Journey From the Summit (2 page)

“Bob!” came a stern voice as a tall man walked into the room.

“Hey Steve!” said Saul looking up, “this is Flossie, Flossie, this is Steve, owner of Bob, Eric and the house!” smiled Saul.

Steve glanced at me and grunted, “Alright?”

“Yeah, hi Steve, nice to meet you,” I said, feeling a distinct change in the previously easy atmosphere.

“Wanna sit down mate?” asked Saul getting out of his chair.

“It’s okay,” I intervened, feeling unwelcome in Steve’s presence, “I’m actually happier sitting on the floor.”

Steve rudely plonked himself down in the chair I had vacated, next to Saul, without so much as a thank-you. He sat and petted Bob, who had instantly gone to sit at his master’s feet, and said nothing.

I looked at Steve covertly, trying to see behind his brooding manner. He was attractive in a very macho, arrogant way. His muscular frame and conceited manner seemed to dominate the room.

Saul made idle chit-chat with Steve, who gave one word answers, making it increasingly clear with every passing moment that he was not happy in my company.

After a while Saul said, “Shall I walk you home Floss?”

My flat was almost an hour’s walk away, right across the other side of town.

“Oh no! Don’t worry Saul! If I could just use the phone I’ll get a cab! It’s a long walk!”

Saul jumped up and grabbed his jacket, “No! I want to walk you home. It’s a nice evening and I would really like to.”

I smiled, relieved to have the opportunity to be alone with Saul again, and not have to endure the intrusive presence of Steve.

As soon as we stepped out into the warm night air, Saul took my hand, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. I felt a pleasing tingle as my fingers entwined with his. We chatted non-stop all the way back to my flat, finding that we clicked in a myriad of different ways; subtleties in the way we thought, the nuances of our humour, the things we liked and disliked too. All too soon our moonlit stroll came to an end.

We stood outside my flat and as I turned to him, our lips came together without hesitation from either of us.

His lips were warm and soft and I felt myself melt into him like butter on fresh baked bread. My skin tingled and I felt the powerful contraction of naked desire in the very deepest part of me. The control I had over myself had finally left me forever. He said goodnight and turned to walk back. As much as I longed to continue exploring our physical connection, I felt honoured that he hadn’t expected it after walking me all the way home.

I floated into my flat feeling like I was on a magic carpet. I had just visited the kingdom of paradise, and I didn’t think I was ever coming back. My heart was singing with happiness and I thought I might burst.

We saw each other every day, absorbing each other like sponges. Either I would go to his house straight from work and just spend time with him, often in his room where we could be alone, or he would cycle over to my flat, and we would talk, laugh, kiss and cuddle all evening.

Slowly I got to know some of the reasons that made him so appealing to me. He had grown up with his mum, dad and slightly older brother, living around Guildford for most of his life, and worked as a carpenter. But he had spent some of his childhood in Kenya, lending his accent a softness that set him apart and giving him a broader view of the world we lived in. He was quietly intelligent, mischievously humorous, but with a humbling lack of self-confidence that made him modest and unobtrusive. Despite this, though, he made me feel safe and protected; shielded by the strength of the love I could feel he had for me.

I was almost afraid to make love to him, fearing that I would lose all sense of rationality. Saul, however, had no such reservations, and one night after a party he surprised me, showing me a self-assured side to him that made me laugh out loud at the sheer boldness of it! I walked back into my bedroom after visiting the bathroom to find him laying naked on my bed, grinning like the Cheshire cat about to feast on a potful of cream made just for him.

The connection between us was more powerful than I could even imagine, and we saw each other as much as we possibly could. Our friends would joke that we couldn’t leave each other alone, that when we were together, no-one else in the room mattered, they were wallpaper, a background to us. The magnetism between us was electric. We spent all our time physically connecting – holding hands, kissing, making love, and when we couldn’t physically unite we thought of nothing but each other. It was as if we had waited our whole lives for this. We were born to be together, and nothing else mattered. It was all-consuming: my heart, my body, and my mind all on fire, all existing for him only.

Chapter Three

Then one day Saul dropped a bombshell… he had a trip planned, with his other best friend – a guy called Adam, whom I hadn’t met – not a holiday, but a trip to travel the world. They were due to leave in mid-October. That was just three months away! They had it booked and paid for long before we met, long before we even knew that the other existed. I felt the tear in my heart like the sting of a hot knife causing a sickening pain. I was going to be separated from the only person who I wanted to be with, and because I loved him, I could not, would not stand in his way. So I put on a mask, pasted on a smile and told him it would be amazing, the chance of a lifetime, and inside I wanted to die. How could any relationship last months of being apart? We had known each other a matter of weeks, he would meet someone else, and I would be someone he had had fun with, nothing more. I couldn’t bear it. The elation I had been living in since meeting him was now coloured with the red-hot agony of knowing that I would have to say goodbye, quite possibly for ever. I had allowed myself to open my heart, let him walk in and become the meaning of my life, and now he was going to walk right back out again taking the very definition of me with him!

