Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians (43 page)

Corey: As I was listening to it and getting a little Dusty Springfield, Nancy Sinatra-esque vibe and then during the song, ‘Gimmie Your Seed,’ I felt like you were channeling your inner Madonna.

Margaret: Yeah! Absolutely. I’m a big fan of all those singers. I also worship Debbie Harry. Also Natalie Merchant. I have a voice that’s in that range somewhere. I just have to get it as good as those ladies.

Corey: I just saw Blondie in the venue you’re performing at here in the Bay Area, and she’s still got it.

Margaret: She’s beautiful. I toured with her, and she’s such a lovely woman and such an icon. I really adore her.

Corey: The video and the song for ‘I’m Sorry’ is hysterical, but the back-story is pretty disturbing.
(
The song was inspired by a former crush of Cho’s, a writer she met on her sitcom, “All-American Girl.” When she looked him up years later, Margaret discovered he was in prison—for bludgeoning his wife and putting her body in an attic until it had partially mummified.)

Margaret: Yeah, it’s horrible. Actually, now that guy has heard the song and is trying to contact me from prison. And I’m like, ‘I don’t wanna be in ‘The Mummy Returns.’ It’s so fucked up. It’s really weird. He’s also somebody I used to love. I can’t talk to him, but it feels like maybe I should. Him hearing the song, he’s like, ‘Oh, she’s gonna be there for me.’ I think a lot of people have abandoned him for obvious reasons.

Corey: You’re not going to be smuggling him cigarettes and nudie magazines or anything?

Margaret: No, no. He’s writing a screenplay, and he’s deep into work.

Corey: Does he have a chance of getting out?

Margaret: Yeah, yeah. It’s really not that long that he’s in prison. I think 26 years, and he’s served three. If I know him like I know him, he’s the kind of guy accepting legal advice. He’s now an attorney and helping other prisoners. He’s the real smart guy in prison who will use his intelligence to keep from getting killed. It’s like ‘Oz.’ It’s very disturbing. I was thinking this is such a weird situation. The song is funny, but sometimes the only way to endure things is through a dark humor that’s horrible but life-affirming that you can be able to do that.

Corey: I’ve been told from those who would be considered the brilliant comedians that their work comes from a very dark place and you’ve got to find the funny in the dark place or you could lose it.

Margaret: I think so. You’ve got to find something in the tragic that will help you survive it.

Corey: Amidst the new CD and ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ you’re launching a huge tour as well. How are you juggling learning all the new dance steps and smelling like pee and touring?

Margaret: (laughs) It’s gross but usually everybody that lives on a tour bus smells like pee all the time anyway. But what is gross is the amount of sweating that is happening. My partner is coming on the road with me. We’re rehearsing in parking lots and the backs of these venues I’m playing. It may be a disadvantage because we’re on the road, but it may be an advantage because we spend more time together than anybody else.

Corey: Depending on how far you go on the show, you could be doing a lot of your stand-up dates in between ‘DWTS’ performance shows. Are you gonna wear the same costumes to both?

Margaret: I don’t know if we’re allowed to leave with them. They’re real fancy. It’s all super-spangly and bejeweled. I don’t think we’re allowed to take them off the lot.

Corey: How much of the music is in the tour?

Margaret: It’s not a huge part of it. I spent so much time writing new comedy that I can’t wait to do it. That’s my comfort zone, being a stand-up comic. There will be some songs in there. There are a few I’m gonna sing. In general, it’s a stand-up comedy show.

Corey: Is there a theme to this show?

Margaret: There’s a lot of my family history in this show, which I haven’t really talked about before. It’s fascinating. I talk about my parents coming to America and immigration and my grandparents and really how we came to this country. I’m excited about that.

Corey: You’ve been doing comedy for more than 20 years. What have you learned about yourself as your comedy has evolved?

Margaret: I think I’ve really understood that I’m supposed to do this. This is the job I was supposed to do. I can take a slightly different route to get there. Like this CD, it’s still a comedy CD. There are different ways to present yourself as an artist, but you can still be a sense of the same artist.

Corey: The music was very successful. Would you consider doing a straight-up music CD?

Margaret: I wanna do a really inaccessible jazz CD. Just real, what the fuck? Mostly noise and maybe some Norwegian black metal in there. Last week I tried to read as many heavy metal autobiographies as I could. I started with ‘The Heroin Diaries,’ then I read Slash’s book then Steven Adler’s. Now I’m on Tommy Lee. It’s like I’m trying to understand hair metal so I can see how I can collaborate with those guys. I’ve never really listened to metal but I’d like to try. To me that is like the original comedy music because that is like Spinal Tap. That’s the first time we thought of comedy as really good music. I don’t think I could ever separate my comedy from my music. I do have a few songs. I wrote one that didn’t make it on the album, which is like a white trash ‘Candle in the Wind’ for Anna Nicole Smith, because she was a friend of mine. But it makes people cry. Maybe that’s not the right thing. It’s funny but if you knew the story behind it, it’s really a tragic story.

