Killing Me Softly (2 page)

The sound of laughter and squeals drifted toward him on the perfumed breeze of the park, but he heard none of it. Felt none of it.

Inside, a hot, blazing rage had been stoked to life once more as he looked at the paper now crumpled up in his hands.

Seven awards.

She and her bands had won seven awards.

What right did she have to be happy and successful when his brother lay cold and rotting in his grave? A grave she was responsible for putting him in.

Mindful of the families around him, he didn’t scream and tear the paper to shreds. Instead, he dug deep into his faith as his brother had taught him and sought comfort in the fact that his trap was closing.

He was the angel of revenge. And as when God pointed his finger and smote Sodom and Gomorrah for their sins, he would wreak the same destruction on her.

The trees brushed across the windowpane, whipped by the mad wind. The world had turned grey. Misty clouds enveloped the frosted glass.

It was a miserable day. Could Mother Nature be reflecting Lexi’s mood? It seemed as if she was. Although Lexi wished she wasn’t.

Why couldn’t the day have been bright and cheery and full of the beauty of late summer? A bit of sunshine would have made her feel a little less as if she were facing a firing squad.

She glanced down at her watch.

Doctor Carlton was late.

Nothing much changed.

Behind her, through the partially open office door, she could hear the sounds and murmurs of the lost, the lonely and the deranged. Lexi hated those sounds. She feared if she stayed at Deerhorn Asylum too long, she’d become one of them. Just like her sister had.

Although, thinking about Cat, she realised her sister never made any noises. She sat still and silent, wrapped in a blank world of her own making; a silence as unnerving as the noises coming through the door. But for a chance of mistaken identity, Lexi knew that could be her, shut away from the world, enfolded in an emotionless blanket. But it wasn’t. She’d had to face the world alone, ugly memories her constant companions. Sometimes she envied Cat her ability to shut everything out. Other times she resented her twin for leaving her alone.

Lexi sighed and rubbed at tired eyes, gritty with lack of sleep. She knew she should be excited now she was finally fulfilling her promise. If her parents had been alive, they’d have been thrilled. Ten years of hard work had brought her here. But if she was honest, she hadn’t been driven to succeed only by the desire to help Cat. A need to prove herself, a driving passion for music: they had carried her through, too. She’d always wanted to perform, but crippling stage fright had put an end to that dream. So she’d turned to the only other avenue that interested her.

Composing, mixing and producing. They had become more fulfilling than she could ever have imagined.

A loud scream pulled her out of her musings. Shuddering, she turned from the window and walked over to shut the door. The sound was muffled but not completely shut out. She began to sing under her breath. Music in any form always helped.

She just wished she had something else to think about at the moment. Some new project or band to work with. But she didn’t. There was nothing for another couple of months at least. This time had been put aside to get Cat settled.

Now it was here, she wished she were an ostrich and could bury her head in the sand, ignoring every bad thought this day dredged up. Guilt sliced through her. She pushed it away, changing the song she was singing to Muse’s ‘Guiding Light’.

Yeah, that was better. She’d always loved that song. She’d been sifting through the back catalogue of music on her iPod the other day and had rediscovered it. And right now, it was just the right song to express her relationship with her sister – a little depressing, yet with a hint of hope for better times.

Billy would still say it was a morose choice. With his Irish-band obsession, he’d probably choose something more upbeat for this moment, like U2’s ‘Beautiful Day.’

He’d be right of course. It should be a beautiful day, despite the depressing reality of the English weather.

What was wrong with her that she didn’t feel that way?

The door behind her swung open. She jumped, turning from the window, then smiled in relief at the man entering the room.

‘Sorry I startled you, lass,’ he said, his soft Scottish brogue like a warm caress.

‘You didn’t startle me. I was just lost in my thoughts.’

‘I expect you were. Did Vivien offer you some refreshments?’

‘Yes, she did.’ Lexi’s smile widened as he hurried across the room. Doctor Carlton’s short-stepped walk always reminded her of a skittish colt.

‘Excellent.’ He dropped the pile of manila folders he carried on the edge of his already overburdened desk then looked around, patted his pockets, shuffled some papers on his desk and scratched his chin. ‘I seemed to have misplaced my glasses.’ He smiled his absent, slightly twitchy smile and shrugged his shoulders.

Lexi had to hide a grin as he pushed his hands through his thick grey hair and found the glasses perched on top of his head.

‘Ah, there they are.’ He settled them firmly on his nose and sank back into his chair, waving his hand to indicate she should take the one opposite.

