Just Claire (13 page)

ClaireLee listened in at Mama's door. Still quiet. After helping Lolly into her coat, ClaireLee hurried from the cabin. As they passed Big Red's, she hoped he wouldn't mind if she got the boys later instead of now. A twinge burned in ClaireLee's chest, and she rubbed the spot.
I can't believe Nana's not going to help me.

L
ate afternoon sun
shone through the trees along Pit Street, giving the appearance of rays of lights. Tugging Lolly along, ClaireLee climbed the two steps of the market. She hoped, hoped, hoped—pushing the door open. Walking past the potbellied woodstove, the fire warmed the side of her face. “Hi, Mr. Holcomb, is Valerie here?”

The older man slipped a pencil behind his ear. “As a matter of fact, yes she is.” He pointed. “Go clear to the end and through the back door. She's counting the back stock.” Bending against the counter with his hand extended, he said, “Would your little sister like a piece of candy?”

Winking her approval to Lolly, ClaireLee said, “Yes, please,” and Lolly reached for the sucker.

Clutching her candy, Lolly followed ClaireLee.

Valerie met them at the back entrance. “Hi, ClaireLee. Shopping again?”

She caught a glimpse over her shoulder. Mr. Holcomb stood behind his counter exchanging food for cash with a customer. “Can we talk, so no one can hear, Valerie?”

“C'mon.” She grabbed ClaireLee's hand and led her through the opened stockroom back door. “Let's sit.” Under a blue sky, Valerie pointed at two wooden crates. “I'd offer you a soda pop, but you have an expression like you mean business.” Her doe eyes blinked.

“Please don't think I'm expecting a favor, okay?” ClaireLee plopped on a crate. “And say yes only if you feel right about it.”

Drawing closer, Valerie said, “What's the matter?”

Overcome with the jitters, ClaireLee sucked in her breath. Her words tumbled over themselves. “I need help with something.”

“Sure.”

“I liked going to the party today,” ClaireLee said. “I liked having fun away from my—family.” She bent forward, picking and choosing what to reveal. “Can I trust you with my secret?”

“Oh,” Valerie said, “you know it.”

Fumbling with her words, ClaireLee said, “My mom—she has problems. It began when she had our baby brother after we moved here.”

Lolly leaned against ClaireLee. “Yeah, Mama needs a lotta rest.”

“Hush your mouth and let me talk,” ClaireLee said.

Lolly wandered to a small rock pile and climbed to the top. ClaireLee whispered, “You know, I never wanted to move here.”

Valerie rolled her eyes and laughed. “Me neither.”

Surprised, ClaireLee said, “I didn't know, Valerie.”

“We came because Dad makes good money working on the tunnel.” She lowered her eyes, pushing dirt in a mound with her tennis shoe. “I can't wait to go home.”

“Where's your home?”

“In San Diego near the beach.” Elbows on her knees, she said, “I do owe you a favor for keeping my secret.”

“Would you talk nice about me to Wendy?” ClaireLee played with her sweater button. “Ask her if I could join your group?”

Bowing her head and staring at her sneakers, Valerie said, “You need to say no to Wendy if she asks you to join us and be a Lavender Girl.”

ClaireLee patted at her chest as her heart beat faster. “Wendy's going to ask me?”

“Please.” Valerie scrunched her face with concern. “Trust me and tell her no.”

To stop the spinning of her head, ClaireLee touched her temple. “I need to be in the club. My grandmother, Nana, sent me new dresses, and so I'll fit in with the Lavender Girls.”

“Is your grandmother rich?” ClaireLee shook her head. Valerie's breath came in a huff. “You're going to get hurt.”

She stiffened. “But why?”

“Okay, okay, but don't say I didn't warn you.” Waving her hands, Valerie said, “Wendy's going to ask you into the club just to spite Belinda.” She shook her head. “There. I said it.”

“I don't think—”
Wendy might do this.

Valerie took her hand. “I'm sorry, ClaireLee.”

Tears sprung to her eyes and leaked along ClaireLee's cheekbones. She cried for a normal life outside of the cabin. Standing, she peered down at Valerie. “Belinda's my friend.” Leaving Valerie sitting there, ClaireLee took long strides to the front of the store.
I hate this place.

“Wait.” Valerie was running after her. “I wanted you to know I like you a whole lot.”

ClaireLee kept walking. “I like you, too, Valerie.”
I do.

As the sisters meandered toward the cabin, ClaireLee ached to strip the gloom from her heart.
I'll hug Feather and admire my new dresses.

