Joe Bruzzese (8 page)
Authors: Parents' Guide to the Middle School Years
Situation:
Your child spent the first week of school ranting about how strict his math teacher was, using the word
unfair to
describe his anticipated homework load. He pleads, “Can I switch to a different class?”
Suggested action:
Do nothing, outside of acknowledging that school can be challenging at times. You can try sharing a personal story about a difficult teacher from your past, though that probably won't do much to diminish your child's angst. Don't assume the problem solver role; your budding middle schooler is capable of taking on this challenge. You can, however, monitor your child's progress by asking to see graded assignments and tests. If the academic rigor exceeds what you consider to be realistic, then send a brief email to the teacher inquiring about how you can support your child's ongoing achievement. If his progress remains stagnant or begins to head south of the C range, ask for a formal conference.
Situation:
Midway through the academic quarter, you open the mailbox to find your child's progress report. Verbal assurances from your child over the past few weeks that everything was “fine” left you unprepared for the less than satisfactory tally of grades you now see.
Suggested action:
Before picking up the phone or heading to the computer to set up a formal inquiry with your child's teachers, take a few minutes to talk with your child. Unless the grades border on failure, give your child a chance to brainstorm a list of ideas for academic improvement. If you jump in too soon with a barrage of helpful hints (or a warning of severe consequences), you strip your child of all responsibility for personal improvement. An informal sit-down with him is often all it takes to generate a list of new strategies. Lectures and severe consequences result in short-term changes at best. You have a better chance of seeing long-term positive change if, with your support, your child makes a firm commitment to act on his own ideas for improvement.
Situation:
Your child's course schedule has been challenging from the beginning of the quarter. Nightly assignments and test preparation keep her studying late into the evening hours. The extra
effort at home hasn't translated into improvement at school. Over the past three weeks, her test grades and assignment results have slipped significantly. When you've tried to offer her support, she's responded with irritation, assuring you “Everything is fine” and “Just let me deal with it.”
Suggested action:
Kids tend to achieve at a fairly consistent level over time. A rapid descent in academic achievement is a signal that something is amiss. A child's reluctance to discuss the issue is further cause for alarm. In this case, your first step should be to contact the school. Try sending a brief email or leaving a voicemail, expressing concern for your child's recent academic decline and asking for suggestions about how you can offer additional support. If a teacher's response indicates an equal level of concern, then suggest a short (twenty minute) meeting during after-school hours in which both you and your child can talk with the teacher. Although most adolescents balk at the idea of a three-way meeting, their attendance is absolutely essential if any long-term changes are to be achieved.
Situation:
Tension at home has reached an all-time high. With the exception of an occasional hello and goodbye, your child now communicates in short grunts. Although the recent report card shows solid marks, your usually jovial child seems caught somewhere between frustration and sadness. Repeated invitations to engage in family activities are met with little enthusiasm.
Suggested action:
A few poor academic outings or a recent blowup between friends coupled with the emotional changes brought on by puberty is the classic recipe for adolescent angst. When asked, most adolescents can't articulate a single reason for their emotional swings. Don't hesitate to talk with adults who affect your child's life. Connect with teachers, coaches, and adult mentors; they can be an invaluable source of information and support. Often the other adults in your child's life have observed some of
the same behaviors but dismissed them as isolated incidents. By gathering a variety of perspectives from the important adults in your child's life, you can gain a more complete picture of what may have led to your child's current emotional state. In a typical weekday he will spend more time with adults outside the home than with his parents, so it's in your best interest to keep in contact with this group of influential adults.
A well-established relationship with your child's teachers prepares both of you for the first of many formal achievement benchmarks: progress reports. The uncertainty associated with progress reports can be anxiety-producing, even for the high-achieving child. The self-imposed pressure to excel often keeps high achievers in a perpetual state of stress as they wait for confirmation of their progress.
About four weeks after school starts, your child's first progress report will arrive in the mail. Of course, you hope the report will be cause for celebration. Inevitably, though, some students (and parents) suffer from progress report shock when they see their grades, because they hadn't paid attention to exactly how well (or poorly) they were doing. To avoid this anxiety, try a slight shift in thinking: instead of dreading the report, consider looking forward to it as an opportunity to affirm achievement and take action on any challenges it may present. One way to begin this shift is to encourage your child to be proactive about monitoring her progress by asking the teacher for an informal progress report every two to three weeks. The following two-minute check-in strategy is a short, structured approach that your child can use for initiating a conversation with any middle school teacher.
