Journey From the Summit (3 page)

“Can I see that one, Jon?” Saul asked one of the brothers, pointing to the pendant.

Saul took it from him and fastened it around my neck, standing back to take a look. “It’s perfect!” he said smiling at me. “We’ll take it.”

It felt like a seal of our love; I would treasure it always.

Chapter Four

Steve remained cold and unfriendly towards me. It was very apparent that he did not approve of me. He and Saul had obviously been a team of two ‘men behaving badly’ before I came along and ruined it all. There was an awkward and very tangible atmosphere between Steve and I, which Saul seemed powerless to change even though he and Steve clearly shared a close bond. Mostly, I wasn’t too bothered. I was so wrapped up in Saul that nothing could burst my bubble, but sometimes it seemed Steve would go out of his way to make me feel unwelcome in their house. On one occasion, when a few of us convened for a gathering there, he actually asked everyone present individually if they would like a cup of tea and purposefully missed me out. Not only did this make me feel very small, but it made Saul and everyone else feel uncomfortable too. In addition to this, there were snide comments, sarcastic remarks, and general unpleasantness. Saul and I spent less and less time at his house and more time at my place. All we really cared about was being together; it didn’t matter where that was.

Saul’s other best friend was Adam, who he was going away with. On some level I already resented him as, although I know it wasn’t the case, I felt he was taking Saul away from me. He lived in London, so I hadn’t yet had a chance to meet him.

One evening when I arrived at Saul’s, he took my hand and pulled me into the kitchen. “There’s someone I’d very much like you to meet,” he said excitedly. I could hear laughter even before I entered the room.

“Adam,” said Saul, interrupting something funny he was in the middle of telling Steve. “This is Flossie,” he beamed proudly at me.

I liked him before he even spoke. He grinned a lopsided grin at me, “So this is the reason Saul hasn’t been out of bed in the last month then,” he said good-naturedly. “We thought he had gone into summertime hibernation! No one has seen him!” he laughed. “Good to meet you at last, Flossie!” he said taking my hand.

He was the funniest guy I had ever met. He was a natural comedian, and could barely speak without making you laugh. He was good-looking in a quirky sort of way, with a charismatic smile and an infectious laugh that accompanied most of his comical antics. Being in his company, I found it hard to resent him for taking Saul away. I could understand why Saul wanted to go away with him – there would never be a dull moment!!

Whenever he came down to visit, we would all go out and spend long evenings being entertained by him. His girlfriend, Cathy, who also lived up in town very often came with him. Cathy was not someone I warmed to initially. She was a pretty girl with long fair hair and big green eyes, and she could turn on the charm to any male at will. However, when she wasn’t fluttering her long lashes at the opposite sex she could be pushy and crude and I often found her to be distasteful. However, we were often thrown together by circumstance, and as I got to know her more her manner softened a little at the edges, and she could be quite fun to be with.

I wanted to throw a surprise bon voyage party for Saul. I thought it might help to dilute some of the heartache I was feeling if I could throw myself into arranging something for him. However, to do this I needed to get Steve onside! I wasn’t looking forward to broaching my idea with him, but knew that really it needed to be in his house, and I would need his help. So, one day, I went round to Saul’s early knowing he wouldn’t yet be home from work but that Steve would be in.

“Floss,” he said gruffly as he opened the door to me. “Saul’s not home yet.”

I stood on the doorstep feeling as if I was about to try a sales pitch on an unyielding customer.

“Yeah, I knew he wouldn’t be back as yet, but I wanted to talk to you. Mind if I come in?” I said bravely.

“I guess not,” he agreed reluctantly letting me in.

I followed him into the kitchen. “Mind if I put the kettle on?” I said needing something to do to hide my nervousness.

“No. Go ahead. So what do you want to talk about then?” he said unsmiling.

“I want to have a party for Saul – a going away party. You are his best friend and I thought it might be nice if we did it together.” I was too afraid to look at him while I spoke, so I busied myself making tea with my back to him. I was very surprised by his response.

