Kismetology (28 page)

"I give up, Mac. You’re taking this entirely the wrong
way."

"On that note, what about Evan?"

"Evan? Who the heck is Evan?"

"Evan, you know? The sixty-something bloke who asked
for a blowjob or a threesome in the bathroom stall. And, do you know what, I
came out in the kitchen to tell you what happened, because I thought the only
reason I was there in the first place was so you could make sure no sleazy, old
boys tried anything, and when I told you what had happened, you laughed. Yeah,
that’s right. Fabulous boyfriend that you are. You giggled at me. And then when
Holly came out and said he’d tried it on with her too, you stormed out there
and barely restrained yourself from decking the guy. The least he got was a
banning order. And you did that for Holly, who works in your restaurant, but
not for me, who is your girlfriend. Explain that one to me, Dan, because it’s
really been bugging me."

"At least Holly doesn’t let her insane mother take over
my house."

"Holly’s mother probably hasn’t had her house burn down
around her ears."

"It was just the
kitchen
! For god’s sake, stop
being so melodramatic. It was the kitchen. Not the whole house. Nobody died. So
her kitchen is a little crunchy for a few days, so fucking what? I don’t get
why she has to stay with us."

"Why are we suddenly back to talking about my mother?
This is about how you care more about Holly than you do about me."

Dan throws his arms up in despair, and he really looks like
he’s about to blow. "Holly is staff. It’s firmly against the rules to
proposition staff in my restaurant."

"What about girlfriend rules, huh? Some old sleazebag
can proposition your girlfriend and you think it’s funny, but if he dares touch
one of your waitresses, he gets thrown out on his backside without his feet
touching the floor."

"Exactly, he put his hand on Holly’s leg. He didn’t so
much as touch you."

"Oh, so Holly gets better treatment than me because
some old creep finds her more attractive than me?"

"Did you seriously just ask me that?"

"I don’t know, Dan. I don’t know anything right now.
Just that this is getting really stupid."

"You can say that again."

I stare at him for a moment.

"Have a nice day with your mother, Mackenzie. I’m going
to work."

"It’s only half past three. You don’t have to be there
until six."

"Well, it’s nicer there than it is here. There’s no old
lady camping out on the settee."

"She’s not an old lady, Daniel. She’s not even fifty
yet."

"Whatever."

"Fuck you," I call after him. Just in case it
wasn’t clear.

Twat.

CHAPTER 43

"Daniel just nearly broke the
car window by slamming the door really hard as he got into it," Mum says.
"I was just coming back from my walk when I saw him stomping out the door
half dressed. Is everything okay between you two? Are you arguing again?"

"We are
not
arguing!" I shout.

She takes a step back and looks wounded.

"I’m sorry," I say, quietly. "I’m sorry. I
shouldn’t have snapped at you. It’s Dan I’m mad at."

"Why? What’s he done this time?"

"Been a stubborn, insensitive beast," I reply,
fully aware that I’m probably giving Mum exactly the ammunition she wants by
running Dan down in front of her.

"So what’s different from any other time?"

I’m so mad at him that I don’t even feel like defending him
right now.

"Sorry," Mum says before I get a chance to speak.
"Is it because of me? Because I can go home if you want me to."

"No," I say. "You stay as long as you want.
This is just a problem between Dan and me, not about you at all."

"I mean it, Mac. I’ll leave if you want me to. I might
not like Dan, but I don’t want to cause problems between you two."

"No," I say. "It’s okay. We were just
fighting over the spare room."

"What’s wrong with the spare room?"

"It’s full of Dan’s gym equipment that he never uses,
that’s all. Seriously, Mum, forget it, it’s not about you at all."

I’m such a bad liar. I wonder if my mother knows this.

She shrugs. "So, what do you want to do this
afternoon?"

Collapse? After being woken at three o’clock this morning,
when I eventually got back to bed after installing Mum on the pull-out sofa it
was closer to five o’clock. And Mum obviously got off to sleep because Baby sat
at the bottom of the stairs whinging all night, and the cat took to sharpening
its claws on the stair carpet.