Didn't ClaireLee need something to make her happy?

B
efore school on Monday morning
, ClaireLee made peanut butter and chocolate candy sandwiches for their sack lunches. While no one noticed, she opened another bag. Slipping candy after candy into her mouth, she no longer wanted to eat her bowl of oatmeal.

In the bathroom, she slipped into one of her new dresses. She waltzed out and curtsied for her brothers.

Grayson whistled. “You're pretty, ClaireLee.”

Taken by the words, she curtsied again. “Thank you.”

“Yeah.” Liam agreed. “Remember when Nana bought me and Grayson those shirts for church?”

“She spoils us,” ClaireLee said, “and I miss her.”

Minutes later, ClaireLee motioned with her hand, “Come on, boys, let's go,” and she kissed Lolly good-bye. She reached for her jacket on the wooden peg behind the door, but she lowered her hand before taking the coat. Her fur-trimmed boots would keep her warm enough, for she wanted to show off what Nana had bought her.

The boots and dress revived the confidence she had lost in front of Valerie a few days earlier.
No one's going to use me to get to Belinda.
Walking taller, she sang, “Each step I take I know that He will guide me. . .”

Rounding the last bend on Pit Street, the setting appeared the same as always. Big Red's miniature bus sat in its usual school parking spot, and a cluster of kids gathered on the concrete steps.

ClaireLee waved at Kaye and Wendy and gave Valerie's hand a squeeze. As Belinda approached her, ClaireLee gave her a hug. “I missed you last week.”

The sorrow of the universe stared back, and ClaireLee curtsied to cheer her friend. The tip of Belinda's lips creased upward. “Getting gussied up made ya Miss Happy.”

Fanning the hem of her dress, the green raised dots were bumpy against ClaireLee's fingertips.

Kaye's mouth opened and closed. She pinched ClaireLee's puffy sleeve, giving it a wiggle. “How cute, and so Shirley Temple, but the color reminds me of a jar of moldy mustard.”

A grumpy scowl fought to replace ClaireLee's feelings of joy.
No. I'll not let Kaye ruin my moment to impress Wendy.
The muscles in her face relaxed, and she won the battle.

“This is real different from your normal plaid clothes,” Wendy said. “Where did you get it?”

“One of
six
new dresses my wonderful grandmother sent me.” ClaireLee overly expressed her next words. “She's rich, you know.” Valerie's eyes bulged like a bullfrog's.

Belinda touched the lacy collar. “This outfit makes her seem at least fourteen, don't ya think?” Opening her mouth to say something more, Belinda got cut off.

“Well,” Kaye's laugh came out more than a little haughty, “I think you're stretching it a bit, Cruz. I'd say a dwarfed fourteen.”

Crossing her arms, ClaireLee determined to ignore Kaye, the bully.

“I like the boots,” Wendy said. “Your grandmother obviously has superb taste.”

The wind swirled, mussing their hair. ClaireLee shivered, picturing her hooded jacket on its wooden peg.

Staring at ClaireLee, Belinda said, “You're like one of them cameo lizards. You change colors. Sometimes you're a tomboy, ClaireLee. Sometimes you're glamour girl, like now.”

“You mean chameleon.” ClaireLee giggled. “I think
cameo
is jewelry.”

“You need to hang a dictionary around your neck, Cruz.” Wendy paused and added with a smirk, “But, of course, you're ignorant.”

ClaireLee stiffened at Wendy's rude remark. Belinda said, “Yep, sure, chameleon.”

Choosing to ignore the Lavenders, as Belinda had done, ClaireLee said, “Thank you, Belinda.”

As the bell rang, the crowd of students moved inside. Valerie touched ClaireLee's arm. “Meet me in the bathroom.”

I hope Valerie doesn't tell me what to do again.

Belinda walked alongside ClaireLee, but she waved Belinda on. “I'll see you in class.” She entered the girls' restroom, and Valerie opened a stall and pulled her inside.

In hushed whispers, Valerie said, “Did you make a decision about the club?”

Someone came in, and Valerie tapped her lips. She leaned toward ClaireLee's ear. “I
would
like for you to join us.”

The two girls became quiet, and all the while ClaireLee thought about what she'd tell Valerie. When the outer bathroom door squeaked shut, she said, “I can be friends with Belinda
and
the Lavender Girls.”

In a stern voice, Valerie said, “Wendy won't go for this, ClaireLee.”

