July (The Year of The Change Book 1) (12 page)

“No matter how frustrating he can be, he’s a safe place to vent because you know he can handle it and will still love you.”

The page turned.

Mark stared with his mouth open, slowly shaking his head.

“I learned about this from a psychology class Sue insisted I take.”

It was kind of cool to realize I’d actually learned something from it. The funny part was why I could I see the very pages I needed to help Mark. Was this part of The Change? It had to be.

“When you figure out what you’re
really
mad about, you’ll be able to deal with it and then you can be happy.” I read that part almost per word from the text book in my mind.

Mark stood perfectly still staring at something in the distance or deep in his mind, I couldn’t tell. That hadn’t been as bad as I thought it would be. I put my arms around him and gave him a hug. Not a smart thing to do, but I’m a hugger and couldn’t help myself.

“I accept your apology. I hope you figure this out soon. You deserve to be happy.” I liked hugging Mark.

It wasn’t easy to snap out of it and control myself. When I pulled back, his eyes were wide and his mouth hung open. I might have overdone it. He reached to hug me back. I stepped away.

“We’d better let Kevin have his turn or we’ll be here all day.” If he hugged me I wasn’t sure I would be willing to leave.

Mark forced a smile. “I’m going to miss you, Sylv.”

“Yeah, I’m going to miss you too. I won’t have anyone to frown at me in Alaska.” I teased.

His lips lifted on one side.

I poked his arm. “You could email once in a while, let me know how it’s going in corn filled Nebraska.” It would be nice hearing from Mark and civilization.

“Yeah, once in a while wouldn’t be
too
bad.” He nodded.

We laughed. He put his hands in his pockets and leaned over and gave me a peck on the cheek. He smiled one more time before he headed for the barn.

Kevin quickly joined me. I wondered how his apology would go.

He watched as his brother disappeared around the house. "Mark sure looked happy when he left."

"I wouldn't say he was happy, but hopefully he’s better." How’d I pull up that text book that I’d grudgingly read? I could barely remember the title of the book when I took the test. It must be The Change.

Kevin smoothed a strand of hair from my face. "After talking to you, how could he not be?"

I blushed and basked in the compliment. "Thank you."

"First, I want to apologize for taking you on the drive. I really didn't think your dad would get so mad. My dad said he paced like a caged animal. So, I'm sorry about that."

I shrugged. “That’s already old news and forgotten, next.”

"Next I want to apologize for coming to your window. My dad’s right, it was stupid. I shouldn't have kept you up."

I smiled at the memory of our conversation. “I’m not sorry you came. I enjoyed talking to you.” He started to say something when I cut him off. "Your dad is right though, we shouldn’t have. All the same, I still enjoyed it.”

His broad smiled made my stomach flip a few times. I looked away and regained control of myself.

"Also, I should have handled Mark better. I used to be the one who pushed his buttons, but lately he sure has learned how to push mine. I'm sorry you had to see that."

I shrugged slightly, not knowing what to say.

“I just don’t know why he’s so mad at me.”

Guys are really blind to the emotional side of their lives.

“He’s not mad at you.” I assured him.

He looked doubtful. “He’s not? He sure fooled me.”

“He’s not sure what or who he’s really mad at. You’re just the one he trusts to explode with.”

Kevin was a good person to trust. I wanted to trust him. I wanted a lot of things. Unfortunately, this year was not the time.

“Oh, really, and he told you all of this?” His crooked smile returned and he eyed me …
too friendly
. My knees felt weak.

I blushed. “Not in so many words, but yes.” Why did he have to make me feel this way?

“
Hmph
… I’ll have to think on that. Is that what you two talked about, that had Mark
not
frowning?”

A giggle escaped. “I guess so.”

The wind gusted and he reached over and brushed the hair out of my face. I tucked it behind my ear before he could. My resolve was getting weak.

Kevin sighed and looked sad. “I wish we had more time.”

I wished we could have all summer together … once again, not this year. “It would’ve been nice, but Alaska calls and my dad won’t let it just keep ringing.” I tried a laugh, but it was hollow even to my ears.

