July (The Year of The Change Book 1) (13 page)

The others were talking and laughing out of sight, around the corner in the kitchen, so I went straight to the frilly bedroom Tam and I would share for two long nights. Bandit stayed by my side. The thought of being here for such a long time weighed heavy on my mind. I let the bags drop harder than I intended. Tiredness enveloped me - not physically - emotionally. I needed to rest my weary heart somewhere, but where?

The girly domain was so perfect. I didn’t want to disturb the little pink room. Not even the little lacy padded stool in front of the vanity. It looked like it might break if I plopped down. I needed somewhere I couldn’t hurt. On the other side of the bed, there was a small area not blocked by something cutesy. With my back to the wall, I slid to the floor. There was just enough empty wall space for me to rest my head. Bandit lay beside me and put his big head in my lap. Petting his back helped me not to give in to my dark thoughts - something I found almost impossible to do these days with the overwhelming quantity of them.

My eyes closed. I concentrated on breathing deep and forcing the tears into the closet, in the back of my brain, with everything else I couldn’t do anything about. After great effort, I could say I was calm, with the mental closet door firmly closed and locked … I hoped.

Footsteps alerted me. They were too quick to be
hers,
so I relaxed. Tam stuck her head in and spotted me mostly hidden behind the bed. With a smile she came in and shut the door behind her. In her hand were two sandwiches and a bottle of water poked out of her pocket.

She carefully stepped over Bandit and handed them to me. “Aunt Betty was worried you might be hungry.”

I took them grudgingly. I didn’t want anything
she
was offering. I thought about feeding them both to the eager Bandit. My stomach chided me. I stared at them in my lap not really seeing past my anger for
her
.

“Thanks, Tam.” I tore off a piece of the sandwich and gave it to Bandit, the idea still there despite my noisy tummy.

Tam plopped down beside me. “Aunt Betty knows all about The Change.”

I huffed.

“She understands about your appetite, too.”

I bit into the sandwich and had trouble swallowing over the lump in my throat. Of course
she
would know about the out of control appetite and all the other stuff that went on when my grandmother suffered through this. She was the one who hated Grandmother for it and made it worse for her. I could feel the heat of my scowl as it radiated. I hated
her
for it. Gram had taught me it was wrong to hate anyone, nonetheless the force of the broiling emotion had me overwhelmed. It seemed like everything had me dazed these days.

Tam shifted, leaning against the bed. “It’s kinda nice having someone to talk to about it. Mom and Dad are asking her all kinds of questions right now.”

"
She
doesn't know anything even if she does know.
She
forfeited that right when she was mean to Gram." I pushed the rest of the sandwich into my mouth so I didn’t have to talk about this.

Tam was quiet while I sulked. I pinched off a corner of the second sandwich for Bandit, who swallowed it whole. I took a bite. The bread was sliced thick and there was extra meat piled high with lettuce and tomato. I wondered if the first sandwich had been the same. I didn’t remember eating it. It was like that with most things I ate these days. I ate so much it was like breathing: I breathed. I didn’t contemplate it.

Tim came to the door and peeked in. “Hey, Aunt Betty wants you two to come meet her grandson and his friend.”

I glowered up at him. It figured
she
would be inconsiderate and inflict boys on me. Sure she knew all about The Change. She also knew about all the things that would make it harder, too.

Tam stood and looked down at my petulant expression. “Come on, Sylv, be nice.”

I grimaced. What was my world coming to if my little sister was teaching me how to behave? I really had sunk to a new low. Downing the last of the water I stood. I was going to make it through this even if it killed me.

I nudged Tam’s arm. “Quit growing up.”

At first she just stared at me. As it dawned on her, she smiled. I pushed a grin onto my face for her benefit.

My shaggy shadow panted behind me as I followed the twins to the kitchen. The room was large and bright. It wasn’t as well stocked as Gram’s kitchen had been. It smelled of yeast and flour so my stomach approved.

My stomach was a traitor and would approve of anything eatable.

Sue scrunched up her nose. “Who let the dog in?” Sue didn’t like dogs of any kind. Big, hairy and smelly dogs she
really
didn’t like.

It was almost impossible to hide Bandit behind my skinny legs. It didn’t matter, as he would have none of that. His huge head stayed in full view with his big tongue hanging out, panting. Sue and Dad gave me a dirty look.

When
she
spoke, I kept my eyes stubbornly on Bandit. “Don’t worry about it, Sue. I trust Sylvia to keep Bandit out of trouble.”

Yeah,
she’d
probably love to have something to blame on me. Just like I was positive she used to do to her sister when they were kids. I would make sure I didn’t give her the satisfaction.

The boys went unnoticed at first, because they stood by
her
and I was avoiding looking at
her
. It was inevitable, and I reluctantly turned my attention towards them. Even in my peripheral vision,
she
tied my stomach in knots and loosened my control on the tears that rattled the closet door.

