Johnny Angel (5 page)

“What's wrong?” Charlotte asked with a look of panic on her face, as she watched the paramedics bending over her mom. Even Charlie could see that Alice was gray, and she started to cry as they worked over her mother's lifeless form. “What happened, Dad?” she asked, crying uncontrollably.

“I don't know,” he said in a choked voice. “She's been vomiting blood.” He didn't even think to reassure Charlotte, he was too worried about his wife to think of her. He had no time for anyone but Alice now. He wanted to hear what the paramedics had to say.

“It could be a number of things,” they explained, “most likely a bleeding ulcer. We've got to take her right in. Will you come with us?” they asked, as they put her on a stretcher and covered her. Even in her unconscious state, she was shivering, and slipping rapidly into shock from the blood she'd lost.

“I'll be right there,” Jim said, pulling on his pants, and slipping into shoes without socks. He put on a sweater, grabbed the phone, and called Pam. He told her what was happening, and asked her if she could come and stay with the kids until he got home. He hated to impose on her, but he couldn't think of who else to call.

“Just go with her. I'll be over in five minutes. Don't worry about the kids. Becky can stay with mine here. Just take care of Alice, Jim. I've been worried about her for a long time.” They had all seen how much weight she had lost, but no one said anything. They knew why, and how hard it was for her to come back to life again. It had been the worst four months of her life since Johnny died in June.

Jim climbed into the ambulance with her, without saying a word to his kids before he left. And Charlotte sat huddled in her parents' bed like a lost child. Pam found her there, and hugged her tight. And then she checked on Bobby, when she could leave Charlie finally, but he was still sound asleep, much to her relief. She made warm milk for Charlie after that, cleaned up the blood on the bedroom carpet, and they sat at the kitchen table, talking for hours. About how miserable life was without Johnny now, how upset her parents had been, how much her father drank, and how destroyed her mother was. Charlie told Pam that their lives would never be the same again, and Pam admitted that was true, but it would be a lot better again one day. It wouldn't always be like this, and in time Alice would make her peace with it, and be able to turn her full attention to them again. For the moment, she was being crippled by grief, but Pam assured Charlotte that it was a process and not an end.

Pam called the hospital after she got Charlotte to bed, and she talked to Jim. They were still working on Alice then. She was being given powerful medications by IV, they had sedated her, and they were giving her two units of blood. She wasn't out of the woods yet, by any means. She had regained consciousness once, briefly, but the last time he had seen her she was unconscious again. He said she was in a private room next to the ICU, and there was an ICU nurse with her. The doctors were checking on her constantly, and they wouldn't let him stay in the room. He could only go in for five minutes every half hour. And when he did, Alice looked terrible to him.

“What exactly do they say is wrong with her?” Pam sounded desperately worried as she listened to him, and he sounded sober and scared beyond belief.

“She has an ulcer apparently. They think the bleeding has stopped now. But if I hadn't gotten her here as fast as we did, she could have died.”

“I know,” Pam said quietly. “Thank God you did.”

“Thanks for staying with the kids, Pam,” he said, sounding drained. “I'll call and let you know how things are here.”

“Call me anytime. I'll grab the phone as soon as it rings, so it doesn't wake the kids.”

“Thanks, Pam,” he said again, and went back to his wife. The nurse told him she was sedated and would sleep for hours, and they offered him a bed in the waiting room, for the night. He didn't want to leave her there, and seemed grateful to stay. And as soon as he lay down on the cot they'd given him, he fell asleep. He was exhausted from the strain of worrying about her, and by then it was the middle of the night.

Alice was sleeping more peacefully by then, and she hadn't vomited again. Her blood pressure was slightly higher than it had been, and the nurse came in every twenty minutes now to check her vital signs, but they were satisfied that she wasn't about to die. They left her alone in the room for twenty minutes at a time, and she was in a deep sleep, filled with complicated dreams. She couldn't tell where the dreams were leading her, but after a while, she was aware that Johnny was walking along at her side. He seemed happy and at ease, and after a while, he turned toward her with a smile and said, “Hi, Mom.” It was just the way he had looked every night when he came home from Becky's house after work, and she had dinner waiting for him.