She shook her head. ‘I don’t want a seat. I just want to know if she’s ready to go.’

Doctor Carlton looked at her seriously. ‘Yes she is. But before you go running out of this room to get her, Alexia lass, there are a few things I want to talk over with you.’

Lexi cleared her throat. ‘Has she had another setback?’

He stared at her.

As she sank into the chair, she grumbled, ‘How do you manage to make me feel like a ten-year-old?’

‘That’s a trade secret.’ His brows lowered as he studied her face then sat back in his chair. ‘And in answer to your question, no, Catriona hasn’t had any further setbacks. In fact, there have been moments, like you’ve reported, where she seems more aware. It’s one of the reasons I’m allowing you to try this.’ He sat forward, clenching his hands together on his desk top. ‘What I wanted to get at was . . . You do know the huge responsibility looking after Catriona will entail? Even though she doesn’t seem to be quite as cut off from the world as she once was, things will still be very difficult. Your life will never truly be your own.’

‘My life hasn’t been my own for a very long time.’

His brow wrinkled further. ‘No, perhaps not. Still . . . ’ he paused, lifting his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose. ‘You don’t have to take on such a burden. You have your own life to live.’

‘There is no-one else, Doctor Carlton. She can’t stay here forever. I can’t do that to her.’

‘She doesn’t know where she is.’

‘You don’t know that for certain. Especially since she’s shown signs of engaging with things around her.’ Lexi shook her head. ‘You can’t change my mind. I have to do this.’

Sighing, he reached for the folder with the release forms. ‘But you don’t
want
to do this.’

‘I didn’t say that.’ She bristled and took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. She always forgot how perceptive he was. She supposed the trait was necessary to his job. ‘Doctor Carlton, I know you mean well but—’

‘You’re not my patient. And you’re telling me as nicely as you can to keep my rather large nose out of your business. Am I right?’

Her lips twitched. ‘I wouldn’t have said your nose was large.’

He chuckled. ‘Very well.’ He reached for the file in front of him. ‘I hear Billy has left his job to become Catriona’s physical therapist.’

Lexi nodded. ‘I’m so lucky to have him. I know I can’t do this by myself.’ She angled him a look. ‘He knows Cat.’ She shrugged as if that said it all. ‘And added to that, my housekeeper used to be a nurse and has said she’d help, so I don’t have to hire a nurse.’

‘Yes, you’ve told me about her. I’m sure Cat will have the best of care. And what you’ve done with the place is remarkable. I thought you quite mad when you showed me the original photos. It seemed like one of those projects from that
Grand Designs
show my Maureen loves.’ He tapped the file.

Lexi craned her head and saw the photographs of the original building alongside the more recent ones after the renovations. She was filled with a sudden flush of pride.

‘It looks magnificent. This tower on the side fascinates me. And the crenels around the roof. Was it a castle at some stage?’

She nodded, reaching across and pointing to the left-hand side of the photograph. ‘Yes. That’s the original keep. I like to think the rest grew around it.’

He nodded. ‘I would imagine it’s fairly isolated, though.’

She smiled. ‘I love it.’

‘I bet you do, lass. I bet you do.’ He pushed his glasses back into his hair, folded his hands over the photos and met her gaze. ‘You’ve done a wonderful job. Catriona will feel safe. I’m sure with Billy at the helm she’ll receive even better physical therapy than she does here.’ He cleared his throat. ‘But I worry. I do hope the both of you don’t have any false hopes. Catriona’s condition is serious and the longer she stays like this, the less chance there is of her ever recovering fully. This is a huge burden you’re taking on.’

Lexi looked down at her hands, steadying their nervous picking before looking up into his sympathetic eyes. She couldn’t let him see how nervous she felt. She wanted her sister to come and live with her. She did. Naturally she had fears. No, not fears . . . Concerns. Yes, that was a better word. But he couldn’t stop her from taking Cat just because of those concerns. This was the right thing to do. She’d made a promise.

‘You’re wrong. Even if my instincts about what Cat needs aren’t right, this will still be the best thing I’ve ever done.’

‘I hope you are right.’

‘I know I am.’ Was she trying to convince him or herself? ‘The research backs us up and you’ve said it yourself: patients in Cat’s condition benefit from having the people they know and love caring for them. Perhaps having us around all the time is what she needs to help her feel safe enough to venture back to us.’