How could I bear to let this happen? I knew I had to try and walk away, before I fell more in love with him. I had built up my defences before; surely I could do it again? I knew it was going to be the hardest thing in the world, but I couldn’t let my heart go through the pain of falling deeper in love only to be broken beyond my worst nightmare!

I called Sal, and asked her to meet me for a drink after work.

“But that’s crazy Floss!” she exclaimed after I had explained my intention.

“You are so happy with him. In all the years I’ve known you, and the stupid relationships I’ve watched you go through, this is the happiest I’ve ever seen you!! You cannot do this, you know, you are kidding yourself!!”

“But Sal, if I don’t, I will be devastated!! I can’t bear the thought of him leaving me and going off to some exotic country to meet someone else!! I mean, he’s bound to!! All that sun and sea, and those beach parties – there will be tons of hot girls falling all over him. I will be a distant memory!!”

“You’re not being fair to him Flossie. Maybe what he feels for you runs deeper than that – you’re not even giving him a chance!!”

“I just can’t spend all those weeks, months not knowing if he will come back to me or not. It will kill me. I have to stop this before it’s too late!”

Sal looked at me intently. “You know that’s it’s already way too late!”

I went home and stood under a hot shower, allowing the scalding water to make my skin burn. I knew it was going to be hard to try and walk away from the only man I’d ever really loved; it was going to hurt like hell – but surely I was saving myself in the long run?

I arrived at Saul’s earlier than planned. He answered the door with a towel around his hips, droplets of water still on his bare chest. All I wanted to do was to step into his arms, wind my fingers into his damp hair and kiss him, but I made myself step around him, averting my eyes from his, trying to strengthen my resolve.

“Floss!” he smiled his beautiful smile at me. “Come in and make yourself at home – I’m almost ready.”

I had made two mugs of tea when he came back into the kitchen, dressed in jeans and a white t-shirt – looking so handsome it made my heart physically hurt, thinking of what I was going to say.

“You’ve made tea,” he said stepping towards me. “I thought we were going out?”

“I want to talk to you Saul,” I said quietly.

He tilted my chin up to force me to look at him. “What’s wrong Floss?” his dark eyes were full of concern.

“Saul, I-I can’t see you anymore. I’m sorry. This isn’t working out.”

He said nothing. He just looked at me, as if he was trying to understand what I was saying, as if I’d spoken in a foreign tongue. His hand dropped away from my face, but his eyes continued to search mine.

“I just don’t think we are right together,” I said shrugging my shoulders. I couldn’t look at him. He looked so hurt and this was so far from the truth that either he would think I was crazy or that he had me all wrong – either way I couldn’t bear it.

Finally he spoke, “We are still getting to know each other Flossie – why don’t we give it a proper chance?” he said softly, trying to reason with my irrational decision.

“No, Saul, I can’t. This isn’t what I want,” I said, my voice cracking with emotion, threatening to give me away.

I had to get out of there. If I didn’t leave now I would crumble under the strain of my deceit. I couldn’t look into his beautiful eyes and lie about my feelings any longer. Without touching my tea, I picked up my bag from the kitchen counter. “I’m sorry Saul, I have to go,” I said, turning away from him and heading quickly to the door.

I stepped outside, praying he would follow me. I wanted so much for him to come after me, beg me not to go, and for us to fall into each other’s arms – but I knew he wouldn’t. I knew he respected my decision, took me at my word, and was going to give me the space to do what I thought was the right thing.

I walked home, with tears streaming down my face, not caring what passers-by thought of the girl with mascara running down her cheeks, and her heart in a million pieces.

Finally I arrived home. I was cold and tired and my body ached with physical pain as though I’d been beaten.

Maddie opened the door before I had a chance to get my key out.

“Flossie! What’s wrong?” she said taking in my dishevelled appearance. I fell into her arms sobbing, telling her what I’d done.

Taking my hand she led me into the living room, and poured me a large glass of wine. I sat sipping it slowly, allowing the alcohol to seep into my body, taking the edge off the pain. I hadn’t even noticed until then that Maddie had company. There were two guys in the living room with her, and they were obviously having a little party.

“Floss, what you need is a few drinks, and someone to take your mind off Saul,” Maddie said gently, smiling at me. “This is Jack – I think you may have met him before – he’s a good friend of mine.”

I looked up as Jack slid onto the sofa next to me, draping an arm around my shoulders. He smelt of slightly stale sweat mingled with alcohol. I moved away from him, revolted by both the idea and his proximity.

“What I need,” I said addressing Maddie and ignoring Jack, “is to be left alone!”

I stood up and almost tripped over trying to leave the room. I shut myself in my bedroom, listening to the distorted giggling from the living room. If I had a phone I could call Sal, at least I could talk to her. I curled up on my bed fully clothed and cried into my pillow. Emotionally exhausted I eventually fell asleep.

The next day I went to work and ignored Maddie. She knew that she had offended me, so did the right thing in keeping out of my way. I didn’t feel like forgiving her, even if she had had good intentions at the root of her sordid suggestion. Fortunately, I could shut myself in the office and get on with my work without having to talk to anyone. I didn’t even answer the phone – letting other staff members deal with the calls. However, when my intercom buzzed, I couldn’t ignore it – it could well be my boss, needing to speak to me.

