Kin (32 page)

“I'm sorry I let you down—let the whole family down. I realize the mistakes I've made and I'll be spending the rest of my life trying to get my daughters to love me again.”

“They still love you; they're just really pissed at you. Like I was the night I took Kay back to Mom's.”

“Were you there?”

Whew.

“Only for a minute. So Mom says you're going to be staying with her.”

“I didn't expect it. I was going to get an apartment in Sydney, but she said she was lonely here and felt safe with me around.”

“That's rubbish. She wants someone to feed. Do you have a job?”

“I've been hired as a legal aid attorney.”

“Going to help the little guy.”

“Going to try.”

They looked at each other and Annie knew what he wanted to ask, but he was unsure if he should bring it up.

“No, I haven't seen Lila. Henry did and she was a bit of a mess, saying she missed everyone. I needed time to forget the look on Colleen's face before I talked to her again. I know you didn't want to hurt your kids, but the fact is you did. And Lila did. But life is short and I will no doubt wander out to Round Island at some point and she and I will go for a walk on the beach and pick up where we left off.”

“I'm glad. Is she alone?”

“She's married to Ewan. What do
you
think?”

“I think he's a better man than I'll ever be.”

“I think you're right. So what are you and Kay going to do?”

“She wants a divorce, so that's that.”

“Have you seen the girls?”

He nodded. “I met them at a coffee shop. Frankie was cool and detached as always. I felt about two feet tall when she looked at me. Colleen tried to be cool like her sister but you know Colleen. She got a lot off her chest. It's a good thing we were in public. I'd hate to think what she would've said to me in private.”

“God love her.” Annie slapped her knees with the palms of her hands. “Okay. So we're good?”

“We're good.”

She looked at her watch. “Geez, I gotta go.” She stood up and ran down the stairs. “We're having a barbeque for the twins tonight. Come over whenever.”

* * *

Lila finally snapped. It's not like she was an axe murderer. She marched out to the barn at dawn one morning while Ewan was feeding the animals, walked right up to him, and pushed him. He didn't move, of course; he was too big. But that didn't stop her from doing it again and again.

“I'm here, Ewan! I'm here! Don't pretend you can't see me. I want you look at me. Look at me, goddamn it!” She punched his arms and kicked him in the shin.

He looked at her.

“I know what I did was wrong. If I could go back and change it I would. But I can't do that, so I'm begging you to forgive me. I can't take this anymore. I'm here but I'm not here. I feel invisible.”

“I know how that feels.”

His voice startled her. She couldn't believe it had worked. She grabbed at his sleeves and tore the feed bucket out of his hand. “Hold me and say you'll forgive me. I need you.” She tried to snuggle against his chest, but he kept his arms at his sides.

“You always need me, Lila.”

“You see? I do! I do!”

“You need me to find dogs and bury dogs and take care of you when I'm grieving for Joe. And worst of all Lila, worst of all, you needed me to find that sweet child and bury her for you. I am haunted every day of my life by the image of Caroline floating in that well. You're not the only one who suffers.”

“Oh no, no, no…”

“What did David ever do for you? Was he here after you had the baby and almost died? Did he stick around to help when Caroline was growing up? Did he shovel your driveway or take you to the hospital or fix your roof or dig your potatoes?”

“You're right. But I'm trying to explain. He was my first love. We were kids and we never had a chance to know what that meant.”

“Well, did it mean anything? Because it's sure taken you long enough to figure it out.”

Lila hesitated and then gave him a look. “Did you know about David and I before Colleen arrived at our door?”

He looked away.

She started to hit him again. “What man lets another man take his wife and does nothing about it?”

“A man who knows that a wild filly comes back to the barn in her own good time.”

“Oh my god! How long did you know?”

“It doesn't matter.”

“Why didn't you
fight
for me, Ewan? Why didn't you tell him you'd kill him if he touched me? You never get angry. I never know where I stand. I know you love me, but you never show it. You handle me with kid gloves.”

Ewan took her by the arms and shook her. “I may not be the most passionate man you'll ever meet, but how dare you say I never show it? What have I been doing my entire life but show you? Every goddamn day. David wasn't here, and yet he's the one you dream of. I hate him for it and I hate you too!”

She was crying so much she could hardly breathe. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was such a stupid thing to do.”

