Lasting Damage (13 page)

“What’s
that supposed to mean?” Jane regretted asking the question instantly, but this particular
conversation seemed inevitable. Alice was looking for her pound of flesh and
Jane just happened to be in her line of sight.

“You
saw Kara Olsen,” She said as she stared in on her middle finger. “Holy hell,
I’d do it with her, and I don’t even like girls.”

“You’re
enjoying this, aren’t you?” Lily cocked her head to the side and watched Alice
with dangerous interest.

“Who
knows? I might actually have the chance to switch teams.” Alice announced. “Jason
said there’s going to be room on the tour bus and he’s pretty sure Kara will be
joining them for some of the dates. He was showing me the itinerary today and-”

“They’ve
already got an itinerary set?” Jane heard the question leave her before she had
a chance to stop herself from asking. She already knew Harper was going to
leave. She didn’t live in Portland and she was going to have to tour eventually.
Those two pieces of reality were unchangeable and there wasn’t a whole lot she
could do about it except prepare to have her heart broken.

Harper
was a good person and it would was easy to sit back and create a grand fantasy
about how amazing their life together could be but, Jane wasn’t about to do
that because once you started to entertain those kinds of thoughts, once you
admitted how important a person was in your life, you gave up control.  

“Harper
was going over it yesterday. She and a couple of the guys were updating the
tech rider and the hospitality rider. They were adding the extra accommodations
for Kara, and Jason wanted to add a guest,” Alice said, her voice smug and
assured. Even Riley was penciling in dates.”

“Why
are you telling her this?” Lily’s voice was edged with a razor sharp edge.

“Because
the world moves on. You can either sit around licking your wounds for the
better part of a decade or you can grab whatever opportunity comes your way.” 
She announced. “And she knows what it means when they start adding guests to
the hospitality rider.”

“What
the fuck are you talking about?” Lily asked between clenched teeth.

“Harper
didn’t add a guest,” Jane informed her.

“That’s
because she didn’t have to,” Alice snickered. “At least not since Kara’s
signing on.”

“Fuck
you.” Lily sounded unconvinced but Jane knew her sister had a point.

“No,
Alice is right.” Jane took a quick drink of her cocoa and tried not to let any
of it bother her. “There’s only so much room on a tour and if you’re not added
to the hospitality rider you don’t get to stick around for more than a few days.”
        

“You’re
totally gonna screw this up,” Alice sighed. “Maybe if you’re lucky Harper will
put you in charge of the merch but I don’t see that happening.”

“What
do you think you’re going to accomplish by being this much of a bitch?” Lily
growled.

“Call
it sisterly concern,” she said, the corners of her mouth turning up into a
self-satisfied smirk.  “But just so you know, Harper is going to dump you. It’s
only a matter of time and you’ll be sorry to didn’t listen to me.”

“Alice,”
Lily began. “I’m not sure what you’re doing but it’s really starting to piss me
off.”

Alice
stared at her before shifting her gaze back to Jane. “What?” she laughed. “I’m
just looking out for her.” 

“You
certainly are brave for a bitch who’s about to be homeless.” Lily picked up her
cup and took a sip.

“You
can’t kick me out,” Alice sneered at the both of them before returning her
attention to the bottle of nail polish. “Janie’s my sister. She won’t let you-”

“I
won’t what?” Jane interrupted. “You keep talking and you’re going to end up in
a tent in the park.”

“Excuse
me?” Alice scoffed.

“Go
to bed, Alice. The big girls don’t want to play with you tonight.” Lily stared
across the table, her gaze pinning Alice to the chair. It she and Chloe had
come to call ‘the look of death’ and it was scary as hell. Alice, to her
credit, appeared to be terrified. Without a word she screwed the cap back on
the tiny bottle, picked it up and left the room.

“Not
my bed,” Lily called out as Alice disappeared back down the hallway. “Don’t
listen to her.”

 “Why
not?” Jane brought the cup to her lips and inhaled the sweet scent of almond
and mint. “She’s right. I’m going to fuck it all up.”

“No,
you’re not.” Lily assured her.

“It’s
inevitable,” Jane stated. “Harper’s only here until the album is finished. She
lives in New York and spends most of the year on tour so I need to remember to
keep the end date in mind. I don’t need to get in over my head.”

“You
could always go on tour with her.” Lily suggested with an encouraging smile.

“No,
I can’t do that.” Jane shook her head with such force it had her seeing stars
for a second.  “I’ve already done that in my life.”

“As
a kid,” Lily reminded her.

