Keeping Her Secret (13 page)

That hurt. Courtney’d been hanging out with Dee and the others for almost two weeks. She’d thought they’d become friends.

Riya stood up and walked to Courtney, taking her hands in her own.

“I think we should think about it,” Riya said. “It would be nice to have another ally. Another person we don’t have to hide from.”

Guilt sliced through Courtney. She knew Riya wanted to take their relationship public and only hid it for Courtney. She also knew Riya was used to being out, unembarrassed. Courtney even admired her for it.

“I’m not like you,” Courtney said. “I’m not brave.”

Courtney’d been thinking about this for a couple of days. While Riya was never confident about how people saw her, she was completely confident in who she was. Courtney was the opposite, but only because Courtney—with her parents’ help—had handcrafted the image of who she wanted to be seen as. She played the part so perfectly for so long that she couldn’t even recognize herself anymore. Only in the past couple of weeks, when she was alone with Riya or working with Colt on the dance, had she started to discover herself again. Though not many people would understand it, she envied Riya and her quiet confidence.

Riya laughed. “You’re one of the bravest people I know. You’re risking losing the lifestyle you grew up with so that you can follow your passion.”

Panic engulfed her. She never thought of it that way. She secretly harbored the idea that, if she got the scholarship and earned a spot at Juilliard, her parents would see how important it was to her. They’d see how serious she was. They’d support her in achieving her dream. Though, her parents seeing the real her and supporting it was the real dream.

Her hands started to shake. Riya drew her into her arms and rubbed a hand in soothing circles on her back.

Colt fidgeted behind them. “I’m going to go set up for singing class,” he said. “Talk it over and let me know. I’m going to have to do some groveling for lying to her for so long if you do decide to tell her.” He made a fast escape.

“Do you think it’s a good idea to tell Dee?” Courtney asked, clutching Riya against her so she couldn’t see her face. She didn’t want Riya to see the fear she knew must’ve been etched into every inch.

“I’d tell everyone if I could,” Riya said. “I’d hire someone to write it across the sky.”

A confusing combination of affection and panic flooded Courtney’s veins with adrenaline. Her entire body tensed, and Riya squeezed her in response.

“Don’t worry, I’ll wait until you’re ready,” Riya said. “But you can trust Dee. I trust her.”

Courtney loosened her hold on Riya to search her face. Big brown eyes stared back at her, begging her. Riya was wrong. Courtney wasn’t brave. But Riya made her brave. Sucking in a deep breath for courage, she nodded. “Okay. We can tell her.”

The grin that broke across Riya’s face reached to the very depths of Courtney’s soul, spreading warmth.

“Thank you, Courtney,” she said. “I know how hard this is for you. I’m proud of you.”

The last four words filled Courtney to the brim. “The three of us can pull her aside at tonight’s bonfire,” she said.

Riya waggled her eyebrows. “Then we’ll get to watch Colt grovel.”

Courtney laughed and glanced at the clock. “We gotta go or we’ll be late.” She slipped on a tone of nonchalance. “You coming to singing?”

Riya shook her head as they stepped out the door. Courtney asked every other day, and Riya always said no, but she wasn’t going to stop asking. She had less than a week to convince Riya to join her and Colt for the talent show. He’d reintroduced his plan for the three of them to perform together. Courtney loved the idea of having both of them there on stage to back her up, but Riya’s face went a sickly shade of yellow every time either of them brought it up. Her crippling stage fright, it seemed, had only gotten worse over the years.

“Oh, shoot,” Riya said suddenly. “I have to call my parents and make sure they sent in my sports physical paperwork to my new coach at St. John’s.”

St. John’s
. The words echoed in her head. Courtney’s blood turned to ice. Her steps faltered and she froze in place. Riya took two steps before she realized Courtney had stopped moving. She turned with a quizzical look on her face.

“Court, you look pale. You okay?”

Courtney took great pains to keep her voice calm and steady. “St. John’s is the name of your new school?”

Riya nodded. “Yeah, they offered me a volleyball scholarship. It’s a great school.”

Courtney’s stomach churned. “St. John’s Academy in Charlotte?” Lots of schools were named St. John. Riya’s school could be anywhere.

“Yes?” Riya said, making it sound like a question.

Courtney swore she felt capillaries in her brain explode.

“What’s wrong, Courtney?”

Courtney’s breath pulsed in and out of her lungs way too quickly. “Colt and I attend St. John’s Academy in Charlotte.”

St. John’s only had high school students, so she hadn’t attended there when she’d known Riya before. It was the best school in a hundred-mile radius, so Courtney and Colt drove thirty minutes into Charlotte every day to attend St. John’s even though they lived just outside of Concord.