“ I think that’s a great idea! We could do it here, as a surprise!” he said almost enthusiastically.

I turned to look at him and he was smiling – not quite at me, but at the thought at least.

We continued to chat about whom to invite – obviously Adam and Cathy were at the top of the list, and a few other close friends. Nothing big – just a small farewell gathering, but it would be fun to do. We planned a date, and discussed how we would go about letting everyone know without him finding out.

I was pleasantly encouraged at having had my first proper conversation with Steve. It was as if for the duration of that conversation and those to follow about our secret plan, we were friends. I began to think that maybe this could change things between us. However, I soon realized that if we were not discussing the party or if Saul were around, he would treat me as he did before – with disdain.

On the day of the party it had been planned that I would take Saul to the pub for an early drink, and give everyone a chance to arrive at the house. He was a little reluctant to leave the pub, wondering why I wanted to go home so early, but I said I was hungry and wanted to get some food, and that we could come back later. As it wasn’t far from the pub, he fell for this excuse and we ambled back to his house.

The house was quiet as we walked in the door. As we approached the kitchen, I could see everyone waiting in there, through the glazed door, but Saul still hadn’t noticed. I pushed the door open,

“Surprise!!!!” everyone shouted. Saul looked at me, and then back at everyone in the room, and to my horror he turned and fled upstairs!!

I ran up after him. “Saul, what’s wrong?” I said finding him sitting on his bed.

“What’s going on?” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me you were doing this?”

“Babe, it was meant to be a surprise for you!” I said, feeling confused by his reaction.

“I hate surprises! Especially surprise parties! Oh Floss I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be ungrateful, but I wish you had told me.”

“Saul, I’m sorry! I had no idea; I thought it would be fun. Steve and I arranged it together – and that took some doing!!”

He smiled then, appreciating how difficult it must have been to arrange something with Steve.

“Come down babe,” I said to him. “Everyone is here for you. Come and have a drink.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” he said, “sorry for being a grump!” He took my hand and we headed back downstairs.

“Ah, here he is!” someone shouted. “Get the man a drink!” And Saul began to enjoy himself at last.

I allowed myself to relax too and began to mingle and chat with our friends. Laughing at something someone was telling me, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

Cathy was looking at me very directly. “Floss, can I have a word with you?” she said rather sharply.

“Yeah, of course, you okay?” I asked.

“In private,” she said curtly.

I grabbed my drink and led the way through the throng of people, out into the garden. Wandering up to the very back, where no one else was around, I turned to face her, “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t believe you’ve been so thoughtless!” she said angrily. “How could you arrange a surprise leaving party for Saul and invite Adam as a guest, when he is leaving too! How do you think he feels? Being a guest at what should be his surprise party too!!”

I looked at her in shock! I hadn’t even considered poor Adam in this. Of course we had invited him, but being so wrapped up both in my feelings about Saul’s departure and arranging the party I had totally overlooked Adam’s part in this.

“Oh my God, Cathy! I don’t know what to say! I’m so sorry, it wasn’t intentional at all. Let me go and find Adam and try to explain!” I said turning to leave.

But Cathy grabbed my arm, digging her fingers painfully into my flesh, “Don’t bother Flossie! You will just make him feel worse than he already does. You are so selfish. This is all about you and your poor breaking heart – no one else matters do they?” she said tossing her fair hair over her shoulder as she flounced off.

I was dumbfounded by her attack, knowing that although she had been very harsh about it, she was right. I felt so awful. Poor Adam, I couldn’t imagine how hurt he must be feeling. As I stood there staring into the distance trying to work out what to do about it, I felt warm arms slip around my waist.

“Flossie!” Saul breathed into my ear, “What you doing out here all alone?”

I told him about Cathy’s dressing-down, and looked at him with tears glistening in my eyes.

“I feel so rotten Saul. Adam must hate me, and he would have every right to!” I exclaimed.

