Knots (17 page)

She went straight to her bag to get dressed. His eyes followed her.

She put on her underwear, and still his eyes were on her.

Oddly, it was comforting to have him watching. Somehow it felt familiar even though Pono never paid attention. That man wouldn’t notice if she chose to be nude all the time at home. He was so comfortable and oblivious he was more like a roommate, peeing with the door open.

She never liked that it had gotten to that point.

“You’re fine with me being in here—I like that.” His eyes softened.

“It feels normal somehow.” She shrugged, slipped into a bra and then a tee shirt.

“That’s because you know I want to be in here. It’s not shameful to let a man watch that adores you.”

“Yeah, but society would say it’s indecent. It’s breaking rules of some sort,” she said, pulling her shorts on.

“I’ve got much better rules, and I think you’ll enjoy them much more than the boring, vanilla ones you’ve lived with your entire life.” He grinned.

“So far I seem to be breaking rules right and left without even realizing. It’s one of the things I worry about in this arrangement.” She sat on the bed and stared back at him.

“Rules are a good thing. You act like they exist to repress you. They’re actually there to free you up so you don’t have to worry about them. How many women are frustrated when they start dating a new guy because there are no clear cut plans or rules to follow? Will he call? Won’t he? And why?”

“A lot of these rules you have are built on your whims, so how’s that any different?” She slid her toes across the cool wood floor. So different from back home. She was used to carpet and tile.

“They’re not based on my whims. They’re based on what you want, and then I make sure you get it, but I do it my way. That’s how there are assurances that it’s equal. What good is any relationship if only one person gives and the other person takes? We both get something out of this.”

“If we’re both automatically giving and taking, then remind me—I guess I’m not seeing why rules are even necessary? That part seems kind of stiff and unnatural to me.”

“In the beginning—yes, I admit—it can feel that way, but it fades quickly, and then we both settle in and know what’s expected. In the long run, things go smoother and there are fewer issues with miscommunication and misunderstandings. They’re meant to protect your heart, Jeanie. Why’s that a bad thing? Why’s it wrong for me to correct you?”

She swallowed and went mute. Her brain went blank. What was she supposed to say?

He stepped right up to her. “Stop worrying about breaking the rules. It’s going to happen sometimes, and it’s okay. I’ll be here to remind you and keep explaining them if you need it.”

“Sounds exhausting for you,” she said, rolling her eyes and her head in the process. “Why bother with me when I have no clue what I’m doing? I’ll be a klutz and make this less than fun for you.”

“There is nothing klutzy about you. You’re beautiful, and there’s this elegance about you I admire.” He gripped her chin and tipped her head up so she was forced to look at him. “Tell me the idea of rules, when exacted by me, doesn’t turn you on.”

Her breath caught somewhere between her ribs and pussy, where this pressure was building.

“I don’t know why it does that to me, but, yeah . . . I’m not sure if I should like it or not, though. It sounds like I’ll be trapped somehow.”

“You won’t.” He leaned the back of his knees into the edge of the mattress. “You have a say in everything, so you’ll never feel trapped. If you decide a certain rule doesn’t work for you, well, then we revise it or get rid of it.”

She exhaled a shaky breath. Her diaphragm was freaking out a little with him this close. It was like he commanded her very breath.

“I’ll need a lot of reminders. Won’t that bother you, Sir?”

He smiled when she used his title.

God, he was gorgeous when he was happy—eyes all lit up like that.

“It’s simple—I love you enough to care about giving reminders, but I don’t expect perfection. I do expect you to care, though, just like I do. It should be important to both of us. And that’s all that matters—we’re both invested. That’s how this works. That’s why the fears go away. You know I’m completely devoted to you and your happiness, and I have the satisfaction of knowing I get the same in return. What about that doesn’t sound like everything you’ve ever wanted right down to your marrow?”

“Yeah, I . . .” She glanced over at the bathroom door. “I think I’m starting to get it. In the shower a little bit ago, I was considering shaving my pussy for you, but then I wasn’t sure if you’d like that or not, so I didn’t. It would’ve been nice to know what you preferred. In a way that kind of goes under the category of rules, right?” She braved a glance back into his piercing gaze.

He smirked. “See—you’re getting it already, and yes . . . That falls under the rules. I’ll be inspecting your body regularly to make sure you’re keeping your end of the deal.”

“Oh, gaaawd,” she groaned. “Inspecting?” Her pussy clenched in response to that word.

“I’ll show you the position I’ll expect you take on, and I’ll perform inspections randomly.”

Her mouth watered. “So, I’ll be naked for this?”

“Stark.” He smirked.

“But you’ll be dressed?”

“Of course.” He ran his hands over her shoulders, then up the sides of her throat. His hands cupped her jaw, and his thumbs ran over the edge. “You’ll be naked quite a bit.”

“And you’ll be dressed quite a bit?” Her eyes narrowed, though she smiled. “Already I’m seeing an imbalance here,
Sir
.”

“Tell me how unfair it is—please, and I’ll show you the cracks. I’ll always make sure you’re soft limits and hard limits are understood and honored.” He grabbed her hands, ran his lips between her fingers and kissed her palms. His eyes went really heavy and dark. “You have your scent on this hand.” He dropped her left hand like it was useless and landed several spine-melting, open-mouthed kisses on the inside of her right. Her fingers twitched several times, in time with her clit.

Were they rigged together somehow? Was this normal for her to react this way?

He was so disarming, and everything came across as so new, she almost felt like she was a virgin, and he was experimenting with her. He moved slowly, too, like he knew she was feeling this way.

Her breath leaked out as her mind whirred.

She didn’t deserve this kind of tenderness from this seductive, skilled man. He deserved better.

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” his soft voice said, comforting her.