Kevin reached out to stroke my hair again, just as Randy walked up. Saved by the kid brother.

Randy looked sternly at Kevin. “You’re time’s up.”

Kevin zapped his little brother with a scorcher frown that a weaker sibling would have wilted under. I used the awkward moment to my advantage. I put my arms around Kevin and gave him a hug.

“Bye Kevin.” I let go quickly.

Unlike Mark though, he didn’t hesitate and hugged me back before I could move away. He held me a little tighter than he should’ve. I saw my dad flinch once more and lean towards us. He looked as though he might dash over to be my knight-in-shining-armor. Sue put her hand on his arm and gave him one of her serious looks and shook her head. I was actually thankful for Sue at that instant. Another moment to enjoy the embrace might tide me over for a few hundred miles. He smelled as good as he felt. Kevin was affected and to his credit he let go when I did.

“Bye, Sylvia.” He looked long into my eyes and I memorized his. Maybe that memory would help me get through the rest of this year. I wished I had a camera or a cell phone to take a photo of his eyes to have when I was buried in snow and The Change was over and I was all alone. Sigh.

He put his arm around my shoulders to walk me back to my family.

Randy stopped us. “It’s my turn to apologize.”

I was puzzled. “What do you have to apologize for?”

Randy regarded his big brother, who looked as stumped as I was. As far as I could tell, Randy had behaved very well. Kevin took the hint and left.

When Kevin was a safe distance away Randy turned to me. “I want to apologize --”

This is ridiculous
. I interrupted immediately. “But you haven’t done anything wrong.” I hated the idea of sweet Randy having to apologize for anything that The Change was responsible for.

Randy gave me the cutest half smile. “I want to apologize for not being older so I could fight for your attention, too.”

My heart melted into a velvet pool and couldn’t help, but make a special room there just for Randy. He put his arms out for a hug and I gave him the biggest one I had and a peck on the cheek for extra measure.

When I pulled away, I tweaked his nose. “You are a charmer. I’m going to keep my little sister away from you.”

He grinned and did something I didn’t expect. He reached over to the daisies growing by the pond and picked one. He handed it to me. ”Bye, Sylvia.”

I sucked in a deep breath and wondered if the Beck boys were taught or did they have a special ‘Charmer’ gene. As I took the flower my throat choked up. I would definitely keep Tam away from Randy until she was at least eighteen, maybe twenty-one.

That reminded me. “Oh Randy, I’m sure Tam would like a flower, too.”

He picked another before he offered his arm and walked me to the waiting van. With a big smile he presented Tam with the flower. She smiled so big I knew she wouldn’t be able to stop for most of the day. That smile might even last through tomorrow.

We loaded in the car amid farewells and wishes for safe travel. I rolled down my window and Kevin poked his head in to say good-bye. I leaned as far away as I could for fear he might try to kiss me. A part of me was afraid he wouldn’t. All of me tingled at his nearness.

Dad turned the key and put the car in reverse before Kevin pulled his head out. Dad slowly backed up and Kevin kept pace with his big strong hand on the window frame. When the car stopped to turn around he leaned in and kissed my cheek. I blushed, smiled, and hyperventilated all in the same moment. He stood back and waved as Dad headed our vehicle down the drive. I kept my window down and waved until I couldn’t see him anymore. As I was about to roll it up Mark galloped into view on his horse and cut across the field beside us. He waved his cowboy hat good-bye. I think I like Nebraska. Kevin was right about Oklahoma and Nebraska getting along. It truly must be a myth that the Texas Longhorns spread.

Dad’s Aunt Betty lived in New Bridge, Oregon. She’s Gram’s younger sister by one year, to the month. She was getting on in age and hadn’t been in the best of health for the last few years. Dad wanted to see her and wasn’t sure if he’d get another chance with the distance from Alaska.