“Hi, sweetheart, how've you been?” Alice was aware of being able to talk to him in the dream, and she noticed how well and happy he looked and she was glad. She felt more awake than asleep, but she knew she had to be asleep if she was seeing him. She also knew she didn't want the dream to end.

“I'm fine, Mom. But you're not in such great shape. What have you been doing to yourself?” She could see the worry in his big brown eyes. He was wearing a clean blue shirt, and jeans, and his favorite shoes, and she wondered how he had managed to take them with him. She distinctly remembered, even in her dream, burying him in a different pair, and his one dark suit. But the mystery of what he was wearing seemed too deep to solve.

“I'm okay,” she reassured him, “I just miss you a lot.” She had an odd sense that she wasn't actually saying anything, but talking to him in her head. And she wasn't sure how.

“I know you miss me, Mom,” he said gently. “But that's no excuse to fall apart. Charlie's really sad these days, and Bobby is a mess.”

“I know they are. I don't know what to do for them.”

“Dad needs to start going to her games, even if she is a girl. She's a better athlete even than I was. And Bobby's not listening to you anymore. You have to do something about it, Mom, or he's going to slip into a worse place.” He was already nearly autistic now, and she had been worrying about the same thing.

“Why don't you talk to Dad?” she said sensibly, and he smiled. She could see him perfectly with her eyes closed, and she could hear him in her head.

“He can't hear me, Mom. You can.” She knew Johnny was right because this was her dream, not Jim's. “You've got to get well now, Mom. You can't do anything for anyone until you do that. You have to get well and go home.” She could hear his voice with perfect clarity in the stillness in her head.

“I don't want to go home,” she said miserably and started to cry in the dream. “I hate being home without you now. It makes me too sad.” He stood watching her for a long time, not sure what to say to her, as she cried. He put an arm around her, and she blew her nose. “I'm never going to get used to this,” she said, trying to explain it to him, as though it would make a difference now and he could change his mind, and come back, if she talked sensibly to him.

“Yes, you will,” Johnny said emphatically, “you're very strong, Mom.” He sounded very firm.

“No, I'm not,” she sobbed. “I can't be strong for everyone, your father, myself, Charlie, and Bobby. I don't have anything left to give.”

“Yes, you
do,”
Johnny insisted, and then there was a sound in her dream, like another voice talking to her. This one seemed to come from far away, and she didn't recognize it. She opened her eyes to see who it was. It was the nurse. And as she looked at her, her sense of Johnny talking to her disappeared.

“You're having mighty busy dreams tonight, aren't you?” the nurse said pleasantly, taking her blood pressure again, and looking pleased by what she saw. Things were looking better for Alice again. But for a while there it had been a close call.

Alice closed her eyes and went to sleep again, and as soon as she did, she found the dream. And it was comforting to find Johnny waiting for her as soon as she did. He was sitting on a low wall, swinging his feet, as he had done as a little kid. And he hopped off the wall as soon as he saw her again, but as soon as she spoke to him, he didn't like what he heard.

“Johnny, I want to come with you.” She had been waiting to say that to him for four months. And now she could in the dream. It had been in the back of her mind for a while, but she had never actually formulated the words, or admitted it to herself. She wanted to be with him. She couldn't live without him anymore.

“Are you out of your mind?” Johnny looked shocked. “And leave Bobby, Charlie, and Dad? No way. They need you too much. I don't make the decisions around here, but I can tell you no one here would buy that idea. Forget it, Mom. Shape up.” He sounded angry at her.

“I can't do it without you,” Alice said unhappily. “I don't want to be here.”

“I don't care. You still have work to do. And so do I,” he said, sounding far more grown-up than he had when he left.

“What kind of work do you have to do?” his mother asked him, sounding curious, but he shrugged. He was sitting on the wall again, swinging his feet.

“I don't know. They haven't told me yet. Something tells me it's going to be a big job, given your attitude and the shape you're in. How can you be like this, Mom? You've never been a quitter before.” He sounded disappointed in her, and she looked up into the familiar eyes and wished she could touch his face, but something told her she could not. She knew instinctively that if she did, she might wake up.