“Exactly.”
Jane pressed the palm of her hand to her forehead and willed the pills to kick
in so she could find some relief from the constant stream of thoughts running
through her head. “I was a kid, and as inappropriate as it was for me to be on
tour with my parents, I had an excuse. I was their kid and I was supposed to be
there. I’m not going back as
the girlfriend
.”

“That’s
not what you’d be doing.”

“Yes,
it is.” Jane brought her knees to her chest, wrapped her arms around her shins,
and hugged herself tight. It was a self-defensive posture that closed her off
from everyone and everything. Even Lily couldn’t break through. Lily or Chloe
or Harper. Jane was an island and she planned on keeping it that way. “If I go
on tour with Harper it’s because I’m her girlfriend and a girlfriend is
considered a hanger-on. I’d be a starfucker and nothing else.”

“That’s
not true.”

“It
was true ten years ago and it’s true now.” Jane bit her lip. She needed to stay
focused on all the reasons she wouldn’t entertain the thought of stepping one
foot on a tour bus and not get tripped up by her feelings. Feelings were
untrustworthy and dishonest. They would run roughshod over the things that were
good for you if you gave them free reign. “It’s not like I’d have a reason to
be there other than Harper.”

“You’d
be traveling.”

“I’ve
already traveled.” Jane reminded her. “And being on tour isn’t the same as
traveling. It’s hotel rooms and planes and tour busses.”

“Jane.”
Lily’s sigh carried a note of resolve. She’d been on the receiving end of too
many late night phone calls with Jane, in tears, wanting to come home from
wherever her mother had dragged her, to put up much more of a fight.

“I’ve
already done it and I can’t do it again.” Jane pressed her forehead to her
knees and tried to remember to breathe, but it was difficult with the elephant
standing on her chest. “That’s what it comes down to. I can’t do it again and
I’ve known that ever since I found out about Harper.” Jane had to stop to catch
her breath. “I think I’ve been saying goodbye to her for a while.”

“You
don’t mean that,” Lily shot back. “You guys just met. It’s only been a few days
and you’re making this huge decision without waiting-Jesus fuck, Jane, you’re
like the opposite of a u-hauler. You’re killing this before it has a chance to
start.”

Jane
felt tears burning behind her eyes and promptly bit down hard on the inside of
her cheek to stop them from escaping. “That’s not what I’m doing,” she said
after she was certain she was safe from crying in public.

“What
do you call it?” asked Lily.

“Self-preservation.”
Jane whispered.

Lily
took hold of the bottle of Irish cream and topped off Jane’s cup. “Self-preservation
isn’t going to mean shit when you finally wake up to the realization that-”

“Don’t.”
Jane held up her hand to stop Lily from voicing the same obvious conclusion
she’d already come to on her own. “I just can’t go there right now.”

“Okay,”
Lily said with a slow nod. “Just be careful you don’t spend your whole life
avoiding the things that might make you happy. People who do that have a
tendency to have their faces eaten off by their twenty-five cats after they
die.”

13.

Harper had never stood
over
someone and watched them sleep before. She always figured it was one of the weirder
aspects of human relationships but it seemed to be the only time Jane stopped
moving and as interesting at that was she was thinking about leaving her a note
when Jane opened her eyes, and gave her a funny smile.

Suddenly Harper felt one of those sparkly vampires that liked to
creep around under the guise of protecting innocent young virgins from
themselves, and her face started to burn with embarrassment.

“Chloe let me in,” she said before Jane had a chance to call her
out for the stalker she was. 

“It’s okay.” Jane rubbed her eyes with the heel of her palms and
sat up. “I guess I fell asleep.”

Harper pointed to the book as she sat down next to her on the bed.
“Must’ve been a boring book.”

“It was,” answered Jane.  

Harper looked at the cover, it was non-descript, just a black and
white picture of orchids resting on a mirrored surface. “What’s it about?”

“I’m not really sure,” she sighed. “Something about a woman who
inherits a winery in California, and ends up falling in love with a bunch of
men.”

“A bunch?”

“Four or five. I started skipping parts. Too much of a sex parade
to keep me interested.”

“Is this a common complaint?” Harper teased.  

“Only in my fiction, not in my real life.” Jane tossed the book
onto the floor. “What time is it?”

“A little after nine.”  Harper looked back at the clock on Jane’s
nightstand. “I know I’m late but I didn’t want to not show up at all.”

“It’s not that late.” Jane assured her. “How did it go at the
studio?”

“Better than expected. We got most everything done that we needed
to do and then we packed everyone off and sent them all home before I could
change my mind and start nitpicking everything.”

“You can’t polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter.” Jane
gave her a knowing smile that Harper could easily interpret since it was
similar to the one her brother had been throwing her way for the better part of
the day.