“Flossie, don’t be ridiculous! This is Cathy’s opinion; I bet Adam hasn’t even thought about it! Cathy is upset because you didn’t include her and Adam in this, and maybe she is justified in that, but trust me – I know Adam – he’s in there getting hammered with everyone, having a blast – he will not be brooding about whose party it is!”

I guess I didn’t really know Adam well enough to know if Saul was just trying to make me feel better or not, so I had to trust him at his word.

“Come on, let’s go back inside and see everyone! They have come here to party with us, not wonder where we have sneaked off to!” he said pulling me back inside.

When we got back in, I looked around for Adam. He was at the very centre of a group of friends, who were all holding their sides laughing at something he was telling them. He caught Saul’s eye and raised his glass to him as he grinned his charming grin – that showed not a trace of anything but good-hearted humour.

The rest of the evening passed by without incident. Steve stood up and made an amusing speech about the antics that the boys were likely to get up to on their travels, that was every bit as much about Adam as it was Saul.

Finally came the dreaded day that they were due to leave. The pain I had feared our parting would involve was nothing to the reality of actually saying goodbye. I had tried so hard to save myself from this, but here I was having to go through it. I knew Cathy was feeling it too, and in a moment that passed between us, I knew that she had forgiven me for the party. The heartache we shared acted like a bond between us, drawing us together in mutual understanding at a time when no one else could really appreciate how hard it was to say good-bye.

At the airport, Saul and I clung to each other, both proclaiming our love through our tears. I could feel the knot of grief in my chest clawing at my heart. I could feel the sun going out of my life.

Then, as he turned to leave me, he tenderly lifted a strand of my hair and whispered, “Flossie, come with me. Go home, save up, and come out. I don’t want to go without you, but if I know you are coming, I will meet you, and we can travel together.”

I raised my tear-filled eyes to his. Did he mean it? Were they just words of redemption? What about his plans with Adam?

But I knew he did. His eyes were as full of pain as my heart. I knew he meant every word.

With trembling fingers I reached behind my neck and unfastened my coin necklace that Saul had bought me.

“Look after this for me Saul,” I said reaching up to do the clasp around his neck.

He touched the coin as it lay on his collarbone, understanding that I was giving him my heart until we could be together again. “I will Flossie,” he promised me earnestly.

I hated being away from him more than anything. My friends tried to console me, but the wound left by his absence ached excruciatingly. The only comfort I could gain any strength from were his parting words, which I clung to, to give me a focus. I could see a light at the end of the darkness. I would follow him anywhere. To be with him was all I wanted. I knew it would be a hard road, but I could think of nothing else. I had something to dilute the pain of being separated from him: the need to be re-united with him – I needed to earn as much money as I could and go and join him.

Fortunately, a couple of weeks after Saul left, the retail company I worked for began advertising for a supervisor in their Oxford Street branch. I knew that if I could get the job it would pay me much more than if I stayed in the local branch. I applied for the transfer, and got it with immediate effect. So I needed to pack up, move out of Maddie’s messy flat and find somewhere affordable in London.

Chapter Five

Cathy was missing Adam too. Although we were very different, we had something very poignant in common, giving us grounds for friendship. When I told her that Saul had asked me to come out, at first she was dubious. She was clearly besotted with Adam, and was feeling as bereft as I was. It felt good to talk to someone who really understood.

One day, she called me at work, “I’ve been thinking about what you said Floss, about you going out to meet Saul.”

“I know you think it was just lip service, Cathy,” I replied defensively, “but I know he meant it. You can say what you like to me, I’ve already started saving.”

“Hang on Floss! I’ve thought about it, and I want to come with you!” She said excitedly. “I’m going to be your travelling companion, we can save up and go together!!”

I was surprised, but I shouldn’t have been. I knew she was missing Adam terribly and actually it seemed like a great plan. Travelling alone did seem a little daunting, so it would be nice to have some company.

I told her about my plan to move to London, to save up more quickly and she immediately suggested I move in with her.