However, it wasn’t. It was Maddie, “Floss?”

“What?” I snapped.

“There’s a call for you – I think you might want to take it. It’s Saul.”

I hesitated. He was the only person in the world I wanted to talk to right now, but I was scared. Scared of what he might say, of what I might say. Would he just be phoning to tell me I was right, that he agreed and was glad I had said it because he felt the same? If I dared to hope he was calling to ask me to change my mind, did I have the strength to carry on with my pretence? Maybe I shouldn’t take the call – then I wouldn’t have to deal with it – but I couldn’t resist, I had to know, I had to hear his voice. I knew it would be like a soothing balm to my hurting heart. I pressed the flashing line to accept the call.

“Hello?” I said allowing him to take the lead.

“Floss! How are you?” he said cheerfully as if he was calling just for a friendly chat.

“I’m okay,” I lied, “just busy working.”

“Oh sorry, I won’t keep you. I was just wondering if you were coming over this evening, or shall I come to yours?” he said lightly. I could hear the smile in his voice.

For a moment, I wondered if I had dreamt last night, and none of it had actually happened.

“Coming over?” I asked willing him to explain what he thought had happened.

“Yes, you do want to see me don’t you?” for the first time I thought I heard a shadow of doubt creep into his voice, but at the same time he managed to make it sound as though he was teasing me!

“ Saul, did you listen to any part of what I said last night?”

“Yes, of course I did, Flossie, but I know you didn’t mean any of it. Like I said, we are still getting to know each other, and I’m enjoying that, and I’m pretty sure you are too!”

I laughed, then. I couldn’t help it. He was so unpredictably lovely. He wasn’t going to try and get me to change my mind, he was just going to tell me what was really in my mind, and get me to admit it!

“But Saul…” I started.

“I will come to yours,” he interrupted, “about 8?”

“Okay” I sighed. He wasn’t going to give up, and I loved him all the more for it. I would have to try and talk to him tonight.

I spent the rest of the day feeling much less miserable, but not really knowing what exactly I was going to do.

Luckily Maddie made herself scarce that evening. She knew she had upset me, and this was her way of giving me the space I needed to sort things out.

Saul arrived at 8pm on the dot. I opened the door and he swept me into his arms and kissed me tenderly. Eventually he broke away and grinned at me, as if to illustrate that he was right.

I poured some wine into two tumblers and carried them into the living room, and sat down next to him on the sofa.

“I don’t want to get hurt, Saul.” I began.

“So it’s not that you don’t think we are right together then?” he said wickedly.

“No,” I said staring at my hands, “I just have strong feelings for you already and I don’t want to end up being broken-hearted when you go away.” I said finally, baring my soul.

“Floss, I’m not going forever, I’m coming back.”

“I know that, but anything could happen! What if you meet someone else? I just think that if we break up now, you won’t feel you are betraying me if you want to see someone else.”

“Flossie, I’m not going for another three months. We might find that in another month we don’t feel the same way we do now. We haven’t given us a chance! What if we are meant to be together – let’s not give up on something that hasn’t even got off the ground yet!”

I knew what he was saying made sense, but I also knew that I was already head over heels in love with him, and that my feelings for him were only going to grow. I had to go with it. I had to gamble my heart, knowing that I’d already lost it to him, and that whether I walked away now or waited until he left the country, the heartache would still hurt just as much. At least this way I had three whole months of him, whereas if I gave up now I wouldn’t even have that – what was that saying? “Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”.

“Okay, let’s go for it, but if you break my heart I’m holding you totally responsible.” I grinned, relief washing over me that I didn’t have to pretend any more, and that I could fall into his arms again where I felt happier than any other place in the world.

“That’s one of the things I love most about you Flossie!” Saul said as I lay against his chest. “You are totally loopy!”

So we slipped into a happy routine of being together, enjoying every moment and not thinking about tomorrows.

It was really hot, one of those rare summers where almost every day was spent having barbeques, pub lunches, beach parties and picnics by the river. There were parties and raves to go to most weekends, marking it in history as the second summer of love. The whole world seemed to be celebrating and for us it couldn’t be more appropriate.

There was a craft market in our town that went on for most of July. Traders came from everywhere and set up their stalls in the high street selling colourful clothes, handmade jewellery and unusual ethnic furnishings for your home that you couldn’t find in everyday shops. Street musicians came to share their talents, drawing the crowds, making them pause in their shopping while they lost themselves for a while in the music.

Saul and I ambled along the high street, browsing the stalls and enjoying the pleasant atmosphere. Near the bottom of the high street was a small stall run by two brothers we knew socially. They were just starting out in the jewellery business, getting their name known locally. Their selection was small, but really lovely: pretty beads made into lariats and long silver chains with unusual pendants which sparkled in the hot sun. On a little board near the back of the stall was an arrangement of pendants that caught my eye. They were made from old coins and cut into different shapes. One in particular stood out. It was fashioned into two faces that mirrored each other, one happy, one sad. A perfect balance of the emotions – the power true love has to make you feel either one to its extreme.