but it did also make me wonder once again whether TheBoss really had a point. Particularly with the loan company’s threats hanging over my mother’s head.

Wednesday 27 December 2006

Day 61 (week 13): Another bluff

Any thoughts about whether TheBoss had a point were only reinforced when it came to Christmas Day itself. I mean, don’t get me wrong, my mother and I have been used to Christmas by ourselves since my father left when I was eight and we were certainly doing our utmost to be cheerful.

‘Look, BabyB,’ she said, ‘I’ve been saving a little something each week for this, so let’s enjoy it. Just these two days. We’ll live like royalty.’

But nothing was going to get rid of the elephant in the room and my mother’s efforts only made the situation more heartbreaking. By the end of Boxing Day I was keen to get back to work and so was in early this morning. It was eerily quiet with only two clerks and three barristers in addition to myself and, of course – who could ever forget? – BusyBody. She and I went out for lunch in festive spirit and I have to admit that when she’s not trying to organise everybody, she’s actually quite nice. Still, it didn’t stop me trying to wind her up a little.

‘I’ve applied to be on two chambers committees, you know. Thought I might be able to lend a hand and all that.’

‘You what? How? Which? When?’

‘Oh, I was told about them the other day. Finance and marketing committees. Apparently they’re even open to pupils.’

Of course, I haven’t really applied for anything of the sort but it might encourage her spirit of busybodying still further. Not that she needs much encouraging, to be fair.

Thursday 28 December 2006

Day 62 (week 13): . . . And another

Had another lunch with BusyBody today. Almost felt like it was becoming a tradition. Winding her up, that is.

‘What do you think of TheBoss?’ I asked.

‘Why do you ask that, BabyB?’

‘Er, well, I was just wondering, that was all.’

‘No. What do you know?’

‘What do you mean? Nothing.’

‘Well, it’s just a strange question to ask out of the blue like that, that’s all.’

‘OK then. It’s just that, well, I’ll only tell you this if you absolutely promise to keep it to yourself?’

‘Of course I will, BabyB. You know that. We’re all barristers now.’

‘Well . . . Look, you absolutely mustn’t tell him that I said this, OK?’

‘Spit it out BabyB. What is it?’

‘It’s just that in a drunken moment at the chambers party he told me that he really fancies you, that’s all.’

Well, the reaction I got was far more than I had expected. She positively blushed and after that was asking questions about him for the rest of lunch.

What I had told her was, of course, not true.

Friday 29 December 2006

Day 63 (week 13): Disinformation

Three lunches in three days. It might even get people talking. True to the spirit of any disinformation campaign, today I told BusyBody something that was not only true but also highly unlikely. Not only will this bolster my other claims when she realises its truth, but it will also serve its primary purpose of completely winding her up. I simply told her what HeadofChambers had said to Worrier about her sex discrimination claim.

I also told her that Worrier had taped the conversation, just to really get her going.

CHAPTER 4

January: YouTube

Rapidity is the essence of war: take advantage of the enemy’s unreadiness, make your way by unexpected routes, and attack unguarded spots.

Sun Tzu,
The Art of War

Tuesday 2 January 2007

Day 64 (week 14): Divorce

It’s a new year and only nine months to go in the battle for tenancy. TheBoss was in work today even though he wasn’t due back until next Monday. Seems his wife kicked him off the holiday. Wants a divorce. More importantly for TheBoss she wants half the assets and maintenance for their two children. This was all I managed to pick up. I can only speculate that he’s been having an affair. Whatever the reason, he’s back at work earning the cash in fear of the amount he’ll be taken for.

All of which put him in a foul mood, and he’s ready to take it out on whatever or whoever is at hand. Today, unfortunately, that was me. I kept out of his way as much as possible and took particular care over his coffee. But if there was a sanctuary for battered pupils run by the likes of the RSPCA, I would definitely have been knocking at their door.

