Jolted (Conflicted Encounters #1) (13 page)

"Kallie," I heard Ryder's voice in the darkness. When I couldn't answer, he turned on a small lamp in the corner. "Are you okay?"

I inhaled deeply several times before I could speak. "Yes. Just a bad dream," I told him. I ripped the blanket off of me. My clothes were damp and clung to my clammy skin.
 

"You sure? You're shaking," he said, reaching for me. I pulled away from his touch.
 

"Yep," I snipped. He glared back at me, trying to see the truth buried deep down.
 

"Okay," he relented, getting up and leaving me alone in the living room.
 

I got up and got in the shower. The sun would be coming up soon, but Scarlett wouldn't be up for hours yet. I tried to be as quiet as I could as I showered and found clean clothes stuffed in my bag in the corner. I skipped drying my hair to keep the noise down and pulled my hair into a ponytail instead. When I finally came out, Ryder was drinking coffee in the kitchen.
 

"I didn't mean to wake you. I'm sorry," I said as I tried to avoid eye contact.

"It's cool. I had to get up anyway," he said, sounding casual.

After coffee, Ryder left for work. Scarlett woke up later and left for work in town as well. I spent the day watching TV and reading on my phone. I had no one to talk to and nothing to do. I felt numb. I didn't feel sadness or happiness anymore. Once I pushed the anxiety away about my parents and what I would do, I felt nothing.
 

Days went by the same. With Ryder working during the day and Scarlett working evenings, I was left alone for only few hours a day, but I always felt completely alone. Usually Ryder and I would be alone for dinner, where he would cook and I would barely eat. I cleaned up after us and tried to stay out of the way.
 

After several more days, I was crawling out of my skin. I couldn't stand myself anymore. I saw my reflection in the mirror and saw a ghost looking back at me. Grey eyes and pale skin. I was nothing like the person I was before. The Kallie with Carter may have been built on one thing, but at least she was something. Not a hollow shell of a body walking around and taking up space.
 

I threw on a sundress and sandals and made an attempt to look nice. I skipped down the stairs and out to the street. The sunlight felt warm on my skin and I took a deep inhale of the summer air. I could feel the dampness of a summer storm coming. I used to love storms when I was kid. I used to stare out the windows and wonder what it would feel like to dance in the rain.
 

I started walking to the cafe down the street. Aside from Hank's and the garage, that was the only other place I knew. On my way, I saw the garage where my car was. I knew Ryder would be working today. I wondered if it would be weird if I stopped in. I did need to know about my car and how much it was going to cost me. I looked both ways and crossed the street to the shop.

"You lost, pretty girl?" an older man asked as I approached.

"Why does everyone ask me that?" I mumbled. At the sound of my voice, Ryder's head popped up from under the hood of a car.
 

"Hey, what are you doing here?" he asked, coming toward me.
 

He stalked toward me while wiping the grease and rust off himself. He wore a black sleeveless shirt and his muscles flexed under his suntanned skin. My eyes automatically traced the intricate designs trailing up his arms. A chunk of his black hair fell into his eyes and my hands twitched with the need to brush it away for him. His eyes traveled down my body and back up before landing my face. His smile told me he knew I was just checking him out.
 

I shook the images away from my head. That wasn't why I came here today. I spent days trying to forget the way he made me feel at the party. I tried to force out the sound of his hoarse voice in my ears and his strong hands pulling me against him. I shouldn't be thinking or feeling those things.

"What can I do for you, Princess?" he asked me with a confident smirk.
 

"I really hate it when you call me that," I said, not sounding angry at all. "You're patronizing me when you say it."

He laughed. "Noted. But really, I didn't expect to see you out and about," he said, his tone growing serious.

"Just taking a stroll. Getting some coffee. I wanted to see what was happening with my car," I told him and tried to sound like it was no big deal.

"Well, I think we found one in the states. We're just waiting to hear back from the seller."

"That's great," I said, even though it didn't feel great. "How much do you think it'll cost me?"
 

