Kiss of Fire (St. James Family) (28 page)

Chapter 17

“
So what exactly are we doing?” Nat asked, her hand deep in a bag of hot barbeque potato chips. “Besides eating shit and getting fat?”

“
I don't know,” Toni said, drumming her fingers on the steering wheel. She gunned it over the Queensboro bridge, in her rarely used BMW. She had no idea what she was doing, just that she was probably going crazy. She'd been packing her suitcase in her new bedroom, throwing clothes in and not really paying attention, when suddenly she had the urge to see him. She'd seen his suit jacket, still draped over the chair where she'd left it weeks ago and a wave of longing surged over her. It felt strange, not having any contact with him. It had been a month and two weeks and one day since she'd last seen or talked to him. It didn't feel natural.

She was flying out to Louisiana the next morning, and she knew she should be trying to sleep, instead of driving to Queens in the middle of the night. But here she was, with her life-long partner in crime beside her. She'd bribed Nat out of the house with her favorite brand of potato chips, which she hadn't had in years. Pregnant and full of cravings, she'd been unable to resist. Next, Toni bribed Christophe to let Nat go with a joint, which he'd gladly accepted. They'd taken off for Queens like a black Thelma and Louise, out looking for trouble. Toni knew she was being silly, but she couldn't stop herself. She craved him, even if it hurt.

But it wasn't just about him. She knew there was a possibility that she would see HER. The woman that was Irish-housewife-child-making-perfection. The woman that O'Donovan had thrown her away for. She really was no better than Gwen, she realized, scoping out the new woman and trying to figure out why she'd been left in the dust. Not that she completely bought Gwen's story about O'Donovan being a cheater. He was a lot of things, but he'd been committed to his marriage. She knew that much. O'Donovan took marriage very seriously.

“
I haven't been to Queens in years. Except to go to the airport,” Nat said, gazing out of the window at the East River, dark and murky beside the blinding lights of the Manhattan skyline. Toni ignored the cabs speeding past her and swerving around her, focused solely on what she was going to do if she actually saw him. What would she do? Would she burst into tears? How was she going to stop herself from rushing to him and begging him to take her back?

That was what Nat was for. Nat wouldn't let her act a fool. Nat would force her to be strong. Nat would talk some sense into her before things got out of hand. She glanced at her sister out of the corner of her eye.

“You think I should turn right around and go back?” Toni asked. Nat rustled the bag, digging for another chip.

“
You do what you have to do,” she said.

“
I'm moving on,” Toni said, like saying it would make it true.

“
So are we going to roll up on him, or something? If so, let me take off my rings and earrings.”

“
We are not going to 'roll up on' anybody!” Toni exclaimed, laughing in spite of herself.

“
Just making sure,” Nat said with a laugh. “That takes me back to 1995 New Orleans.”

“
You never rolled up on anybody!” Toni was laughing hard now, imagining her prim and proper sister giving someone a beat down.

“
Yeah okay. I never rolled up on anybody,” Nat said, rolling her eyes and crunching down on a chip.

“
Who? Who did you roll up on?”

“
Nobody.”

“
You are silly,” Toni said, laughing. “You almost made me miss my turn.” She swerved, taking a fast exit on to Queens Boulevard.

“
Please don't get us lost in the middle of Queens,” Nat said, looking out the window again at the unfamiliar surroundings.

“
I know where I'm going,” Toni said. “I think.” After a few wrong turns and a few pointed looks from Nat, she finally pulled up across the street from Murphy's and put the car in park.

“
Are we here? Wherever we're going?” Nat said, rolling down the window and looking around as Toni turned off the headlights.

Toni nodded, her eyes trained on the door of Murphy's, lit up by a single spotlight. She bit her lip, willing him to appear in front of her like magic. She could call him like a normal person, she supposed. But instead, she sat in the dark car like a creepy stalker, waiting to catch a glimpse of him as he walked down the street.

“What is wrong with me?” she moaned, dropping her forehead to the steering wheel.

“
Nothing,” Nat said. “It's completely normal.” Toni nodded, not lifting her head.

“
I have a dream, you know? He's not perfect and I know that, but I can't let him go. I can't help it. I want him and I know that we could make it work, if we both are in it together. Not that being with him was hard work, it wasn't. It was so natural. Like breathing. I have this fantasy where we come together and be together because there's nothing else to do. And nothing will get between us, because we won't let it.” Toni raised her head and looked at Murphy's again. “Does that make sense?”

“
Mmm-hmm,” Nat murmured.

“
But I'm naïve, I guess,” Toni said. “He's out living his life like nothing ever happened. He doesn't think about me a million times a day. He probably doesn't think about me at all.” Toni felt the now-familiar anger rising up. She was angry with him, but also herself for not being able to move on. He'd broken up with her, which he had every right to do...but she was still livid about it. She supposed the anger was better than the crushing sadness. She appeared to be moving through the stages of grief like clockwork. Eventually, acceptance would come but she wondered how much longer would she have to wait.

As it turned out, not long. No more than an hour had passed before O'Donovan appeared, pushing his way out of Murphy's, and standing in the light, his big shoulders silhouetted against the dark. Her lungs began to burn and her heart pounded, and she realized that she was holding her breath. She was alone in the car, Nat having gone in search of a diet soda to wash down her potato chips. Toni sat up straight, her eyes on him as he ran his hands through his hair and scrolled through his phone.

