Kismetology (30 page)

"Well," I say, a little too brightly. "I’ll
leave you to go and get settled in. I do have to go and re-fill four holes in
my living room wall, after all."

"Sorry about that," Mum says. "And thank you
for having me for so long. Tell Dan I said thank you to him as well."

"I will," I say, feeling a little guilty because
she obviously doesn’t want to be left here. "And you know where we are if
you need us. Any time at all. Just come on down, or give us a call. And pop in
to use the kitchen any time you want. All your food and stuff is still in the
cupboard there."

"Thanks," she says quietly.

"See you later." I leave, feeling guilty.

CHAPTER 47

"You see," I say to Dan
when he flops into bed that night after work. "I told you she’d go home
today."

"Yeah." He nods. "I have to hand it to you,
Mac. I really didn’t think you’d pull that one off. I thought she’d be here
until the builders were through."

"Yes," I say. "What was that part about me
being right and you being wrong?"

"Fine. You win." He grins. "You were right
and I was wrong. I’m sorry. Did you get that? Do you want me to say it again so
you can record it?"

I laugh. "I love you," I tell him, hitting his
shoulder gently.

"I love you too, baby." He jumps on me and starts
nuzzling my neck.

"Leave it out, Dan," I say. "Let’s just lie
here and enjoy the peace and quiet. Listen to that. There’s no dog whining and
no cat pulling up our stair carpet. Pretty good, huh?"

"Yeah," he says. "And now your mum has gone
and you still won’t have sex with me."

"I’m just not in the mood, Dan," I say. "I’m
knackered. I didn’t finish mixing the Pollyfilla until ten o’clock tonight. And
that was after dealing with my mother all day."

"Whatever," Dan says.

"I’m serious. I’m exhausted, and I have to get up early
tomorrow. If I take one more day off work, Jenni is going to fire me."

"I thought you wanted to be a matchmaker."

"I do. But it doesn’t just happen by snapping your
fingers. You have to build up a client list and generate good word of mouth and
all that bollocks. And so far my client list consists of two non-paying test
subjects and an old guy who bought me a cup of coffee."

"Go to sleep, Mac," Dan says.

Bang, bang, bang, bang
.

I sit bolt upright in bed and listen, unsure this time of
whether I’m dreaming or not. I check my watch and see that it’s twenty past one
in the morning.

Bang, bang, bang, bang
.

Oh bugger, it’s a burglar. This time it is definitely a
burglar.

I hit Dan really hard to wake him up.

"What?" He groans. "Why’d you do that?"

"Someone’s knocking. It’s a burglar."

"Oh, for fuck’s sake, I’m not going through this
again." Dan sits up in bed and throws the covers off with such force that
they hit the floor.

He stomps out of bed, grabs the baseball bat and turns to
me. "You coming?"

I scramble out of bed and follow him.

"At least you can’t accuse me of being a bad boyfriend
this time."

"It’s got to be a burglar. Mum wouldn’t come here at
this time in the morning."

"No, she prefers to come at three in the morning, not
one."

"So it must be a burglar."

"Oh, for god’s sake. It’s not a burglar, Mac. It’s your
fucking mother. And I know which one I’d rather see."

"The burglar, right?" I ask, smiling despite the
fact we might be about to be threatened with a gun and robbed.

Dan is much braver than me, and after telling me to stand
back, he throws the door wide open, baseball bat poised above his head.

"Aaaah!" My mum screams from the doorstep.

"Oh, for fuck’s sake." Dan throws the bat down on
the floor. "I’m going back to bed," he says, stamping up the stairs.

"What was that all about?"

"We thought you were a burglar."

I notice that she is dragging a suitcase and has the two
animals with her in a carrier in her other arm.

"What are you doing here? Oh my god, is there another
fire?" I ask, looking out the door.

"No," she says. "Can I come in? It’s freezing
out here."

"Sure," I step back to let her in. "Do you
need to use the kitchen or something? Because you could’ve just used your
key."

"No," she says. "But I can’t stay there. I
keep hearing noises from the kitchen."