She straightened to her full four-foot-eight height. “I'm not going against my best friend.”

“Okay.” Valerie reached for the stall latch and let them out. “But, don't say I didn't warn you.”

Following Valerie , ClaireLee stayed close to her. “You see, Valerie, because you warned me, I know what Wendy's plan I won't betray Belinda.”

Valerie shook her head. “Sounds like too much work for my taste.”

The girls walked at a fast pace to class.
Now if I can only do this—get my friends to like one another.

D
uring library time
, ClaireLee and Belinda sat cross-legged on the floor before a shelf of books. At one point while ClaireLee read a Laura Wilder book to Belinda, Belinda slumped. “Lucky girl, Laura.”

ClaireLee frowned. “What's wrong?”

“Ma meant it when she wrote the letter to Grandma about raising me.” Belinda gazed at the carpeted floor. “In Hollywood, she was busy auditing, audish…oh, shucks. I can't even say it.” ClaireLee bit off the tips of a few fingernails, listening. “Ma got all fancy in her high heels, and a different color nail polish to match her dresses each morning. She'd say, ‘I'm off to see some people about my reading for a movie part.'” Belinda rolled her eyes. “Each day, I saw her for a whole ten pea-pickin' minutes.”

A film of tears blurred ClaireLee's vision. “I'm sad for you, Belinda.”

“No surprise.” She shrugged. “I knew my ma didn't want me, or she wouldn't have left me with Grandma Neecy in the first place.”

“Maybe one day she'll come home.” ClaireLee patted Belinda's back.

“There's about as much chance of such a thing as there is snow in a heat wave.” Belinda sniffed.

Thumping the copy of
On the Banks of Plum Creek
, ClaireLee said, “Let's get this, and we'll keep reading pages together.”

Belinda swiped at her eyes. “If you wanna.”

After checking out the book, Belinda headed to the restroom, and ClaireLee sauntered to class. She pondered on Laura Ingalls and her family. They reminded her of the perfect home, with a mother's love. Carrying the book filled her with hopeful thoughts.

I want to believe Mama will get well. She'll sleep only at night like the rest of us. And maybe Belinda's mama will come home.

A voice from behind interrupted her thoughts. “What's this you're carrying?”

She hugged the book tighter and remembered her plan to be nice to Kaye. ClaireLee said over her shoulder, “
On the Banks of Plum Creek
.” She slowed for Kaye to match her steps

“I read the book in the first grade.” Kaye grunted. “What are you—miss Goody Two-Shoes?”

Blinking from the comment, ClaireLee said nothing.
Does she never stop with the mean words?

“Wait for me,” Wendy yelled.

ClaireLee stopped, and Kaye puckered her face like she'd eaten a sour apple and was about to spit. Convinced even more Belinda would be a happy addition to the Lavender Girls, ClaireLee prayed.
Please, Lord, help this work out with all five of us girls as friends.

D
uring second recess
, ClaireLee carried the Laura Ingalls book with her to the playground. Settling on a swing, she read to Belinda, while Belinda pushed her higher and higher. ClaireLee opened to the first page of
On the Banks of Plum Creek.
“In the mornings they ran through the dewy chilled grass that wet their feet and dabbled the hems of their dresses.”

Suddenly, Belinda's push jerked ClaireLee's swing with a twist and shifted her stomach. The taste of chocolate rose to her throat, and she managed to slow down the swing with her shoes. Too late, though—she vomited. When she could dig her toes into the ground, ClaireLee leaped from the swing.

Staggering to keep her balance, she rushed to the bathroom. Her knees hit cold concrete in the bathroom stall, and she vomited again.

Slumped over, ClaireLee took a damp paper towel from Belinda. Brown slime smeared the front of her bodice. She wiped her face on the towel and shuddered.
My dress is ruined.
Sagging against the concrete wall, sweat beaded her forehead.

Belinda got another towel and wiped with quick strokes at the mess on ClaireLee's chest. “It doesn't matter ya got your dress yucky.” She lowered her voice, “You're still glamour girl.”

“I don't feel fancy.” ClaireLee headed to the sink and splashed water on her face.

At the sound of the bell the two friends headed to class. Shame-faced, ClaireLee caught a whiff of her soiled clothes, and she fought the urge to burst into tears.
No. I won't cry.
Concentrating, she forced her boots to thud in the hall, and a tough skin moved over her flesh and bones.