I pushed
her
out of my mind and concentrated on the boys. One was a couple of inches shorter than me with thick, sandy brown hair framing a round, bright face with a wide smile. I sighed to myself.
Too friendly.

She
made the introductions. “This is my grandson, Jimmy.” She indicated the short blonde.

“Hi” I kept my eyes away from
her
. The twins were more hospitable, once again showing me how I should behave.

“This is Jimmy’s friend, Rob. He helps Jimmy tend my sheep.”

My eyes jumped over her and landed on a boy about six feet tall with dark brown hair buzzed short. His dark brown eyes reminded me of James Dean’s angry hound dog eyes. Like James Dean, everything about him screamed dangerous. From his thick goatee, to the stud in his ear, all the way to his tattoos … this was one boy I would gladly avoid. Just looking at him frightened me. I mumbled a hello and looked away. Rob did the same.

It was still too early to yawn and excuse myself for the night, so I was stuck having to socialize.

Jimmy walked over and ruffled the twins’ hair before he stopped in front of me. He was nice and being friendly suited him. “Grandma has put me in charge of entertaining you three. There’s not a whole lot to do here, but we’ll show you around and introduce you to everyone.” His eyes were clear, no sign of being affected.

I noticed the ‘we’. The two boys were a package deal. His friend hung back frowning. He let Jimmy lead as though being here was the last thing he wanted to do. I knew how he felt. Perhaps I could feign being ill.

“Tomorrow morning you guys can go with us to move the flock, and tomorrow night I have a baseball game.” Jimmy led us out of the kitchen. “You’ll come, won’t you?”

He must’ve been eager to show off a few new faces to his friends, anything to alleviate small town boredom.

The twins were up for the game and Jimmy turned to me to make sure it was unanimous.

I shrugged. “Yeah, sure, it sounds like fun.” I plopped into an overstuffed chair and looked at my hands. If I was smart, I wouldn’t go. I didn’t want to be the strange girl that everyone gossiped about for the next year. Most of all, I didn’t want to look into another set of eyes I couldn’t have. Calvin and Kevin’s faces floated in my mind.

I tried to find a smile for Jimmy, I was all out. Bandit sat at my feet with his head on my knees, the warmth of his body was comforting. Running my fingers through his shaggy hair disturbed his odor and it swirled around my nose. He really needed a bath.

My cousin sat on the couch with the twins, his bright eyes shining as he talked about the sheep. I tuned them out.

Rob stood off to the side … here … but not a part of us. He made me nervous the way he scowled at nothing in particular and everything at the same time. He clinched and unclenched his fists which made his muscles bulge. I was sure hoping he didn’t become affected, afraid of what he might do. Not just to me, but any of the guys who might -- who would -- show an interest. I shivered at the thought of someone getting hurt because of me. I had less than half a year before I didn’t have to worry about everyone around me -- five and a half long months. It might as well be five and a half decades.

Tim asked Jimmy about his team and that was all my cousin needed to become animated.

"We're ranked second in our division, but we're really better than the first ranked team."

Jimmy talked so much with his hands that I forget to listen while I watched their motions.

"Tomorrow, we play the first ranked team. The top of their lineup is really strong. Because of recent injuries …" He held back a grin, and glanced at Rob. "… The bottom of the line is weak."

Rob chuckled and surprised me with a smile on his face.

"The other team is full of themselves and too cocky. I can't wait to beat them and put them in their place." He ruffled Tim's hair.

Jimmy was competitive like me and I could understand his eagerness. Being around him helped my mood -- a little. If we could come up with enough stuff to do away from the house, this wouldn’t be too bad. Away from the house meant away from my bodyguard -- and if Jimmy became affected along with Rob -- I shuddered.

I would have to pretend to be sick and stay in that awful girly room.

The adults came into the living room and interrupted Jimmy telling us about his saint of a coach. My mood took a nose dive when I saw
her
face again.
She
had the same shaped eyes and contagious smile as Gram. I quickly looked away, I wasn’t going to get sucked into her smile like I used to with my grandmother.

She
told the boys it was time to go. I was glad Rob was going, but I liked Jimmy being here. It felt comfortable with him and hoped he wouldn’t be too affected. I knew before the thought got all the way across my brain that the hope was in vain. They were always affected. All the same, I could tell we were going to get along. Maybe I could put the twins between him and me and him between me and
her
so I wouldn’t have to deal with
her
. Convoluted, I know, but it made sense to me.

Rob was already at the door.

Jimmy rose and widened his smile. "Well, we'll see you tomorrow. You guys don't sleep late like a bunch of city kids do you?" He teased with a twinkle in his eyes.

