Just Ask (12 page)

“So what'd you think?” Cesar asked me as he drove me home. His voice sounded kind of tentative, like he was worried that I'd hated it.

“I thought it was pretty cool.”

He looked surprised. “Really?”

“Yeah. I guess I was just feeling bummed because Natalie and I had a little, uh, fight today.”

“You and Natalie had a fight?” He sounded incredulous.

“It was really just a misunderstanding.” Then I can't believe how I went ahead and told him the whole story. Well, not the WHOLE story. I never mentioned that the section in the diary was about him. Natalie would never forgive me for doing something that stupid. Anyway, he just ended up laughing about it.

“Girls freak over some pretty lame stuff,” he finally said.

“I know, but I'm going to end it tonight. I plan to e-mail Nat as soon as I get home and tell her I'm sorry.”

“That's cool.”

Then I thanked Cesar for inviting me to youth group and told him I thought I'd like to come back again. “But you don't have to give me a ride,” I said quickly. “I'm perfectly able to drive myself.” Like I wanted him to know I wasn't hitting on him or anything.

“Hey, no problem. I practically drive by your house to get there anyway.”

Now this really threw me. Was he saying that he wanted to give me rides to youth group? And if so, why? The whole thing made me feel pretty uncomfortable, and I finally just laid my cards on the table.

“You know, Cesar,” I began, feeling dumb but desperate to avoid any further misunderstandings. I'd already had more than enough for one day. “I, uh, I'm not really interested in going out with you or anything. I mean, I think it's cool to be friends, and I really love talking to you and I, uh… “

He laughed. “I feel exactly the same way, Kim. I'm still not into dating, and I think it's cool to just be friends.”

“Seriously?”

He pulled into my driveway. “I give you my word. I just like being around you, Kim. And I like talking to you
too. And I really appreciate that you're not trying to hook up with me or anything. It's like we totally understand each other in that regard.”

Suddenly I was smiling. “Yeah, that's how I feel too.”

Then he reached out like he wanted to shake my hand. “So it's a deal then?”

“Huh?”

“That we'll be okay hanging together and just being friends?”

I nodded with enthusiasm as I shook his hand. “I'm totally cool with that.”

And then I felt so relieved that we made things perfectly clear; I really did like the idea of being good friends with Cesar. But at the same time, I was pretty worried about Nat. And if she saw Cesar's pickup, I knew I'd have some explaining to do.

Since it was kind of late for a phone call (my parents don't like me to use the phone after eleven), I followed through with my plan to e-mail her, hoping she would be online and we could do instant messaging. But she didn't seem to be there. So I told her I was sorry and that our fight was stupid and that I thought her hair looked totally awesome. I did not, however, mention seeing Cesar tonight, not that I'm trying to hide it from her, but I hope and pray she wasn't watching and that I can explain that in person later.

Then, since I was still one response short, I decided to answer another letter for the column. And this cry for
help had been nagging me the last couple of days. I wanted to make sure that it was answered in Tuesday's edition. The letter was very short, but I felt worried my answer won't be. First I prayed and asked God to give me the right words.

Natalie is finally speaking to me again. But just barely, and only after Cesar convinced her that he and I are NOT dating. She did see him picking me up on Saturday night, after all, and naturally she assumed the worst. She totally ignored me on Monday and even drove herself to school. Then on Tuesday, after I begged Cesar to set her straight, he told her he didn't want to date anyone— period. And that he and I were only JUST friends. But then she was all bummed about the nondating thing.

“Why does he want to be friends with just you?” she demanded as I gave her a ride home yesterday.

“It's not just me. It's just that he doesn't want a girlfriend.”

“It's like he doesn't even like me,” she complained. “And I think about him all the time, Kim. It's like the
more he pushes me away, the more I want to pursue him. Do you think I'm going crazy?”

“No.” I laughed. “I just think you've got a really bad crush.”

She sunk down into the passenger seat and moaned. “It's not fair.”

“Who said anything is supposed to be fair?”

“I mean, that he's okay hanging with you, and that he wants to take you
to
youth group and everything.”

“Nat,” I tried to keep my voice patient. “It's probably because he knows I don't have a crush on him. Or maybe he just thinks of me as someone who needs to be taken to youth group, like the needy new convert, you know? A charity case.”

This seems to settle her down, but after I drop her home, I got to wondering if that might be true. Maybe Cesar and Nat and even Chloe see me as this girl who's still wet behind the ears when it comes to God. And it's not that I'm not exactly I mean I'm not claiming to be something I'm not.

But this is how I feel. like I did turn my back on God for a while—maybe for several years even—but He was still hanging with me. And even when I came back to Him—as dramatic as it felt—well, it was sort of like turning a comer and walking through a door. A door that I needed to walk through. But it wasn't like my life changed all that dramatically. I mean, it's not like I was smoking crack or turning tricks. I wasn't even the kind of
kid who felt okay about lying, and things like cheating or stealing were just totally unacceptable.

And the thing is, I don't really want to take credit for being that way. I'd like to think that God had started something good in me back when I was a little kid, and even though I wasn't paying attention or actually trying to serve God, those things that I'd learned from my parents and from Sunday school were sticking with me. Is that weird?

And so, in some ways, it feels like I've just come back to the place where I always wanted to be but didn't know it. Except for one thing. And this is a very big thing. Now, more than ever before, God feels very personal to me. And when I pray I feel as if I'm really talking to Him and that He's really listening to me. It's like something really kicked into gear. And that's very cool.

I haven't really told anyone about this. I guess it's kind of hard to explain clearly. Especially when I think of how life-changing it was for guys like Jake and Cesar when they found God. I mean, they were into drugs and drinking and sex and who knows what else. For me, it was more like the next step. Not that it isn't life-changing or like it's just an ordinary thing, but it was almost as if it was inevitable.