Next year, Riya and Courtney would be going to the same high school. They would be walking the same hallways and attending the same classes.

A smile inched across Riya’s face. “We’re going to be in high school together?”

Courtney watched the hope bloom across Riya’s face and willed herself to feel the same way. She should feel the same way. Riya had made her happier in the past two weeks than she’d felt in a long time. Part of her wanted to continue that so desperately, she felt the desire like a magnetic pull. Instead, panic vanquished everything else.

Her summer fling, for better or for worse, was now so much more. Even with as much as she was coming to care for Riya, could she risk everything else to hold on to that? Her friends, her parents, her parents’ friends—everyone could find out. But now that she’d rediscovered Riya, that she knew the heat of her skin and the buoyancy of her laugh, Courtney didn’t want to give her up again.

Maybe they could continue on at St John’s like they’d been at Pine Ridge. With both Colt’s and Courtney’s influence, they could integrate Riya into their group of friends so flawlessly no one would think twice about it. They’d have their stolen moments and after-school “study sessions” and maybe even sleepovers and it would be enough.

Until one of them slipped and someone found out.

They’d have to be so careful, meticulously discreet. But they could do it. They’d have to do it. Because, knowing what she knew now, Courtney didn’t want to go back to denying herself the only kisses that’d ever meant anything.

Chapter Thirteen

At breakfast the morning after they’d realized they’d be atte
nding the same school for senior year, Riya decided she wasn’t imagining it: Courtney was freaked out. They’d told Dee the night before, but they’d also told Colt about St. John’s. His joyful whoop contrasted sharply with Courtney’s reaction. Last night, Courtney had crawled into Riya’s bed as usual, but she’d just laid on Riya’s shoulder, squeezing her tight until they both drifted off.

Courtney sat next to Riya and pushed her scrambled eggs around the plate with her fork, jumping every time Riya accidentally brushed her arm or leg. Halfway through the meal, she stood up without a word and walked away. She spent the rest of the time chatting with the young redheaded girl who’d taken a liking to her, Olivia.

Dee met Riya’s eyes, concern swimming in the deep mahogany pools. When she’d told her, Dee was cautiously happy for Riya, glad for the relationship but worried about the secretiveness of it all. Dee was a pragmatist, which created a nice little spectrum in the most important people in Riya’s camp life. Colt, the eternal optimist. Courtney, the pessimist and worrier. And Dee, right in the middle, telling it like it was.

After breakfast, Colt, Dee, Trey, Derek, and Riya continued their tradition of hiking while Bridget and Courtney cultivated their teenage boy fan club by lounging next to the pool, dipping in just long enough to cool off and to say they actually did some swimming. While hiking, their group had encountered a mama black bear with two cubs near a small river. They stood a respectful distance downstream, watching the creatures for a solid twenty minutes. The counselor leading the hike brought them far out of the way to circumvent the territorial bear, and they’d arrived a couple minutes after lunch was served. Talk of the bears dominated the table conversation, so Courtney’s silence went unnoticed by everyone except Riya.

Finally, it was time for volleyball. Bridget, Courtney, and Elise lined up their towels next to one another and settled in to watch the games. Becky stood near the lake-side net pole, clipboard in hand and whistle at the ready. Bridget whispered something to Courtney, who laughed. Elise tried to join in, but she didn’t know what they had been laughing about. Bridget frowned at her behind Courtney’s back.

Riya threw herself into the sport. She focused on making the best of every single play, whether it was a perfect pass from Tiffany or a wild shank from Jenna, whose control had improved slightly since the first day. Saving wild balls was a part of the game, after all, just not usually as frequently as happened at Pine Ridge. Every time Riya started to get frustrated, she reminded herself it was good practice.

Four games in, Riya’s breath pumped in and out of her chest and sand stuck to the sweat covering her entire body. Becky kept putting Jenna on Riya’s team, to compensate. Riya was getting one heck of a workout.

The final game, the score was sixteen to seventeen and Riya was serving. Derek saved one of David’s slaps and lobbed the ball back over the net to Jenna. The ball bounced off of Jenna’s knuckles and flew in Riya’s direction, arcing to the outside. Riya dove for the ball, but she arrived a fraction of a second too late. The spinning ball glanced off the tip of her extended fist and zoomed parallel to the ground.

Riya watched the whole thing in slow motion. Courtney and Elise’s mouths opened into perfect matching o-shapes as their eyes traced the ball’s flight. Bridget was looking the other way, probably watching David on the other side of the court. The red and blue striped ball smacked against the left half of Bridget’s forehead.

The girl screamed bloody murder. Riya looked up from her prone position on the sand. David rushed to Bridget’s side. Riya resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She’d been smacked on the forehead dozens of times by balls hit much harder than that. It didn’t even hurt that much, as long as it missed the nose and eyes.

