Johnny Angel (13 page)

Alice waited for them to return before starting dinner, but she was startled when she glanced at the clock, and saw that it was after seven. They should have been home long before. They had been gone for nearly two hours, and at eight o'clock she was panicked. But she was even more so, when the hospital called her at eight-thirty. They said that Charlotte and Jim were there, they were both fine, except that Charlotte had a mild concussion.

“What happened?” Alice was horrified as she listened to the voice on the phone explain it to her. They had had a minor accident in the car. Jim had hit a parked truck, but had suffered no injuries. Charlotte's head had hit the dashboard, and after they watched her for a while, they were going to send her home with her father. And as soon as she hung up, Alice told Johnny about it. She had long since fed Bobby a sandwich, and afterward he had gone to his room to do some homework. So she didn't have to worry about frightening him when she told Johnny about the accident. And he whistled long and hard when she told him about it.

“Was he drinking, Mom?” Johnny asked her, and she looked confused.

“I don't know. He seemed okay when he left,” she said honestly. But they both knew that he might have stopped somewhere for a couple of beers or more. He could have gotten just drunk enough to hit another car. And at that exact moment, Alice knew she'd had enough. He had just endangered a child for a second time. The risk he presented while drinking was suddenly intolerable to her.

She was still angry at herself, and at him, when Jim came home with Charlotte two hours later. She was too angry to even speak to him. All they had told Charlotte to do was rest and take it easy for a few days. They thought she could be playing basketball again the following weekend. But that was beside the point to Alice. She knew Charlotte could have been killed.

The look on Jim's face, when he walked in, told its own story. He was ashen. He said nothing to his wife, but poured himself a cup of coffee, and looked long and hard at her, trying to gauge her reaction, when she came downstairs after putting Charlotte to bed. Alice was livid, as Johnny quietly withdrew and went back upstairs to Bobby. He'd been waiting in the kitchen with his mother when Charlotte and Jim came home. “Do you realize you could have killed her?” she said furiously. He didn't answer. They both knew the consequences of accidents like the one he'd just had with Charlotte. “I'm not going to let you drive the kids anymore, if you can't be responsible,” she said, looking angrily at him. “You can drink all you want, but don't get in a car with my children,” she said firmly, and he sat down at the kitchen table, looking like a beaten man. He had scared himself, and Charlotte, to death.

“I know, you have every right to say that, and to be very angry with me.” If there was one thing they both knew, it was the price of accidents like the one he'd just had. They had lived through it all too vividly with Bobby. Jim himself had never recovered from it, nor had their son.

“I'm never going to be able to forgive you, and neither are you, if you have another accident with one of our kids,” Alice said, looking right at him, and he had tears in his eyes when he turned away from her.

“Look. I get it. I feel awful. You don't have to say anything, Alice. I said it all to myself after it happened.” And she could see that he meant it. “I just had a couple of beers before we came home.”

“I'm going to say a lot, Jim, if you do it again. If you drink, don't drive our kids. If you do, I'm going to leave and take them with me.” She had never said anything like that to him before.

“Are you serious?” He looked horrified by what she was saying. He could see that she meant it. Something in her had snapped when the hospital called.

“Look,” Jim insisted, “I told you it won't happen again.” She gave him a long hard look, and then silently walked out of the kitchen, went upstairs to their bedroom, and closed the door.

Jim came up a few minutes later, and said nothing to her. Alice was already in bed, and in no mood to talk to him. And as he slipped quietly into bed and turned off the light, Alice could hear Johnny and Bobby moving around in the next room. But Jim was so exhausted from the emotions of the evening, he seemed to hear nothing, and within minutes, he was asleep.

Chapter 9

The tension in the house
the day after Jim and Charlotte's accident hung over them like cement. Neither Jim nor Alice spoke at the breakfast table, Bobby was silent as usual, and Charlotte was in bed, asleep. And after Alice cleared the dishes, Jim stood watching her for a minute, trying to get up the courage to talk to her. But it was obvious she didn't want to talk to him.