“You've never been dead before. I can't take this, sweetheart. I just can't.” He hopped off the wall and stood looking at her as she said the words. He seemed angry and sounded very firm when he spoke again.

“I don't ever want to hear you say that again. Behave yourself.” He sounded more like the father than the child, and seemed suddenly very grown-up. And even Alice was aware that it was a very odd dream. It had a strange feeling of reality to it, as though she were in a different world with him.

“All right, all right,” she felt and sounded like a kid as he scolded her and she answered him. “You don't know how hard it is, being here without you.” She had wanted to say that to him for months, and was relieved that she could now.

“I know. I hated leaving so fast. It came as a surprise. And poor Becky. I hated leaving her too.” He looked sorrowful as he thought of it, and Alice's heart ached for him.

“She's doing a little better now,” his mother reassured him, and he nodded, as though he knew more about it than she did.

“She's going to be fine. She just doesn't know it yet. And so will you, and Charlie, and Bobby, and Dad. If you'd just do what you have to do to get over it, and if Dad would go to Charlie's games, things might get better a little faster than they are. You guys sure aren't making this any easier for me,” he said, looking a little tired, and very concerned. She noticed that he seemed to be fading a little as she talked to him, as though he'd stayed long enough and was worn out.

“I'm sorry, sweetheart. I didn't mean to let you down,” she said apologetically, hoping the dream wasn't about to end. She had an odd sense that he was going to slip away and she was about to wake up.

“You never have let me down, Mom. And I know you won't now. Right now, just get well, and then we'll talk about the other stuff.”

“When?” She wanted to know when she'd see him again. She had never had a dream like this since he died.

“I told you, when you get well. Right now, I don't want you to worry about anything.”

“Why not?”

“Because you're sick, and I don't have my assignment yet anyway.” He was speaking cryptically, and she was confused. But they were still strolling along, and he looked as real as he ever had.

“What assignment?”

“Don't worry about it, Mom.” He looked very adult as he spoke to her, and she was relieved to see how well he was.

“Are you in school?”

“I guess you could call it that. Maybe I have to earn my wings.” As soon as he had said it, he laughed. And then he gave her a kiss and walked off, and she wanted to run after him, but suddenly she found she couldn't follow him. It was as though a wall had come up, and she had to stop. She watched him disappear, but she didn't feel as sad as she had, and when the nurse woke her up the next time she took Alice's blood pressure, she smiled when she woke up. It had been the most beautiful dream she'd ever had.

“You look like you're feeling better, Mrs. Peterson,” the nurse said, looking pleased, and after she left, Alice drifted off to sleep again, but this time she didn't see Johnny in her dreams. And that morning when Jim came to see her with the kids before he left to get dressed for work and they went to school, she almost told them about the dream she'd had, and then thought better of it. She didn't want to frighten them, and she sensed that she should keep it to herself. It was hard talking about things like that with Jim anyway, and she suspected that Bobby was afraid of ghosts.

The doctor decided to have her stay in the hospital one more night, and Pam came to see her that afternoon, and they talked for a while. And Jim called to tell her that he had decided to stay home that night with the kids. Alice reassured him that she was fine, and that night when she went to sleep, she saw Johnny in her dreams again. She loved the new dimension she'd discovered with him, and she wanted to sleep all the time. And he seemed happy and in a great mood, and they talked about a lot of things, Becky, and school, the jobs he had had over the years, and why his father drank so much. They both knew it was because of the accident five years before, but Johnny said it had been long enough, and it was time he stopped. It was as though Johnny had suddenly become wise beyond his years.

“That's easier said than done,” Alice said to her son quietly. “I don't like it either, but as long as Bobby can't talk, your father is going to be consumed with guilt.”

“He'll talk one of these days, when he's ready to. And then Dad won't have any excuse anymore.”

“What makes you think Bobby will talk?” She had given up all hope of that about two years before. They had done everything they could for him, and nothing had improved or changed. Nor would it now, she felt sure.