“Are you okay, baby?” David said.

“No, I am not okay,” Bridget shrieked, pointing a finger at Riya. “That dyke can’t control herself.”

The air on and around the court stilled. Elise gasped. Every pair of eyes bounced back and forth between Riya and Bridget. Riya stared straight at Courtney, waiting for her to say something. To stand up for her like she’d done so many times before. To tell Bridget she was out of line. Anything.

Courtney dropped Riya’s gaze, then turned to examine the red mark on Bridget’s forehead.

Riya’s world imploded.

Her body went cold all over. Her heart stopped.

Dee, Stefanie, and Tiffany tensed, stepping forward. Colt strode in front of them, holding his hands out in supplication.

“Bridget,” he said, admonishing. “That was rude and inappropriate.”

“What?” Bridget said. “She hit me. She’s a brute and a klutz.”

Colt held up his hands in a frustrated gesture. “One, it was an accident and you know it. And two, it wouldn’t have even happened if you got off your ass and actually played volleyball during, you know, volleyball.”

Bridget’s mouth dropped open.

“And three, that word is offensive.”

Bridget shrugged. “It’s true, though.”

Elise scrambled to her feet, picking up her towel, and trotted over to join Stefanie. She distanced herself, physically, from Bridget.

Courtney did not.

Becky, who’d been watching with a horrified look on her face, finally regained her composure. She blew the whistle. “Okay, campers,” she called, every ounce of her usual cheer absent. “It’s time to head back and get ready for dinner.”

Riya was the first to turn and walk away. Tiffany, Stefanie, Elise, and Dee caught up with her quickly. They ranted, calling Bridget terrible things, recounting past horribleness. Riya appreciated the solidarity, but tears sprang to her eyes as she replayed Courtney’s actions—or lack thereof, more accurately.

Behind her, Riya heard Becky call, “Not you, Bridget. I need to talk to you.”

Courtney did not show her face in the cabin as everyone readied for dinner. Riya’s friends kept up a running commentary designed to cheer and distract her. Riya wanted to hug all of them.

In her mind, she kept hearing
that word
repeated over and over again. She kept seeing Courtney, turning away from her, refusing to defend her.

Courtney and Colt walked in to dinner late. Colt gave Riya a sad smile so full of sympathy and understanding it made her wish she’d fallen for the other Chastain sibling. It would’ve been so much easier.

Courtney’s eyes were red and puffy. She hadn’t even tried to cover the evidence with makeup. She sat at the end of the table, not looking at anything but the empty plate in front of her.

After dinner, everyone headed to the bonfire field for an evening of yard games like cornhole, ladder golf, and horseshoes. Riya let the tide of people sweep her up. People kept asking her to be their teammate for various games, and she complied every time. It gave her something to do, something else to think about besides Courtney, who hadn’t made an appearance. Bridget and David stood separate from their usual group, a sour look on Bridget’s face.

Bridget did not look apologetic in the least. Riya wondered if Courtney was sorry, if that was why she hadn’t yet shown her face. And if it even mattered. How could there be any decent future for them when Riya couldn’t count on Courtney to defend her from her own friends?

The alarmed look on Courtney’s face when she realized they’d be going to the same school next year kept flashing through Riya’s mind. Riya’d been thrilled at the news, hopeful. Courtney’d seemed shell-shocked. If Courtney meant all those thing she’d whispered in stolen moments over the past week, why didn’t she share Riya’s excitement?

“I’m going to head to bed,” Riya whispered to Dee and Colt about thirty minutes before everyone else would turn in.

“I’ll go with,” Dee offered.

“No.” Riya’s voice was firm. She needed some time alone. “I’m exhausted. I’m just going to pass out.”

Riya found Becky, telling her she didn’t feel well and needed to go to bed.

“Is it because of what happened today?” Becky looked up at her with huge, sympathetic eyes.

Riya nodded. She
was
upset about something that had happened today, even if it wasn’t exactly what Becky thought.

“I’m so sorry, Riya,” Becky said. “I told Bridget how inappropriate it was.”

Riya swallowed with difficulty. “Thanks. Is it all right if I go?”

Becky glanced at her watch, then looked over Riya’s shoulder toward their cabin. Riya followed her gaze. From here, she could see about 90 percent of the path back to G7B.

“Yeah, go,” Becky said in a breath. “We’ll all be there in a little bit.”

As Riya cleared the field, Colt jogged up next to her.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi,” she said.

“Look, Riya. I’m sorry about today. Bridget’s never been nice, but that was unacceptable.”

