Just Ask (14 page)

But I don't need to worry about that. And really, it's kind of a relief. I think getting involved with a guy would really complicate my life right now. Especially as I'm getting things back together with God and writing this column and just trying to enjoy life. I'm glad that there's not a boyfriend around to rock my boat. Speaking of messed-up relationships, listen to this “Just Ask” letter.

Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh, but this chick had it coming. I really wanted to mention something about
God, but just yesterday, my dad told me to be careful about using God for every answer. Now I think that's ridiculous, because more and more I'm thinking that God really is the answer to all our questions. Just the same, I tried to get what he was saying.

“Why, Dad?” I asked.

“The newspaper doesn't want to sound like it's forcing one kind of religion onto everyone.”

“Oh.”

“Personally, I wouldn't mind.” He smiled. “But maybe just lighten it up a little.”

“I still plan to pray about my answers,” I warned him.

“I don't blame you, Kim. I think that's the best way to go.”

So I'm trying not to come across as too preachy But at the same time, I don't want to sound heartless or mean. I guess it wouldn't hurt to look at my response to Rebound Girl one more time before I submit it. And maybe I should offer her some kind of warning about STDs.

Marissa has art with me, and we started sitting together a couple of weeks ago. It was about the same time I gave my heart to the Lord actually. And for some reason (I suspect it's God), I've really started to care about this girl. Oh, I'm well aware that she has a big chip on her shoulder, but I think she's really searching too.

Of course, Nat gets irritated at me for hanging with Marissa at all. But I think that might be a simple case of jealousy. Probably twofold since Nat's not only protective of our friendship, but she also knows that Marissa has as much of a crush on Cesar as Nat does. Although, Nat's not admitting this to anyone, well, anyone besides me.

“What made you decide to take art this year?” Marissa asked me today.

“I don't know. I guess I wanted to try something different.”

“Well, you seem to be pretty good at it.” She peered down at the charcoal sketch I was working on. “But then what else is new? You seem to be good at everything you do. Its not fair.”

I just shrugged, then looked over at her sketch. It was kind of murky and flat, but I didn't want to criticize. “Maybe it's an Asian thing,” I told her in what I hope sounded like a joking voice.

Marissa nodded. “Yeah, maybe so.”

I've been trying to come up with a creative way to tell Marissa about how I recommitted my life to God, but I want to be really careful not to preach at her. She gets preached at a lot and seems to really resent it. And I also remember how I felt just like that myself not too long ago. But I've been praying that God will give me the words.

“I think that Matthew Barclay likes you,” Marissa said after he passed by our table and made a positive comment about my sketch.

“Why?” I asked.

“I can just tell.” I followed Marissa's gaze back over to where Matthew went to sit at his table. For some reason he always sits alone. “Don't you think he's handsome?”

I nodded. “He reminds me of Ashton Kutcher.”

“Yeah. That's who it is. I've been trying to think of who he looked like.”

“But he's more of a serious Ashton Kutcher, you know? Not like the dork he plays on ‘That 70s Show.’”

“I wonder why he's so shy”

“Oh, I don't think he's shy, really,” I said. “I think he's just mature for his age. Like he doesn't want to get into all the regular high school stupidity. Plus, he's really into his art.”

“He's such a good artist.” The way Marissa said this, almost gushy, made me wonder if she could actually be getting a crush on Matthew now. Not that I'd blame her, since he's in the same category of good looking as Cesar. But even so, I think I felt a tiny twinge of jealousy, and maybe that was what gave me the nerve to do what I did next.

“He is a good artist,” I agreed. “And since he made a nice comment about my piece, I think I'll go return the favor.” And then I stood up and walked to the back of the room where I stood for a moment just looking at his charcoal sketch. He was working from a photo of an old man sitting on a bench, but his sketch took the image to a whole new level.

“You need something?” he finally said.

“No…” I slowly shook my head. “Man, Matthew, that is really, really good.”

He looked up and smiled at me. And when he smiled, I felt something inside of me starting to melt. “Thanks, Kim.”

“Seriously, Matthew. This is really good. I mean, hanging-in-a-gallery kind of good.” I actually put my hand on his shoulder now. “Do you realize how amazing this is?”

He looked back down at his sketch and just
shrugged. “I guess it's harder to see it for yourself.” He pointed to the man's back, “like all I can see is that it looks as if he's got a board under his coat. I didn't get the slump of his shoulders quite right.”

“Maybe, but you really got the expression of his face. And the mood of the weather, the dark clouds, the feeling of rain. Its like I'm there.”

“Cool.” He smiled again.

“Guess I better get back.”

I felt slightly stunned as I walked back to our table. I know it was partially because his art was really that good, but it was also because of the way he seemed to warm up to me. I guess I was equally amazed at myself and that it was that easy to start something.

