Larkin's Letters (9 page)

“Marry me, Larkin,” you whispered.

Letter #17 - March 10, 2012

Hey, Fish,

It has been the typical morning that we have become accustomed to. You on your daily fishing trip and me typing away on my manuscript. But it isn’t typical, really. We had shared a magical night together, a night that strengthened and solidified what we have meant to each other, and from this morning forward, our lives will never be the same. I have a feeling of excitement for the first time in a long time. For the first time since I have gotten sick, I have a powerful sense of optimism. There is something inside of me that you have set off that has made me feel stronger than ever. But I have to admit to you that I am also a little worried. Worried that maybe you didn’t mean what you had said when you asked me to marry you. I never really did give you an answer. I just kissed you like I had never kissed you before right after you said it. Even though I didn’t acknowledge your impulsive proposal, I certainly haven’t forgotten it. I just hope that you meant it and that you weren’t caught up in the moment. But I am nervous. I’m not even sure if I would be doing right by you to marry you. You deserve a lifetime of love, and I cannot promise you that.

I am writing you a second letter today because I need to find a way to cope with what happened after you got back today. I know you told me I have nothing to worry about, but you know me. After you got back from your fishing trip, we sat over a cup of coffee before you went to the shower. Neither of us mentioned what happened last night. Although it was the best night of my life, I am scared that maybe you have some regrets. It is so hard for me not to talk to you about it and find out how you are feeling about what happened and most importantly about what you asked me, but I have decided that I am going to give you your space and let you come to me about it. I am not going to push you.

I decided that I would try to let my mind escape from these thoughts by delving into a novel as you showered and got cleaned up. My mind, half-focused on the novel and half-focused on last night, was unexpectedly interrupted by a knock on our door. I know that I wasn’t expecting anyone and you hadn’t mentioned that you were, so I figured it was a neighbor or just my mother paying us an unannounced visit. I never in a million years expected to see the face that was staring back at me as I opened the door. I can only imagine what my face must have looked like to her as I struggled to even say hello. Finally, she broke the awkward silence.

“Hi Larkin,” she paused, probably expecting me to say something back, but, again, I couldn’t find the words to replace my shock at seeing her. She smiled, looking more beautiful than I remembered. “You look really good, Larkin. How are you?”

“Good,” I paused. “I’m good. Thanks. You look good, too, as always.”

She leaned forward, and we embraced in a very awkward hug. My heart was inevitably sinking as I finally found the courage to invite her in.

“Come in, Abigail. I’ll let Ryan know you’re here.”

I truly believe that timing really is everything. I would be lying to you, Ryan, if I told you that I wasn’t worried about Abigail being here. Why is she here? Is it really just an innocent visit like you tried to reassure me before you two went out to go talk over lunch? Or is it more? Maybe not for you, but for her. Maybe she wants you back. Why wouldn’t you want to go back if she did? I could never give you what she can. She’s beautiful, healthy, and successful. She’s everything you deserve, and I know how much you loved her when you were with her. I know how heartbroken you were when it ended. I know that as I watch you sleep next to me as I write this. Tonight was the first night you didn’t hold me as I fell asleep. You just kissed my nose, wished me sweet dreams, and rolled over. You have been different since you returned from your visit with her. I am sure you are just as surprised as I am that she came. Maybe you’re just coping with the shock, too. Maybe, just maybe, it really was innocent and everything is going to be okay. Or maybe you don’t know how to hurt me. It’s not in your nature to hurt me. I know that I love you more than anything and no matter what happens I always will.

Ryan didn’t try to, but he had shut Larkin out when Abigail came back into his life. He had tried to fight the urge to allow Abigail back into his life, but he had always had a soft spot for her. Seeing her had brought him back to the life he had left; a life that he loved living. He knew he eventually would have gotten back to that life, but seeing Abigail that day had tempted him to go back to it sooner rather than later.

He remembers seeing Abigail sitting on the couch as he made his way down the stairs. He wasn’t expecting to see her. Larkin had only come up to tell him someone was there to see him, but she didn’t say who.

“Abby?” he said. “What are you doing here?”

“Hi, Ryan.” She smiled as she stood up to greet him. Her smile had always made him melt. “I was in New York for an event, so I thought I would come down to see you. I stopped by your mother’s house, but she told me you lived here now. I hope it’s okay I am here.”

“It’s okay.” He couldn’t take his eyes off her. She was still so beautiful. “You look great, Abby.”

“I was wondering if we could talk. Do you have time? I was thinking maybe we could grab some lunch.”

He glanced over to Larkin. “Well, Larkin and I were getting ready to go out for lunch.”

“It’s okay, Ryan. You two go and catch up. I’ll be okay. There’s plenty to eat here,” Larkin said.