“I'm going to the office today,” he said, as though expecting a reaction from her, but he got none. She turned around and looked at him in silence. “Will you be all right here with the kids? I mean, with Charlotte and everything….” His voice drifted off as he saw the pain and accusation in her eyes. It was obvious that she felt he had betrayed her. “Look, dammit, I didn't do it on purpose.”

“You didn't need to drink when you took her out. You could have waited till you got home.”

“I know,” he said in a choked voice. “I was excited about the game. She's going to be all right, Alice. I didn't kill her.” He tried to defend himself, but it was futile. They both knew he was wrong.

“If you want to risk yourself, I don't like it, but that's your choice. You have no right to make those kinds of decisions with our children.” What it told her was that she could no longer trust him with their children. Neither his driving nor his judgment could be relied on anymore.

“I won't do it again,” he said weakly, feeling rotten. He hated knowing that he had upset her, and Charlotte had gotten hurt.

“No, you won't,” she said with a different tone than he'd ever heard before, “because I won't let you.” He said nothing, and a few minutes later, he left, and Johnny walked into the kitchen and looked at his mother's face with concern.

“I hate it when you guys fight,” he said sadly.

“Do you blame me? He could have killed your sister.”

“Maybe this time it'll teach him a lesson.” But if he hadn't learned the lesson five years before, when Bobby nearly drowned, Alice was beginning to think he never would. Maybe his drinking was now a permanent part of their existence, and there was no hope that he would change it. For the first time, the night before, she had begun to accept that. And she didn't like what it meant for their future. She had always thought he would stop drinking eventually, or cut down dramatically, but he never had. If anything, he'd gotten worse over the years, since Bobby's accident. They had lost Johnny, and she had no intention of losing either of the others. Or him, if he decided to drive while he was drunk. “I'm sorry, Mom,” Johnny said sadly. It pained him to see her so worried.

She went upstairs to check on Charlotte then, and after a while, she came back downstairs to cook her breakfast. And Pam came over to visit her that afternoon. She had a date again that night with Gavin, and she had dropped in just to say hi, and was horrified when Alice told her what had happened to Charlotte.

Alice was still upset when Pam arrived, but she didn't tell her she had threatened to leave Jim over it. They talked for a while, and when Pam left, Alice took Bobby out for an ice cream, and then came home to fix dinner. And at seven, Jim still wasn't home, and she called him at the office. But he wasn't there either. She assumed he was on his way home, but an hour later, he was still out, and she was frantic. She couldn't help wondering if he had lied to her, not gone to the office at all, and was seeing someone on the side, or perhaps he was too drunk to come home. She had never suspected him of cheating on her before, but there was no telling what he might do, she realized now, when he'd been drinking. It felt as though their life had sunk to a new low.

He came in at eight-fifteen, looking nervous and uncomfortable, and he seemed surprised to see Bobby and Alice eating dinner at the kitchen table. She glanced up at him without a word, but she could see in an instant that he was cold sober.

“I'm sorry. I didn't realize how late it was,” he said awkwardly. “I just left the office. I had to catch up on some work.” You could have cut the tension between them with a knife.

“I called you over an hour ago,” she said, with eyes filled with accusation. She was still angry at him from the night before, and this added fuel to the fire.

“I had to stop somewhere on the way home. I said I was sorry,” Jim said, and she didn't answer him, but put dinner on a plate for him, as Bobby watched them. He could tell that something terrible was happening between his parents, and he escaped as soon as he could to his own room. Johnny hadn't been around all afternoon, and he was out that evening. There was no one for Alice to talk to, and Jim took refuge in front of the TV, but without the familiar six-pack this time, much to his wife's amazement. She wished Johnny were there to say something to, but he didn't appear again until eleven that night, and by then, Jim had gone up to bed without a word, and Alice had stayed downstairs for a cup of tea.

“Where have you been?” she asked as though he'd been out on a date and missed his curfew. She forgot sometimes that she no longer had to worry about him. The worst had already happened.

“I had dinner with Buzz and Becky. He took her to a real cute place. He takes her to much nicer restaurants than I did,” he said with a grin, and she laughed at the absurdity of the situation. Just sitting at the kitchen table with him lightened her mood, and the anger that had pervaded the house since the night before.

“Are you supposed to just hang around with them like that?” she asked with a look of amusement. At least he didn't look upset by it. He seemed pleased for her, instead of jealous.

