Joe Bruzzese (22 page)

Step Four:
Depending on your middle schooler's state of mind and attitude after articulating his responses to the first three steps, you might decide to forgo this step. If your conversation is still relatively civil, then proceed with the following question: “What can you do over the next seven days [target the exact day—seven days from now could easily seem like seven weeks from now in an adolescent's mind] that will help you to achieve your goal?” Add any new ideas to the goal-setting paper. The purpose of looking seven days into the future is to use the momentum your adolescent has generated in the first two days to propel him forward toward the successful achievement of his goal.

Step Five:
Celebrate achievement. On day seven, ask your child two questions: “What did you do this week to achieve your goal?” and “How can we celebrate?” Yes, you can make the assumption that your child's goal was achieved. When you anticipate achievement, remarkable things happen. Your celebration doesn't have to be anything elaborate—just something he will enjoy.

Through small, consistent achievements, adolescents learn how to develop a healthy sense of independence. Imagine your sense of pride when your child leaves home years from now with the confidence and ability to succeed on his own.

Although academic achievement can easily become the focus of parental concern, your adolescent also needs a clear and consistent set of expectations for his role as a member of your family. Arguments frequently erupt over issues of curfew, computer time, phone calls, and a host of other peer-related issues. To maintain a sane environment in your home and among the members of your family, you'll need to develop a clear set of expectations for each of the trouble spots. As you consider your stance on the
issues just listed, think about the consequences you are willing to enforce should your child fail to live up to the expectations you have shared with him. Consistency in enforcing consequences is just as important as the actual expectations you choose to implement at home. Even though most adolescents wouldn't admit to it in the moment, they want consistency; in fact, they thrive on it—particularly when it comes from their parents.

With a clearer picture of how to identify and meet your child's needs, let's take the next step toward builder a stronger and more productive family. This begins with creating a vision of what you would like your family to be.

If creating a vision is your blueprint for success, then goal setting and achievement are the building blocks you'll use to assemble it. Goals are the specific actions or outcomes that bring you closer to realizing your vision.

Is academic achievement at the top of the list, or do you hope this will be the year your child breaks out of her social shell? Who will guide your child's development? A vision defines a direction toward a goal. Realizing a vision requires support from a motivated group of individuals—a team of people who band together through adversity, inspire motivation, and acknowledge achievement.

Take ten minutes to create a list of adjectives that describes how you envision your family in the coming year. The adjectives on your list are the foundation of your vision for the coming middle school year. Next, create a series of statements that connect the adjectives on your list with specific actions that you believe will bring your vision to life.

For example, one of your goals may be for the family to be less stressed and more relaxed. Short day trips or mini-vacations can help everyone take a break from the usual routine; often resulting in renewed appreciation of staying connected. Relaxed families often benefit from time to do what they enjoy most. Sometimes this means giving each member the chance to engage in an activity separately. The time you each spend alone may help bring a more relaxed feeling to the time you share together.

Successful families work together as a team to create both short- and long-term objectives. Perhaps the time has come for a strategic planning session with your family. Check your calendar and select a time when the family can spend an hour together. Congratulations! With a date on the calendar you have taken the first step toward committing to action.

When the time comes, open your meeting with the following question: “If our year went exactly the way we wish it would, what would we have achieved by June?” Each person should have the opportunity to respond and share ideas without interruption or debate. Record the responses on a piece of paper. Some goals may focus on academic achievement; others may have a more personal focus. The more specific and measurable these outcomes are, the easier it will be for each member of your family to follow through toward completion of his or her goals. For example, your child's goals may look like this: “Join the club soccer team” and “Earn a B average in school.”

Accept all ideas without judgment. When all have added their ideas, take a moment to review the list by reading each idea aloud. Allow time for any needed adjustments. Resist the temptation to edit your child's ideas. Adolescents place great value on their ability to share ideas in a meaningful way. Making changes to what your child has said removes any authenticity or meaning from the activity and puts the decision-making power back into your hands. You can ask your child to commit to achieving a series of goals only if you freely give him the power to decide what those goals are.

Written goals act like magnets, pulling the creators toward the manifestation of their dreams. Yet many families forgo this very important exercise, opting instead for a day-to-day approach to their year that may leave everyone frustrated and anxious. Written goals become measurable benchmarks for progress and thus are more powerful. Regularly reviewing your list of goals is like sailing with GPS navigation. If your boat veers off course, a quick glance helps you regain your bearings and progress toward your destination.

It takes time to define a series of goals. The real work is making a daily commitment to taking action that leads to the achievement of your goals. Many great plans fail mainly because people don't make the effort required to put the plan into action. One of the best ways to ensure that family members reach their goals is through
ongoing communication that acknowledges achievement and celebrates success. Research shows that regular communication helps families stay connected during the adolescent years.