As she entered the classroom, every eye seemed glued on her. At her desk now, Wendy draped her wool sweater over ClaireLee's shoulders and gave her the library book she'd dropped on the playground. Her lips parted to say thank you, but Wendy had already left.

ClaireLee admired her. She wanted the same strength and self-confidence as the Boston city girl. She was working on this trait.
Will Wendy invite me into her club? Not now, I'm a stinky wreck.

A
fter school
, ClaireLee peeked into Mama's bedroom. She gasped at Feather's angelic face with lashes curled over his closed eyelids.

Then—the toilet flushed.

Squatting at the baby's basinet, ClaireLee ducked down her head.
How can I avoid Mama?
ClaireLee needed to get to her clothes box under her bed for a change of clothes.
Mama will ask about the dress and where it came from.
She wanted to put off this event forever.

Barefooted, Mama's feet padded from the bathroom to the kitchen, where Lolly was fixing herself a snack. ClaireLee tiptoed from Mama's room. She pulled from the girls' box a brightly-colored pair of pants and shirt, and decided she would first gauge Mama's mood. If she wasn't grumpy, ClaireLee would explain about Nana's gifts.

If she were grumpy—well, there would be no talking to Mama.

ClaireLee's hand touched the bathroom doorknob. Behind her, Mama said, “Where'd you get this dress?”

Her foot froze mid-step—then she lowered it to the floor.

“Answer me, darling daughter.”

No. Oh, dear Lord, please
.
ClaireLee faced a mother who was no longer kind. “A friend gave it to me, Mama.” The blush to her cheeks frightened her.
Will Mama guess I'm not telling the truth?

“But, Sissy Pie,” Lolly said, “Nana gave you a whole box of dresses.”

ClaireLee's hand slipped from the round knob, falling to her side.

“Is this true, ClaireLee?” Mama's mouth puckered like a French knot on a doily. “Did you just lie to me?”

Stomach hurting, ClaireLee said, “I sent a letter to Nana, and she wrote me back and gave me this dress.”

“Ah, oh.” Lolly covered her mouth. “I forgot.”

“Now, we know the truth.” Mama pointed an accusing finger at ClaireLee. “Did Miss Clumsy fall into a mud puddle?”

She gulped and held her breath, unsure of where Mama's tone of voice would lead.

Crooking her finger at ClaireLee, Mama said, “Let's see all the dresses.”

Inching the box from under the bed, ClaireLee gave herself time to think, but no solution came to her.
I'm sunk.

Lowering herself on the bed, Mama reached inside the box. She unfolded a brown corduroy dress. “So, Miss Priss”—Mama's voice oozed with sarcasm—“your nana sent you store clothes.”

Muscles twitching, ClaireLee's eyes darted from Mama to the door. She licked her lips, waiting.
I'm scared of her, and I'll run.

Mama snarled. “Where are my pretty dresses? Where's
my
letter?” She put fists on her hips. “Since the day you were born, I was no longer Mother's baby.”

ClaireLee was overtaken with fear, and she trembled before Mama.
I've got to get out of here.

“When I was your age,” Mama said, “I had nothing this beautiful. I only had
two
old dresses and a faded button-less jean jacket.”

ClaireLee was sure if she spoke, she'd irritate Mama even more. Now, Mama held up the plum velvet. “My rich cousins gave me their worn hand-me-downs.”

ClaireLee hugged a pale-blue dress with a flower pattern, wishing she was anywhere but there.

“A group of smart-alecks at my school snickered behind their hands at me.” Mama's mouth twisted in scorn. “They taunted me with their song. ‘You poor, poor, poor white trash.'” She jerked the pale blue from ClaireLee. “Pretty, pretty. You have enough clothes for two little girls.”

“Little girls?” ClaireLee gripped her knees. “I'm no longer a baby.”

“You are selfish.” Mama tossed the dresses into the box and kicked the box with the side of her foot. “Who, with a right mind, needs all these? What's wrong with the clothes I made you?”

“I didn't ask Nana for them.” ClaireLee raised her chin. “How could I be selfish?”

Mama dug in the box again and waved around another dress. “Some needy girl would like this beauty.” She dropped the garment on her lap and gave ClaireLee a lopsided smirk. “I gotta admit. Mother's got taste.”

ClaireLee reached for it, but Mama's eyes—stone-cold slits—challenged her. Even though she had never seen this side of Mama, ClaireLee understood with clarity the warning. She trembled. “
Mama
, please.”

“Where's your good-girl attitude, ClaireLee?” She wagged her head like a spoiled child. “Don't you see? A true gift requires sacrifice.”