She hadn’t been at Grandmother's funeral. Dad told me it was because of her poor health. I knew better. Gram had explained to me once that she and Aunt Betty didn’t have a close relationship. Betty had never understood The Change and thought Grandmother made it up. Gramps told me once that Betty had been jealous of all the attention her older sister received and angry that she was ignored. It had left a sour taste to their relationship. Grandmother tried to mend their broken bridges. However, her only sister hadn’t been interested.

Gram never said a bad word about her younger sister, and always felt she should’ve done more. The rift between them had been her one great regret. Gram loved her sister no matter what had gone wrong. Anyone who would treat the nicest woman on earth that way didn’t make my good list. I wasn’t looking forward to the visit.

Only rest stops, gas stations, and drive-thrus broke up the monotony of a very long two days drive across four states to get to Oregon. I was hungry, tired, hungry, cranky and hungry when we pulled into the small dusty town of New Bridge. It was dinner time and I’d wanted to stop at a dozen places we’d passed in the last hour.

In the waning light, all I saw was a small post office and a quaint little church nestled among the few houses and lots of trees. How could anyone live in such a small town? No stores, no movie theater, nothing as far as I could see.

Down another dusty road with uneven fields and fences, we came to a gold colored ranch style house perched on top of a hillock with a wide deck jutting off the front. To the right of the drive was a brown, dried out yard with more dirt than weeds and grass. Spread out bigger than the two stall garage partly hidden behind it, an aged walnut tree stood in the middle of the barren yard. To the left, past the house, were rolling fields, equally dry, with a small grove of trees beyond them at the bottom of a rise.

Dad slowed to read the name on the mailbox. “Stuart.” His voice declared we had the right place and my hope of not finding
her
house was dashed.

The driveway was long and steep as we crept up toward the well-lit dwelling. A large, shaggy, tan dog of questionable breed came out of nowhere and barked as it kept pace with us. Dad turned off the engine and took a deep breath. He didn’t look as excited about being here as he had earlier in the week. My hope rose again. Maybe he would change his mind and take us away from this awful person.

He breathed in deep and opened the door.

Once again my hopes were crushed. I was stuck having to be nice to her for two whole days.

Above the roar of my anger, I heard Gram’s beautiful voice. “
You should never hate
anyone. Forgiveness is the way to God, a path you should always strive to follow
.”

I grumbled at the sweet voice.
You don’t understand
. Unable to make myself leave the security of the minivan I gathered my stuff and cleaned up around me.

A lone Twizzler had fallen down beside my seat. I picked it up and stuffed the whole thing in my mouth. Sigh. I didn’t want to be here at the home of someone who hurt my grandmother. I didn’t care if she was old and I might never see her again. I didn’t want to see Gram’s hateful sister to begin with.

The others piled out, grateful to be released from the close confines of the van.

She
must’ve answered the door. The squeal of delight certainly wasn‘t Sue. They said hello and Dad introduced his family. I didn’t turn to watch what sounded like a very joyful reunion for
her
. I prolonged the time before I would have to acknowledge her and be respectful.

The large dog kept barking and even growled.

“Stop that Bandit! Get out of here.”
She
commanded and the noise stopped. “Sorry about that, but he doesn’t like strangers.”

Neither did I.

“Where’s Sylvia?”
She
was looking for me?

I pretended not to hear them and ducked down to pick up a small candy wrapper. I could’ve had the car looking spotless if Dad hadn’t called for me. Of all the times he’d forgotten I existed, why couldn’t he forget me now? Reluctantly, I opened the door, gathered my tote over my shoulder, and turned for the house. My whole body resisted the movement towards
her
, as if I waded through chest deep water.

The large dog came up and sniffed before wagging his tail. He nuzzled my hand with his cold, wet nose and I automatically petted his big shaggy head.

The others had gone in. Only Dad remained on the porch waiting for me. He knew I didn’t want to visit the woman. So, why did he frown at me as if it were my fault we were here? His sour look told me I’d better be on my best behavior. Of course, I would be polite – Gram taught me to always be respectful of elders -- on the other hand dad couldn’t make me like her.