After the first several weeks of school have passed, suggest that your child stop by each of her classes either before or after school with the goal of spending two minutes talking with each teacher
about her progress. Here are some sample questions to use during this conversation.
COACHING TIP
For adolescents to truly benefit from informal progress reports, they must obtain them without continued prodding from their parents. As soon as a parent starts to demand rather than suggest an informal report, the child no longer owns the reporting or achievement process. Overly eager parents can diminish their child's interest in school and achievement by trying to take over the learning process, essentially sabotaging their child's progress toward independence. Rather than assuming responsibility for your child's success or failures in school, anticipate the sense of fulfillment that comes from watching your child achieve, independently of your effort and influence.
“Hi, Ms./Mrs./Mr. ________, I just wanted to stop by and ask you about how I'm doing in your class. Is now a good time, or should I come back?”
Once the teacher invites your child to continue the conversation, she can ask,
“Am I missing any assignments or projects?”
“How can I improve my grade in your class?”
“How can I challenge myself this quarter?” (An especially good question to ask if the child already has an A!)
The insight your child gains from these informal progress reports can be an invaluable part of her growth during the school year. Adolescents naturally yearn for independence. Taking responsibility for talking with teachers, particularly about academic achievement, gives adolescents a real opportunity to become more independent. Teachers begin to anticipate these informal conversations and provide more detailed feedback for your child. The ongoing communication with teachers helps your child develop greater confidence in her ability to talk with adults in authority positions, which feeds her ever-growing desire for independence.
From a teacher's perspective, your child's initiating these conversations translates into a genuine interest in learning. Teachers love to work with students who show a passion for learning. Beyond the strictly academic information children receive, informal progress reports provide additional opportunities to build relationships with the valued members of their support teamâa skill that will serve them for years to come.
COACHING TIP
The hours outside of school can be busy for teachers, so encourage your child to be persistent in efforts to find a time for a two-minute check-in with each teacher.
Put the tools we've talked about in this chapter to work, and you will be rewarded with strong teacher relationships that ultimately lead to a much easier trip through the middle school years. Much of academic progress is based on the relationships children have with their teachers. Everyone remembers a few teachers who didn't rank very high on the likeability scale. It's hard for a student to make progress in a subject if he has a strained relationship with the teacher. By contrast, the school years you spent with some of your favorite teachers were undoubtedly filled with highlights and marked by significant progress. Considering the academic rigor most kids find in their middle school curriculum, it helps to have a team of teachers who are personally invested in their progress.
Of course, relationships alone won't make up for missing assignments or not preparing for the weekly math test. At some point your child must step up and take responsibility for putting in the effort necessary to learn and achieve. For kids new to the middle school routine, confronting a full backpack of homework can be overwhelming.
Chapter 3
is focused on connecting you and your child with tested and proven strategies for getting things done in the after-school hours. We will look specifically at ways
to sort through and organize what needs to be done, so when your child does sit down to begin the evening study routine she feels confident she can complete a list of assignments without taking the entire evening to do it. Let's look at the ways in which you can help your child complete homework efficiently and effectively.
Getting Ahead in Class
and Staying There
BUILDING STRONG TIES
with teachers and connecting with a positive peer group set the stage for your child's successful middle school experience. After the school day ends, kids face the reality of a full night of studying. Some middle schoolers report spending upward of five hours a night completing assignments and studying for tests. Creating a plan for tackling the rigors of a middle school day begins weeks ahead of ever setting foot on the school campus.
In the weeks leading up to school, find thirty minutes of uninterrupted time to share with your child in
mind mapping
. The goal of this activity is to create a vivid picture of your child's year-long goals. Ask your child to choose a location for the mind mapping activity. A trip to the park or a favorite restaurant for lunch may set the stage for a productive brainstorming session.
A road map is most useful when you can identify two things: where you are and where you are going. Knowing what you have already accomplished is a valuable step toward achieving a goal. Most teachers, parents, and students focus on where they're going, often beginning with the end in mind. However, there is great
value in first thinking about where you are now, and
then
setting your sights on where you would like to beâthe goal.
Choose the medium (talking, writing, or drawing) that best fits your child's personality, then guide him through the following steps:
Step One:
Ask your child to think about his experiences as an elementary school student. Brainstorm ideas in the following areas: learning strengths, weaknesses, challenges, interests, and dreams. When your child begins to run out of ideas, ask if it would be OK for you to share any additional ideas.
If the brainstorming format doesn't produce any ideas, consider free-writing for five minutes, in response to the following questions. If talking seems easier than writing, consider recording your child's ideas on a voice recorder.
