Knots (21 page)

She shook her head. Not a big deal if she chose to sleep more like best friends rather than lovers tonight.

Then why did it feel like a freaking rhinoceros was stampeding through her heart, stomping it to bits, then parking its heavy ass there, creating this undeniable pressure that made her want to scream?

She kept her head down and pushed her clothes off to the side of the closet with her bra hidden at the bottom of the pile. Her panties were still on and the shirt covered them, so she was modest enough to discuss the papers she’d brought with her without too much embarrassment.

She leaned over and grabbed out of her jeans pocket the completed papers he’d given to her a little while ago that she’d folded up.

Now he’d see what a closeted sex deviant she was. There were a few things on the list she didn’t want anything to do with, once she looked them all up on her laptop real quick and then was able to understand what they were. Most of them intrigued her and inflamed her skin, making it sensitive and tight to the touch.

With the papers in hand, she walked out to the living room.

Mark sat on the couch, looking scrumptious and perfectly disheveled as he drank a glass of wine. Dancing really agreed with him—messing up his hair and making his skin remain flushed for a little bit.

He had a glass of wine ready for her as well, along with a bowl of ice cream.

“You’re carrying those like they’re about to explode,” he observed.

She smiled but remained quiet. Her shoulders were becoming permanently involved with her earlobes. That was a love affair she was going to have to break up.

“Take a seat next to me, and let’s discuss what’s got you all tense,” he said, patting the cushion.

“I’m fine, Sir. Just unsure of what to talk about, and worried I won’t know what types of questions to ask,” she admitted.

She glided over to his side and sat down with uncharacteristic fluidity. There was something about him that made her feel like she was floating along in a fog.

“Anything that comes to mind I want you to share so we can be thorough, all right?”

She nodded. “I can do that.”

“I know you can.” He cupped her chin and rubbed below her bottom lip with the pad of his thumb. “Okay, I’m going to give you my list. You review mine, while I look at yours, and then we’ll talk. Feel free to eat your dessert while you’re at it.”

She nodded once more, and with jerking, spastic hands, traded papers with him, then grabbed the bowl.

Ice cream sounded perfect, just like him and his amazing body all stretched out and comfortable on the couch next to her.

“Please don’t judge for this,” she squeaked as she watched him begin reading her document.

“
Jeanie
,” he gave her name with that warning tone and swatted her thigh. He followed it up with a growl, then immediately turned his attention back to the paper before him.

She went back to his list while she demolished her ice cream in less than five minutes. Her hands set the bowl down on the coffee table, but she never let go of that paper in her hand with his list of likes and dislikes in regard to kink. What had she gotten herself into?

Would he really not judge her?

She grabbed the wine, took a few gulps and then set it back down.

Her insides tightened as she mentally beat the shit out of herself for saying something so pathetic about her fear of what he might think of her after seeing her desires laid out on paper and for upsetting him about it. She exhaled and let her shoulders drop. It was time she learn to start letting this stuff go. That’s what he’d expect and want her to do, and ultimately, there was no reason to get hung up over the little stuff. If she did, she’d never survive this night.

Her eyes roamed over the page again. She tried to be thorough and take it all in.

Excitement hit her repeatedly in a very palpable way, and she kept choking on her breath. She pulled at the collar of his shirt she was wearing, even though it was nowhere near her neck. Was she suffocating from desire? Sure as hell felt like it.

This man was more intoxicating than she ever imagined.

He was heavy into bondage, flogging, really liked wax play, and had a freaking neon wand. Oh God, her stomach flipped.

That was one of the toys she’d looked up online because she was trying to figure out what exactly a violet wand was, and the neon wand popped up. She’d watched this very brief advertisement video that had her damn near salivating. It looked like something she wanted to try immediately, and he had one.

She gripped the edges of the paper so tight, the paper trembled.

“Something bothering you? You can say now if you want,” he offered.

“Bothering? No, Sir. More like anticipation crippling me. It’s like Christmas at Santa’s shop, and I have no idea how I wound up here.” She smoothed the paper out over her lap.

“Something in particular fascinating to you?”

“So much, but the wand . . . I’d love to experiment with it wiii-ith you . . . s-someday,” she stammered, her tongue heavy and uncooperative. She had to duck her head to swallow because her throat was constricting on her.

“I bet you would—with your fiery personality hidden inside you, I bet you’d come unleashed,” he mused, his eyes burning coals as he penetrated right through her defenses.

She squirmed in her seat.

“Was there anything there that concerned you at all—frightened you or made you want to run screaming?” He settled back into his comfortable couch, crossing his left ankle atop his right knee. His gaze held an unmistakable look of patience and understanding.

There wasn’t an ounce of judgment in those eyes.

“Tell me,” he insisted.

“Well, nothing that really stood out to me. I think I’m good with most of it, but for some reason . . .”

“Yes?”

“Well, I don’t know why, but blindfolds I’m fine with, although masks and hoods kind of scare me. I think that would probably go on my hard limit list,” she confessed.

“Yeah, I noted you put those in that category. That’s fine. I can do without those. Anything else you want to discuss?”

“The wax and fire play—they intrigue me, but how safe is that? It sounds kind of dangerous, Sir.” Her lips pursed, and she sucked in small morsels of air. It was hard to breathe due to him staring with that hungry look now focused on her.

“They’re safe when a Dom’s been trained and knows what he’s doing. I have experience with both, and when I have a sub that enjoys them, I’m happy to pull out my bag of tricks.” He smiled.

It eased the tension in her shoulders, and she relaxed into the cushions behind her like he did.