He came closer, looking around to see if anyone was listening. "We can figure that out later. You running low on money yet?"

"Not exactly," I answered and looked down at the dirty floor. "It just needs to last."

"I see. I'll find out and we can figure something out. Don't worry," he said, looking me in the eyes. I couldn't decide if I saw concern or pity looking back at me.
 

"Thanks," I whispered. I backed away from him. I couldn't see that look in his eyes anymore. I gave him a quick wave and continued on my way to the cafe.
 

Was it pity or concern? I asked the question over and over on the walk to the cafe. I didn't know if I could stand either one. If it was pity, then Ryder became everyone I was running from. If it was concern, then he was getting too close. I couldn't let myself down like that again. I couldn't let myself become someone else, only to have that Kallie disappear when she returned home.
 

By the time the smell of coffee enveloped me, I was tired of thinking. I didn't want to worry anymore. I didn't want to think about Ryder, Carter, or my mom and dad. I left to deal with things, and so far, I hadn’t done anything but create more confusion for myself. All I wanted now was to find out how to be, who to be, when it was just me. If I were living for myself and no one else, what would I be like?

I got my coffee and walked slowly back to the apartment. I looked in all the shop windows as I passed. I passed up a vintage jewelry shop I wanted to go into. It would make me think of home.
 

This little town seemed content, alone and away from the busier world, and the peace soothed me. I used to hate walking when in D.C. The cars were too fast, the streets too crowded, and there were too many people. Carter loved the city, though. I would put up with all the negatives if that's what it took to be with him.

I paced the apartment like a crazy person when I finally got back. I felt like a caged animal that needed to get out. My skin felt like it was crawling and I kept running my hands through my hair repeatedly. All I could do was worry. Worry about money, what my parents were going to do, whether I should enroll in class, and why did I feel something when I see Ryder?

Part of me felt like I should only have feelings for Carter. He was the love of my life, and he was good to me. I felt unfaithful, even with just my thoughts. Ryder was different, he was new and felt dangerous. But most of all, he made me feel something other than empty and hurt. I couldn't hold on to Carter forever, I would never survive. I just couldn't find the balance of letting go and hanging on.

I had no idea how long I paced and talked to myself before Ryder finally came home. He gave me a skeptical look as he set down some beer and pizza on the counter. I probably looked crazed, with bloodshot eyes and frazzled hair. I tried to comb my hair down with my fingers before heading to the kitchen.

"How are you?" he asked, eyeing me carefully.

"Fine," I said too quickly.
 

"Sure," he said slowly. "I got pizza. Scarlett texted. She's going out after work, I guess."
 

"Oh," I said, disappointed.

"Why? Would you want to go out with her?"

"Well, I was just feeling cooped up I guess. Stir crazy," I shrugged.

He sighed. "I'm sorry. I am working on your car to get it done as soon as I can."

I shook my head at him. "No worries. I still have to figure out how I am going to pay for it anyway. Can I have one of those?" I rambled and pointed at the beer.

He handed me a bottle and we took the pizza to the living room. We watched TV while we ate. My mind couldn't focus on the TV. The same worries plagued me, plus some more. I was hoping they would stop if I wasn't alone anymore, but that wasn't the case. I closed my eyes and tried taking deep breaths, fighting the tight feeling in my chest.
 

Carter was good at talking me down when I would get worked up. Every big exam or family event would put me in a near panic. Carter could handle the pressure of the world on his shoulders and wanted to make a living out of it. I couldn't even handle the pressure of my parents most times. Right now was no exception.

"You think Scarlett will be home soon?" I asked to break the silence.

"Doubt it. She'll go home with someone probably," he responded.

I nodded and kept staring at the screen. I was starting to become weighed down with the loneliness. Even with Ryder right beside me, I felt miles away from a living person. I was alone with a man, a very good-looking man, in the dark, and I felt alone. I needed to connect. I needed my mind to be clear before I lost all sanity.
 