Okay, I'll admit that I didn't really know that I'd started anything, I mean, besides a conversation. Not for sure anyway. But when class was over, Matthew asked me if I wanted to get a cup of coffee with him after school. Of course, I said yes.

“You're what?” demanded Natalie as I was quickly dropping her off at home.

“I'm meeting Matthew Barclay at the Paradiso for coffee.”

“When did this happen?”

“When did what happen?”

“You and Matthew?”

“It's not me and Matthew, Nat. We just talked a little in art, and he asked me to meet him for coffee. That's all.”

“But you look like it's more than that, Kim. You look all smiley and happy. Do you have a crush on him?”

I shook my head. “No. I mean, he's good looking and a great artist, but that's about all I know about him.”

“He's not a Christian.”

“How do you know?”

“I know.”

“Well, neither was I a few weeks ago. That doesn't really bother me.”

“It should.”

I sighed as I pulled in front of her house. “It must be nice to have all the answers, Nat.”

She frowned at me. “I'm not saying that.”

“What are you saying?”

“Just that I care about you, Kim. And I don't want to see you getting hurt by someone who doesn't know the Lord.”

I laughed. Did that mean it would be better to be hurt by someone who knew the Lord? “Well, don't worry. I'm sure that having coffee with Matthew should be relatively painless.”

And it was. We sat and visited about all kinds of things for more than an hour. I couldn't believe how many interests we had in common. I was also impressed with how intelligent he is. Why hadn't we gotten to know each other sooner?

“I'm glad we finally got to talk,” Matthew says as things were gearing down.

“Finally?”

“Yeah. I've been meaning to get to know you for a while.”

“Really? Why?”

“You just seemed interesting to me. I like that you're into music, and everyone knows you're smart. And then you started taking art and actually showed some talent. Well, I got to thinking this is a girl I should get to know.”

I smiled. “Cool.”

“Its like I've just realized that this is my last year in high school, and I've mostly kept to myself, you know?”

“I've noticed.”

“To be honest, I think I've looked down on people. Or maybe that was just my way of avoiding relationships.”

I nodded. “I think I've done the exact same thing.”

“Well, before this year started, I'd been thinking I should change that about myself. Like maybe I should lighten up a little and actually try to enjoy my senior year before it's all just a bad memory.”

“I think that's a great idea.”

He smiled again, and for the second time today, I felt myself melting a bit. “Thanks for meeting me here, Kim.”

“Thank you.”

“Can we keep this thing going, do you think?”

I kind of shrugged, unsure as to what he meant by this thing. “I don't know why not.”

“Cool. I guess I'll see you tomorrow then.”

And that was it. He didn't ask me to elope with him
or to have his baby. He didn't even ask me to meet him for coffee again. As I drove myself home, I had to wonder what Nat was so freaked about. In some ways, I was slightly disappointed. Oh, not by Matthew. Matthew is wonderful, but I'd actually hoped he might've asked me out or something. I'm not totally sure. But I do think he is one of the coolest guys I've met.

Yet at the same time I want to be careful. I do NOT want to start acting like Natalie or even Marissa. I hate when girls turn into mush over guys. I think it's degrading and unappealing, and I really don't ever want to go there myself.

The fact is, I've never fallen for a guy before. Not really. I suppose to be completely truthful, this has worried me some. Like what if I never meet a guy who I feel like that about? But I'm not even seventeen yet. There should be plenty of time. Right?

Suddenly I am wondering if this is going to be it. Is this going to be the first time that Kim Peterson falls for a guy? And right on the heels of that question, what if Matthew is only interested in a friendship?

I mean, that's one of the things Cesar said that he really likes about me—how easy I am to hang with just as a friend. So I am feeling slightly freaked—like what if that's all any guy ever sees in me? What if they all just think I'm the kind of girl they should be friends with? Nothing more. And this reminds me of a letter that I got this week. Maybe I'll learn something about myself if I answer it.

Okay, even as I wrote this I wondered if I needed to take my own advice. Still, I wasn't sure, and I knew without a doubt that I wasn't going to tell Matthew that I really like him and that I hope he'll ask me out. I'm not that desperate—or stupid. But I decided to call Natalie.

“Do you think guys think I'm attractive?” I asked her right off.

“What?” Of course, she would start laughing.

“I'm serious, Nat. Do you think I do enough to show my feminine side? I mean, you just got your hair cut and highlighted, and you've been looking so great lately. Maybe I should do something too.

“What do you mean? Are you thinking about cutting and highlighting your hair? I don't know if that would look so great on you. And besides, your hair is so pretty the way it is, all glossy and straight.”