“Anything else?” he asked, reaching out and running his fingertips over her knee.

“I don’t know. What do you think I should know, Sir? I’m so inexperienced . . .” She fought the urge to say something self-deprecating.

“The most important aspect of all of this is you have complete trust in me, and that you know I’ll stop immediately when you safeword. We’ll change what we’re doing by fixing whatever’s bothering you, or if it’s not for you at all, we’ll ditch it altogether and discuss if it needs to be a hard limit or possibly a soft limit to be revisited later. I have to know you’ll safeword if you need to as well. This is going to require tons of open communication, so your statement earlier about me not judging—you realize why that’s not a factor? I’d never hold anything against you when you’re being so vulnerable by sharing your fantasies with me. If I judged you, there’d be no room for trust. I’d be sabotaging myself—and besides—I rather doubt you can come up with something that would shock me. I’ve been in the lifestyle for close to a decade.”

Damn. Almost a decade? They were both twenty-seven. That would mean he started doing this when he was possibly eighteen or nineteen? Holy shit. He knew at that young age he was a Dom at heart?

“Good to know. I’ll keep that in mind, Sir.”

“Ready to look at the contract?”

“Yeah,” she answered, the beginnings of a smile forming, then she handed him back his own kink list.

“I tweaked it quite a bit so the time frame is left open. It says a month or until one of us wants to back out. Were you okay with that wording?”

“It was good, Sir. I had no problem with that.”

“Was any of it alarming to you, or did anything bring up red flags?”

“No, not really. I signed it.” She jerked her head toward the paper. “I did add an addendum at the bottom. I hope that’s okay?”

“Let me see,” he said, and she handed it to him.

He read through it and smiled when he got to the end. “Not a problem.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m actually not that hard to please when it comes to you, sweetie. I love that you thought of these few fine points to make it your own and to assert your independence in your own way. That’s exactly what I want you to do.” He tugged her into his lap. “God, I love how brave you’re being about this. I know it’s intimidating, but you’re so strong and resilient—it’s obvious in the way you filled these out you thought everything through completely.”

“I want to cook for you down the road, but after what happened with Pono, I realized I had to change my mind. I can’t trust myself to feed you, so no cooking. Soft limit for now, but we’ll act like it’s a hard limit until we think I’m ready to do that again,” she said, bowing her head.

He tipped it right back up. “I understand, and I agree one hundred percent.”

“What about the waxing of my vagina?”

He chuckled, and it was dark and erotic-sounding, making the organ she was talking about swell and throb.

“I leave that up to you. I actually don’t have much of a preference as long as you keep it neat and trim so I can eat you anytime I want without anything getting in my way.”

She rested her palms on his chest. “You’re sure? Tia said that was a big deal to some Doms.”

“It is for some. If or when you feel ready to try some wax or fire play, we’ll definitely have to remove hair from the area we’ll be playing with. For now, I’m fine with it being either way. Having my tongue on your pussy often is what matters most to me, not making you uncomfortable if you don’t like waxing.” He swallowed and watched her facial expression intently. “It can be alarming for some women to go bare and be spread open for her lover to see all of her. That can take some adjustment, and since you and I are barely starting out, I understand completely why you’re hesitant.” He paused, then gave her a possessive look. “And I really don’t like the idea of anybody else seeing that gorgeous pussy except me, so, yeah, just keep it trimmed.”

“Thank you for listening to me.” Her eyes averted for a moment, and she flushed. “I’m completely ready now to do this your way and submit to you, but sometimes I’ll need some space until I feel really comfortable in the relationship.” Her chest squeezed over speaking this honestly about such sensitive topics. It was odd, but somehow she’d never felt so free before.

“That’s all I can ask. You’ll have your own room, and anytime you need space, you can lock the door, and I won’t come in.”

She grinned. “You entered while I was showering just this morning, and I’m fairly certain I locked the door, Sir.”

“That you did, but I knew something was wrong, and I was worried.”

Her face pinched, and her head angled back. “Then how am I supposed to feel secure and know you won’t enter if I lock it?”

“You need to tell me briefly that you’re okay but need some time to yourself. As long as I know you’re okay, then I’ll back off. I won’t ever leave you alone if I know you’re hurting and need me, but are too afraid to ask for me to be there for you. You’re not used to asking for help, and I knew that about you, so I stepped in so I could assess where you were at. I wouldn’t be a good Dom if I’m not doing everything in my power to make sure you’re okay.” He cupped her cheeks. “We good?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“This is when you can use safewords like ‘green,’ to let me know we can proceed. ‘Green’ means you’re good and keep going, ‘yellow’ means slow down, something’s not quite right, and ‘red’ means stop. So, tell me, Jeanie . . . What color are you right now?”

“Green. Definitely.”

“Thank God.” He swallowed, and his eyes lit up. “Come on. I wanna play with you, and you need it.”

He helped her up, and she waited for direction.

“Wait for me, naked in my room.” He motioned his head toward the hallway. “Stand at the foot of the bed.”

She hesitated for a second, opened her mouth like she wanted to say something, but closed it instead.

“That’s my beautiful girl. I’ll take good care of you,” he said, pointing to where he expected her to go.

Oh God, her legs actually weakened as she roamed back to his bedroom.

She was doing this. She actually gave him the green light to do something—or hell, maybe everything that was on that list.

One month. She’d signed it and said that was fine. She’d still get to know him, but already they’d be getting physical. No more waiting—and thank God, because she didn’t think she could last much longer without feeling his naked body on hers again.