Kayden: The Past (26 page)

Carrie and I ended up having sex in the bathroom in some club that I can’t even remember. They had a family bathroom, and families weren’t on the street this late at night. It was a single small room with a lock on the door. We could be loud, and no one would hear us over the music. Carrie wasn’t the type of girl you needed to take home and wine and dine. I fucked her long and hard and lived up to every motto I laid out while we were in Hustler.

I watched her as she rearranged her skirt and top; she looked like she just went through a war. I learned from Candy not to put a girl on the sink. As soon as she locked the door behind us, I grabbed her and smashed her against the wall. She wrapped her legs around me, and I undid my pants and used my hands to hold her by the ass. Her back looked a bit raw from hitting the tile over and over again, but I wasn’t sorry for any of it. I tied off the condom and flushed it away.

“My back is going to be fucking killing me tomorrow.” She looked in the mirror, studying the damage. “Worth every second of misery I’ll feel tomorrow, though.” She smiled at me with a devilish grin.

“I want to take it a bit slower next time… I want to make other things ache for days.”

She laughed nervously, “I have no doubt you could, too.”

“Shall we?” I asked as I unlocked the door. “I’ll text the guys and see where they are and walk you to your friends.”

“Such a gentleman.” I opened the door and followed her out.

The group had never left Hustler, and we’d meet them there before parting ways. I knew Carrie would be back for more; I had no doubt. I could see the guys standing outside waiting for us as we approached, and the ladies came laughing out the doorway behind them. I didn’t want to know what had happened while we were gone. Our two groups parted ways at Hustler; it was late, and we had to work the next day. We said our goodbyes and left the ladies on Bourbon to head home to our empty beds and uncomplicated lives. NOLA could work out perfectly; it’s just what the doctor ordered.

Carrie and I had a standing appointment. It sounds boring and unromantic, but romance wasn’t the name of the game – lust, passion and sex were. We met about every two weeks, sometimes sooner if we felt the need. We never shared too much or held deep conversations.

After some time away from the situation, I missed Lisa, maybe I was glutton for punishment and my curse was crazy ass bitches. Could I like a normal girl who didn’t turn my world upside down? Did I crave the unknown and want to live on the edge of uncertainty? I sent my monthly payment to the probation officer, waiting until the last minute possible. I hated parting with my cash and sending it away to someone who had everything I owned while I slept in a used bed.

I had been lying in bed trying to fall asleep for what felt like hours, but it didn’t come. I turned on the television and started watching ESPN, hoping that it would help drown out the thoughts of my failures in love and especially Lisa. I stared at my finger that held her name. My ring finger, she’d promised herself to me always and wanted me to put her name on my body to prove my devotion to her. I jumped as my phone started to ring and jump from the vibrations, dancing on my night stand. I answered it without looking at the caller ID; I figured it was Carrie wanting to plan our next night.

“Hello.”

“Hey,” said a small voice. My heart stopped with the sound of her voice. I didn’t know what to say to her, what was there to say? “Kayden?” she asked in an unsure tone.

“Yeah, what do you want?” I asked not moving from my bed although I felt the need to pace around my room.

“I miss you,” she said in a soft tone that I hadn’t heard in a long time.

“That’s hard to believe.”

“Kayden, I do miss you. God, I’ve fucked everything up.” Her voice cracked, and the sound became muffled.

“The only person who got fucked in this is me, Lisa.”

“I know. God, I was just so pissed at you. It just got all out of hand.”

I know I got out of hand. If I wouldn’t have destroyed our things, I wouldn’t have been arrested and be on probation. “I’m sorry I broke in and fucked things up. I just couldn’t believe you locked me out, and it didn’t help that I’d been drinking either.”

“I just wanted to piss you off. I was so fucking mad at you. I wanted you to feel a little of what I felt. I would’ve cooled off after a night without you, and it would’ve ended there.” She sighed, “But you had to come in and destroy shit. You crossed the line, Kayden. I had to call the cops. I fucking saw red when I walked in the door.”

“I know. Everything got out of hand between us, Lisa. Where did it all go wrong?” I asked putting my arms over my head getting more comfortable. This Lisa was the one who I thought I fell in love with, the calm and remorseful woman who I had known before she became possessed.

“Do you think we can start over? Can I come visit you, Kayden?” I didn’t answer right away. So many thoughts went through my mind with the thought of seeing her again. “Please.” She started to sob.

Fuck. I was a sucker for tears. “Yes, you can come for a weekend if you want.”

“The house has been so empty without you. I’m lost without you.”

“We’re not getting back together, Lisa, but you can come spend some time with me.” I couldn’t commit to her. I couldn’t give my heart to her; it was already raw and an open wound.

“I just need to sleep in your arms. Maybe someday we can be a couple again.”

“I don’t think so, Lisa. We’re like oil and water. We just don’t mix well together. I don’t know if I can ever trust you again. What’s to stop you from doing it again?”

“Let’s handle it one trip at a time. I’ll let you know when I book a ticket. Thank you, Kayden.”