Doctor Carlton regarded her seriously. ‘Familial contact can have untold benefits and has made a difference in certain cases. However, the beating she took was terrible. And while everything looked fine on the MRI and CAT scan, there is so much about the brain we still don’t understand. I want you to face the fact that it might not be by choice that she is unable to function and communicate with the outside world. There might be some deeper physical problem. We just don’t know.’

Lexi shook her head. ‘I know you don’t buy into the twin connection, Doctor Carlton —’

‘I never said I didn’t believe you, lass. I said nothing had ever been scientifically proven. There is a difference.’

‘Then believe me when I tell you I’d feel it if Cat wasn’t there. I know she’s in there somewhere. She’s been trying to reach out to us. I just have to find a way to make her feel safe enough to keep reaching.’ Lexi was shocked to realise she meant every word. Not about the twin connection. Cat and she had always known what the other felt in a way that was so strong, it was almost as if they could read each other’s minds at times. No, she was shocked that despite all her doubts she really did believe there was a way to help her sister and it was up to her to find it.

‘Nothing would make me happier than for you to be proven right, lass.’

Lexi smiled as a little flutter of excitement began in her chest. ‘When it happens we’ll celebrate together.’

‘I look forward to that day.’ He returned her smile, his brown eyes crinkling behind his thick-rimmed glasses. Then he sighed, flipped the photos in the file to the side and said, ‘Now to the dreary part.’

Lexi swallowed, calmer now the time had finally arrived.

Cat was coming home.

Hours later, with the papers signed and the car packed, Cat sat beside her in the front seat, staring straight ahead, eyes fixed on nothing. Lexi sat for a moment, gripping the wheel, unable to start up the car. Her hands were shaking. Her lungs felt like a balloon that could hold no more air and might pop as she tried to breathe deeply to calm down. A tear tumbled from the corner of her eye.

After a moment, she swiped her cheek.
That will be the last tear
, she swore. Taking a deep breath, she plastered a smile on her face and started the car. ‘Cat, my darling, I’m taking you home.’

Cat remained motionless, face slack, eyes looking lifelessly into the distance. Lexi’s chest constricted. Her sister had been the lively, outgoing twin. The twin everyone warmed to. Their mum used to say Cat would get a lot out of life because she put so much in. Lexi was just glad their mum couldn’t see Cat now. Her heart would break.

The countryside slipped away as they drove up the M1 on the first leg of their journey home. Her spirits lifted despite the sky, grey and heavy, and the drizzling rain that pattered on the windscreen. The future was uncertain, yet it was hers to do with as she wished. She wasn’t bringing the past home. She was finally leaving the nightmare behind. If she was going to do Cat any good, she had to believe that was true.

They drove through countryside, by turns barren and bountiful. The drizzle became heavier. She turned on the wipers, the swishing sound loud in the silence.

‘How about we have some music, hey?’ She leaned forward and turned on the radio. ‘True Believer’, Deliverance’s latest single, blasted out from the perfectly balanced speakers.

Even after all these years, hearing one of her songs on the radio was still a thrill, almost surreal. She could hardly believe she’d done what she set out to do. She noticed Cat’s fingers drumming on her legs. Hope gripped her chest, but she pushed down on her excitement at seeing this little sign of engagement and asked, ‘Do you like this song? This is Deliverance. You know? That band I’ve been working with.’

No visual clue that Cat was listening, but she continued talking anyway. ‘I wish you could meet these guys. You’d really like them. But they’re on tour at the moment promoting the album. We finished this track months ago. The album is up for a lot of awards. I wonder if they won any.’ She shook her head. She should know, but had been a bit preoccupied. ‘The awards were on the night before last, you know.’

She glanced sideways. Still nothing. But Cat’s fingers changed their drumming beat on her leg as another song came on.

Looking back at the road she told herself not to let her twin’s slack stare bother her.
Talk. Keep your voice light, bright.
Cat was responding to the music at least. Perhaps if she kept talking, her sister would respond to her, too.

‘You know, I never imagined when I found Temptation’s Fool six years ago that their little song would lead to this. They were so raw.’ She laughed. ‘Do you remember me telling you about it? The dingy pub with sticky tables and carpet that squelched underfoot and the smell of stale beer and sweat? You would have loved it.’ She laughed again. ‘When they began to play, I forgot where I was. I knew, just knew they were the ones I’d been waiting for.’ She sighed. ‘Everything seemed so simple then,’ she added with a frown. ‘Now I’ve got a name to live up to.’