Laid 2 Rest Two Halves of a Whole (15 page)

I took a deep breath as I struggled with my own insecurities. Unsure of how much more bad news I could bear right now, I needed to stay clear of anything involving Maya as much as possible and deal with that on my own, in time, in my own way. Meanwhile, maybe I could find a way to reverse what I did and bring KJ back.

“What do I do… for a living?” I asked him, still shell-shocked from the sudden disappearance of my massage room.

“You’re the district manager at the jail,” he answered without too much concern for my mental stability.

His answer was a little surprising to say the least. I had to clench my teeth to keep from screaming.
How in the hell could I still be working there?

This was the job that had brought me here to New Mexico in the first place. I worked there before being relocated out-of-state. That was how Diego and I had met. I controlled all the purchasing for the company, while he repaired and updated the computer system that I kept crashing.

We both transferred out here after we were married to make a fresh start for ourselves. I thought that if I left the world I knew far behind me, I could pretend that I was a new and improved woman without any past demons to haunt me.

I am a fucking idiot!

Hate wasn’t a strong enough emotion to describe how I felt about that damn job. Once upon a time, I had no complaints and looked forward to going to work everyday. It wasn’t until I made the move into management that the shit hit the fan. I saw a whole other side of the corporate world that I wasn’t exposed to beforehand which caused me to drastically reconsider my promotion. Although, by that point, I had major issues with just about everything regarding the jail, from my lazy staff, to the whining inmates, even the arrogant Director and Chief was working my last nerve.

Everyday that I spent there, I felt trapped in my own personal hell on earth, working for a boss that under appreciated me to the fullest. My light at the end of the tunnel came in the form of me telling him to stick my job where the sun didn’t shine. Now that was something
I could appreciate…
Ha!

What was I doing still working there? I quit that job because I was so burnt out and started going to massage school instead. Why didn’t I follow my dream? This just doesn’t make any sense.

“Do I really like it there or something, my job I mean?”

“Nah. You hate it. I don’t blame you for blocking that part out. You’re only there because of the money. You can’t seem to be able to swallow your pride and live off the generous allowance I give you,” he said jokingly.

He was right of course, but I still sucked in air at that remark. Ever since I could remember, he’d been putting money into a secret private account for me. It was his way of spoiling me. Besides, he said that he had so much of it that he couldn’t possibly spend it all by himself, so he was more than happy to share with me.

Shhhhhhhh. Don’t tell Diego okay.

“Well, the first thing I’m going to be handling when I get out of here is something that I should have been done years ago. QUIT!!! I’m not wasting one more second slaving away for that jerk-off!” I puffed, folding my arms across my chest with my lips poked out.

“I’d love to see that. Be a fly on the wall. The look on your bosses face would be satisfaction alone.”

“What about my hobbies, interests… extra curricular activities. What do I do besides work?” I asked trying to changing the subject, remembering how I used to slave away at that job, killing myself by working 60-hour weeks, leaving me with little time to do much else.

“You still draw, you paint, and you read a lot these days.”

I still read a lot, huh. The only reason I did this was to escape my boring real life.
My marriage must still suck then!
When I transported myself into a good book, I wasn’t a cold bitter ice queen anymore, isolated in a frozen wasteland with my brute husband. I always pretended that I was the leading lady from those romance novels I read and a man who adored me would one day sweep me off my feet.

“And what about you, are you happy… with how your life turned out?” I wasn’t quite sure how to ask about his daughter’s well-being or if he had a long-lost girlfriend tucked away somewhere. So I tried to steer the conversation in that direction and hoped he would reveal that information to me on his own.

Bracing for impact just in case Jasmine disappeared too or he was engaged to be married, he said the unexpected, “I can’t complain too much. I’ve got my career, Jazz keeps me pretty busy, and I have you of course. What more can a guy ask for?”

I let out a sigh of relief. I was so worried that maybe I had changed more than I’d realized. The mere thought of KJ’s disappearance again set off another chain reaction of emotions. Jay cradled me in his arms and let me cry myself out. We spent the whole night like this. He answered all my questions, wiped away my tears and stroked my back as I dozed in and out of sleep.

In the morning, Joel was busy badgering the nurse because she couldn’t tell him exactly what was wrong with me. She couldn’t explain my panic attack yesterday or why I fainted in the first place since all my test results came back normal.

Jay had kept his promise to keep my memory loss quiet, so as far as the hospital was concerned, my little episode made no medical sense. Joel came back in and sat down next to Jay on my left hand side, while Diego sat solo on my right.

“Stupid nurse! What kind of hospital is this? Does anyone around here know how to do their job?” My brother said annoyed with worry.

He didn’t say it, but I knew seeing me in a hospital bed attached to machines was extremely painful for him. This had to of reopened some wounds that had barely begun to scab over. He was afraid of losing me suddenly… like we had lost our dad. Here one minute and gone the next, without any chance to say goodbye.

That was the hardest part you know. Standing there…
broken,
with millions of unanswered question and a whole lot of wish-I-would-of-could-of’s to deal with, on top of everything else that death brought to your door.

I have to get out of here immediately…
for both of our sakes.