"Noises?" I ask. "What kind of noises? Do you
think there’s someone in there? Do you think that
you
have a
burglar?"

"No, no. Nothing like that, I just don’t like my
kitchen all burnt like that. I don’t like sleeping in the house with it like
that, it’s creepy."

"It’s just a kitchen."

"But it scares me. Can I stay here tonight?"

I eye the suitcase pointedly. "Tonight?"

"Well, until it’s fixed. It’s only next week that the
builders are coming. They’re measuring up on Monday. And they’ll probably be
done within the week."

"So, what you’re asking is if you can stay here for two
weeks at the least. And that’s if we’re lucky and they’re good builders who
pull their fingers out and get on with it."

She shrugs. "I suppose so."

"You know what," I say. "I better check with
Dan."

I run upstairs and shake him awake.

"Mum wants to stay until the builders are through,
Dan," I whisper. "I’m sorry, but I think we should let her. She
really doesn’t want to be alone in her own house."

"She didn’t mind being alone in it when she was
collecting curtains and shit to destroy our living room with."

"I know, but it’s not the same as sleeping there
overnight."

"I thought you wanted to get rid of her as much as I
did."

"I do, but she’s really unhappy being there on her own
and I feel bad. I can’t just make her go back."

"Fine," Dan says. "Like you give a fuck what
I want anyway."

"Dan…" I start, but he’s already rolled over in a
way that says:
this topic is closed
.

"Okay," I say to Mum, coming back downstairs with
an armful of spare bedding. "But you have to behave. No going through
Dan’s bag, no dogs or cats on the window ledge or anywhere else they shouldn’t
be, and certainly no redecorating."

She nods. "Thanks, Mac."

"I mean it. Not even a candle that isn’t approved by us
first."

"I've got it," she says. "I’ll leave
everything exactly as it is. I promise."

"You had better," I say. "I haven’t even had
a chance to repaint the holes in the wall yet."

"I could do that for you."

"No!" I say, horrified. "No, please. Leave it
to me. Don’t touch anything."

"All right," she holds her hands up. "I’ll
leave everything alone."

Thankfully the builders estimation was right, and they are
finished by the following Monday. Mum is going home after thirteen days of
living with us.

Things have been kind of strained between Dan and me with my
mum living here. She’s pretty much taken over the living room with her dog, her
cat and her daily yoga meditations. In fact, I’m not sure Dan has forgiven me
for letting her stay. I’m pretty much walking on permanent eggshells around him
every day.

Mum's had a great week of choosing carpeting and paint
colours, and bossing the builders around, and delivering them mugs of tea in my
best china. They’re builders, for god’s sake, give them the old cracked
Winnie
the Pooh
mugs.

I think she’s quite glad to be going home. Our pull-out sofa
probably gets a little uncomfortable after the first week, and she’s sick of me
yelling at the cat every time it gets up on the window ledge.

But she did keep her promise and has refrained from
repainting our house for the moment. Which is good, because Dan would probably
have killed me otherwise.

CHAPTER 48

With all the drama of Mum staying
with us, I’ve completely forgotten my plan. And now that Mum’s gone home—to her
new kitchen which no longer makes unidentifiable noises in the middle of the
night—it’s time to get the drawing board back out again and implement
Plan:
Drive Eleanor Back to Ron
.

I go back through my date diary from the past few months,
pick the absolute worst males I can remember, and start phoning around to see
if they happen to be free this week. Within a couple of hours, my mum’s
schedule for the following week looks like this:

Sunday – Noel: The God Botherer.

Monday – The Stud.

Tuesday – Jack: Likes to watch women urinate.

Wednesday – Evan: Would like a blowjob in the alleyway,
but will graciously accept a threesome in the bathroom.

Thursday – No one: Mum’s going to get stood up.

Friday – Norman: Is already dead.

I hope that this little selection will be enough to convince
Mum that Ron was perfect, and whether he is "
not what she wants
"
or not, he’s the best she’s going to get.

I go over to her house to break the news.

"I know you said to give up," I tell her.
"But now things are getting back to normal, I’ve been out finding men for
you again, and I’ve fixed up dates for every night this week. That’s okay,
isn’t it?"