"I don’t know," I tell her instead. "What did
you have in mind?"

"Well, I haven’t seen your little friend Jenni for a
long time. Why don’t you invite her over for a bit of a girly afternoon? I
assume Dan is not coming back until after his shift?"

"No," I say. "He’s not. And my ‘
little
’
friend Jenni is five foot nine and busy on a Saturday. She spends time with her
father. You know, that nice man that you turned down?"

"Oh, Jeff…" Mum smiles at the mention of his name,
and a strange look comes over her face.

"You hated him, remember?"

"Oh yes, yes. That’s right, I did. Dreadful man."

"I don’t know where you got that from. I think Jeff is
lovely."

"Mackenzie, I thought we said that you weren’t going to
berate me anymore for my choice—or non-choice—of men."

"Okay," I say, reluctantly. "I’m sorry, I’ll
never mention the man again."

"Thank you."

"I just don’t get why you two weren’t perfect for each
other."

"Mackenzie…" She says in a warning tone.

"Sorry."

"So, what do you want to do this afternoon?"

"I have no idea."

By day two, my resolve to be nicer and more tolerant of my
mother has weakened somewhat. I mean, when I said, "grab some clothes so
we don’t have to come back until Tuesday," I didn’t bank on the three
suitcases that have taken up permanent residence in my hallway. I also hope
that there is nothing breakable in said suitcases because Dan has kicked them
or fallen over them every time he’s walked past. I think it’s more about him
making a point than them being in the way, but still. They are in the way. A
little. But I have a point to make too, and it is that Dan is wrong to be
acting the way he is acting. So I will not be the one who caves first. I will
not apologise. Despite the fact that I had another sleepless night with the dog
crying and the cat sharpening until sometime after six a.m. Dan didn’t get in
until after four this morning—no, I was absolutely, categorically,
not
waiting up for him—at which point he slept in the spare room. Possibly standing
upright because there is no room to lie down. Unless he slept on the rowing
machine, which must have been almost uncomfortable enough to make me feel sorry
for him. But not quite uncomfortable enough. Let him have more discomfort
before he finally gives in and apologises first. At which point I will
apologise also, because I may have been a tiny, tiny, minute, little bit out of
line. Now he’s gone out again. I suppose he might have gone to work, but unless
he’s swapped shifts with someone, then he’s very early today. Like about ten hours
early. It’s Sunday morning. Dan never works until seven on a Sunday night.

I’m currently holed up in our bedroom. Mum is downstairs in
the living room, where she’s demanded absolute peace and quiet so she can
practice her yoga. Obviously absolute peace and quiet doesn’t stretch to Baby’s
non-stop barking. I kind of wish Dan was here. The bed was cold and empty last
night, and now I can’t even set foot in my own living room until the yoga
meditations are finished for the day. Hmm. Maybe Dan has a point about Mum
staying here. But I will not be the one who backs down, and I certainly will
not be the daughter who throws her own mother out on the street.

CHAPTER 44

"I’m sorry," Dan says
quietly, coming in to our bedroom after work on Sunday night.

"It’s okay," I say. "I’m sorry too."

"I didn’t mean to shout at you, I was just pissed off
at your mum and that damn dog."

"I know. I was just pissed off at you for not getting
up the other night. I know it’s a bad idea for my mum to be here, but I swear it’s
only for a couple of nights. And I know I should have asked you first—"

"No, this
is
your house too, and you have every
right to let your mother sleep on the couch if she needs to. I was too harsh
yesterday, so I’m the one who should be sorry."

"Well, we’re both sorry. Can we just forget it?"

"Sure," he says, grinning. "You know make up
sex is the best kind, right?"

I laugh. "We can’t, Dan. My mother is downstairs, and I
don’t want to feel
that
much like a teenager again."

"Fine," Dan says, huffily. "I should have
known."

"Are we going to argue again?"

"No," he says. "We’re not going to argue.
Apparently we’re not going to
do
anything. I wouldn’t want to upset your
mother."

"Dan, don’t be like that." I put my hand on his
shoulder. "She’ll be gone by Tuesday."

