Last Days of Summer (16 page)

IF MY FATHER WERE PRESIDENT

BY
J
OSEPH
M
ARGOLIS

If my father were president, he would never let Hitler get away with

If my father were president, Yom Kippur would probably wind up being a national holiday because

If my father were president there wouldn't be any more

If my father were president

Mrs. Eleanor Roosevelt

The White House

Washington, D.C.

Dear Mrs. Roosevelt,

I hope you don't mind, but I had to make a couple of changes. Please tell Mrs. Hicks that it's okay.

Very truly yours,
Joey Margolis

Alexander Hamilton Junior High School

To: Herb Demarest, Principal

From: Janet Hicks

Re: Margolis Essay

Herb:

What am I supposed to do with this? As usual, he didn't follow instructions—not even Mrs. Roosevelt's. I certainly can't send it to the White House this way. Should I have him redo it properly?

Janet

Alexander Hamilton Junior High School

To: Janet Hicks

From: Herbert Demarest, Principal

Re: Margolis Essay

Janet:

Bear in mind the following:

1. When pushed to the wall, our allies consist of the Board of Education and, in a pinch, Supervisor Meylan.
   
2. The boy's personal arsenal includes the National League, the entire Democratic Party, and God only knows who else.
   

In other words, dear, he's got us by the balls.

Send it to Washington. Let
them
handle it. If we're lucky, maybe they'll draft him.

HD

Dear Charlie,

Rachel's mother is letting her wear toilet water now. It's supposed to be violet, but it smells a lot like the stuff that my Mom waxes the floor with. I noticed it during History class, and when Mrs. Hicks asked me who was the first Secretary of the Treasury, I couldn't remember. Smokes, even our
school
is named after him. But guess what? Rachel turned around and looked at me.

After that I followed her for most of the afternoon, and even though I tried to hide it I'm pretty sure she knew that I was sniffing her. So I wrote a letter to put in her lunch bag, but I'm not so sure it's going to work. Should I change it?

Dear Rachel,

In case you haven't noticed, I spent a lot of time this summer growing up. But even when I was on the road with the New York Giants or dancing with Dorothy Walker of the Glenn Miller Orchestra, I thought about you once or twice and how maybe I shouldn't have put the caterpillar in your tapioca or the toad on your raisin bread. But smokes. Until you smacked me in the mouth and told me to Go To Hell, I didn't even think you knew what my name was.

Craig doesn't understand why I waste my time on you, but I tell him that it's like Louis Armstrong says about jazz. “Brother, if you can't feel it, I can't explain it.” I'm not saying that we have to get married or anything, or that you even have to let me kiss you. But
if I say Hi to you in the hall, could you at least say Hi back?

Love,
Joey Margolis

Oh, yeah. One more thing. Last night I fell asleep thinking about the way she smells. Then I woke up at 3:30 in the morning and everything was kind of sticky. Charlie, if a guy falls in love
before
he can ejaculate, does it count?

Joey

Dear Joey,

Which came first, the chicken or the road? Think about it.

Parts of the letter will do the job but other parts are going to come back and bite you in the ass if your not careful. So we better take a good look at it and figure out where to put the fix in.

“In case you haven't noticed, I spent a lot of time this summer growing up.”

First of all, no you didn't. And second of all, if you have stopped putting vegetables in her hair such as broccolli and etc., she already knows this.

“But even when I was on the road with the New York Giants”

You bet. Let's see her find another 13 yr. old boy friend who can say the same thing. Also tell her about making P. Cavaretta and B. Hassett strike
out. I will back you up on such things if you need me to.

“or dancing with Dorothy Walker of the Glenn Miller Orchestra”

Be careful. Getting her jealous is OK but you do not want her to think that you like girls who are 25 or worse. Make sure she knows that you and D. Walker were just friends and that nothing serious happened.

“I thought about you once or twice and how maybe I shouldn't have put the caterpillar in your tapioca or the toad on your raisin bread.”

You just jinxed the dirt again. You will only remind her of things that she might of already forgot. Say something instead like “maybe I shouldn't of been a dumb-bell like Tom Sawyer” (who we know she does not like and it shows that you pay attention to the things she says in class).

“But smokes. Until you smacked me in the mouth and told me to Go To Hell, I didn't even think you knew what my name was.”

Good. This will make her feel sad and sorry. I use it on Hazel all the time (which you are never going to tell her, right?).

“Craig doesn't understand why I waste my time on you”

What kind of a cement head are you??? Do you really think she wants to know this???

“but I tell him that it's like Louis Armstrong says about jazz. Brother, if you can't feel it, I can't explain it.”

This is my favorite part. But make sure it was L. Armstrong who said it because I think it might of been Satchmo.

“I'm not saying that we have to get married or anything, or that you even have to let me kiss you.”

Nope. Now your rushing it. “I am not saying that you have to let me buy you an ice cream soda or anything.” See?

“But if I say Hi to you in the hall, could you at least say Hi back?”

Keep it. This is another one that Hazel falls for. Especially if I stick my bottom lip out too. When they think we are going to cry they make us dinner and take their clothes off.

“Love, Joey Margolis”

Not yet you don't. You cannot give it all away like that. Maybe try something like the Rabby does. “Respectfully, Joey Margolis”. Come to think of it, that's even worse.