He approached her and grabbed her shoulders. “Are you sure?”

Larkin nodded with an uneasy smile. He could see she was doing her best to not let him see the apprehension in her eyes.

“Larkin, I don’t have to go.”

“No, no, I want you to. It will be good for you to see an old friend.”

He studied her face for a moment before deciding that he would go. “Okay. I won’t be long.” He kissed her on the forehead. “I promise.”

Ryan drove Abigail a couple of blocks away to a local diner, and they sat in the far side corner so no one would recognize them. More so for Abigail’s privacy as the locals had started to get used to seeing Ryan around town. The conversation over lunch had been slow and awkward as they both struggled getting used to being in each other’s presence again. The divorce had been amicable for the most part, but Ryan had wanted to work a little harder at making it work. He still held some resentment toward Abigail for not trying harder. They decided to order coffee after they finished lunch. As they waited, Abigail reached across the table and grabbed Ryan’s hand. As much as he knew he should pull away from her delicate grasp, he couldn’t bring himself to. Instead, he brushed his thumb across her fingers and locked his eyes with her. He felt like he had been transported back to two years ago when they were happy and in love. But when Abigail finally spoke, the words she had said brought him back to reality, and he quickly pulled his hand away from hers.

“I miss you, Ryan,” she said.

At that moment, Ryan knew she had come to see him for reasons other than just catching up.

“What do you want me to say to that, Abigail?” Those words had made him angry.
I miss you? After all this time? Where were you when I wanted to make it work? You left. You gave up.
These thoughts consumed his mind, but he couldn’t seem to form them into words.

“I don’t know, Ryan. Maybe you miss me too?” He could hear the desperation in her voice.

“I did miss you, Abby. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I wanted us to work. But you gave up. So, again, what am I supposed to say to that?”

“I’m sorry, Ryan. I am. But I realized I made the biggest mistake of my life after I left. I didn’t realize what I had until you were gone. I still love you.”

I still love you
. Those were the words Ryan had been longing to hear from Abigail for so long after their divorce. But it was too late. She had waited too long.
Why is she doing this? Why now? I have finally been able to move on, and now she comes back into my life.
Ryan tried to make sense of what was happening.

Abigail interrupted his thoughts. “Don’t you remember when you handed me the signed divorce papers you told me you would always love me?”

Ryan did remember, but he didn’t want to. He was afraid he still might. “Abigail…I can’t leave Larkin.”

“Ryan, you have been an amazing friend to her. You have gone above and beyond what friends do for each other. But you have given up everything for her. You have sacrificed your career and your friends. She isn’t alone. She has her family and her friends. And if she is your best friend, she would want you to be happy. You can’t let her hold you back from your life anymore. You need to come home. Come back to work.”

“Abby, she is not holding me back. I am choosing to be here with her.”

“Well, then choose to let her go. Choose to follow your heart. And if it is still with me, then you need to follow it and finally do something for yourself.”

All Ryan could think about was the night he had shared with Larkin, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell Abigail. He was scared to tell her that he and Larkin had fallen in love. He couldn’t understand why he was so scared to tell her. Perhaps he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Or maybe it was…and he was afraid to even understand this…but maybe it was because he did still love Abigail and he didn’t want her to know what had happened between him and Larkin. Ryan did love Larkin. He had fallen in love with her. But seeing Abigail again and hearing her say that she still loved him had unburied the feelings he had once felt for her. Maybe Abigail was right. Maybe his loyalty to Larkin was holding him back. It wasn’t Larkin’s fault, of course. She had never asked him for anything. But he had always been a loyal man, and sometimes loyalty can hold you back from the things you truly desire.

Ryan drove Abigail back to his house, and as they shared a good-bye embrace, she had whispered in his ear, “Follow your heart, Ryan. Come home. Even if it’s not to me, at least come home.”

Letter #18 - March 12, 2012

Ryan,

Today was a tough day for me. It hurts me to even write about it, let alone remind you of it. It is definitely not one of the best memories we have shared. The past two days I have watched you as you slowly drift away from me. It has been almost two days since Abigail has come to see you. And just like I wrote in my last letter, since you came home from your visit with her, you have been different. You are still kind and attentive toward my needs, but your eyes are a million miles away. Every time I ask you if you’re okay, you tell me you are, and you then you kiss my forehead. But it is hard for me to believe that everything is okay because ever since Abigail left, you have not told me you love me, and you have not kissed me on my lips.

I can’t believe I did what I did this morning, but I just couldn’t bear to see you drift away from me any further. I know our friendship has evolved into an amazing love affair, but I can’t bear to not have you in my life. If that means that I need to let you go just so we can salvage our friendship, then I need to let you go.

