Just Annoying! (6 page)

Now it's just me and the smirkers.

‘Can you give me a second?' I say. ‘I need to take a picture.'

I tiptoe out as far along the plank as I dare. I feel sick. I set the gnome up on the end. It's facing back towards the tower.

I return to the platform. I kneel down and point my camera at the gnome. I can hardly hold the camera still enough to take the photo.

‘Smile,' says one of the smirkers.

‘He looks like he's in pain,' says the other.

‘Maybe his pants are too tight.'

They crack up laughing again. Maybe
their
pants are too tight.

I take a few shots and tiptoe back out onto the plank to retrieve my gnome. I crouch down to pick him up. I'm trying not to look at the pool below in case I get any more dizzy than I already am. I place my hand on his hat. As I stand up he seems to jump.

I lose my balance and slip. I grab the end of the diving board. I'm hanging by one hand. The gnome has fallen over onto his side. His head is sticking over the edge of the board. Staring at me. But it's not a look of pain on his face any more. That's a smile.

I'm slipping. I'm only holding on by two fingers.

Oops.

Make that one finger.

I can't hold on any more. I'm falling. I hit the water belly first. But I'm alive. I push my way back up to the surface. Spitting and choking.

I look back up at the board.

The gnome is plummeting towards me. He's not content with making me fall, now he's trying to knock me out. He wants to drown me.

WHOOOMP!

The gnome does a fantastic pin drop into the centre of the pool and sinks straight to the bottom.

A woman starts screaming and pointing at me.

‘Guard! A small child has fallen into the pool!'

‘I'm not that small,' I call.

The guard dives into the pool. But he doesn't try to save me. He dives down to the bottom of the pool and emerges with the gnome in his hand.

He is not happy.

‘Is this yours?' he says.

‘Yes,' I say.

‘Would you mind explaining what he's doing in here?'

‘Swimming?' I say.

‘Do you realise that garden gnomes are banned from the pool?' he says.

 

‘It doesn't say that on the sign,' I say.

‘It shouldn't have to,' he says. ‘It should be obvious.'

He hands it back to me.

‘Get rid of it.'

The smirkers are laughing as I leave.

Maybe this whole thing was their fault. Maybe I fell off the board because they bounced on it while I was trying to get the gnome. Maybe it was them who kicked it off afterwards. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

Maybe.

I'm lying in bed.

The night is still and hot.

I can't sleep.

I hear the high-pitched whine of an approaching mosquito. I wait until it gets really loud. It stops. I can feel it on my forehead. I bring my hand up slowly. I whack my head with my open palm. The whining starts up again as the mosquito retreats to the roof. Just like the other forty times.

I can't stop thinking about the gnome.

Before I went to bed I wrapped him in a plastic bag and fastened it with fat rubber bands. I buried him down the bottom of my case under all my clothes. I locked the case and pushed it under the bed.

He would have to be Houdini to get out of there.

But I'm still scared.

He tried to kill me this afternoon. I think. In fact I'm positive. Sort of.

I hear a noise.

It sounds like somebody knocking.

‘Come in,' I call.

But nobody comes.

I hear the knocking again. I get out of bed and open the door. Nobody there. Am I going mad?

I get back into bed.

More knocking.

It's not the door at all.

It's coming from under the bed.

I hear the locks of the suitcase click open.

I can't believe it.

This is crazy.

A concrete garden gnome wrapped in plastic secured by fat rubber bands cannot open a suitcase. Especially not from the inside.

I close my eyes and try to go back to sleep.

 

But I can't sleep.

I hear rustling.

This is ridiculous.

I grab my torch and jump out of bed. I shine the torch under the bed at my case. It's locked. I knew I was imagining it. I just had to check.

I switch off the torch and get back into bed.

I turn onto my side and try to relax.

I'm just on the edge of falling asleep when I hear the mosquito.

I swipe at it. Miss. It returns. I swipe again. The back of my hand hits something hard under the sheet. I pull the sheet back. It's the gnome. Lying on his side. Staring at me.

I grab him and throw him against the wall with super-human strength.

The gnome bounces off the wall and lands back on the bed.

I pick him up again and throw him even harder.

This time he doesn't return.

I grab my torch and shine it at the floor.

The gnome is broken in two. His head has come off his body. I pick up the two pieces. I take them to the back door and throw them as far away from the house as I can.

I go back to bed.

The nightmare is over.

The next morning I get up and go to the kitchen.