He leaned over and kissed her forehead.

“
How
is it?” Her tone was a little biting.

“This is a lot to take in.” His hands were back on her shoulders.

“You called me sweetheart,” she said, her voice flat.

“I did.”

“Don’t call me that—I don’t deserve it.” She shifted her eyes to her lap. Every inch of her gut told her he wasn’t going to agree to this, and it would probably make him angry, but if he wanted to know upfront what made her uncomfortable—
this
did. Pono didn’t use soft endearments like that.

She hadn’t with him either.

“You
do
deserve it. You didn’t do anything wrong,” he told her, and with soft, but firm hands, he cupped the sides of her head and tipped her gaze up again.

“How can you say that? I have the worst—” She cut herself off for a second, but he gave her a look that said to continue, so she went on. “I betray Pono’s memory by comparing him in my head to you. It’s not fair to him because I was married to the guy and he doesn’t compare. You do things to me—I feel things for you I never did with him. My body reacts in ways I can’t even explain.”

“You’d end this for him?” His voice broke and went up in pitch significantly.

“No. I don’t care what he thinks about me anymore—why would I when he’s gone?”

“Then why? Because it sounds like you’re talking yourself out of being with me, and if that’s the case, I’d at least like to know why—what’s getting in the way.”

“I feel completely out of control—have no idea what to do with myself. You move an inch, and I jump in the same direction. It’s repulsive the way I practically kiss your feet when I barely know you.” She ran her sweating palms down her shorts.

“You should be proud of yourself, Jeanie, not ashamed of how you’ve managed yourself in all this. It’s normal to struggle and want to feel in control. Pono had put you in a position where you were forced to make most of the important decisions with no regard to if you wanted to do that or if it hurt you.”

She exhaled in a slight huff. He stroked her cheeks. That small, tender action made her breath hitch.

He kept explaining, and she settled into place.

“This feels foreign to you in some ways, yet so right in others, so it’s confusing you.” He stroked her jaw once more with his thumbs. “This is where the rules come in and strip those warring feelings away. You weren’t afforded the opportunity before now to explore those parts of your basic nature—where you didn’t have to be in charge. I’m telling you now—your entire body lights up when I take over. It’s like a switch goes on inside you, and it’s the most breathtaking thing I’ve ever seen.” He stood staring with that confident posture of his, voice smooth and warm like butterscotch, melting over a sundae on a rough weeknight.

Why was it like this?

It made no sense to feel this attached so quickly.

Her head spun from nothing more than the scent of him.

“I need some space to think. I can’t hear my own mind when you’re near me—you’re
that
overwhelming, and before I do something stupid—”

“That’s why you’re going to Tia’s for a portion of the day. You can clear your head—get a little distance so you can regain your perspective.” He inhaled and then held his breath for a long pause, then exhaled in a husky, guttural burst. “It takes a lot of communication to be in a committed Dom/sub relationship, but I promise it’ll be worth it. You’ll feel more alive than you ever have. And I want you to know, I’m more than willing to do anything you need to feel comfortable and safe.”

A warm smile from him, and her heart melted slowly like ice left on a countertop.

“Thank you,” she said through a satisfied sigh.

“You’re welcome, sweetheart. Take your time with her. I want you happy.”

He ran his hands down her neck and then left her alone in the room.

She took a few moments to soak in all his kind words.

When she left her room, she found Mark in the kitchen, attending to breakfast.

She sat at the breakfast bar, kept her hands in front of her,
off
his bacon and smiled at him without another word.

This was comfortable—this was what she craved.

Bacon slaps or not.

* * *

“Well, you look better than you sounded on the phone,” Tia said, welcoming her into her home.

Mark squeezed Jeanie into his side, said goodbye, released her, then got back in his car and drove off.

“I feel better. We had breakfast, and he explained a few more things to me. I’m still a little restless, but not as freaked out. He has this calming presence that’s hard to explain.” Jeanie smiled. “It feels wrong to be this happy when my husband just died.” Tears tickled at her lashes.

“All right—come inside before you have a breakdown in my doorway. My neighbors only like to see the kinky men I bring home, not sad, sexually repressed women that are having a reawakening.” Tia barked a hiccup of a laugh and led her in the rest of the way.

Tia sat her down and brought her some tea. She sat across from her with her own mug. Tia’s legs tucked up under her as she studied Jeanie.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Jeanie said after several minutes of sipping at her drink.

“You always acted like you knew
exactly
what you were doing, but can I share something with you?” Tia set her own cup aside, eyeing her like she knew something important that Jeanie was oblivious to.

Jeanie nodded. “Please.”

“You didn’t know back then either. Wanna know why that was the case?”

Oddly, Tia’s words sounded arrogant, but there was a look of regret over having to be the bearer of this news.

“Yeah, I do, actually. Please tell me. I need to hear this from someone other than him.” Jeanie gripped the edge of the sofa where she was sitting with one hand and tightened her hold on her cup with the other. It rattled her a little to have Mark, and now Tia, telling her who she was. The most difficult aspect was she knew both of them were right.

“You’ve always been good at being the doting wife, the quiet one in the background—keeping it all together. But no matter how good your little act was, it was there in your eyes the first time I met you. There was no peace. You knew this wasn’t supposed to be your life. You have this fire in you, and your well-meaning husband was systematically extinguishing it. After a while, you probably didn’t feel it anymore, but I saw it from the first, and so did Mark. He hated seeing that fire in you being suffocated. He tried to find ways to bring it back through simple means, and let me tell you this—it always worked. You’d leave a little more edgy, jumpy even, but you were more alive after being near Mark, including the times when contact was short-lived and extremely limited. There’s this connection between the two of you that I envy. I’ll probably never have something like that.”