I wouldn’t be a good friend if I didn’t push you to follow your dreams and your heart, and if I am not or cannot be a part of your dreams, then I need to set you free.

Thank you for being so good to me.

This last letter reminded Ryan that he did not deserve Larkin. She was right. The reminder of this day was painful to relive. He had come home from fishing that morning and greeted Larkin in the kitchen with a hug. Her hug was distant and cold, and he had noticed over her shoulder a luggage bag sitting in front of the door. “What’s this, Larkin?” he asked nodding his head
towards the bag.

She was silent as she looked down, not able to look at him in the eyes. He tilted her chin up, forcing her to look at him, and he could see her fighting back the tears. “What’s with the bag, Larkin?”

“I’m going home to my parents,” she said, her voice almost a whisper.

“Why? This is your home.”

“No,” she replied shaking her head, “no, it’s not. You haven’t truly been here since Abigail came to see you. I don’t know where your mind is, although I have an idea, and I can’t handle watching you as you continue to drift away. And it’s not fair for me to make you feel like you have to stay.”

“You don’t make me feel like I have to stay. I want to be here.”

“I know you want to help me, and you have, Ryan. But now it is time for me to let you go. You’re different since she left. You haven’t told me you love me, you
don’t kiss me, and you know what? It’s okay. It’s okay if you want to go back to her. I know how much you loved her. She can give you so much more than I ever could. Don’t worry about me. I have my family and friends. Go live your life. The life you have dreamed of.”

Ryan pulled Larkin in close to him. “Larkin, we are living. And I am sorry if I have been distant lately. I’m not going to lie to you. I have been thinking about Abby the past few days, but I do love you, and I don’t want you to think that I don’t. And I don’t want you to think that I am going to leave you.”

“No, Ryan, we’re not living. We’re surviving. And I know you love me, but we fell in love in the shadow of my sickness. If I never would have gotten sick, we would have never fallen in love, and you would go back to Abigail.” She could no longer hold her tears in.

“I am going to go back to work. I just want to know you will be okay. We find out in a few weeks.”

“And if I’m not okay? Then what? Then you stay? Trapped in the confines of my sickness.”

“That’s not the case, Larkin. I’m not trapped.”

“Can you honestly stand here and look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t still love her? That seeing her again hasn’t sparked something inside of you?” All Ryan could do was look down and say nothing. He honestly didn’t know what he was feeling at that moment.

Larkin brushed Ryan’s cheek with her fingers. “Ryan, you are such a good man. I know you don’t want to hurt me. I know you want to be here for me. But I am going to be okay. I’m a big girl. I want you to go live the life you have dreamed of.” Her words were abruptly interrupted by the sound of a car horn in the driveway.

“I need to go. That’s my ride.”

“Larkin…the other night.”

“Ryan, it’s okay. It was a great night. We were caught up in the moment,” her voice cracked as she held back from crying. He couldn’t bear to see her cry.

She wrapped her arms around him. “You will always be my best friend. You will always be my fish. Thank you for being so good to me.” She quickly pulled from their embrace, turned away without even looking at him, grabbed her bag, and walked out the door leaving him only with the scent of her perfume to hold on to.

Two days later, Ryan showed up at Abigail’s doorstep in Los Angeles. He wasn’t sure if he was doing the right thing, but he needed to find out. He had hated leaving Larkin behind, but he had to find out if the love he had felt for her was real or if he did indeed belong with Abigail. His goodbye with Larkin and her tears haunted him at night. He didn’t feel as if he said all that was needed to say to her. He felt as if he left her without a care in the world, as if the night they had shared didn’t mean anything to him. It had meant something to him, but he wasn’t sure if it meant more than his past with Abigail. When Abigail opened the door, her beauty took his breath away. She was stunned to see him standing there. All he could do was smile at her. She reached out and pulled him into her arms and whispered into his ear, “Welcome home, Ryan.”

It took Ryan a few days to feel comfortable with Abigail again. He held her at a safe distance; after all, she had broken his trust when she left him. She was busy filming during the day, and he had set up a couple of meetings with his agent to discuss future projects, so they didn’t see each other much except in the evenings. The time they did spend together was easy. It was as if they picked up right where they left off, especially when they kissed for the first time in years as they cuddled on the living room floor next to the fireplace. Ryan had started to finally begin to feel like maybe he did belong with her. She was different than before. She seemed committed this time around to making them work.

There was never a day he didn’t think about Larkin. He had found himself starting to dial her number but always hung up midway through. He had no idea what he would say to her. He wondered if she was still feeling well or if her health was starting to decline again. He couldn’t bear to think she was sick again and he had left her alone. All he could do was hope she would call him if she needed him. But something told him she wouldn’t. He felt as if he had lost her forever. His best friend. His lullaby. His blue eyes. She was gone.