The twins assured him we'd be up bright and early.

"Okay." He ruffled Tim’s hair one more time. "Bye."

Rob grunted something as he escaped out the door. I was glad to see them go.

When they were gone
she
turned to me before I could escape to the bathroom or the closet in the pink room to hide.

She cleared her throat. “I’m sorry about that.”

I stopped moving, and didn’t say anything as I pretended to examine an old tin type photo on a shelf.

“I didn’t realize you were sixteen already. If I’d known, I would’ve told Jimmy to come alone.”

She
piqued my curiosity.

“Why alone?” Still I didn’t look at her.

“Because Jimmy won’t be affected, so he won’t cause you any trouble.”

Now, she had my full attention. “Why won’t Jimmy be affected?” I’d lost interest in the old photo, nonetheless, I didn’t turn around.

“He’s related. Males in our family aren’t affected. I don’t know why. Grandmother Davis didn’t know, either.”

That was a good piece of information. Since I didn’t have any male relatives other than my dad and Jimmy, I couldn’t use the information after we left here. I filed it away with all the other useless junk in my head.

“I’m surprised Anne didn’t tell you that …” Her voice trailed off.

A growl smoldered in the back of my throat. How dare she say anything against Gram! I held the anger back and moved to another old picture on another shelf putting me closer to the small hallway. I waited for my chance to bolt.

Her voice sounded far away. “But of course she didn’t have much time, did she?” She was in deep thought and I knew the question wasn’t meant for me.

My closet door rattled with tears that wanted out.

“I was surprised how well Rob did.”
She
chuckled. “I shouldn’t be so surprised though, Rob's such a good boy.” Her voice cradled his name with affection.

My jaw dropped and I turned to look at her incredulously. Was she out of her mind?

Looking at her was the wrong thing to do. She had the same pixie smile that Gram did. The closet door rattled fiercely. I turned on my heel and moved swiftly to the bathroom. I closed and locked the door quietly. Turning on the room fan I grabbed a towel and climbed into the tub. With my face buried in the soft terry cloth I curled into a ball, intent on soaking it thoroughly.

I wasn’t sure how long I was in there. One by one everyone came to the door and tried to get me to come out. It was a good thing there was another bathroom in the house because I wasn’t budging. Even Bandit came and whimpered at the door.

It was either because I cried myself out or because my warm shadow, Bandit, was concerned for me, which finally dried my eyes. I climbed out. With the damp cloth I wiped where my shoes left dirt. I rinsed out the towel and laid it on the side of the tub to dry.

Bandit was waiting for me when I opened the door. No one else was in sight, so I knelt and petted him. His tail wagged him as I stroked his fur. The house was quiet except for Dad’s voice as he tucked Tim into bed, on the living room couch.

Before scurrying to the pink room I turned off the bath room light and fan. I wanted to be pretending to be asleep before Dad could catch up and chew me out.

Tam was in bed, reading a book, waiting for me. She sat up and watched me close the door once my shadow was in. I went to my suitcase and dug out my nightgown.

“Are you okay, Sylv?”

I shrugged. “Yeah.” I sniffled and breathed deep.

At least I thought I was okay -- as okay as I was going to be this year. The tears were all used up for now. I didn’t doubt there were lots more being manufactured as we spoke, just like the Replicators on my favorite sci-fi show, ‘Stargate’.

Tam pulled a decorative pillow into her lap and played with the fringe. “It’s real hard to see Aunt Betty and not think of Gram. Mom said it makes you sad. Why does it make you so sad?” Her voice was layered with concern.

I really didn’t want to have this discussion. I wanted to go to bed and try to block this all out. If I couldn’t block it out then I just wanted to shed those replicator tears until I fell asleep. I did that a lot since my wonderful grandmother died. It had become a part of my bedtime routine. Brush my teeth? Check. Put my nightgown on? Check. Cry myself to sleep? Check. This all had become very normal for me.

Tam wouldn’t let up until I answered her question, which, of course, would lead to other questions that I didn’t want to answer.

“It makes me sad because I miss Gram and I know she’s never coming back.”

The silly tear replicators stung my eyes. They sure were quick little buggers. I undressed with my back to Tam just in case they escaped.

“Mom says that we’ll see her again when it’s our turn to go to heaven.”

I shuddered a breathe, willing the tears to recede. “That’s an awful long time, Tam.” I slipped my gown over my head. “’Sides, I need her here, now.” There were a lot of things I needed. It was obvious what I needed was very low on the priority list. Somewhere below buying a Porsche and owning a yacht.

Tam shifted and flipped the covers back on my side of the bed. “Aunt Betty is here and she understands.”

I huffed and plopped on the bed quickly pulling the covers over and rolling to my side with my back to her. “
She
doesn’t understand and
she’s
not Gram.”