Every light in the house must’ve been on. I stepped through the door into an inviting living room filled with a life time of photos and knickknacks. The aroma of fresh baked bread floated in the air, enticing me to follow it into the kitchen, which was around the corner just out of view. My stomach breathed in deep, and nearly swooned at the yummy aroma. I stood my ground, though, and refused to have any part of whatever
she’d
done that would never be as good as Gram’s.

Voices came from somewhere down a small hall. I tensed as they got louder. The twins came bouncing up to me.

Tam grabbed my hand. “Sylv, come see the room we get to sleep in.”

They dragged me down the hall and into a space that took us back in time. A double bed with a delicate, lacy pink bedspread crowned with an even lacier pink canopy. Fluffy pillows nestled into deep pink shams and an intricate off-white quilt lay across the footboard. Two windows graced either side of the bed with more lace and ruffles. A French Provencal dresser and chest of drawers stood guard against opposite walls. A matching vanity with a beautiful antique silver brush and comb set complete with perfume pumps and a gilded mirror waited for a frilly feminine girl to glide in and use it. A small crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling and cast glittery rainbows about the space.

Aware that my mouth was open, I closed it.

An old, soft voice broke my stunned awe. “This is the room Anne and I used to dream about having when we were young girls during the sixties. When my boys were all gone and my husband died, I decided I would create this. Do you like it?”

I wasn’t going to give
her
the satisfaction even if I did like it. I pulled up a shrug as I barely glanced over my shoulder, being careful not to look at her. “It’s nice.” Gram wouldn’t have liked this room. It was too frilly and extravagant.

I pretended to be engrossed in all the old photos on the walls. One caught my attention. In a carved silver frame two girls stood side by side in bell bottom jeans and peasant blouses. Their hair was long and straight. Their arms were around each other. In their teens, one was slightly shorter. They looked so alike they could’ve been twins.

“That was taken just before Anne’s sixteenth birthday.” She breathed softly. “Before everything changed.”

There was regret in her aged voice. There should be, she deserved it.

They were my grandmother and her younger sister Betty. I couldn’t stop myself from turning to look at her. When I did I gasped in shock. If I hadn’t known better, I would’ve sworn Gram had come back from the dead and stood, slightly stooped, before me.

It took me a minute or maybe it was two -- time meant nothing -- before I could speak. My mind knew this was not my grandmother. I’d said good-bye to her at the funeral home and watched her being lowered into the ground. All the same, my heart leapt for joy and screamed her name. The tears welled up and spilled over before I scrambled to regain control of my senses. “Gram?” I mouthed.

She smiled slightly.

I wanted it to be Gram and not her hateful sister Betty. Why did
she
have to pull this horrid trick on me? I looked through my tears for my father. He wasn’t there. No one was. They’d left me alone … with
her
! Bolting past
her
I ran the few steps down the hall and found them, the traitors, in the living room. I couldn’t see their expressions through the tears. The tallest was my father and I threw myself into his arms, burying my wet face in his shirt.

“I want to go home,” I whispered between quiet sobs.

“I know, Sylv, but home is now in Alaska and that’s where we’re headed.” He rubbed my back.

Alaska would never be home.

“That’s not what I meant.” I sobbed.

He hugged me. “I know, but we can’t go back to Oklahoma. ‘Sides, it would be rude to leave now.” He whispered back, his voice hardening.

It didn’t matter to him that I needed to be in Oklahoma. A long time ago I’d accepted the fact that my needs meant nothing. It didn’t make it any easier. Control was hard to obtain. I crammed the tears back down and smoothed the sobs. The room was quiet. My throat was in a knot and ached. This was another of those things I had no influence over and would have to let it roll off my back or lock it away. Last year I could’ve controlled my emotions. This year the tears had free reign. It was as though I didn't have power over anything, not even me.

I didn’t turn around when she entered. I dug for a tissue and wiped up what I could. The red in my face would take its own sweet time to go away. That would be the only sign of weakness I would let her have.

“I’m sorry I startled you, Sylvia.” Her voice may have been meant as gentle, but it sounded harsh next to my fading memory of Gram’s sweet voice.

