Larkin's Letters (11 page)

Her hand pulled quickly out of his, and she cupped her face with her hands, trying to hold back her emotions. He watched her as she shook her head no, repeating several times that she couldn’t marry him. “Ryan, I can’t marry you,” she said with tears running down her cheeks.

“Larkin, why? Why can’t you marry me?” His heart was trying to understand where she was coming from. He knew she loved him. Why wouldn’t she marry him?

“Ryan, I love you, and I want to marry you more than anything, but you deserve a lifetime of love. I can’t promise you a lifetime.”

He stood up and pulled her hands away from her face and wiped her tears.

“No, but I can promise you yours.”

Letter #21 - April 28, 2012

My dearest Ryan,

We are tangled up together on the recliner next to the burning fireplace. I am sitting on your lap as you sleep, your arms wrapped around my waist. I am watching you as you dream, listening to you breathe. You have the most amazing face, you know that? I am resting my head on your chest, and your heartbeat is serenading me as I write this letter to you. We had the most amazing day today. Our wedding day. It couldn’t have been more perfect. I felt like an angel in my sleek, white lace, spaghetti-strapped gown, and as I moved toward you down the aisle, all I could see was your crooked smile.  I thought I was an angel walking down the aisle to heaven.

Thank you for an extraordinary day. Everything came together in such a short time. We had a small wedding, but I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Our family and closest friends. My father giving me away to you. You and me together. Nothing is better.

We agreed to say our own vows, but I struggled because there are no words to describe how I feel for you and what you mean to me. I could feel you squeeze my hand as I struggled to find the right words to say. I stared down toward the ground, digging my toes into the cold, white sand. I studied the tiny grains of sand and gathered my thoughts, and the moment I looked up and saw your perfect face smiling at me, I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I don’t ever want you to forget my words to you today. So here they are just in case.

“You wipe away my tears, you wipe away my sweat, you wipe away my blood, and you wipe away my sickness. You are my breath when I can’t breathe. You are my warmth in the coldness. You are my light in the darkness. You are my heaven when I am going through hell. You are my voice when I lose mine. You are my sight when I am too tired to open my eyes. And you hold my eyes closed when I can’t sleep. You never let me fall asleep alone. You are my smile when all I want to do is cry. You carry me when I can’t walk. You pick me up when I fall, although it is rare that you even let me fall. You are my hero, my soldier, my angel, my hope. Every time you kiss me, you save me a little more each time. You have been my best friend since the beginning, and you will be until the end. You are my little piece of heaven, and I can only pray that I can be a little piece of yours. I love you more than my life, and I vow to adore you the way you adore me.”

I love you, my husband, always and forever.

Ryan and Larkin’s wedding day was the best day of his life. He couldn’t imagine a more perfect day, a more perfect time, and a more perfect girl. It had been the perfect April evening for a wedding. The sun had just started to sink behind the horizon, and the stars had just began to faintly appear one by one in the navy blue sky as guests filled the seats in the folded white chairs that sunk into the sand. They just moved into their new house, and they got married on the beach property that it sat on. It was a perfect sixty degrees, and the breeze that had been blowing all day had finally settled. It had only been two weeks since he had proposed, but it had been more than enough time to plan for the wedding. He had wanted to get married as quickly as possible. He didn’t know what the future held for Larkin, and he wanted to be her husband for as long as he could. They had a makeshift altar prepared, and it sat just next to the dunes where Ryan and Larkin would go to feed the seagulls. The aisle was designated by a trail of red roses that led from the bottom of the deck steps all the way to the altar. They didn’t have many guests, just immediate family and their closest friends—Larkin’s parents and sister, Laura; her closest friends from school, Mary, Jennifer, and Nikki; his mother and two brothers, Ricky and Bobby, and their wives; and his closest friends, Ian, Sarah, and Justin. Ian had stood by Ryan as his best man, and Larkin had been attended to by Laura.