Anyway, back to Nat. It's like she can't get past this Cesar crush, like today at lunch, it was as if she was mad at him.

“I want to know what you think is so wrong with dating?” she demanded almost as soon as she sat down at the table.

“Hello to you too,” said Cesar, tossing us both one of his best smiles. I'm sure he has no idea what that does to someone like Nat. Oh, well.

“Really, Cesar,” she insisted. “Tell me why you think it's so bad.”

“It's just not for me.” He opened a packet of crackers and then crumbled them into his chili.

“Why?”

I tried to give her my best warning look, like Nat, you're making yourself look like a fool right now, but this girl was not to be dissuaded.

“I feel like it's something God has told me to do,” he said simply, as if that should explain everything.

“Yeah, sure,” said Marissa. “God actually talks to you, does He?” She rolled her eyes.

Cesar smiled. “Yes, He does actually. Maybe not in an audible voice, but He has ways of making Himself heard.”

“And He told you not to date?” Marissa laughed. “Get over yourself, Cesar. No one wants to go out with you anyway. You probably just use this I-can't-date thing as a cover-up for all the girls who don't want to go out with you.”

“like you, Marissa?” teased Jake. “You've been hot on Cesar's trail for more than a year now.”

She narrowed her eyes, then shook her head. But I
could see Natalie watching her, and I wondered if Nat could see herself becoming like Marissa. It may be a good warning for her.

“So you're never going to date?” continued Natalie. “Like how will you know who to marry? Just draw her name out of a box?”

“Maybe God will tell him,” said Marissa.

Cesar seemed to consider this. “Well, getting married is probably a ways off. But Marissa is probably right. I'm sure God will show me who the right person is and what to do when the time comes.”

“Well, God hasn't told me to give up dating,” Jake said with a twinkle in his eye. “So if any of you girls are interested—”

“Yeah, right,” said Marissa. “We've heard that one before. God doesn't need to tell you to quit dating since no girl in her right mind would ever want to go out with you in the first place.”

I felt bad for Jake just then. “That's a little harsh.”

Marissa turned to me now. “Well, would you go put with him, Kim?”

I studied Jake, then smiled. “I might.”

“Really?” Jake suddenly looked way too interested.

“Well, I, uh, if I was into dating, that is.”

“Oh, no,” Marissa says dramatically. “Don't tell us that you've given it up too?”

I shrugged. “I guess I've never had to worry about it too much one way or the other.” I kind of laughed. “Guys aren't exactly lining up to go out with me.”

“You've dated before, Kim,” said Natalie. “You went out with Ryan Schaffer for a couple of months last year.”

I laughed. “And that was a big mistake.”

“See,” said Cesar. “Dating is highly overrated. I think we should all just agree to hang together as friends and do group things, you know.”

“You mean like go to church together?” Marissa says in a slightly mocking tone. “Or youth group or whatever it is you Christians are into these days.”

“Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it,” said Cesar.

“Yeah,” I added. “I went to youth group for the first time, and it wasn't bad.”

Just then Marissa spotted Spencer Abbott and waved him over to our table. “Oh, good,” she said. “There's a heathen just when you need him.”

I actually think it's pretty cool that we can hang with kids who aren't Christians and still get along. Okay, Marissa can be a little overwhelming at times, especially if she's in a snit about something. But I'm starting to discover that she's not always like that. And I can tell that there's a fairly intelligent girl beneath that don't-get-too-close exterior of too much makeup and hoochie-style clothes. In fact, I think I'd like to get to know her better. Chloe has told me that she prays for Marissa on a regular basis, and I think maybe I'll start doing the same.

“I can't stand her,” Natalie said as we left the lunch table.

“Huh?”

“Marissa,” she whispered. “She's such a downer, and
don't you think it's pathetic the way she can't leave Cesar alone?”

“Nat?” I turned and looked at her. “You don't leave him alone either.”

“Well, that's different. At least I'm a Christian. I mean, I can understand Cesar not wanting to date someone who's not saved. But he could at least consider dating me.”

“Oh, Nat.” I sighed as I dropped off my tray. I wanted to say, “Get a clue,” but what was the point?

Sometimes I wonder if the fact that Natalie's dad walked out on them has left her more vulnerable than before. Maybe she sees Cesar as some sort of replacement. I know that sounds weird, but Cesar does have some admirable qualities, and Nat can't seem to quit thinking about him. It's like she's obsessed. I just wish she'd get over it. Cesar could be onto something about this nondating thing.

Oh, I don't believe God told me to make that kind of commitment myself. But I guess I'm open to it. On the other hand, it's not like guys are beating down my door for dates either. And I haven't really met anyone who makes me want to go out anyway.

Okay, there is this one guy (Matthew Barclay) in art class…he's easy to look at, very creative and intelligent, plus he seems deeper than most high school guys. But I seriously don't want to go there right now. Besides, Matthew probably doesn't even know I exist. He's never said more than “hey” to me. And that's fine.

Sometimes I secretly blame the lack of interest (from guys) on the fact that I am Asian. And there aren't many Asians in our school. And for whatever reason, I think this makes it easier for guys to kind of stay back. Or maybe it just makes me feel better to think this.

Natalie says it's because I intimidate guys. But I think she's just trying to make me feel better. I guess that's why I think it's pretty cool that Cesar is interested in being friends with me. It makes me feel like I fit in better. I suppose he might feel more comfortable with me because he's also a minority here. Although there are a lot more Latino kids than Asian. Even so, I suspect that Cesar knows what it feels like to be different.