Corey: Is it possible to rent a turd costume or do you have to have them built?

Margaret: No, we built them. My husband actually built them. They’re amazing. What I’m gonna do for my next album, I’m gonna do a house cover of Diana Ross’ ‘I’m Coming Out,’ with a turd costume on. (sings) ‘I’m comin’ out! I want the world to know.’ It’s so gross. We need to use those turd costumes again; they’re so disgusting. He made them from photographs of our dog’s turds. He blew them up with really hi-res on the computer. They’re Styrofoam and they’re very sturdy. It’s funny, they’re all in a pile in my house in the corner and the dogs are looking them like, ‘What dog’s that from?’

Corey: Have you added to the achievements that your ‘Puss’ has gotten since the recording of that song?

Margaret: My puss, it’s tight like a paper cut and your puss is fishy like a halibut.

Corey: Wow.

Margaret: That’s a very good battle rhyme.

Corey: What is your favorite dirty joke?

Margaret: It’s Dolemite’s dirty joke. It’s a long one. There’s two guys watching a girl across the street and her skirt flies up and they argue, was she wearing black panties or was it hair? They pay a bum to go across the street to look under her dress. He goes across the street and he comes back and goes, ‘That was not panties which graced your eyes. Neither was it hair between her thighs. What it was may shock you or you may be surprised. But under that dress was a bunch of flies.’

It’s like the poetic verse of Dolemite.

Corey: Rudy Ray Moore, rest in peace.

Margaret: Yeah, that’s my favorite dirty joke of all time.

Corey: What do your parents think of the dancing and the music?

Margaret: They’re very excited. We actually wrote a song together. My parents are both musicians. They sing and my father’s a pianist and my mother’s a great guitarist. We’re gonna record a song which is kind of a duet between myself and them. It’s our take of ‘She’s Leaving Home’ by The Beatles. It’s one of our favorite songs collectively. It’s kind of a mini-opera. That will be for the next album.

On a long road trip to Atlanta, my buddy Jason and I cracked up over and over listening to Nick Swardson’s “Gay Robot” sketch on an old Adam Sandler comedy album. And I was always pickled tink by his turns as hustler Terry in “Reno 911!”

So, it was with a mild surprise that I discovered that Nick is only gay for pay—as an actor, of course.

Nick Swardson: What’s up, dude?

Corey: I heard what was probably the original Gay Robot sketch that was on an Adam Sandler CD some years back.

Nick: Yeah, totally. When I did that sketch, Adam said, ‘This could be a TV show,’ and I said, ‘Really?’ and he kept planting that seed in my head until finally I thought about it, like, ‘Fuck, yeah.’

Corey: Where do you see Gay Robot going in the future?

Nick: We’re doing an animated show for Comedy Central right now with Gay Robot, and then who knows? If it’s a hit, it could be a movie. He could run for President.

Corey: Where did you come up with the voice?

Nick: I always did that voice around the office, kind of as a joke. I would be like, ‘What’s up guys? Sweet.’ Everybody would laugh. Then Adam was like, ‘I’m doing another album if anybody has any characters or anything.’ I didn’t really have anything, but I thought of that voice. What the fuck is that voice? It sounds like a gay robot. I sat down and wrote the sketch, and Adam loved it.

Corey: I had a chance to listen to your new CD, and I noticed on the cover that you have an outee.

Nick: Yeah. It’s not too bad. It’s in the middle, like a medium. I always end up with my shirt off anyway so I might as well do it on the CD.

Corey: Do you think it has helped or hurt you in Hollywood?

Nick: You gotta show skin to get ahead in this town.

Corey: You talk about aging and what it’s like to get older. Now that you’re in your 30s, have you thought about what you’re going to be like when you get older?

Nick: I can’t decide if I’m gonna get more and more filthy, and then by the time I’m 50, I’ll like do a 180 and then go on the decline and then by the time I’m 90, I’ll be the sweetest, most angelic person. Or if I’m just gonna rage and end up being a giant turd by the time I’m 90. Just a filthy, booze-ridden turd.

Corey: Do you think you’re more filthy now than you were 10 years ago?

Nick: It’s kind of controlled filth. It’s filthy, but I know what I’m doing now, but it is filthier. It’s almost like a super power—like I know how to use it for good.

Corey: I know it’s harder when you’re in your 30s to party. What’s your partying schedule like these days?

Nick: I’m only 30 so I’m not stressing out. I haven’t had any problems. I’m still maintaining very well. I subscribe to the Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra thing. I’m always gonna drink. They set the bar very well. It’s completely legitimate to be belligerently drunk into your 60s. I’m still extremely young so I’m not in any way concerned. I don’t even think I’ve hit my peak yet.

Corey: So you can bounce back in the mornings?

Nick: Drinking is all how you do it. You don’t just drink one night and the next morning you feel awful. You’ve got to keep drinking like four nights, and then by the fifth morning you don’t even get hung over. You get like an anxiety, but you’re fine.