The tired sun had sunk like it was in quicksand, and by the time Larkin’s figure had appeared at the end of the aisle with her father, it had transformed
into the moon. The strums from violins echoed off the stars, preparing the guests for her arrival. As she had approached closer and closer, the moon lit up her face, and her angelic silhouette loomed through the candle lights that had been lit at the end of every chair aisle.

As he watched her walk down the sandy aisle arm-in-arm with her father, he realized he was meant to be her husband. She was more beautiful than any girl he had ever laid his eyes on. The white moonlight that gleamed down provided the only light in the darkness of the night, and as her silhouette materialized through the cloudiness of the light, all he could focus on were her beautiful ocean blue eyes. He was mesmerized by her beauty and by her strength, and he knew then he was meant to only ever love one woman, and that woman was about to become his wife.

How could he ever forget those vows that Larkin had said? After she had said them, for a brief moment, he had let go of her hand to wipe away the single tear streaming down her cheek. She then took the ring from her sister and placed it on his left ring finger. “Ryan, take this ring as a sign of my solemn vow.” She sealed her vow with a kiss of the ring as it circled around his finger.

Ryan turned his head and stared at the ocean, watching the waves crash in. He was taken aback by the words she had spoken to him. After a moment, he looked into her eyes and began to speak. “Just like the ocean, my love for you is immense. I never knew what love was until you. I thought I did, but I was wrong. When I look at you, I see the strongest, most courageous woman. Even though it took a long time to get to this moment in our lives, I have loved you forever. It just took a tragedy to make me realize it.” He paused. “And I am
so
sorry for that. I promise to fill your days making up for all the moments we have missed together. People ask me all the time how difficult it was for me to leave my career behind, and I don’t even think twice about it when I answer them. I tell them it was the easiest decision I ever made. My mother used to say to me, ‘Ryan, you were born to be an actor.’ But just a couple of months ago, she said, ‘Ryan, I was wrong. You weren’t born to be an actor. You were born to take care of Larkin. I truly believe I brought you into this world to love and take care of that girl.’ Larkin, I love you more than
my
life, and I vow to keep wiping away your tears, your sweat, your blood, and your sickness any time you need me to.”

Ian placed Larkin’s ring in Ryan’s hand as he turned to him after his vows. “Larkin, take this ring as a sign of my solemn vow.” And as Larkin did a moment ago, he sealed his vow with a kiss of the ring as it wrapped around her delicate finger.

Their love echoed off the cool night sand, and as everyone stood with applause and excitement when the minister announced them as husband and wife, Ryan escorted his bride down to where the earth met the ocean, and that was where they kissed for the first time as husband and wife.

Letter #22 - April 30, 2012

Hey, husband,

I can’t believe I get to call you that. Today is the day. The first day of the next journey in my life, with or without cancer. We had an unforgettable weekend. We became husband and wife in front of our closest friends and family, and we all celebrated together throughout the weekend till we couldn’t anymore. It was the best three days of my life, and I owe it all to you. Why are you so good to me? Cancer didn’t even cross my mind this weekend. Not once. For once, I had no worries. Just joy and hope. I have never felt more alive, more healthy, and more vivacious than these past few days.

But now, back to today. Today we find out if the cancer is gone. We find out if all the hard work, the sacrifices, the time, the money, and the suffering has paid off. I must admit to you, Ryan, I am scared. Scared that it is still seething through my veins, poisoning my body. I am not prepared to hear that news. I have felt so amazing these past few days that it is hard to imagine I am still sick.

But if “cancer” is the word we hear later today, I will continue to fight and battle with everything that I am. With you by my side, I can do anything. You steady my hand, and you are my guardian when all is crumbling. I know you won’t let me fall.

Letter #23 - May 1, 2012

Dear Ryan,

“Tomorrow” has been a frightening word for me lately. It’s just a word, but it’s an important word. Tomorrow is not promised, and it is certainly unknown. No one knows what tomorrow holds. You can plan for it, but it is not guaranteed. Tomorrow is taken for granted, and until your tomorrow is threatened, you will always take it for granted.