She had her hand on the door handle before she could stop herself. She opened the door and slid out. She froze, watching him, her whole body clenching tight. The world faded away and all she saw was him. She wanted him so bad, she was close to running across the street and throwing herself into his arms... a truck rumbled past to the left of her and she jumped, not realizing how close it was. She forced herself to take a deep breath. The sounds of the city returned. A horn honked in the distance, a siren wailed, a dog barked.

Then he looked up and she was sure he saw her. Well, she couldn't be absolutely sure, as his eyes were in shadow, but the hairs on the back of her neck stood up and her nipples hardened. That's how far gone she was, she realized. Just the thought of his eyes on her got her excited. She wet her dry lips with her tongue, and the moment seemed to last forever. But then a red-haired woman appeared out of the darkness. She slid her arms around O'Donovan's waist, kissing him on the neck. Toni's mind blacked out for a second and her world stopped turning.

After what seemed like hours but was really only seconds, Toni heard a slow hiss escape from her throat. Her first thought was that the woman had better get her hands of her man, but then Toni remembered that O'Donovan wasn't hers anymore. He'd left her for another woman. For
this
woman. She was older than Toni, and wore jeans and a blue tank top. She wasn't anything special—not ugly, not stunningly beautiful. She wasn't the devil, either, as much as Toni would have wished she was. No matter how much Toni wanted to hate her, she was just a woman. Toni stood there, stock still, watching O'Donovan take the red-haired woman's hand and lead her into the bar. The door swung closed behind them, and it took all of Toni's strength to get back in the car. She turned the key and the engine came to life, purring and ready to go. When Nat slammed her door shut a moment later, Toni blinked at the jarring sound, feeling like she was coming back to life as well.

“
I got you a diet. I know you don't usually drink soda, but I figured you'd need the caffeine for our little stakeout,” Nat said.

“
We're going home,” Toni said, and it felt like a cold wind rattled through her, despite the warmth of the night.

“
What happened?” Nat said, looking around like she missed something.

“
Nothing. I just realized I was being stupid,” Toni said, glancing in her rearview mirror. “Do you think Christophe smoked that joint yet?” she asked, surprised to find that it was easy to keep her voice light, like nothing was bothering her.

“
I'll ask him,” Nat giggled, digging in her purse for her phone. Toni maneuvered into traffic, heading for Manhattan and not looking back.

***

O'Donovan slammed his apartment door shut behind Brigid, pulling her toward the bedroom. He was drunk, true, but he was also going out of his mind. He thought he saw Toni earlier on the street, but he couldn't have. There was no way he could have. Well, unless she'd come to see him. But she wouldn't do that... would she?

Fuck.

He pushed Brigid down on his 1,000 thread-count sheets, the only thing he'd walked away with from his defunct marriage, and tugged her shirt over her head. His shirt was next, and then he lowered his mouth to hers, pushing her onto her back. He kissed her hard, mashing his lips against hers and pinning her arms above her head. She rolled her body against his, and he closed his eyes and thought of Toni. He knew it was shitty, but he couldn't help it. He thought of the girl whose heart he'd broken, how she was always ready for him. His cock was hard as steel, thinking about her lithe body writhing beneath him, inviting him inside. Begging him to ride her hard and make her scream.

“
O'Donovan, wait,” Brigid murmured against his lips, but he didn't stop, dragging his lips down her neck and grazing her collarbone with his teeth. When he bit down, he heard her gasp. “Ouch! O'Donovan, wait!” Her sharp voice cut through the haze of passion that was clouding his mind, and he glanced up, into Brigid's blue eyes.

“
What?” he asked, pissed.

“
Where are you? You're not here with me right now,” she said, putting her hands on either side of his face.

“
Do you want to fuck or not?” he asked, dropping his hands to her waistband.

“
Sure, but give me a minute,” she said, trying to get him to look at her but he resisted, unbuttoning her jeans and shoving them down her hips.

“
I don't want to wait,” he growled, cupping her tit and squeezing. She let out a hiss of breath, closing her fingers around his wrist and moving his hand down her torso. They fought for a minute, her pushing him away as he grabbed at her, and finally he rolled off of her onto his back, chest heaving.

“
You're drunk,” she said, her voice small.

“
If you don't want to, just fucking say so.”

“
Okay. I don't want to,” she said, rolling her face to look at him. Not meeting her eyes, he stood abruptly, his head swimming, digging in his pocket for his phone.

“
Fine,” he said. “I'm going to go watch TV.” She sat up, re-buckling her jeans.

“
You sure that's all you're going to watch?” she asked, and he finally looked at her.

“
What the fuck does that mean?”

“
Nothing,” she said, running her hand through her hair. He turned his back on her and left the bedroom, pissed as fuck and just as unsatisfied. He dropped onto his back on the couch, looking through his phone for the only thing that could keep him sane. The video of Toni. God, he fucking wanted to see her. So bad. But it wasn't there. He searched again, feeling panic rising in his chest. He noticed Brigid, leaning against the doorway, watching him.

“
Looking for something?” she asked.

“
No,” he said.

“
You sure?” she asked, looking at him, a muscle twitching in her neck. He rolled off the couch and stepped close to her, getting in her face.

“
What do you know about it?”

“
You think I'm stupid? You come out here and watch her when you think I'm asleep. Don't you think there's something wrong with that?”

“
Did you touch my phone?”

“
Yes,” she said, her chest heaving. “I deleted it.”

“
You deleted what?” O'Donovan kept his voice measured, low, although he felt like he was about to explode at any moment.

“
Who is she?” she asked.

“
None of your fucking business. What did you delete?” he asked again.

“
Who is she?!” she screamed. “Tell me!”