“Yes, it was.”

Ewan walked away from her and picked up the feed bucket once more. Lila hurried over to him and put her arms around his waist, pressing her cheek into his back. “I need to tell you something. Please listen to me. I love David because he gave me Caroline. I truly believe that. But you were Caroline's dad. That was you. David was never with her, but you were. You're the lucky one. We had three wonderful years with her. And if it wasn't for you we may never have found her. You were the one I needed that day. We buried her together. I wanted no one else there. That's love too. And our life here, this beautiful life is nothing but love. I had a girlhood fantasy about a boy I thought I loved once upon a time. But he was a boy. You were always the man in my life. All this time without you has been hell, absolute hell, and I know now more than ever that you are the only man for me. And I will always be very sorry for taking so long to realize it.”

He went very still and then put his big rough hand over hers and pressed it against his heart.

The early sun shone its rays through the open barn door, giving the interior a golden light.

That same sun was high in the sky when they walked back to the house arm in arm, bits of straw still clinging to their hair.

Colleen and Frankie lived with their mother in a luxurious apartment in the South End of Halifax. Their mother and Frankie were thriving. They spent weekends shopping and going for lunch, hosting parties, and hobnobbing with other rich people.

“It's like people with money sniff everyone's ass until they find another rich person they can breed with.”

Colleen and her friend Nancy were lazing on her bed in scruffy jeans and t-shirts, their hair long and parted down the middle. Colleen knew her hairstyle drove her mother nuts. That's why she had it.

Nancy chewed the straw as she sipped her soda from a can. “So when did your sister get engaged?”

“A week ago. They've already picked out their china.”

“Is he nice?”

Colleen loved to make things sound worse than they were, but she actually liked Edward Roth. “He's okay. He's weird looking in a romantic kind of way. Dark and brooding.”

“What does he do?”

“Who knows? Don't most of them just manage their trust funds?”

“You're the only rich person I know, so I couldn't tell you.”

“It's all a facade. I live off my grandfather. I don't have a penny to my name.”

Colleen had disappointed her dad when she opted not to go to university. Everyone knew that Frankie was never going to go, so Colleen was the last hope. Instead she worked downtown at an old bookshop. It was there she met the few friends she had, all of them eccentric, or hippies, as her mother called them. Colleen said she was about a decade too late. Hippies had lived and loved in the sixties. The seventies were sort of boring by comparison, unless you went to rock concerts and got high, but no one really famous ever came to Halifax and she wasn't the sort to fly off to attend a concert in Toronto.

Colleen made a point of leaving little bags of marijuana all over the house, hoping her mother would find them and think she led an interesting life, but Mom never seemed to notice. Or when she did she'd say, “Why does that new cook insist on keeping herbal tea around the house?”

Colleen was never cut out to be a drug addict anyway. The only thing she did when she smoked a joint was sit in a dark corner, alternately giggling and shouting, “Who's there?!”

When Nancy left, Colleen got on the phone and called her Aunt Annie.

“Hey babe…what's goin' on?”

“Frankie's getting married.”

“I know, she told me.”

“Frankie calls you?”

“Don't sound so surprised. You're not the only one who thinks I'm great.”

“How's Lee?”

“Getting big. Sweet as always.”

“Have you seen Dad?”

“He's working very hard. That's all he does really. I keep telling him to have some fun, but he never listens to me.”

There was a knock at her bedroom door. “Who is it?”

“Me.”

“Sorry, Aunt Annie, the amazing Frankie wants to talk to me.”

“Ciao, babe.” Her aunt hung up.

“Come in.”

Frankie looked like a slob, her version of a slob anyway. Her jeans were old and she had on a sweater that was slightly too big. Her crowning glory was up in a ponytail. She sprawled on the end of Colleen's bed.

“Mom's got a date tonight.”

“Oh, goody. My forty-nine-year-old mother is having more sex than I am.”

“I keep telling you I can fix you up, but you're never interested. Are you a lesbian?”

Colleen sat back against her headboard. “Geez, I never thought of that. Maybe I am.”

“If you like both sexes your chances of meeting someone doubles.”

“You're a genius. I'll get right on that.”

Frankie suddenly sat up and looked serious. “I need to talk to you.”