Wednesday 3 January 2007

Day 65 (week 14): Mold

If ever there was a thankless task it was being sent to Mold in North Wales to photocopy documents for TheBoss. Not just for the length of the journey but also for the sheer grottiness of the town. A while back I learnt the word ‘onomatopoeia’, where the word sounds like its meaning.‘Splash’,‘snooze’,or,even better,‘plop’ spring to mind.Mold is definitely one of those and though I’ve never been there, I imagine Grimsby comes into the same category. It was cold, miserable and thoroughly run down, with only the briefest respite coming from the town’s wit who had scrawled the letter ‘y’ on a number of signs.Hence ‘Moldy Industrial Estate’,‘Moldy Social Club’, etc.

As if all of this wasn’t enough, I also had to put up with another baby barrister from London who I’ll call Pashmina.What a liability. Made the characters in
Withnail and I
look positively provincial.

‘Look at the prices on the menu, BabyB. Would you believe it? You could probably get a row of houses here for the cost of a decent meal in London.’ . . . ‘Hmm, prawn cocktail. Quite the height of sophistication.’ ...‘At least it’s authentic.You’ve got to give it that.’ . . . ‘Do you think they talk so slowly due to learning difficulties?’

In the end I asked one of the solicitors on whom she’d cast aspersions as to inbreeding if he’d play along as I told her that he was my elder brother and that I’d been born and brought up in the town. It was of course, a lie, but it certainly served to shut her up for the rest of the afternoon.

Thursday 4 January 2007

Day 66 (week 14): Real clients

We had our first chambers training session today in preparation for our start in court in April. Time to get all the lovely pupils together in one room in chambers taking each other on like baby Jedi. Well actually, not exactly. Worrier was the first to crack.

‘I’m not sure I’ll be ready by April. It’s just too soon.’

‘Oh don’t worry,’ said OldSmoothie, who was leading the session, despite the complaint which had been made against him. ‘You’re expected to make mistakes for at least the first few years.’

‘But it’s such a responsibility having your own clients and absolute responsibility for their cases and what if they complain?’

‘Look. It’ll almost certainly be the only time for most of them that they’ll ever see the back of a real-life courtroom. They won’t know whether you’re good or bad, even when you lose it for them.’

‘Yeah, they’re just pupil practice fodder,’ said TopFirst.

‘I’m not sure they’d quite like to be called that,’ said OldSmoothie, ‘but it isn’t far from the truth.’

‘But how do you control the nerves?’ asked Worrier.

‘Believe me, they’ll be more nervous than you. They just won’t notice,’ replied OldSmoothie.

‘Well, I’m looking forward to my first day,’ said TopFirst in a kind of ‘Well, I’ll have a Babycham’ type of voice. ‘Great chance to prove yourself.’

‘Oh, me too,’ said BusyBody, following the leader. ‘I’ve booked myself on a private advocacy course for a month beforehand so I’ll be raring to go by that point.’

Everyone looked at her like she was mad. Where does she get the time, what with her committees and other stuff on top of all the pupillage work? Is she a machine?

‘But what do we do,’ Worrier was off again,‘if we want to object to something?’

‘Stand up, walk up to the bench and shout “Objection!” in a thick American accent,’ TopFirst said sarcastically.

‘Stop teasing her. You can tell she’s worried.’ It was BusyBody. ‘You just raise your voice and interrupt as best you can.’

Something at which BusyBody is particularly skilled.

Monday 8 January 2007

Day 68 (week 15): BusyBody bites

BusyBody came over for a chat in the library this afternoon. Having already heard from me about the existence of the tape the other day, it was almost as if she felt she had to report in to me today on her progress. She told me that she’d asked Worrier if she could listen to the tape. Worrier had apparently been reluctant but BusyBody had persisted, saying that this was something with which she wanted to help ‘as a woman’. Being the trusting soul that she is, Worrier eventually dug the tape out of her desk and lent it to her for the afternoon along with the recorder. BusyBody said that she had it in her bag and wondered if I wanted to hear it. I replied that I was in a rush but would be very interested to hear what she thought about it later.