“You and Riley seem to be speaking from the same dictionary.” She
looked up at the ceiling and laughed. “He said something very similar when I
asked for one more take on Kara’s vocal track.”

“Speaking of Kara.” Jane grimaced as she said the name. “Is that
one of those things we need to talk about?”

“We can, but there isn’t a whole lot to talk about.”

“But there was?” she asked.

“Truthfully,” Harper paused for a moment; she wanted to explain
the situation as it was and not as other people might take it to be, so she
chose her words with care. “I love the sound of Kara’s voice and it works extremly
well for my music, but she and I are a spent force.”

“That sounds very dramatic.”

“There was something between us but it wasn’t good.” Harper told
her. “A lot of antagonism and jealousy and petty bullshit for as far as the eye
could see.”

Jane placed her hands on her stomach and began toying with the
little snaps that ran down the front of her shirt. “Was that why she was giving
me the eye?”

“You noticed?”

“Noticed and knew it had nothing to do with me.” Jane shrugged. “Does
she usually put on a show for people or was it just because you were standing
in the room.”

“She’s not in love with me.” Harper assured her.

“I know she’s not,” said Jane. “Remember the thing you just said
about petty bullshit? I do actually listen to you when you speak.”

Harper watched Jane close her eyes and took a deep breath. She
looked like she was trying to find some sort tranquility and as much as Harper
wanted to let it happen she knew there wasn’t going to be a better time to
discuss the elephant in the room. “I guess the only thing we need to talk about
is where you and I are headed.”

Jane opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling before turning to
stare into her eyes. She looked sad and lost and like she was in desperate need
of either a good cry or a good fuck. “A few hours ago I told Lily that I’ve
been saying goodbye to you for a while now,” Jane paused, her voice cracking as
she spoke the words. “Alice’s mouth was flapping and it was an easy though to
have.”

“How do you feel now that I’m here?” Harper’s chest tightened in
response to Jane’s admission, but she kept her voice calm and even. Normally
she would never be in a rush for bad news, and she and Jane had only known one
another for a short time, but she felt a deep connection growing, and that
frightened her as much as it gave her happiness.

“Now it’s not so easy. I took a look at your face and I stopped
wanting to say ‘goodbye’.” Jane pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes and
rubbed furiously for a moment before dropping them to her sides. “But I still
don’t have a solution to the problem.”

“Maybe we don’t need to struggle for a solution?” Harper
suggested.

Jane gave her a weak smile before looking away. “Alice was after
me this afternoon.”

“About?” Harper asked.

“Her spot on the hospitality rider. She wanted me to know she’s
been added. She and Kara, and not me,” she said before biting her bottom lip.

“Alice is aware that Jason isn’t in charge of the rider? I have
final say and there’s no way in hell I’m going to take Alice on tour, if I know
Jason, he’s not taking her on tour either.” She informed her.

“Really.”

“He’s not exactly an upstanding citizen.” Harper acknowledged. “Jason’s
a hell of a bass player but he’s a dog and he likes to spread it around. I
suspect he’s using a spot on the bus as a way to get into Alice’s pants. And,
just for the record, I did add a guest to the rider. I wasn’t sure what was
going to happen so I decided to cover my bases.”

“Oh.” Jane’s face paled a bit but she didn’t throw up or run out
of the room like Harper assumed she would when she started talking about going
on tour together.

“You don’t have do the whole ‘going-on-tour’ thing. You can fly
out to meet me, spend a few days or a week traveling through some interesting
and beautiful part of the world, stay in fancy hotels until you get bored and
then come back out on the road when you miss me again.” Harper offered the
suggestion and hoped to hell that Jane would take it.

“What happens if I don’t stop missing you?” Jane looked like a
panicked little girl when she spoke and it pulled at Harper’s heart.

“Then we’ll take a look at the situation and come up with a better
plan,” Harper assured her. “We’ll compromise and adapt because that’s what
people do when they’re in a-”

“When they are in a relationship?” Jane interrupted, finishing the
sentence before Harper had a chance to finish it herself.  “Are we in a
relationship?”

“God, I hope so,” said Harper as she lay down next to Jane. “At
least I’m assuming that we are going to be in a relationship?”

“I’m not…” Jane paused and Harper’s heart fell.

“You’re not what?” Harper, with her pride doing a nose dive,
decided she needed to see the conversation through even with the threat of
rejection looking on the horizon.

“I’m not sure I’ve ever been in a relationship.” Jane’s voice fell
to a whisper as she made the confession.

“Ever?”

“Well,” she paused. “There was the thing with Robin, and I’ve had
a lot of sex but I’ve never wanted anyone to stick around for more than a few
days.”