Colleen knew what was coming. “You don't want me to be your maid of honour because I'm too big and I'll ruin your wedding pictures.”

Frankie gave her a horrified look. “Don't be ridiculous. Of course you're my maid of honour.”

Colleen wanted to hug her but Frankie was saying something else.

“What I should do about Dad? Do I let him walk me down the aisle? Do you think that would make Mom mad? I don't want to bring it up with her because I'm afraid of what she might say.”

“Do you want him to walk you down the aisle?”

“Yes.”

“Then it's simple. It's your day and you can do what you want. Mom got to do what she wanted on her wedding day. I'm sure I'll never have a wedding day.”

“You will, don't worry. Thanks for the advice.” She got up to leave.

“Where are you going?”

“My power walk.”

“Can I come? Hey! Get that incredulous look off your face.”

Frankie was getting married next year. Surely to God Colleen would be able to lose ten pounds by then. Wedding pictures lasted forever, and she wanted to look as good as possible.

She'd seen the other bridesmaids.

* * *

Annie drove out to the farm to pick up Lee, who'd spent the weekend with her Aunt Lila and Uncle Ewan. Both of them assured Annie that Lee was no problem, but Annie knew how tiring it was to be on guard every minute of the day. Lee loved the animals and she'd help Ewan feed them, but he had to watch how much she was giving them and make sure she remembered to lock the gates behind her.

Now that Lee was ten, she wanted to do more things on her own, but that wasn't always possible, which was frustrating for her. Sometimes at night when Annie couldn't sleep she'd worry about Lee's future. She'd turn over and snuggle up to Henry's back, and even in his sleep he'd take her hand and hold it.

Then there were the nights she'd lie awake and think how lonely it must be for David, going home to an empty bed every night and living away from his children. At least he spent time with them now. He'd head to Halifax every month or so and take them to dinner or out to a movie. The girls weren't kids anymore and didn't come to Cape Breton as often, what with jobs and relationships. She and Kay stayed in touch. She'd always liked Kay and was glad she was able to stop drinking. Too bad her mother couldn't quit. The last time Annie saw Virginia she had looked like Cruella de Vil. Louis didn't look so hot either. She was grateful that she and Henry had only as much money as they needed. There was a time when she'd hoped to work after Robbie was old enough, but Lee came along and that ended that.

Annie got a kick out of going to the farm now. She had started to think that Lila's affair was the best thing that could have happened to Ewan and Lila. Before the whole mess, Annie sometimes felt that Lila treated Ewan more like the hired man than her husband, but now she saw how happy they were together. Lila would stroke Ewan's cheek when she'd leave the table to bring dessert, or button his sweater to make sure he wouldn't get cold. It had taken them long enough, but she guessed some people were slow learners.

It was a lovely spring day and as soon as she pulled up in the car, Lee and Ewan saw her and waved. Lee wasted no time running over to her, her thick glasses askew. “Mommy, there's babies!”

Lila came out of the house wiping her hands on a tea towel. “Hi, did you get a little sleep?”

“I stayed in bed the entire weekend. It was bliss. Thank you.”

Lee grabbed her hand and made her go over to the first fence. “Two lambs.”

Annie smiled at the sight of the dear little creatures, following close behind their mother. “What are their names?”

“Lester and Bobby.”

Annie made a face at Ewan and Lila. They shrugged.

“Well, Lester and Bobby are very lucky to have you to watch over them.”

Ewan held out his hand. “Come on, Lee. We still have to clean out the horse stall.” Off they went while Annie and Lila headed to their chairs that sank into the ground more and more with every passing year.

“Is it just me, or is it harder to get in and out of these babies?”

“We're old, Annie.”

The two lifelong friends sat back and enjoyed the sunshine. When Annie glanced over at Lila it was as if they were back on those hot lazy afternoons when the only thing they wanted to do was sit and drink lemonade. Aunt Eunie always made the best lemonade.

“You and I should take a trip somewhere,” Annie said.

Lila turned her head to look at her. “Where to?”

“I don't know. Norway? Chile? I should go to Scotland and visit the Isle of North Uist. That's where our people are from.”

“I wish I knew where my people came from.” After a moment she reached out her hand. “Of course you and your family are my people now.”

Annie took her hand and squeezed it. “Well, we had to do something. Can you imagine Bertha Butts being your people?!”

