Just Make Him Beautiful (14 page)

A
fter
M
other said her good
-
byes to my brother, we walked out of his room arm
in
arm.
I d
id
n’t know who was supporting who
m
,
but I guess we were supporting each other.

“I’m sorry for your los
s,
Mrs. Wilson,” Officer Crawley said in a genuine tone as he waited to take us back home.

“Thank you,” Mother said through
her
pain
and tears
.

A
s we got into Officer Crawley’s cruiser, M
other asked, “Officer Crawley, do you know who did this to my boy?”

“Yes, we have him in custody as we speak
,
and he will be sent to prison
.
Y
ou can count on that
.
”

“I want to see the monster that killed my boy
.
”

“I don’t think now is a good time
,
Mrs. Wilson. Maybe another time would be better?”

“I want to see the
monster
that killed my boy
!”
Mother demanded.

*

Officer Crawley had taken my mother and
I
down to the police station
, where w
e were informed that the monster
,
as my mother called him
,
was
still being questioned by an officer
in one of the investigation rooms.
My mother and I
were
escorted
to
another room
with
a huge mirror on one side of the wall
,
adjoining the room w
h
ere the monster
was
being questioned.

My mouth
literally
open
ed
wide when I saw who the monster was.
How could I tell my mother that the monster
who
killed her son was the dude on the basketball court name
d
Junior, who Ray beat up because of me? My legs buckled
,
and
this time,
I fell straight to the floor.

“Son,
are
you ok
ay
?” Officer Crawley asked as he helped me up.

My eyes began to water once more.
“
Yeah, I’m fine
.
”

“What is his name?” Mother
asked
.

Officer Crawley looked at his paperwork.
“His name is Jerome
R
ogers
,
but they call him Junior
.”

“He’s just a baby himself. How old is he?” Mother asked.

“He just turned
eighteen.
”

As
M
other and Officer Crawley talked, all I could do was
to
stare at Junior behind the glass mirror. The guilt I felt was horrible. Why did I have to go outside that day? I
f
I’d
stayed in the house like I
was suppose
d
to
,
Ray would still be alive.
How was I
supposed to live with this guilt for the rest of my life?

*

M
other and I were chauffeured back to our home
,
courtesy of Officer Crawley. There wasn’t any conversation along the way
.
O
nce we got home,
M
other went to her room
,
and I went to mine. I closed my door and
lay
on Ray’s bunk while listening to
M
other ba
w
l her eyes out
in the next room
.
A
s I
lay
there
,
I could still feel and smell him all around me.

Am I sleeping?
I ask
ed
this because it fe
lt
like a dream.
Am I breathing?
Is it my brother who died, or was it me?
I
thought
it must have been me because
m
y brother
had
always protected me, so who
was going to
protect me now?
My brother loved me, so who
was going to
love me now?

I d
id
n’t think I c
ould
take this kind of
pain
.
How can I kill myself?
I so wanted to die but was too afraid of death.
How can I go on when I don’t want to live? Who will protect me now?
What about my brother’s clothes and his things?
I think I wanna move.  I can’t stay here in this room and not have my brother here to love me.

M
y brother protected me,
but
he was killed
because of me
.
I killed my brother. Can anybody hear me? I killed my brother. Wake up, Cameron.  This can’t be happening.
Wake up. I want to kill Junior.
Who will protect me now?

I need
ed
someone to protect and love me.
I want
ed
him to be
B
eautiful
,
Black, E
mployed
,
Attractive, U
nderstanding
, Tall, Independent, Faithful, Unique
,
Lovable,
and
most of all, protective of me
.
Please
God,
Just Make Him Beautiful.

*

The following day I didn’t wake up until noon time.
I really didn’t feel like getting up because
I
had
slept in Ray’s bed all night
,
which comforted me
.

I
got up and walked out into the living room
,
but all the lights were still out. I went to
M
other
’
s room and knocked on her bedroom door
,
but
there was no answer
.
I quietly open
ed
t
he door and found her lying in bed, still asleep.

“M
other
, wake up,” I said
,
tapping her.
She didn’t budge or ma
k
e a sound
.
“M
other
, wake up.”

“Leave me alone.”

“M
other
, it’s after
twelve
o’clock
.
D
idn’t Dr.
Ros
s ask you to give him a call around this time?”

“Leave me alone, I said.”

“M
other
, you have to wake up. We have to make arrangements for Ray.”

“I don’t have to do a damn thing,”
she
said
,
turning over and going back to sleep.

I closed
M
other
’
s door, got dressed
,
and went next door to get my baby sister.

I knocked on Ms.
Washington
’s door and waited until she answered.

“Good afternoon
,
Cameron
.
S
o
,
how is Ray doing?”

Obviously, she hadn
’
t heard
.
I didn’t know how to say it
,
so I just blurted out
,
“He’s dead
.
T
hat’s how he’s doing!” I
started
to cry again.

“Oh my God
!
Cameron, I didn’t know. Come on in
,
baby
.
”
S
he open
ed
the door so I could enter.

I walked into her apartment and found Keshia sitting at the kitchen table eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a glass of milk.
I sat at the kitchen table and explained to Ms.
Washington
what had happened when we got to the hospital
the
night
before,
and that Ray had died because of me.

“No
,
Cameron, don’t say that. Ray died because it was just his time. God called him
,
and when God calls, you must answer
.
” 

I didn’t tell Ms.
Washington
that
Ray had beaten th
is
guy
up
because of me and
that
the guy sought out revenge and shot Ray several times in the chest. I thought I would just keep that to myself
,
but the guilt was still eating me inside
,
and all I could do
wa
s cry.
O
nce I started crying, Keshia started crying as well
.
 

Ms.
Washington
held and rocked us both. I guess all I really needed was to be comforted by a mother figure because my own mother was so out of it herself that she didn’t take in
to
consideration her
other
two
children. I don’t mean that in a bad way because I
couldn’t
imagine what a parent must feel like when they lose a child.

*

Finally,
Keshia and I
went
home
,
only to find
M
other still
in
the bed with the curtains drawn and in the dark. I asked
her
if
she wanted something to eat,
but
she refused.
I fixed Keshia and
me
a couple of TV dinners
,
and afterwards I put
her
to bed.

I s
a
t in the living room alone and
in the dark
,
afraid
of
what was happening to my family.
I had cried so much
,
my eyes were bloodshot
-
red
,
and I was just tired of crying
,
tired of the pain.

“
Please
,
God, take th
is
pain away
,” I
begged,
crying and rocking myself to sleep.

Chapter
8

Three days
after Ray’s death,
M
oth
er
wa
s still in her room, lying in her bed in the dark. My baby sister d
id
nothing but cry and complain about everything I d
id.
E
ither I
wasn’t
combing her hair the right way
,
or the food I tried to cook d
id
n’t taste right. I
was
thirteen years old
,
and I
felt
like dying. I guess that’s why
M
other ha
d
n’t gotten out of bed
.
 
Losing
a child just ain’t right
. God must
’ve
be
en
angry
at what my brother and I did.
I suspect
ed
it
was
only a matter of time before God c
ame
for me.