Riya met his eyes, which glowed silver in the light from the full moon. Courtney’s did the same. It seemed like everyone was apologizing to her except for the one person who really needed to. And she didn’t mean Bridget.

“I don’t care what Bridget said,” Riya spat. And it was true. “I care that Courtney didn’t defend me.”

His head drooped, his chin falling toward his chest. “I know. And I know how hurt you are, but can I beg for leniency on her behalf?”

Riya raised an eyebrow. Her anger teetered on a knife’s edge. If Colt hadn’t been the one to defend her, she wouldn’t have given him the benefit of the doubt.

“We had it out after volleyball,” he said. “She feels terrible. She’ll never admit it, but she’s dealing with a lot of internalized self-loathing.”

“You sound like a psychology textbook.”

To her surprise, Colt grinned at that. “I took AP Psych last semester. Anyway, she’s terrified. She’s grown up in a culture that’s brainwashed her into thinking every desire she’s ever had is wrong. That she’s broken. That she can fix herself if she tries hard enough.”

“You grew up in that same culture, Colt.”

He nodded. “Yeah, but they were never talking about me. It’s much easier to separate yourself that way. Since they were talking about someone I loved, I could deny it.”

“How long have you known?”

He shrugged. “Five, six years.”

Riya’s heart thumped in her chest. She stood still without saying anything.

“Yeah,” Colt said, answering the question Riya hadn’t asked. He knew because of Riya, because of the way Courtney acted around Riya.

Riya nodded. “Okay. I’ll talk to her.”

A warm smile spread slowly across his face. “Great, because she’s waiting for you at the beach.”

Riya’s eyes widened. Colt shrugged.

Riya let out a single bark of a laugh. “Well, your parents can be happy they’ve got one shark in the family.”

Colt held his hands over his heart. “You wound me.”

Riya gave him a doubtful look before spinning on her heel.

Riya’s speed fluctuated wildly as she walked. When she reached her cabin, she glanced back to see if anyone was watching her. Heart hammering in her chest, she passed it and kept walking. She alternated between hopeful and defeated, her steps accelerating and slowing with each mood swing. When she reached the beach, Courtney stood leaning against the lifeguard stand, staring out at the lake. Tears pricked at the corners of Riya’s eyes. She blinked them back and swallowed the rising swell in her throat. Two years ago, Riya had sworn to herself that she’d no longer hide her true self, no matter how painful. Courtney had made her forget that promise. No more.

…

Having given up on her hope that Riya would show, Courtney watched the tiny ripples in the lake’s surface, trying to drown her thoughts in their miniscule crests. She’d have to head back in a couple minutes or Becky would notice her absence in the cabin. Courtney’d screwed up so badly that even Colt couldn’t talk Riya into giving her a second chance.

Not that she deserved it.

Bridget’d called Riya that horrible word, and Courtney had literally turned her back on Riya. What the hell had she been thinking? Simple, she hadn’t been thinking at all. Terror took control, shoving every decent thought into the backseat. Courtney was weak and she’d proven it today in front of everyone who mattered.

Courtney spun at the sound of a cough behind her. Riya stood next to a stack of canoes, her golden-brown skin glowing in the moonlight.

“You came.” Courtney’s voice lifted to an octave higher than usual.

“Yeah. Your brother is going to make a great lawyer one day,” Riya explained.

Courtney stared at her hands. “My parents will be so proud.”

Riya’s feet shuffled forward, her movements unsure and hesitant. She used the momentum to walk past Courtney and sat on the sand, the toes of her flip-flops flirting with the waterline.

Courtney dropped down next to her. Words rushed out of her in a flood of regret. “I’m so sorry, Riya. I panicked. The very thing I’m afraid of was happening, and it was someone who was supposed to be my friend and I just froze.”

Wordless, Riya continued staring at the rippling water. It reflected the full moon above like a distorted mirror.

“I’m sorry. What can I do?” Courtney slipped her hand into Riya’s, punctuating her plea with squeezes. “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”

Riya looked down at their clasped hands. “This,” she said. “Hold my hand.”

“Anyt—”

“At breakfast tomorrow. Walk in with me, holding hands.”

Courtney felt all of the blood retreat from her face, leaving her cheeks cold and tingling. “I can’t do that.”

Courtney wanted to make Riya understand that today had been nothing, a lapse in judgment, a moment of overwhelming fear. But Riya didn’t understand what she was asking Courtney to do.

Riya stood up. “Then I can’t do this.”

When Riya stood up, something inside Courtney snapped. She’d never been so scared on so ma
ny levels.

“I’m not ready, okay?” She stood. “Why can’t you give me more time?”

Riya turned to face her. Tears streamed freely down her cheeks. They sparkled like diamonds in the moonlight. “I can’t live a lie. I’m not like you.”