Lila laughed. “I wonder what happened to her.”

“She went to that great settee in the sky.”

“You're terrible.”

“Oh, my god! I can't believe I didn't tell you first thing…John's wife is having a baby! I'm going to be a grandmother.”

“What's wonderful! Are you really old enough to be a grandmother? Where did the years go?”

“I suspect Daniel's wife will be pregnant soon if she isn't already. Those boys always were competitive.”

“Henry must be so excited.”

“Not as excited as his mother!”

“She doesn't still work for him, surely. She must be almost eighty.”

“I've told you this three times now. Her job ended when she called up that nun and told her she was pregnant.”

Lila playfully slapped Annie on the arm. “That's right! Oh my, I'm getting like Aunt Eunie.”

They stayed out and talked long into the afternoon.

* * *

David couldn't keep saying no, so on the Victoria Day weekend, when the boys and their families were home, he went along with Annie and Henry to a family picnic at their friend's cottage in Mira. It belonged to a doctor, a specialist who had a lot more money and toys than Henry did. Apparently there were speedboats and sailboats, canoes and tubes—everything to keep people amused all day.

David tended to steer clear of parties where people gathered with their children and grandchildren. It made him uncomfortable. His loved ones lived away and he was the reason. Not that he thought about it all the time. Lots of people got divorced and had their kids living elsewhere.

If anyone were to ask him, he'd say he was happy. He enjoyed his job and even enjoyed living with his mother. She never hovered. Now that Aunt Muriel's husband was gone, the two of them were quite the pair, visiting family in Hingham, near Boston, and the Miramichi in New Brunswick as well as friends in Montreal.

He even had a love life, but he kept that private because he knew he'd never marry again, so there was no sense in introducing anyone to the family. He never went out with a woman for long. His lady friends would start to hint about settling down and when he didn't budge, they'd give up. Then it was on to the next one.

The picnic turned out to be a nicer time than he'd anticipated. David enjoyed his nephews very much now that they were young men with wives and girlfriends of their own. He never missed having a son; he always felt he had four already. To sit and laugh together while having a beer and a hamburger was a real treat and he was glad he'd made the effort to come.

Lee also sought him out for their usual reading time. She crawled up onto his lap like always, and they sat together reading her favourite Roald Dahl books. She always had them handy in the book bag she carried. Then they'd colour together. It was fun when she was little, but now that she was a hefty weight, it had become a little more uncomfortable.

His niece eventually wandered off to get a drink. He closed his eyes and put his hands behind his head, as he settled into his deck chair. The heat of the spring sun felt good against his skin. The laughter, banging of the cottage door, and sounds of the motorboats slowly drifted into the background. He was back on the beach in Round Island, laying on the hot spot, as the kids called it—the white sand that absorbed all the heat from the sun. Sometimes it was so hot you couldn't walk on it and were forced to run across it on your heels shouting, “Ow, ow, ow.”

He was just drifting off when Annie came up behind him and put her cold hands over his eyes. “Guess who!”

David batted her hands away. “You miserable creep. I was enjoying my nap.”

Annie perched herself on the arm of his chair. “You're fifty, not a hundred. You can nap when you're dead.”

“You'll be dead in a minute if you don't get lost.”

“Come in the canoe with me.”

“No, I'm fine here.”

“It's got a motor on it if we get lazy. Come on, you never do anything with me.”

“Jesus, you sound like you're seven.”

Annie got up. “All right, I'll go by myself.”

He watched her go down to the dock and then onto the sand where the canoe was beached. She tried to push it into the water, but it wouldn't move.

David stood up and shouted, “For God's sake, let me do that.” He got to the water's edge, where she stood there grinning.

“You knew I'd come down here, didn't you?” He pushed the boat into the water.

“I know you better than you know yourself.”

“Where are the life jackets?”

“They're back at the cottage. Let's just jump in and go. We'll be back in five minutes.”

“I don't like going…”

Annie jumped in the canoe. “Where's your sense of adventure?”

The damn canoe floated away faster than either of them anticipated, so David ran up to it and almost tipped it trying to get in so she wouldn't be on her own.

“Yahoo!” She grabbed the oar and started paddling before he was even settled in his seat.

“Damn it, Annie. Just a minute.”

“You're such a grump.”