Kiss of Fire (St. James Family) (26 page)

“I can't.” She threw an arm over her eyes as tears ran down her cheeks, dripping into her hair. “You're going to get a ticket. You're double parked.”

“
Christ.” He rubbed at his red eyes, his head down. “Fuck it.” Toni took a deep breath, willing her brain to shut up and let her drift into blissful unconsciousness. But sleep wouldn't come, only more tears.

“
Lay with me.” She was perilously close to begging, but at that point her pride was almost non-existent. She would beg if it meant he stayed with her. “You're tired.”

“
It's not a good idea.” But he was already standing. She moved so that he could stretch out beside her on the couch. After a bit of maneuvering, they settled and Toni rested her head on his chest, listening to the beating of his heart. She could almost forget the pain of the break-up, almost pretend that it wasn't happening. His warm arms held her, and she snaked her knee high on his hip. Her tears dried up as their breathing settled into a rhythm. She slid her hands under his shirt, wanting to feel his skin against hers.

O'Donovan's breath caught, and she felt his cock harden through his jeans. A flash of hope shot through her. He still wanted her. “Don't,” he hissed. Ignoring him, she tilted her head back and ran her tongue across his stubbled chin. She yanked his shirt up to his ribs, running her hands over all of his hot skin. She trailed kisses down his chest and traced the cross tattoo on his sternum with her tongue.

“I want you,” she murmured, her lips against his skin. “I'll never stop wanting you.” He growled, the sound reverberating low in his chest. She jackknifed up and pulled her shirt over her head. He had her pinned down under his big body in a flash.

“
Dammit, Toni.” His voice was strained, his hardness pressing against her thigh. She yanked at his shirt, and he raised his arms and tossed it off. Then he kissed her, hard, his hand closing over her breast. He caressed her, thumbing at her nipple as he plundered her mouth with his tongue. She heard herself whimpering, not able to control herself. She needed him. She wanted him to need her in return.

“
This is a mistake,” he mumbled against her lips. She opened her eyes, finding his green ones staring down at her, intense and conflicted. She took his face in her hands, wanting to convince him. Wanting so much.

“
No,” she said. “Being with my man is never a mistake.”

***

Her man. She'd called him her man. Christ, he was such an asshole. He shouldn't be holding her like this. He shouldn't. Because his mind was made up. Brigid was the one he was going to be with. But dammit, he still wanted Toni. He didn't know if he was ever going to stop wanting Toni. For a while longer, she could be his girl and he could be her man. So he yanked her leggings off in a quick motion and positioned himself between her slender thighs. She helped him shove his jeans low down his hips and he leaned into her, wanting to thrust into her tight wetness one more time. Just one more time.

Her starry-eyes had him by the balls, like always. She was pleading with him, her lips not even moving. Those eyes were pleading, begging.
Don't leave me
, they said. They were killing him. Every tear that she shed on account of him was like a punch to the gut. And now he was going to make love to her for the last time, breaking both their hearts in the process. It wasn't right. He needed to stop thinking with his dick, he reminded himself. She furrowed her brow, noticing the change on his face.

So she didn't give him a choice. Bucking against him, she took him deep. She hooked her ankles against his ass, locking him in place.

“I'm on the pill,” she said. “Just...” she trailed off, rolling her hips against his. “Make love to me,” she whispered. He gritted his teeth, the pleasure undeniable. Sex with Toni was his favorite thing on God's green earth. Better than a pint after a long day. Better than fighting a five-alarm until every last ember was extinguished. Better than being on the ocean, the horizon stretching out for miles in front of him. But was it worth the pain she could cause him? At that moment, hell yes. He pumped into her, hard and fast then slow and soft, not wanting it to end too soon. Nothing was between them now, and the feeling was so intense, he almost couldn't take it. She wrapped her arms around his torso, her hot tongue working against his chest, sucking on his nipples. When she dragged her nails down his back, he almost came out of his skin.

Pushing her down against the leather of the couch, he ground against her, searching for her spot. She arched her back when he found it, her lips parting in a throaty moan. “Baby,” she hissed, her eyelids fluttering. He tangled his hands in her hair, pulling her head to the side, giving him better access to her throat. He sucked on her sensitive flesh as she dug her nails into his ass, not letting him withdraw from her. “We fit each other,” she murmured. “Can't you feel it?”

“I'm sorry,” he heard himself saying. “I'm sorry.”

“
I know you love me,” she whispered, her eyes pleading again. He knew in that moment, fuck yes, he loved her. He loved her with everything that was in him. But it didn't matter. He knew how fast love could turn ugly and dirty and destructive. He didn't want to see Toni's face twisted with hate for him. He didn't want her eyes to go cold and distant when she looked at him. Like Gwen. Gwen had ruined him. She was still ruining things.

Toni cried out, and he realized that he was thrusting into her deep and rough, his fingers tight in her hair. She was clinging to him, her lithe body clenched around him. He caught her eye and she shook her head no.
Don't stop
. So he kept going until he couldn't take it anymore and he exploded inside of her, no condom between them. The thought of filling her with his come sent a shiver of satisfaction down his spine. He kept thrusting inside her as he softened, wanting her release. Praying for it. When it came, she spasmed around him hard, and he felt his come leaking out of her, smearing between them. He wanted to stay here forever like this, he realized, the mess of their passion binding them together.

She shuddered beneath him, her legs loosening as she came down from her orgasm. He kissed her, his lips soft against hers, loving her. Wanting to comfort her. Wishing that things were different. She smoothed her hands over his back, her touch sending sparks shooting off under his skin. His cock jerked between them, already coming back to life. She tasted so good; she felt so good. He was so full of love for her, he couldn't help it. He loved Antoinette St. James, but he was going to leave her.