School, sports, and a variety of other extracurricular interests challenge a family's ability to stay connected during the school year. Before the back-to-school routine begins to take hold, think about how you would like your family to be this year. How often do all of you come together to share a meal, enjoy a weekend afternoon, or have a conversation? With a clear picture of how you would like your family to be, the path to realizing this ideal becomes clearer too.

Even the most well-devised plan will hit a few snags along the way. Anticipating the inevitable rough spots won't entirely eliminate frustrating moments or arguments, but it will help to minimize the intensity and frequency of challenging situations. What portion of the weekend will your child's budding social life consume? Does your family designate a specific portion of the weekend for together time? Attempt to strike a balance by sharing your plans for the impending weekend by midweek, while asking your child to do the same. Last minute invitations are inevitable for both kids and parents, but your response doesn't need to be. If accepting a spur-of-the-moment invite puts everyone's schedule in a bind or compromises a previously scheduled family event, consider turning down the invitation in favor of holding to your original plan.

In addition to the frustration associated with tightly scheduled weekends, families can fall prey to periodic angst connected with open periods of time when the regular routine disappears. Holidays and the long summer break from school are two typically tense times for families.

The break from school means a break from routine. Kids enjoy the extra leisure time, while parents busily prepare for the holiday festivities. Many of us feel compelled to participate in everything
that comes our way, automatically accepting invitations for holiday parties, parades, and gift exchanges that we later regret. The added number of activities can result in extra stress during a time when there may already be an overload of regular commitments. Before the clamor and chaos of the holiday season set in, take a moment to sit back and envision your ideal holiday experience. Can fun and family coexist during the holidays? Where does holiday shopping and entertainment fit into your vision for the coming months? With a clear vision in place of how you want your holiday season to be, you have a much better chance of realizing your vision.

Long before the holiday season approaches, plan for a portion of your weekly check-in to include a family brainstorming session focused on the impending season of joy. Use the following activity to guide your brainstorming session. Commit to taking action on your ideas in the week that follows your initial vision planning session. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of thinking
The holidays are months away. I have more pressing things to do
. Plan ahead for what you want to experience, then delight in what actually unfolds.

Begin by creating a list of adjectives that describe your previous holiday experiences. Cross out any adjectives that don't create a positive picture in your mind. You may decide to throw out the entire list.

On a second piece of paper, list the adjectives that describe your ideal holiday season. Remember, this is your ideal so use words that truly represent the vision of what you want to experience.
Nice
and
good
don't create a vivid enough picture. If nice and good really mean
relaxed
and
peaceful
, then choose these more evocative words. The richer the description, the more likely you are to choose a course of action that matches it.

With the second list in hand, create one action statement for the coming day or days. The statement should define a specific
action you and your family members can complete within the holiday that will bring you closer to realizing the ideal you have envisioned. If one of the adjectives on your list was
relaxed
you could use the following action statement, “I will find thirty minutes in the coming week to engage in an activity I enjoy.” Commit yourself to this activity by circling a date on the calendar.

Continue to create action statements every several days that drive you toward your ideal vision for the holidays. With a frequent and consistent commitment to your family's vision, your set of action statements will naturally begin to bring you closer to realizing your ideal. Revisit your list of adjectives every week. Add new words to the list at any time as long as they align with your original vision.

When opportunities arise to engage in holiday activities, consider whether your involvement would bring you closer to or further from your ideal. With a clear picture in mind, it will be easier to decide to pass on certain activities.

Do you know how some kids look forward to summer? From around the start of Daylight Saving Time, kids begin living for the time when school is out. Parents, in comparison, often dread the freedom summer brings; they view the three-month stretch as an ongoing challenge of keeping their kids busy and out of trouble.

With the plethora of opportunities summer offers, parents need to narrow the field and eliminate those activities that don't fit with their child's interests. Here are three ways parents can help their children identify potential interests.

Direction
. From your child's activities in elementary school, some lines of interest should already be apparent. Are they interested in travel, music, mathematics, art, or computers? One of the easiest ways to uncover hidden interests is for parents and kids to visit a bookstore three to five times over the next few weeks and buy
a couple of magazines on each visit. The only caveat is that you choose different magazines each time.

On the first few visits, kids tend to focus on similar magazines. Your child may get frustrated when forced to choose a magazine covering a new interest. But over time (and probably without ever letting anyone know) kids actually begin to appreciate the challenge of seeking out new interests. Without the continued opportunity for discovery, kids return to the tried-and-true set of interests and activities, much like the magazine subscription whose issues continue to arrive but no one ever reads any more.