She nods as she lets me in. "I guess so. I didn’t
really expect you to find any more."

"Well, this lot are the cream of the crop," I say.
"I had to go through a lot to find these single men for you."

I hand Mum her schedule, which looks
nothing
like the
one I wrote in my diary.

Sunday 9PM
(after church) —
Noel: Likes babies and
donkeys
. (The only religious thing I could think of was the nativity scene,
and there was a baby and a donkey in that.)

Monday 8PM—Stu
. (I didn’t get an actual name for him.
She’s going to suspect something if I just write The Stud.)

Tuesday 6PM—Jack: Has a wide range of interests.
(Which mainly involve urine.)

Wednesday 8PM —Evan: very friendly sixty year old
.
(Well, he was very friendly. Too friendly.)

Thursday 7PM —Warren: Cute, animal lover
. (Who
doesn’t exist, because I think it’s about time you learned how it feels to be
stood up. Because Ron would never do that.)

Friday 6.30PM —Norman: Enjoys sailing
. (May bring
coffin along on date.)

"They sound quite good," Mum says eventually,
after reading over it. Minus my comments, of course.

"I really think you’ll enjoy dating these guys," I
say. "They’re very… interesting." And it may give you a taste of even
a fraction of how hard it is to find a decent man out there.

"I can’t believe you haven’t given up on me yet,"
she says. "I’ve turned down so many of these men that you keep finding,
you must be fed up with me by now."

Hello, perception? Where did that come from?

"Not at all," I lie. "Not at all."

"Thanks, Mac," she smiles. "I didn’t think I
was going to get any more dates after Ron."

"Well, he was one of my best," I say. "You
should remember that. I don’t know how easy it will be to click with someone
else the way you clicked with him."

"Oh, I’m sure I will. And for real this time."

"I’m sure." I nod emphatically.

"Like the first guy on Sunday. Likes babies and donkeys,
huh? What an interesting combination."

"Oh, it definitely is."

Dan and I are curled up watching TV on Sunday night while I
wait for the phone call from Mum after her date with the God botherer.

I pick up the phone when it rings. Dan is watching with that
you know it’s not going to work
look on his face.

"Mackenzie!" Mum says from the other end of the
line.

Uh oh, she sounds angry.

"I told you no religious freaks!"

"Who’s a religious freak?" I ask in my best
innocent voice.

"Noel, that’s who. Do you know what he did? He started
preaching at me over my mushroom bruschetta. I’m sitting there eating, minding
my own business, and he starts jabbering on about how God is good, and Jesus
will save my soul if I just let him in."

"Noel is a God botherer?" I ask, trying to feign
surprise. "Never."

"He is."

"Oh dear, what a shame. What did you do?"

"I kicked him in the shin and told him that I worship
Satan."

I burst out laughing. Hah! Even better than I’d hoped for.

"Well, I would never have believed it," I say.
"Noel seemed so normal."

"I can’t believe you set me up with a Jesus
freak."

"I didn’t know he was a Jesus freak," I lie.
"Oh well. At least you found out now rather than later."

"Yes," she says. "I suppose you’re
right."

"Well, tomorrow night’s guy will be better. It’s The S…
Stu, right? It’s Stu tomorrow night."

"Yes," she says. "And he had better be an
improvement."

"Oh, he’ll improve something all right,"

"A Jesus freak." Mum is still tutting under her
breath.

"Don’t worry," I say. "They’ll get better."

They’ll get something all right. And my money is on a kick
in the shins. Or worse.

The following night the regular post-date phone call is
exactly the same.

"Mackenzie!" Mum says angrily. "You set me up
with a man who doesn’t even have a name. He referred to himself as The Stud all
night, in the third person, no less. And, do you know, I’ve never met someone
so arrogant in my life. Well, apart from Dan, obviously."

"Dan is not arrogant," I say, glad that he is in
work so he can't hear this. "How can you think Dan is arrogant?"

"That’s not the point, Mackenzie. The point is, how can
you set me up with a man if you don’t even know his name?"