By the middle of November I moved up to London, to live with Cathy and her family. Cathy lived in a small characterless terraced bungalow with no front garden, with her mother and two older brothers. There were no spare bedrooms, so it meant I had to share her room. The good thing about it was that her mum, a kind-hearted lady, was very generous and hardly charged me any rent. Although it wasn’t ideal, it was within easy reach of the city, allowing me to save more towards my goal. They were a close-knit Irish family with a different approach to humour than I was used to. They all took the piss out of each other constantly, and although at times it was funny, mostly I found it hard to keep up with. In truth, although I was very grateful for having somewhere to stay in London, I found living there difficult, cooped up in a built-up concrete metropolis after the leafy green open spaces of my home town. Even living in Maddie’s untidy flat, with her dubious friends calling round seemed preferable. I felt suffocated by the proximity of everything and longed for open fields and trees. However, I would have lived anywhere if it meant that I could be with Saul sooner, so I focused on my goal, and worked all the hours I could.

I literally worked six days a week in my day job as a store supervisor, and five nights in the pub, behind the bar. I went home only a couple of times in four months, wanting to work as much as possible. Christmas came and went and I barely noticed; I didn’t even go home, instead choosing to work over the festive season to boost my savings with the extra money.

Saul and Adam had left on their travels in mid-October, and by the end of December we had saved enough to book our flights, and just needed to pay the balance and save spending money. March could not come fast enough.

His letters were all I lived for. He didn’t write often, as writing did not come easily to him, so when he did I would find myself re-reading them over and over again. I would imagine him struggling to put down on paper how he was feeling, or what he was seeing. We didn’t have mobile phones, Skype, or email. We only had letters that could take weeks to arrive, and as a rare treat the odd fax.

However, when he did write, I knew how much he loved and missed me, and it was so good to hear his experiences. One cold morning a letter arrived from him, and I stuffed it into my pocket while I made a cup of tea, savouring the knowledge that it was there, waiting to be read. Taking my tea and my treasured letter into my room, I carefully opened the fragile paper.

Dear Flossie,

I got your letter today and it’s always a good day when I get a letter from you. Please keep writing although I’m not so fast to write back. I read it four times just to hear your voice in my head.

Yesterday we visited the monkey temple, which is on top of a hill in the Kathmandu valley. It is a ‘stupa’ or mound, which is a place of meditation. At the top of the mound are two giant painted-on eyes – the eyes of Buddha, looking over the peaceful valley. There are monkeys living in parts of the temple that are meant to be holy – I don’t think they know that though!

Some of the people we have met while travelling are typical hippies – I think Adam managed to upset them the other night. Flossie, it was so funny you would have cried laughing. There were mozzies buzzing about and driving us crazy as we sat around politely listening to a bunch of hippy wannabe musicians playing crap on an old guitar – really so clichéd! Anyway, Adam, who has had enough both of the hippies and the mozzies decided to do something about it. So he disappears into our room and comes out with his underpants on over his jeans, and a sarong tied round his neck, like a cape. He is brandishing a cigarette lighter and some deodorant and he goes into full attack mode as ‘mosquito man’, blasting the mozzies with deodorant flames! It was the funniest thing ever as he jumped off furniture igniting the mozzies! The hippies, however, didn’t find it funny, as he was killing and that’s ‘bad karma’ – this only made it funnier!! I swear I didn’t stop laughing all night!!

I wish you were here with me. It’s really beautiful and I would love nothing more than to share it with you. Right now it’s early evening and I’m watching the golden eagles lazily circle the city as the sun sets over Kathmandu. It’s amazing Flossie. I am counting the days until we are together again and I can share these things with you. I love you and I miss you more than ever.

In a few days we will leave here for India, and I will write again and give you the address of the post office through which you can write to me. I love hearing from you so much.

All my love always,

Saul.

xxxxx

I read it through fast, then I read it through slowly, then I re-read the bits which said how much he loved and missed me – and during the time I took reading his letter I felt a deep connection to him that I savoured.