I must clearly be a fucking moron. “We’ll talk then.” I wasn’t going to give her free reign to re-enter my life and rub salt in the wound. I should’ve told her no, to go fuck herself, but we had history, and I didn’t want to cut the last string of possibility without knowing it was totally over between us. Her kindness on the phone made it impossible for me to say no; she did have a loving side, although I hadn’t seen it for ages. The holidays were coming up; I’d use that as an excuse for my total lack of judgment.

Carrie was my easy lay, the one who came without complication, expectations, and rules. My life was easy, but I felt it was about to get a bit rocky. I didn’t tell Carrie since we weren’t an item. I didn’t ask her if I was the only one in her life, and she never asked me. Lisa wouldn’t be in my life; I needed the closure and maybe we’d put the hurt and anger behind us with this trip. I could get on with my life and move forward free of the anger.

Auld Lang Syne ~ Lisa

Lisa booked her ticket and would be spending three days and two nights with me, including New Year’s Eve. My stomach ached, my heart thundered in my chest, and my palms grew wet against the steering wheel as I drove to the airport. I hadn’t seen her in months, and I didn’t want to get sucked in and lose myself again. I finally felt like me again, the Kayden I used to be before the ladies in my life decided to use me as a rug.

I sat near the exit and waited for her to appear through the endless line of people. I checked my watch; her flight should have landed by now. Maybe she changed her mind and didn’t get on the plane realizing what a cluster fuck this would turn out to be. I leaned forward in my chair as a sense of relief and calm overcame me as I stared at my feet. She wasn’t coming – I could breathe again.

Furry boots stopped in front of me, and I slowly looked up. She made the flight and stood before me with a giant smile on her face. She looked relaxed and happy. She looked like the girl I first met to chat with over drinks so long ago. “Hey, stranger,” she said her eyes crinkling into little slits from the large smile on her face.

I stood up, and she wrapped her arms around my waist. She melted into my body, a feeling I knew well and a comfort that I’d been used to and felt the loss of late at night. I wrapped my arms around her and inhaled the scent of her as I held her. She buried her face in my chest and squeezed me so tight that my chest hurt. “Hey,” I said, grabbing her arms trying to pry her off me.

“Sorry about that,” she said as she let go and wiped her eyes. “I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.” She looked me in the eyes, “I’m so sorry, Kayden.”

“Ready?” I wouldn’t say I felt happy as I stood with her in the airport. I felt more on edge than I had in months.

“Yes.” I grabbed the bag out of her hand and started walking toward the exit. She walked quickly to catch up to me before reaching out to hold my hand. I didn’t pull away from the contact; she’d be sharing my bed for two nights; I needed to get used to it even if it made me uncomfortable.

I still felt betrayed, but I knew I played a role. My drinking had been a cause as well as my inability to control my temper. I’d been just as big of an asshole as she had that night. The ride to my apartment was quiet; quieter than any time I could ever remember between us and tension filled the air. She stroked my arm as I drove, and I felt relieved as I parked the truck in the apartment lot.

“Come on,” I said as I opened my door and climbed out of the truck. The air had grown cold after the sun set, and a gust of wind caused me to shiver as I pulled her bag out of the back of the truck.

“Shit, I’m freezing.” She wrapped her sweater around her body a little tighter as she followed behind me through the courtyard.

“It’s not bad, not like Florida, but nowhere near as shitty as Ohio.” I unlocked the door, and only Mark sat in the living room.

“Mark, this is Lisa,” I said as I kicked off my shoes, and Lisa walked into the apartment.

“Hey,” Mark said looking at Lisa with suspicion. The guys knew all about Lisa. I had spilled my guts on what she’d put me through, and they thought I was fucking crazy letting her come here. Maybe they were right.

“Hi,” she said as she looked around the apartment, judging the way we lived. I could almost see the wheels spinning in her head; she was so deep in thought.

“Want to stay out here or go in my room,” I asked.

“Room, please.” She smiled, but I could tell the joy on her face wasn’t real.

Lisa followed me to my bedroom and set her purse on the dresser. “This is it?” she asked.

“It’s all I have, remember?”

“I do. I just didn’t think… I thought you had more.”

“Lisa, I left with nothing. You have all my things. What you see is what I have to my name.”

“I never thought of it that way. I’m sorry.” She wrapped her arms around me. “Are you okay?”
Where did this tender caring Lisa come from?

“I’m fine, Lisa. I’ve been happy and have all I need.”

“Can’t we try again?” I could feel her heartbeat against my chest.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea. We’d just end in disaster again.”

She moved away from me and sat on the bed looking like she just lost her best friend. “I know… you’re right. Can we just enjoy these few days? Like old times.” My version of old times had to be different than hers. Enjoy isn’t a term I’d use to describe our last few months together, more like torture. It went both ways, and we fed off each other.

“Can you at least send me my clothes or something?” I asked as I sat down next to her.

“I brought a couple things with me.” She kneeled down on the floor and pulled out a couple sweaters. They weren’t much, but in that moment, they felt like everything to me. She handed them to me, and I placed them on the bed. I reached out and helped her off the floor.