You know those famous mottos “Live in the moment” and “Live for today”? Well, we have spent the past eight months trying to live in the moment. Not dwelling on what we missed out on in the past, and not worrying about the future. Just what was then and now, making the most of every minute of the day. You have a little routine every morning when we wake up. You kiss my nose and brush your thumb across my forehead, and you say the same thing every time. You say, “Larkin, all I ask is that you give me today so I can prove to you I am your tomorrow.”

Well, Ryan, my beautiful-faced boy, when I awoke this morning, I turned to you, kissed your nose and brushed my thumb across your forehead, and said to you, “Ryan, not only will I give you today, but I will give you all my tomorrows.” And for the first time in a long time, I feel like living for tomorrow. I know, I know. As I wrote earlier, people take tomorrow
for granted, and I am going to, just this one time, just today. And I promise, it will be the only time I will, but I want to skywrite it, Ryan. I want to shout it into the springtime air. I am cancer-free! Cancer-free! But you are still so worried. The doctor told us with the type of leukemia I had, my remission can relapse at any time. I still have to take medicines every day to try to avoid any chance of that, but tomorrow is looking a little less scary for me right now, and I can’t wait to see what it has to offer me. I beat cancer, Ryan. I beat it. We beat it. What is more challenging, more taxing, than fighting cancer? I can’t think of anything. So whatever challenge tomorrow has to offer, bring it on. I feel like I can take on anything.

Letter #24 - May 7, 2012

Hey, Fish,

We finished moving the last of our things into our new house on the bay this past week. Ian, Sarah, and Justin came to help, and so did Ricky and Bobby. It is still so surreal to me. Living with you in this spectacular home with this picturesque view of the inlet just like I had always dreamed. And you made it happen for me. I would never be here if it weren’t for you. Why are you so good to me?

Hanging out with Ian, Sarah, and Justin this past week has been so great. You have really great friends, and now I am lucky to call them my friends. Especially Ian. He is so great, Ryan. We bonded months ago when he stayed with me those couple of days, but this past week, we really strengthened that bond. I have to be honest with you. After this past week, I feel a sense of calmness. I am at peace knowing you will be in good hands if my health were to decline again. You know how you always tell me you will never let me fall? Well, I know Ian, Sarah, and Justin will never let you fall.

I want you to remember this week. Remember the five of us tossing the Frisbee on the beach, grilling out every night, going for boat rides into the back bay. Remember the surprise birthday party you threw for me. I really was surprised, even though you think I wasn’t. It was such a great week. Sarah and I would paint and decorate the house while the three of you would go fishing and try to catch our dinner for the night. Sarah and I had such great conversations about life and just about being women. We would blare the radio so loud and sing and dance around the house like we were in a band. The neighbors probably thought we were crazy! Sarah is so beautiful, talented, and full of life. She certainly adores you, and what makes her so beautiful is that she doesn’t even realize it. Sometimes I wonder how you never fell in love with her.

Justin and I had a conversation the night before they all left. He thanked me for loving you. He had been worried about you. Did you know that? He was worried you
weren’t going to be able to bounce back from the backlash from the media about your divorce with Abigail. I told him he was underestimating your strength. He talked about the bond you and I share and how lucky we are to have started to build that bond when we were kids. He wished he and Amanda had that sort of bond. Our bond is bottomless, timeless, and effortless. We worked hard building this bond, and I am going to protect it and guard it with everything I have. And I am going to work even harder making sure it is never broken.

Letter #25 - May 21, 2012

Hey, beautiful,

I went fishing with you today for the first time since I went into remission. Actually, for the first time in years. The last time we went fishing was when you came home for your dad’s funeral. Do you remember that? We stayed out on the water from dawn till dusk just fishing and talking. I knew you were hurting, and I wasn’t going to leave until I knew you were going to be okay.

The weather was perfect today. Clear blue skies and calm waters. The smell of the salt water wafted off the swells, and the rocking of the boat from the passing boats’ wake had transported me back into the past. I couldn’t help but remember all the times we spent out
on the water together, unknowingly building a love that has lasted a lifetime, literally.