“You love me. But it's not enough,” she said, reading his mind. A single tear escaped down her cheek. He could hear the anger again in her words, the despair.

“
No,” he replied. “It's not.”

Chapter 16

One Month Later

“
I love you dear, but if you don't stop playing that song, I can't be responsible for what I will do,” Nat said, as Nina Simone's
Plain Gold Ring
restarted for the millionth time. Toni rolled over on the couch, covering her eyes with her arm to block out the sun.

“
I'll get my headphones,” Toni murmured, but made no move to get up. She could feel her sister's eyes on her and she knew she was a pathetic sight. On a beautiful summer day, she wasn't out enjoying life. She wasn't out having fun with her friends, or jogging in the park, or going to see a show. She was on her couch in her big empty new apartment, half-dozing, half-daydreaming about the day on the boat with O'Donovan, randomly enough.

She heard Nat step down into the living room and she cracked her eyes to watch her. Nat maneuvered around the unpacked boxes of books and clothes, in a sundress that showed off her growing baby bump, and she shoved the window wide open.  The light breeze ruffled the curtains, the fresh air flowing in. Then she moved on to the next one and did the same.

“There. That's better. The air was so stale in here.” Nat turned to face her again as Nina Simone's deep silky voice washed over them, the city rumbling distantly in the background. “I know you're going through it right now, but I still want to talk.”

“
I don't want to talk about it,” Toni said, rolling onto her stomach and pressing her cheek against the cushion.

“
Marietta told me that you're going home in a couple of weeks,” Nat said. “I didn't know you were seriously considering this.”

“
I told you that I was going to start looking at other ballet companies. Did you think I was kidding?”

“
Yes, frankly. I did think you were kidding.” Nat dropped her hands to her expanding hips. “Why would you want to leave New York?”

“
I'm not progressing here. At this rate, I'll never be more than a soloist. There's too much competition.” Toni rolled over to point at the coffee table, which was cluttered with papers and brochures. “I have my list of companies I'm considering, somewhere in all that crap.”

Nat perched on the arm of the couch, and rifled through the clutter, looking for the list. Toni returned to her spot as Nat found the list, jotted on the back of a paycheck stub. “Pacific Northwest, San Francisco, Montreal, Boston, Houston, New Orleans,” Nat read off, her voice giving away her disapproval.

“Pacific Northwest is a really good company,” Toni said.

“
Hmmm,” Nat murmured.

“
I'm going to try and get out there in a month or so,” Toni said. “After the show wraps up.”

“
I know we surprised you with this place, and you're not obligated to keep it as anything more than a
pied-a-tierre
, but you have a great thing going here. All of your friends are here. And you have family here.”

“
I know,” Toni mumbled.

“
I just hope you're really thinking it through.”

“
I am.” Toni heard Nat lean closer, and she felt her sister's fingers run through her hair. She closed her eyes, enjoying the small comforting movement.

“
New Orleans, though? You'd really go back there?” Nat said, softly.

“
I promised Marietta I would check it out. I'm more interested in Pacific Northwest, though.”

“
Well, a trip home will be good.”

“
Mmm-hmm,” Toni murmured. She was looking forward to the trip back to Louisiana. She needed a change of scenery. Everywhere she went in the city, she was looking for an old red truck, and it was getting a little ridiculous. She felt like she was going to go out of her mind soon, honestly.

“
So you haven't heard from him?” Nat said, her voice low.

“
No,” Toni said.

“
It'll get better,” Nat said. “It might not feel like it, but it will.”

“
I know,” Toni lied, eyes still closed.

***

O'Donovan felt Brigid's eyes on him and he glanced at her. She smiled and looked away, the Long Island Expressway whizzing by the window outside.

“
What?” he asked.

“
Nothing,” she said, laughter in her voice. He turned his eyes back to the road and sighed. “Okay. What was that?” she asked, leaning close.

“
What was what?”

“
That deep, heavy sigh. Are you not looking forward to seeing your brother?” O'Donovan shrugged and shook his head, because that wasn't it. “Are you worried about me meeting him? Because I don't have to. You can drop me and my boring potato salad by the side of the road and I wouldn't mind,” she said. “As long as you give me train fare.” She laughed and he smiled, despite his shitty mood.

“
It's cool,” he said. He didn't know why he was so pissed off, but he knew it didn't really have anything to do with Brigid. She would fit right in at his brother's cookout. She even brought a Tupperware container of potato salad and a cheap bottle of wine, which his sister-in-law would love. It wasn't her fault he was he was pissed, and he needed to learn to be better about hiding his mood.

It all came down to Toni, really. He knew his decision to end it was right, but that didn't stop him from being angry about it. Angry at himself, for ignoring the red flags and going after her anyway. Angry at Christophe Van der Kind, just because. And angry at Brigid, even, for not being Toni, which made no fucking sense at all. He took the exit toward Freeport, rolling his shoulders. A shot of pain went through his back and he motioned to the glove compartment.

“Can you get me a couple aspirin? There's a bottle in there.”

“
Yeah sure.” Brigid swung open the compartment and started rooting around. Then she giggled. “Condoms and aspirin. Can't go wrong with that combination,” she said, holding up a gold foil packet, one eyebrow raised. Another sharp pain shot through him, this time in his chest as the memory came flooding back to him. Toni's legs straddling his hips, her tits in his mouth, her soft moans in his ears...

“
Fuck.” He shook his head, trying to clear it. “Sorry about that.”

“
No apologies needed.” Brigid tossed the packet back into the glove compartment and rooted around for the bottle of aspirin. She poured out a few on her palm and handed them to him. He tossed them back without water, a low pounding already beginning at the base of his skull.