"Yeah," Dan says. "And I’m a sparkly, flying
trout. I’m going to take a shower."

"Will you come home with me today?" Mum asks over
breakfast on Monday morning. "I left some things in the airing cupboard
upstairs that I want to get."

"Okay," I nod. "But we have to make it snappy
because I’ve got to be in work in exactly forty-five minutes. If I’m late again
I’m going to get sacked."

"I thought you were doing the matchmaker thing
now."

"I am," I say. "But I haven’t given up my
proper job because it’s like security for me. Truth is, I have no idea whether
the matchmaker thing will work out. I need to test my services on you and Jeff
first."

"Jeff?" She splutters over a mouthful of toast.

"Yeah, you know, Jenni’s dad? Who you hate?"

"You did not tell me that," she says. "Why
didn’t you tell me you were working for Jeff?"

"I’m not working for Jeff, exactly," I say.
"Actually Jenni and I manipulated him into being my test subject."

"Oh."

"Why do you care, anyway?"

"I don’t," she says. "Dreadful man."

"Well, it’s not going very well so far. I mean, maybe
it would be if I’d even made a start on finding him the perfect woman, but I’ve
just been busy, you know. And I wanted to get you sorted out first."

"Yes," she says. "Yes, quite."

"You were happy with Ron when I asked Jeff to be my
guinea pig. It’s not a very good excuse because if I ever want to do this as a
business, I should get used to working with more than one person at a
time."

"So, will you come home with me?" She asks,
abruptly changing the subject.

"Yes, but we should go now. I don’t have long."

"Where’s Dan this morning?"

"Still in bed."

And judging by the amount of words he said to me after he
got out of the shower last night—zero—that’s where he can stay.

"What do you want here, anyway?" I ask Mum as we
make our way up the stairs.

"Nothing much," she says.

"So why are we here? Couldn’t it have waited until
after work?" I check my watch again for the millionth time. It’s ten
minutes to nine. It takes me at least a quarter of an hour to drive to work,
and I start work at nine sharp. I’m going to be late again.

I wait on the landing while Mum goes in to the airing
cupboard and starts digging around. Another five minutes go by.

"Mum, I have to go!" I yell.

"Okay," she comes out of the room with her arms
full. "I can make my own way back. I just didn’t want to walk past the
kitchen on my own."

I nod sympathetically. "Well, I can’t stay here any
longer. I’m late as it is."

"It’s fine," she says. "I won’t stay long. I
just want to collect some things."

"What have you got there?" I ask, glancing at the
floral monstrosity in her arms.

"Curtains," she says.

I nod. I don't have time to ask what the hell she wants with
curtains.

"I’ve got to get going. See you later, okay?"

"Okay."

"And don’t piss Dan off. He has to be in work by
lunchtime today."

"I know. I checked his schedule."

"Where on earth did you find his schedule?" I ask.

"Oh, he left his bag open on the window ledge. Baby
went in and got it out."

"The dog just picked up Dan’s work diary out of his
open bag?"

"He may have tried to chew a few other things first,
but I don’t think he did much damage. Dan hasn’t said anything yet."

Oh great. Even more for Dan to be mad about. "That’s
because Dan hasn’t been downstairs since last night, has he?"

"Well, he shouldn’t just leave things lying
around."

"I thought you said it was on the window ledge?"

"It was."

"It wasn’t just lying around then, was it? He’d put it
up out of the dog’s way."

"Oh, Baby can get up on the window ledge."

"I’d appreciate it if you didn’t let him. It’s
varnished wood, you know. His claws will scratch it."

"I thought it looked a bit scratched anyway."

"That’s probably because Pussy keeps sharpening her
claws on it."

"Well, she’s a cat."

"So take her scratching post back when you go, will
you? Dan and I are quite fond of our window ledge and would really like it to
stay un-destroyed."

"Fine," she says, sulkily.

"And don’t go reading through other people’s diaries,
it’s not nice."

"It was just there. Baby had it in his mouth."

"Baby shouldn’t be up on window ledges taking things
out of people’s bags, and you shouldn’t have looked in it. You could have just
taken it out of the dog’s mouth without reading it."