“No one said I couldn't. She sure talks about me a lot, Mom.”

“I know she does,” Alice said quietly. “She really loved you.” She still did, Alice knew, but she didn't want to say that to him. There was no point reminding him, especially since he seemed in such good spirits after tagging along on Becky's date.

“They had a good time,” Johnny said. “He's nice to her. He's trying to talk her into trying to get a scholarship at UCLA, so she can go back to school with him. She said she was going to try, but she doesn't think she'll get in. It would be great for her if she did.” Alice nodded, watching him, and then he turned to her with a worried expression. “How was Dad tonight? Did you two make up?”

“Not really. He came home late again. But at least he was sober.” She could be open about it with him. He was old enough to understand the tensions between them. But nonetheless she didn't tell him that she was wondering if he'd gone to the office at all, or was cheating on her.

“Give him a break, Mom,” Johnny pleaded with her.

“He's as upset about it as you are. He just doesn't know what to do.”

“He needs to go to AA,” she said, sounding angry and bitter.

“Maybe he will. Maybe the accident woke him up.”

“He should have woken up five years ago, after Bobby's accident. It's getting to be a little late now.” She sounded angry and bitter, and Johnny looked sad.

“Don't be so hard on him, Mom.” And just as he said that to her, the door opened and his father walked into the room. Alice had her mouth open and was about to say something else to Johnny when she saw him and stopped in midsentence. She thought he was asleep, but he had come back downstairs for something to eat.

“Talking to yourself again?” he asked, looking tired. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately. He could often hear it from the next room. “You ought to see a doctor about that,” he said, as he left the kitchen and went back upstairs, and a few minutes later, Alice kissed Johnny good night, and followed suit.

They were in bed, side by side, before they spoke to each other again, “How's Charlotte feeling tonight?” He looked worried as he asked her.

“She's been asleep since this afternoon. You could go into her room in the morning and ask her yourself.” But he had hidden from her all day. He was too embarrassed over what had happened to want to talk to her. He had apologized to her the night before, all the way home from the hospital, and she had reassured him that she was all right. But knowing the risk he'd taken had upset him more than her. She didn't want to make things any worse than they already were at home, and she had thanked him again for coming to her game, and taking her out, which made him feel even guiltier than ever.

“I'll talk to her tomorrow,” he said vaguely, as he turned off the light, and lay next to Alice for a long time, wide awake, and thinking about his life.

Alice was already sound asleep when he finally curled up next to her, and fell into a deep sleep until morning. And when he stopped in to see Charlotte, she was still sleeping. Alice had gone to church, and Bobby was sitting alone in the kitchen. He had been talking to Johnny, but fell silent the moment he heard his father's footsteps approach.

Jim said nothing to him, poured himself a cup of coffee, and picked up the paper, as though Bobby weren't even in the room with him. And Johnny sat silent, watching. Johnny was still at the table with them, and he looked extremely pensive, as though he were concentrating on something. And after their father finished the paper, he put it down, and looked at Bobby, as though he'd suddenly had an idea.

“Your mom'll be back soon,” he said, as though to a lost child who had wandered into their kitchen, a total stranger. He had no idea how to talk to him anymore. Since Bobby couldn't answer, to Jim, there seemed to be no point talking to him, and Bobby knew that. There were things Bobby would have liked to say to him, but knew he couldn't. And even now that he had begun speaking to Johnny and his mom again, he knew his father wouldn't understand. “Do you want something to eat?” Jim asked, not sure what the serious expression in the child's eyes meant, but he looked as though, for once, he was trying to understand. “Have you had breakfast?” Bobby nodded his head as Jim sighed. “It's not easy talking to you,” Jim said, not suffering from a hangover for the first time in years. He hadn't had a drink in nearly two days. “Why don't you answer, or at least try to? Don't you think you could talk, if you wanted to? I'll bet you could.” He was wishing the child to talk to him, but there was not a sound from him. “You don't even try,” he said, looking frustrated as Johnny gently touched his brother's hand, as though to reassure him that everything would be all right. He didn't need to be afraid of his father. Johnny wanted to convey to his brother that everything was going to be fine.