Without thinking, I stood up and quickly walked over to him. Before he even saw me coming, I put my hands on his shoulders and lowered myself on top of him, straddling him. I pulled myself closer to him by his shoulders. I could feel the fabric of his jeans on my bare thighs.

"Kallie," he growled. "What the fuck are you doing?"
 

"What does it look like?" I whispered and pushed my chest up against him. His eyes looked down the front of my dress and his hands gripped my hips roughly. I’d never done this before, but suddenly my body was working on its own accord.
 

"Why?" he asked, sounding pained.

"I want to," I rasped in his ear. I ran my nose along his ear and down his neck. He smelled like soap and gasoline. The smell was intoxicating. So very Ryder.
 

He grabbed my hips hard and pushed me back. I looked down at him in shock. Even with only the light from the TV, I could still see his eyes. They consumed me as he glared back at me. I saw anger, want, hate, and lust battling inside them. I wondered which one would win. I ran my hands down his chest and rested them on the waist of his jeans. His body flexed underneath me.
 

"Why are you doing this?" he asked, breathless. "I have a feeling this isn't you at all."

"We don't know that anymore," I snipped, trying to get him to shut up. I rubbed up against him.
 

He suddenly grabbed my butt and pulled me to him. He quickly spun us and pushed me back on the couch, hovering above me. He was rested between my legs and my hands were pinned between us.
 

"Is this what you want?" he growled in my ear as he pushed himself against me. The movement and his rough voice sent shivers through my body. My mouth went dry and my heart raced. My entire body burned and itched to get closer.

I nodded back at him, trying to beg with my eyes. He shook his head and ran his hand up my knee and then up my leg and under my dress. His fingers tickled my inner thigh and I felt myself getting wet with him so close to me. I tried to arch into his touch, but he held me in place. I whimpered and tried to free my hands.
 

"Isn't this what you want?" he asked, licking my ear. I moaned at the sensation and nodded my head. I wiggled under him, trying to get him where I needed him the most. "You want me to fuck you? You want me to take you right here, right now?"

"Please," I begged, my mind no longer with me. His lips barely grazed the skin behind my ear and down my neck.

"Say it," he demanded against my collarbone.

"I want you," I moaned. My head swam with need.

"You want me to make you come, over and over again?" he rasped, his fingers lightly tracing on my inner thigh.

"Yes," I begged. I could feel him getting hard as his jeans rubbed against the thin lace of my panties. I needed more.
 

"No," he stated simply as he placed his palm on my most sensitive part, pushing me back against the couch. I almost fell apart at the pressure. "You don't want that, Princess."

I opened my eyes and stared back at his pained face in shock. His hard eyes glared down at me as he grabbed my wrists and pulled my hands above my head, pinning me to the couch. I arched into him on instinct and he put his weight on me, holding me still. I glared back at him in challenge. My whole body ached for him.
   

"You don't really want this. I'm not going to help you escape whatever it is that you are running from," he whispered.
 

"Just please, I just want to forget," I pleaded, tears threatening to break free. "I just want to feel again."

He sighed and hung his head down, resting his forehead on my chest. "No."

I struggled to break his hold on me. I wanted to punch him in his face. I was panting and every nerve was on edge. I was crumbling inside and couldn't hold myself together. I thrashed around under him. He sat up on his knees and pulled me up with him. I tried to pull my wrists from him, but his hold wasn't letting up.

"Kallie, calm down."

My vision burned with tears. My throat was closing up and my entire body was going from burning hot to ice cold. I heaved, trying to catch my breath, and yanked my arms. "Just get away from me," I cried.

"No, Kallie, look at me," he urged. I shook my head and continued to try to free myself. I was now empty, alone, and embarrassed.
 

Ryder firmly grabbed my chin and tilted my head up to him. "Look at me, Kallie."

Tears rolled down my cheeks and I closed my eyes to block out his face. Ryder let go of my wrists and put both his hands on each side of my face. I couldn't move in his hold, and finally let my body go limp.