With my back to her I shrugged. Dad nudged me and, grudgingly, I turned around keeping my eyes on the brown carpet. I didn’t want to see my grandmother’s face in hers. I just couldn’t go through it again.

There was a moment of silence before
she
spoke. “Well, then … is anyone hungry? I have fresh bread and lunch meat. There’s pie and sweat bread.” It seemed as though the question was aimed at me, or in any case my stomach took it that way, and gurgled. For once, no one laughed at my loud digestive system. Everyone stayed quiet for a moment, waiting for my response. I wasn't giving one.

The twins couldn't stay quiet for long.

"I want pie." Tim headed for the kitchen.

"I want sweet bread. Did you make banana, that’s my favorite." Tam was right behind him.

My stomach tugged at me to follow, it wanted both.

Sue snagged Tim as he passed her. "You two will have a sandwich first before we talk about dessert."

The twins protested. Sue would win that argument, she always did. At that moment I didn't care.

Dad put his arm around my shoulders and steered me towards the kitchen. I really didn’t want to go anywhere with
her,
even if I was starving. When we got near the front door, I shrugged out of his arm.

“I’m not hungry.” I lied and didn’t care if everyone knew it. I was always hungry. “I’m going to go get my suitcase.”

Before he could object, I slipped out the front door, closing it quietly behind me. I only hoped no one would follow, giving me time to breathe. Dad would be furious. That didn’t matter for the moment. He could punish me later. The walls had closed in and I needed air.

In the still night, I stood on the edge of the deck for a minute getting my bearings and wiping away some straggler tears. The large dog appeared at my side and leaned into my leg, nudging my hand. Without thinking I scratched behind his ear. He had a disgusting odor that only registered slightly in my crowded brain. My head reeled and had trouble concentrating.

The chilly breeze filled my lungs as I gulped for air. It was strange having the night so much colder than the day. In Oklahoma, July nights didn’t cool much. The temperature only reminded me how very far from home I was. A shiver quaked through me and I sat on the porch step. Wrapping my arms around myself, I rocked. I couldn’t be sure if I was trying to get warm or comfort. Either way, it didn’t work. Not wanting to go in, even for the warmth it would afford me, I knew there would be no comfort in
her
house.

The dog sat on his haunches and leaned into my side.
She’d
called him Bandit. He warmed me and comfort was found in stroking his dirty fur. Leaning down to hug him, his heartbeat under my hand set the rhythm of my thoughts as my head lay on his back. I wanted to go home. At the moment I didn’t have a physical one to go to. I sat up and leaned against the cold hard wood of the railing post. It didn’t help much in stemming the tide of tears that blurred my vision.

With a sigh, I straightened to look at the clear starry sky. “This isn’t fair, Gram. You’re supposed to be here not
her
.” A sob rumbled up my throat. “I can’t do this without you.”

I could just about hear her say, ‘
Work with what you have and quit whining’
. I
was
whining. Grandmother had taught me to be stronger than this. Back home, I was stronger. Here, I felt unprotected and weak.

The large dog licked my jaw all the way up my wet cheek.

Ew. I scrunched my eyes closed.

Even though it grossed me out, I didn’t pull away. Drawn to the smelly dog, I wouldn’t have been surprised if my grandmother had sent him to comfort my out-of-control emotions. She was up there watching out for me. That knowledge barely eased some of the pain of needing her here.

“You left too soon, Gram.”

He licked my other tear-tracked cheek. It was time to get my bag and stop wallowing in self-pity. Unfortunately, my pity party followed me everywhere these days. Bandit also followed me to the car and watched as I stood on the bumper and unloaded mine and Tam's suitcases from the carrier on top. When I stepped down, Bandit beat me mercilessly with his tail as he waited for more attention. I latched the carrier and scratched behind his ear before picking up the bags and carrying them up the front steps. Once the door was wide enough, the big dog dashed in ahead of me. I slipped in behind, as quietly as I could, in hopes of not drawing attention. Bandit stayed close and I was glad to have him.