And whatever you do, don't tell her about the ejaculating part. That's a guy thing and they don't need to hear it.

Charlie

P.S. What's “toilet water”? She doesn't stick her head in the crapper, does she?

P.S.2. We lost 8 out of 10 on our last road trip of the season with our new bat-boy. How did you swing that? Mister Terry says he is ready to offer you a 5-yr. contract due to being our good luck charm but don't take it serious. Our previous good
luck charms were a picture of Mel Ott's mother, some chop-sticks from Saint Louis, and a pair of Stuke's old sox that he did not wash for 9 weeks and that broke in half when he dropped one on the floor.

P.S.3. You do not know as many things as I thought you did. Maybe you should think about some more of the big questions and I'll see if I can answer them.

Mrs. Ida Margolis
and
Mrs. Carrie Gettinger
request the honour of your presence
at the Bar Mitzvah of their son and nephew
Joseph Charles Margolis
on Saturday, the 25th of October, 1941
at 10:00 a.m.

Temple Chizuk Amuno

1243 Parkside Avenue

Brooklyn, New York

RECEPTION TO FOLLOW
THE FAVOUR OF A REPLY IS REQUESTED

Dear Charlie,

There are only eight questions I never found out the answers to, and what if I have a son and he asks me some of them? So here they are.

1. How come dinosaurs croaked?
   
2. Are there people on places like Mars and Saturn?
   
3. Why won't God let us see Him?
   
4. Where do we go after we die?
   
5. How does a radio work?
   
6. If there really is a God, how come Jews in Europe have to wear yellow stars and Hitler can get away with starving Leningrad and the
   Titanic
   sunk?
   
7. Who was the best baseball player ever (and not Matty just because you like him)?
   
8. Could a cyclone really blow a house over a rainbow?
   

Joey

P.S. I just found out that my Cousin Sammy is coming here all the way from San Diego for my Bar Mitzvah. Gulp.

Dear Joey,

When you ask questions you do not fart around, do you? But I will try anyway.

1. I don't know.
   
2. I don't know.
   
3. God lets us see Him all the time. He looks like Hazel and Rachel and Harlan and babies and etc. You should of known that already.
   
4. I don't know.
   
5. A radio works by turning it on and Jack Benny comes out. Is this suppose to be a trick?
   
6. I don't know.
   
7. The best baseball player ever was Ty Cobb though nobody likes to say so because his sole was made out of dog shit on account of beating up cripples and linching Negroes and etc. But the other best ballplayer ever was Joe Jackson, who even though he should of known better than to pal up with crooks in 1919, still got a raw deal anyway. Nobody could swing a bat the way Shoeless Joe could. So tell your son it was Jackson.
   
8. I don't know.
   

Okay so maybe I do not have all of the answers. But at least you learned
some
thing.

Charlie

P.S. And what do you mean “Gulp”? Your not getting cold feet on me are you?

P.S.2. Stuke just got me 2 tickets to Game #4 of the W. Series which he will not go to because he's not in it. I wonder who I am going to take with me.

Dodgers Snatch Defeat
From Jaws of Victory

Game 4 Upset When
Mickey Owen Drops Strike 3

B
ROOKLYN
, Sunday. Ask 33,813 shell-shocked Dodger fans and they'll tell you it could not have happened. But it did. And this is one for the books.

Struggling to even the World Series at two games apiece, it looked like the Brooklyn nine had it all sewn up by 4:35 this afternoon at Ebbets Field. Leading the Yanks 4–3 at the top of the ninth inning with two away and nobody on, Brooklyn hurler Hugh Casey let loose with a perfect breaking curve to Yankee right fielder Tommy Henrich, who swung on strike three—and whiffed. And that should have been the ball game. But the Brooks' usually topflight catcher Mickey Owen had other ideas when he missed the ball entirely—and by the time he'd retrieved it from the Dodger dugout, Henrich had made himself at home on first. But that was only the beginning. DiMaggio singled, then Keller and Gordon doubled, and when nightfall settled over Ebbets Field the Yanks were long gone—with a 7–4 victory in their hats.

New York Yankees

Brooklyn Dodgers

Score by Innings

New York Yankees 100 200 004—7

Brooklyn Dodgers 000 220 000—4

Runs batted in—Keller 3, Sturm 2, Wasdell 2, Reiser 2, Gordon 2.

Earned runs—Yankees 3, Dodgers 4.

Left on base—Yankees 11, Dodgers 8. Double play—Gordon, Rizzuto and Sturm. Struck out—by Donald 2, Higbe 1, Breuer 2, Casey 1, Murphy 1. Bases on balls—Off Higbe 2, Casey 2, Donald 3, Breuer 1, Allen 1. Pitching summary—Off Higbe 6 hits, 3 runs, in 3 2–3 innings; French 0 hits, 0 runs in 1–3; Allen 1 hit, 0 runs in 2–3; Casey 5 hits, 4 runs in 4 1–3; Donald 6 hits, 4 runs in 4 (none out in fifth); Breuer 3 hits, 0 runs in 3; Murphy 0 hits, 0 runs in 2. Hit batsman—By Allen (Henrich). Winning pitcher—Murphy. Losing pitcher—Casey. Umpires—Goetz (N.L.), plate; McGowan (A.L.), first base; Pinelli (N.L.), second base; Grieve (A.L.), third base. Time of game—2:54.