Last Days of Summer (12 page)

Dear Joey,

1. The gunboats and Merchant Marines and muscles on the Yangtze Riv. happened in 1926. I was 9.
   
2. I never got malnutrated in my life.
   
3. The only thing I told them about China was that their noodles make me barf. They came up with the rest of it by themself.
   
4. I did not even know what cleats were until I got to Springfield. Up until then we played in our toes.
   
5. It also says that I did not have a brother, and nothing about Harlan getting dropped by a foul ball or etc. So do not believe what you read. Except when it is from me.
   

Charlie

P.S. How's this for a pisser? “And God saw the earth, and behold it was corrupt.” Like this is news.

Temple Chizuk Amuno

1243 Parkside Avenue • Brooklyn, New York

Mrs. Ida Margolis

236 Montgomery Street

Brooklyn, New York

Dear Mrs. Margolis:

It might be a wise idea were someone to suggest to Mr. Banks that there is a significant difference
between the Torah and the
Daily News
. One of them is open to conjecture and the other is not. Furthermore, the story of the great flood provides the moral foundation upon which the entire human race has been built. Whether or not Noah had “a couple of loose spark plugs under the hood” is both anachronistic and moot. (It also happens to be blasphemous, but blasphemy is the least chargeable offense I encountered all afternoon.) Then too we must consider whether Mr. Banks is even remotely capable of grasping the nuances of the Hebrew tongue; when he attempted to pronounce “Noach,” he nearly drowned Cantor Rosenfeld. This does not bode well for October. Similarly, it is Joseph's opinion that he open his Bar Mitzvah speech “with a few laughs to loosen them up”—more specifically, that worn-out routine chronicling Moses' descent from the mountain with the Ten Commandments, concluding with the epigram “Adultery's still in.” Given the manner in which the two of them recited the punch line in unison, I gather that Mr. Banks and your son are a well-suited match. So, however, are Laurel and Hardy.

On the other hand, I cannot recall when I last encountered a boy quite as eager to meet the challenge of his Bar Mitzvah as Joseph appears to be. Most of the time we have to bribe them. For this reason alone, I recommend that we proceed as planned. I will do the best I can—and we'll leave the necessary miracles to God.

Respectfully,
Rabbi Morris Lieberman

Jordy Stuker, 1st Base

c/o The New York Giants

Polo Grounds

New York, NY

Dear Stuke,

Betty Grable lives at 12217 Bentley Avenue in Los Angeles, California. After she got rid of Jackie Coogan she had dinner with Cary Grant a couple of times and once with Victor Mature. But right now she doesn't have a boyfriend, even though she went to see the Harry James Orchestra three times by herself so there may be somebody in the band who she likes. Also, she's four years older than you in case this is a problem.

Charlie told the Rabbi that he looks like the Smith Brothers and then he asked him for cough drops. I should have told him that Rabbis never think anything is funny. If they laugh they get fired.

Did you talk him into it yet?

Joey

Dear Sprout,

I've been putting the pressure on him for 3 weeks and he's still not ripe. I thought I could get him to cave in before our Boston-Cincy-Chicago swing in the middle of the summer, but you know what a hard-head he is. Once he says no, forget it. I'll keep trying, tho.

Thanks for the dope on Betty. I sent her $22.73 worth of roses (all I had in my pocket) & also a
telegram to Victor Mature (collect) saying she never wants to see him again. Didn't know she was old, tho. She doesn't look 25.

I had a shoulder to shoulder talk with your buddy & set him square on the right way to handle a rabbi. Usually he doesn't listen to me, but he went 1-for-4 and I have the first unassisted triple play in 21 years. (Did I mention that?) So you can stop worrying. I'll make sure he fixes whatever he broke.

Stuke

Rabby Morris Lieberman

Temple Chizuk Amuno

1243 Parkside

Brooklyn NY

Dear Rabby,

Behold. I am sorry if I pissed thou off.

That better?

Chas. Banks
3d Base

P.S. Here is something else I just found. “And the Lord said unto Noah, of every beast thou shalt take to thee seven and seven, each with his mate, male and female, to keep seed alive on the face of the earth.” If this means what I think it does, you and me are going to have a little talk. He's still a
kid
, for Christ's sake.

Alexander Hamilton Junior High School

To:
All Seventh Graders

From:
Mrs. Hicks

Mr. Demarest

Re:
Summer Assignment

We are proud to announce that Alexander Hamilton Junior High is one of 200 schools chosen to participate in Mrs. Roosevelt's national essay contest. This year's competition is entitled “If My Father Were President.” You are encouraged to be as creative as possible, but within certain limitations. The last time we did something like this, six fathers were spies, nine were gangsters, and one of them was Orville Wright. Mrs. Roosevelt has neither the time nor the patience for this kind of nonsense.

Papers should be neatly handwritten on ruled paper, and should not be longer than 500 words. They will be due on the first day of school in September.

Have a wonderful summer!

IF MY FATHER WERE PRESIDENT

BY
J
OSEPH
M
ARGOLIS

If my father were president, I think he would be a very good

I think my father would make a really good president because

If my father shot Nana Bert then he might make a good president, but only if

How the Hell should
I
know what kind of a president my father would make? Most of the time I don't even know where he
is
.

If my father were president, he would sit in the Oval Office and

Temple Chizuk Amuno

1243 Parkside Avenue • Brooklyn, New York

Charles Banks

227 West 94th Street, Apt. 14-A

New York, New York

Dear Charles:

Thank you for your generous invitation to attend Joseph's birthday gathering. However, my wife and I keep a strictly Kosher home and I'm afraid a supper club is a little out of our league. But I'm sure it will mean a great deal to Joseph.