“If they can’t find anything wrong with me, does that mean I get to go home soon? I feel fine, guys,” I told the room.

“Don’t be too hasty. We want to be sure you’re in the clear first,” Jay chimed in.

My husband of course just sat there as if he was bored. I swear it seemed like he was just waiting for me to instruct him to do something so I told him it was alright to leave and to go back to work. That there was no need for all of them to babysit me. I assured him that I was in capable hands and sent him on his merry-go-lucky way. Like a good little robot.

Relief filled me after he was gone. One less problem to deal with. He was draining me even though he was just sitting there. The man was pathetic and if I had to look at him any longer, I might be tempted to smack him upside the head just to get a rise out of him.

My evil train of thought was broken when Joel stated, “Remind me why you’re married to that guy again!”

“Don’t start okay. He wasn’t like that when I married him and you know it. Besides, you only like Jay more because he gives you season tickets.”

“No… that’s not entirely true. I like him more because he gives me
court side
season tickets,” he corrected as we all broke into laughter.

Nice
was all Jay said, shaking his head back and forth.

“Well, at least Diego’s not as bad as my ex-husband! He was a real piece of work, huh?” I said without thinking too much of it at first.

“
Ex-husband???
” they yelped out together.

Immediately, I knew that my big mouth had made an error. They looked at each other and then turned back to me for clarification, but before they could ask me any questions, we were interrupted by a knock at the door.

“Breakfast,” the nurse announced, oblivious to the tension in the room with a tray of food in her hands.

“Perfect. I’m starved,” I blurted out, thankful for her excellent timing. I hope they’ll forget what we were just talking about and if not,
I’ll just blame it on all the drugs I’m hyped up on
.

There on the tray, sat a bowl of oatmeal, an orange, and a carton of milk... ewwww. “Uh, can I have something different to eat please?” I asked the nurse with my face crunched up like she had handed me a bowl of cat livers to chew on.

I hated plain oatmeal. They could have at least dressed it up with cinnamon and sugar or some butter and salt. She had no pity on her face for me because all she said was that we would have to see how my stomach handled this and then maybe she’d bring me back something eatable for lunch.

Those weren’t her exact word, but you get the picture, right.

Pushing the oatmeal around the bowl, I sat playing with it. Jay reached over, grabbed the orange and started peeling it for me. “Don’t worry, love; I’ll sneak you in something when the warden’s not looking, alright.” He smiled and handed me back the now peeled orange ready for me to eat.

I couldn’t help but smile back at him as I popped one of the juicy wedges into my mouth. How did he do that? How could he make me smile so easily without even trying?

We all sat around for the rest of the morning, talking about my nephew and watching some game shows on the tiny TV, when the nurse finally said that I was free to leave.

Hallelujah!

It was good to be home. Hospitals made me feel nauseous. It was a relief to be out of there and comfortable in a place not associated with sick or dying people.

To my surprise, the house looked all shiny and clean when we walked thru the front door. Jay leaned in close and whispered in my ear, when I stopped dead in my tracks just inside the entryway, “I had a cleaning service come in this morning just in case you got early parole. I want you to just lay back and relax for a few days, you understand. No unnecessary stress for you, young lady. Let me and Joel take care of whatever you need for a change.”

“Oh my God, Jay…
you
did this?” My eyes became watery. I didn’t deserve his kindness, not now anyway. I was a bad person. An empty and hallow soul, not to mention that I felt like a murderer.
Again!
How could he treat a horrible person like me so nicely? How was he still capable of looking or remaining near me? I was scum… nothing more than
crusty toilet bowl scum.

“I
know
you didn’t assume Diego did it! Joel went grocery shopping and is going to barbeque later so you don’t even have to cook. Now go pick out a movie or something for us to watch. Then lay your butt on the couch. I don’t want you to over exert yourself.”

Well now, this was exactly how a man who claimed to love a woman should act. He wore the pants in our relationship and I could only respect that. “
Yes, sir!
” I sounded off, saluting him. A girl could definitely get used to this kind of treatment.

It continued like this for a couple more days until my brother had to get back to California and my nephew. They never let me lift a finger while I was under their care. Jay kept answering questions for me on the sly, as they came up as promised, but he wasn’t convinced that I was getting any better so he remained in New Mexico after Joel had left, just to be safe.

We kept his extended visit on the down low to avoid any unnecessary headaches. He checked himself into the closest hotel so he wasn’t too far away from me if I needed him. The only time we weren’t together was when Diego was home, which wasn’t often due to his hectic work schedule.

After two and a half weeks, my memories started to finally fill in. It was a relief for Jay as much as it was for me. His face looked a little more relaxed, but he knew I was keeping something from him…
something major.
He saw the sadness in my eyes no matter how much I tried to hide it. I applied my mask everyday before he arrived, but my red, puffy eyeballs always gave me away.

I saw little KJ’s innocent face every time I shut my eyes. The only time I slept was when I was wrapped up safely in Jay’s arms. He was the only thing keeping me from having another nervous breakdown. He was my lifeline and kept my demons at bay so he never pushed too hard because he seemed to sense just how fragile I truly was.