Heart pounding beneath her ribs, ClaireLee grabbed the dress sleeve.

Just as fast, Mama reached.

Their eyes locked.

Two different hands clawed the material.

Uselessly, ClaireLee glanced about, wanting someone to help stop Mama's craziness. Lolly sat at the kitchen table, sucking on two fingers, and her lashes fluttered over closed eyes.

ClaireLee pulled the dress taut between them. “Stop. They're my gifts.” Mama yanked, but ClaireLee clenched her fist, until. . .
rrrrrip.
She sucked in a shuddering breath.

In a mocking tone, Mama said, “What makes you
think
you can have these? Oh, I see, because they're from your
nana
?”

Glaring at Mama would only make everything worse, so ClaireLee kept a straight face. Mama's lip curled, and ClaireLee let go. She scooped up the remaining dresses. “You can't just take them from me.”

“Who do you think you're talking to?” Mama screamed.

With knees quivering, ClaireLee stood. “I don't know anymore.”

Mama's face sagged. “What do you mean by saying this, honey?”

Clutching her dresses tighter, ClaireLee said, “Mama, don't you see how you're acting?” She escaped into the bathroom and shoved her backside against the door. Sliding to the floor, she pounded knuckles on her thighs. “I hate this.”

Footsteps passed the bathroom, and Mama's bedroom door slammed. Lolly and Feather bawled as though their world ended.

Cradling her knees on the cold linoleum, ClaireLee knew hers was shattered.
I've lost my mother.

When it seemed safe to leave the bathroom, she grabbed her Bible from under her pillow. She walked past Lolly, who sat on the bed and sniffed on leftover tears. ClaireLee's first thought was to glare at her little sister for telling Mama about their secret.
None of this is Lolly's fault.
Out the door and on the river's path, her boots pounded the pine-needled trail.

On the river at the steep bank, she held her Bible in one hand and slammed rocks into the rapids with the other. The Rushing River roared in her ears, while rock after rock plunged into the deep pit. Rocks, which had been on the ground for hundreds of years, now lay cold on a watery bottom. ClaireLee controlled their fate. It satisfied her to control something. Anything.

Her hand shook beneath her Bible.
I need help.
ClaireLee's eyes searched across the river at the opposite side. “I'll swim and run away.” Then, she remembered what Belinda said about her dad drowning in the Rushing.
It's too fierce for swimming.

“Why can't Mama be like Ma Ingalls?” Questions like this didn't have answers. With her mind as dull as mud, she edged closer to the white water. It called to her, and so did a feathered creature. A Steller's jay scolded from a branch somewhere behind her. Was this
her
jay?

Edging closer, the river's spray soaked every inch of her. A sudden flap of wings erupted overhead, and a voice from the trail called, “Sissy Pie? I'm sorry.”

ClaireLee spun round on her boot heels.

“I
need
you, Sissy Pie.”

Trees grew more vivid, as did the ferns and rocks. She hugged the Holy Bible, shivering. The more she tried to control the shakes, the bigger they grew.

“Sissy Pie?” The voice chirped. “I want
youuu
.” Stumbling from the thicket-hidden path, Lolly reached her arms for ClaireLee. She knelt in response to Lolly's need for her. Lolly hurled herself into her big sister and said, “Hugs and kisses.”

Yes. Hugs and kisses
. She hung on to her baby sister's, and a sound floated upward, filling the air with song.

Lolly took a step back and scrunched her nose. “You're wet.” She patted her coat pocket. “I got your music.” Then, she pulled out ClaireLee's radio.

The song's words gripped ClaireLee around the neck. Her eyes settled over the water—at the clouds which were white cotton balls framed within blue sky. The singer's soprano voice sang, “While to God. . .”

Lolly's brows disappeared under too-long bangs, and ClaireLee realized she could no longer wait for Mama to trim Lolly's hair.
I'll have to do this, too.

Lolly's icy fingers touched ClaireLee's cheek. “Mama is bad, huh, Sissy Pie?” ClaireLee's tears trickled at this honest observation. Her little sister said, “What's wrong, honey baby?”

Lolly's dress pocket sang, “Savior, Savior, hear my humble cry.”

“What will happen to us?” ClaireLee got off her knee and sat on the leaf-impacted ground. “To you and the boys?”

“Boys are at the pond. I'm fine. Mama's not.” She pouted. “She cries bigger than you.” Lolly threw herself into ClaireLee's arms. “It's horibibble.”