I put it under my pillow, knowing that when I got home from work I would want to read it again, and make his words the last things my eyes saw before I closed them to sleep.

Saul’s letters were fairly infrequent, and not very long in content, but I didn’t care, as long as I heard from him – it could be a kiss in the middle of the page, but it was still a link. By contrast Adam was a literary romantic, and sent Cathy endless letters with colourful poems, and lengthy demonstrations of how he missed her. She loved nothing more than to mock and gloat that she received one when I had not, or that hers were pages long when mine was a few paragraphs. Although her cruel jibes hurt, I knew that Saul’s lack of scholarly flair was not testament to the strength of his love for me.

The time seemed to pass quickly as we threw ourselves into working and saving. When we were together we talked of nothing else but our impending trip. It wouldn’t be long now until we could be with them. Our excitement mounted with each day that we could tick off on the calendar until we could leave for our own adventure, to meet our boys.

One evening at the end of January, Adam called. Cathy was so excited, jumping for joy that he had called her and revelling in the fact that Saul had not called me. Still, I was pleased for her, and excited to hear their up-to-the-minute news. I stood watching her face as she listened to her boyfriend’s long distant voice. They had travelled from Nepal and were now in India. But then Cathy’s expression changed and I watched the colour drain from her face as she listened. She glanced at me, with knitted brows. What was he telling her? Had he met someone else? Or worse had Saul? Was that why he wasn’t calling me?? I thought back to his last letter, so full of rambling disorganized love declarations. Surely he still loved me. What was Adam saying that had literally drained her smile and tipped it onto the floor?

She put down the phone and sat down next to me. For the first time in the short time we had known each other, she looked at me with softness and compassion. She touched my forearm, and let her eyes meet my imploring gaze.

“Floss, I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just gonna come right out and say it. Saul’s been arrested. He’s in prison for drugs.”

I felt her words move past me, a shoal of fish swimming by with no meaning. Her voice sounded far away, as though she was underwater, echoing, in my head. My Saul, my sweetheart was in prison in a foreign country for drugs. I tried to comprehend what she had said. This was crazy! It couldn’t be true!

“Is this one of your sick jokes?” I asked, “This isn’t funny Cathy!”

She was shaking her head, and looking at me with utmost sincerity.

“Then it must be a mistake, right?” I asked her, thinking that, as the messenger, she must know more than she was telling me. She shook her head, she didn’t know.

She made me tea. She told me it was all going to be okay, and that Adam was going to get him out. He was going to call again in a week and tell us more news. It was nothing; just a bit of dope – everyone was smoking it out there! It didn’t mean anything, just a slap on the wrist.

Cathy’s brother, Matt hovered in the doorway, eavesdropping on our conversation. “Piss off would you Matt!” Cathy shouted. “Just leave us alone for a bit!”

The whole family had a very tactless sense of humour, but his was by far the worst. Cathy’s reproach sparked a retort from him.

“Ever seen Midnight Express, Floss? Didn’t they hang him for drugs in that movie? That was in Thailand or Turkey or somewhere like that wasn’t it? The laws are all the same in that neck of the woods.” he snickered.

I ran from the room and shut myself in my bedroom. If I thought parting with Saul at the airport had been hard, then now I surely did not know what had hit me. I was in shock. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t think. I was numb. I sat staring at

the anaglypta wallpaper wishing the ugly pattern would suck me in and lose me in its grotesque cavernous flowers.

Cathy knocked softly. I couldn’t answer her. She opened the door and came and sat on the bed next to me.

“Don’t listen to Matt,” she said. “You know what he’s like. It’s just his way of trying to help you deal with it.”

I didn’t care about her stupid ignorant brother, or her, or anything in the world. I turned away from her, closing her out, retreating into myself where it was safe, and I wasn’t being forced to confront something I didn’t know how to deal with.

I laid down fully dressed on the bed, with my back to her. After some time she must have left the room, and I focused so hard on the wallpaper, willing my mind to be numbed by its vulgar pattern, that eventually I fell into a dreamless sleep.