Harper had to wait for her heart to stop pounding before she could
speak. “So, you don’t do relationships?”

“It’s not that.” Jane leaned her head on the edge of Harper’s
shoulder and stared up at the ceiling. She looked like she was searching for
the perfect words to describe an imperfect emotion. “I guess, up until now,
I’ve never felt the need to be in a relationship. Before you it never seemed
worth it. This whole thing just sort of snuck up on me and I’m going to sit
back and let it happen.”

“Do I get to breathe a sigh of relief or what?” Harper rolled onto
her side so she could get a better look at the woman who was in the middle of
stealing her heart.

“Yes, you do.” Jane laughed. “You can breathe a sigh of relief for
the both of us if you’re like and then we can do that cuddling and kissing
thing until we fall asleep again.”

Harper wrapped her arms around Jane’s waist and pulled her close.
She didn’t want an inch of space left between them and she didn’t want to ever
let her go because Jane might get scared and run away.

*****

Jane got up early to take a shower and pull herself together
before Harper woke up. She knew it was silly and she wasn’t planning on putting
on a full face of makeup but having clean hair and freshly brushed teeth made
all the difference when they were still in the beginning stages of their newly
christened relationship.

“You don’t have to do that for me,” Harper voice, still heavy from
sleeping, reached her as she finished applying a thin coat of tinted
moisturizer to her face.

“Who said it was for you?” She grinned back at Harper in the
mirror. “Maybe I’m addicted to putting on mascara.”

“I’ll call my agent and see if I can get us a spot on My Strange
Addiction.” Harper laughed and sat up to watch Jane apply mascara and a touch
of blush.

“What time is Riley expecting you?”Jane tightened the edges of her
robe sat down on the bed next to Harper.

“He’s not.” She touched her index finger to Jane’s chin and
smiled. “He kicked me out of the studio for a few days so I can stop obsessing
about the album.”

“Really?

“He thinks I need to take a step back so I can get a better
perspective.”

“Does this mean you get to spend the day with me?” She asked, her
heart pattering with the possibilities of serious time together. “Or a few
days?”

“It does.” Harper told her.

“We should do something fun.”

“Your idea of what constitutes as
something fun
makes me a
little nervous.” Harper teased. “You’ll have me drunk and hopped up on Ambien
before lunch.”

“Okay, now you’re just giving me a hard time,” Jane laughed. “I’d
never let anyone use Ambien recreationally.”

“Good to know.” Harper ran a hand through Jane’s wild tangle of wet
hair.

“We could drive up the coast, check out a few lighthouses, maybe
get a room in Bristol and visit Pemaquid Point?” She suggested the first thing
that came to her mind. “I like pretending to be a tour guide.”

“You do?” Harper asked with a sweet laugh.

“Of course I do,” she answered. “And I might be plotting a way to
make you fall in love with the area so you have more than one reason to stick
around.”

“Seduce me with real estate.” Harper noted with humor in her voice.
“You certainly know the way to a girl’s heart.”

“Here’s hoping.” Jane leaned forward and gave her a gentle kiss on
the lips.

“You better stop that or we’ll never have a chance to leave your
bedroom,” Harper murmured as Jane broke the kiss.

“How about you hop in the shower? I’ll map us out a few places to
go and get a room reserved?” Jane slid her hand under the edge of Harper’s
shirt and traced the line of soft skin just above the elastic waistband of her
panties. “We can hit the road as soon as you and Riley are finished?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Harper said before giving her another quick
kiss and hopping off the bed.

*****

Jane was on her phone checking on hotels in Bristol on her phone
when a new message came in.

First, when she read it, her pulse started racing with anxiety and
then her heart sank.

‘It’s Robin

I need to talk with you’

Jane almost didn’t answer, it would be such an easy thing to erase
the message and pretend Robin and Sarah didn’t exist, but she wasn’t ready to
let go of the situation until she found some resolution, so she shot her back a
quick message.

 ‘About?’

She stood up, and began counting the seconds as they ticked by.
When she got to thirty she started pacing around the room, and when a full
minute passed she wanted to kick herself in the ass. Robin and Sarah were an
unnecessary distraction. Things were good between her and Harper. She knew
there were going to be details they needed to work out but she was happy.

Jane was deep in thought when her phone started blinking and blinking
and buzzing in her hand as Robin’s message came through.

‘We need to talk about Sarah

York’s in 45 mins.’

Jane tossed her phone into her bag. Robin, ever the efficient
micromanager of lives, was still determined to be in charge of everyone and
everything. Jane was tempted to dig her phone out of her bag and shoot her a
text that she could go fuck herself but curiosity got the better of her.