Of course I know you're not going to convert.
Thirteen-year-old boys have been attempting to hoodwink me since 1919, and there are few such scams I have not encountered before—though I must admit that this one earns high marks for originality. But let's allow him to think he's getting away with it.

Don't be alarmed by Tuesday's lesson, for I am confident that Joseph will do well. I suspect he is merely testing you—and winning. Of course, you could always find a way to turn the tables on him; however, I am willing to wager a Kiddush cup that he is even more stubborn than you are.

Good luck. This is shaping up to be quite a contest.

Respectfully,
Rabbi Morris Lieberman

I
NTERVIEWER:
Donald M. Weston, Ph.D.

S
UBJECT:
Joseph Charles Margolis

A:
It was the best birthday I ever had. Charlie and Hazel took us to Delmonico's for dinner. The whole world was there. Aunt Carrie even got a kiss from Robert Montgomery.

Q:
I'll bet that changed her mind about Charlie, huh?

A:
Not all the way. She doesn't call him a shagitz any more, but every time she starts to call him Charlie her mouth gets stuck. This is gunna take a little work.

Q:
Did you see Winchell's column?

A:
Yeah. He spelled my name wrong, though. And he said we live in Queens, not Brooklyn. He's a troublemaker.

Q:
How so?

A:
Ethel Merman was at the next table and he kept trying to start a fistfight between her and Hazel. Then Charlie tripped him and he went away.

Q:
Good for Charlie. Hazel's too much of a trouper to fall for that anyway.

A:
No she isn't. She talked to the waiter for a long time and gave him some money, and somehow Ethel Merman wound up with a Diet Special instead of steak and a baked potato. You could hear her on Madison Avenue. Boy, she screams loud.

Q:
Some people call that singing. I never understood it myself.

A:
Then we went to Tuxedo Junction. Hazel sang “My Funny Valentine” right to me, and then I went on the stage with her and we did the “I Like New York In June” song just like Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland do it in
Babes on Broadway
. We practiced it for a whole week so we could surprise everybody. Smokes, me and my Mom signed more autographs than Charlie did.

Q:
Did you get a lot of presents?

A:
You bet. My mother bought me a watch with an aviator dial and Aunt Carrie got me a black zipper jacket that says GIANTS on the back and Craig got me The Shadow's Secret Code Book and Hazel gave me a little Victrola with all of Glenn Miller's records, especially “String of Pearls” and “In the Mood.”

Q:
What about Charlie?

A:
He asked me what I wanted and I told him
Citi
zen Kane
at the Radio City Music Hall, but he said he could do a lot better than that. Just between you and me I think he's gunna buy me a saxophone because he hates it when I get spit all over his.

Q:
I could be wrong, but I'd look out for a different kind of surprise if I were you.

Dear Joey,

Me and Stuke and Mel Ott and Burge Whitehead and Mickey Witek stayed up all night listening to the War News on the radio. Maybe your right after all. Adolf and His Singing Assholes are lining up on the Russian boarder, the Brits knocked 26 Messershmits out of the sky, the Two Little Pigs kicked us out of Berlin and Rome, and Ickes stopped selling our oil to Japan. Now Gehrig is gone. Go figure it. Hitler has already killed a million people but he's still alive. All Iron Horse ever did was play in 2130 straight games but he isn't. It makes your guts feel kind of funny on account of thinking that it's all getting ready to hit us at once. You better make sure your pal in the White House is on the ball and not playing hooky at Hide Park or etc., and that Mrs. R gets her ass out of the strip mines or having tea with some little Suzy Glutz so she can go back home to Washington and make sure the 4-flusher she is married to is doing his job and not just walking the damn dog. For better or for worse we are stuck with him now, and for the
long haul too. But come to think of it, maybe Willkie was not such a hot idea after all.

The radio keeps making me think about Noah. “And God said The end of all flesh is come before Me, for the earth is filled with violence.” I hope this does not mean you and me and Hazel and your Mom and Aunt Carrie and Craig and Stuke, on account of what did
we
do? And that reminds me Iron Fists. We only have 3½ more months and we are way behind where we are suppose to be. The Rabby even bet me that we would not be able to pull it off in time. If we win I get a kiddish cup, whatever
that
is. If we don't, I will probably lose my shirt on account of Stuke and the boys found out about the bet and are buying pieces of the action like they were Brandy Bottle Bates or Scranton Slim or somebody. This could cost me alot of $$$$$$$. So you better come up swinging Bucko. Your suppose to know it better than me, and not the other way around.

Charlie

P.S. Our bat-boy got a 16 year old girl pregnant. Counting backwards we figured out that it happened in our locker room in Saint Louis. What a guy. We never thought he had it in him. But they got rid of him anyway due to not being good for our image, which shows you what a bunch of heads they are in the front office. Everybody knows that kids are
suppose
to make mistakes or else they would not be normal. Sometimes you can even be proud of it like when I was 15 and got
in a contest where you were suppose to drink 4 beers and see who could piss the farthest. I was the only one who could hit the mayor's Stutz on the other side of the road, except nobody told me that the mayor was in it with the window down. And even though he tried to run me over, the other guys looked at me like I was a king or something. (Come to think of it this is all a lie—so maybe you will just have to take my word for it.)

P.S.2. Oh, yeah. We have a backup kid in NY but his old man will not let him travel with us. That means until we find a new one, we will need another bat-boy for our next road trip. Know anybody?