Jet: A Marked Men Novel (20 page)

“No, but she sounded like shit, so I figured something must have happened.”

I snorted and closed my eyes for a second.

“I told her I was going on tour, told her I could love her, and I stopped her from having seriously awesome, bare-back sex in the front seat of the Challenger. Then she effectively dumped me, right after I got the call that all my worldly possessions had been stolen. Today can suck it.”

“She give you a reason why?”

“She didn’t have to. It’s not like we were dating or in a relationship or anything solid like that.”

“That doesn’t sound like Ayden.”

My heart squeezed so hard in my chest I actually had to rub the area with the palm of my hand to relieve the pressure.

“Well, I’m the one sitting here feeling like I got kicked in the nuts and then run over by a truck, and I’m pretty sure it was a whiskey-eyed brunette who did it. So, yeah, that sounds just like Ayden.”

He shook his head and not a single blond hair moved out of that fifties style he liked to slick it up into.

“I just think it’s probably more complicated than that. She sounded as torn up as you look, and any idiot that gets within a few feet of you two can feel that there is something powerful there. Hell, I saw that the very first time you laid eyes on her at the Goal Line and I was trashed.”

“Sex.” I blew out a breath. “We have awesome chemistry and really hot sex, that’s all it is, all she ever wanted it to be.”

“I just don’t think that’s the entire story.”

“Well, that’s the one she’s telling, and now I’ve got all this to figure out, and court, and my fucked-up family. I don’t have time to try to do revisions or rewrites.”

He toed the crumpled can that had faced my wrath earlier.

“Do you think your dad had something to do with this?”

“Who else could it be? He’s too arrogant to ever ask about what I’m doing, so I doubt he knew about the security setup.”

“Maybe if you have him on tape you can use that to get him to drop the assault charges.”

“If I have him on camera, I’m putting his dumbass in jail for as long as I can. I’m not scared of community service or anger management classes, but if I can get him locked up for at least as long as I’m on the road, then I’ll know he won’t be able to put his hands on Mom while I’m gone.”

“Good point.” He put his hands on his hips and took one final look around the destruction.

“Do you want to stay here and sulk some more, or do you want to go find some dark bar to sit in and get wasted?”

What I really wanted to do was go get my guitar and find someplace quiet and alone where I could write the saddest songs ever, about a girl who simply didn’t want what I had to give her. That sounded more dangerous than drowning myself in Jameson, so I took the beefy hand he offered and let him pull me to my feet.

“Bar it is.”

T
wo things became apparent as soon as I pried my eyes open the next morning.

The first was that I didn’t have any pants on, and the second was that trying to drink an entire bottle of whiskey in order to forget a girl with whiskey-colored eyes was a terrible idea. I groaned and tried to turn my head, only to have pain and a starburst of bad ideas explode in every direction. Luckily, I could feel the leather material of the couch sticking to my bare legs, so I didn’t have to shove out an exploratory hand to make sure I was alone. I was all for drowning my sorrows, but going home with someone else just for spite didn’t seem right or fair to the other party. I was grateful that while he hadn’t seemed to care that I wanted to punish my liver, Rowdy had seemed to keep my hurt feelings out of my pants, wherever those might be at the moment.

It took me a solid five minutes to roll over and another ten to work up the courage to open my eyes. When I did, all I could do was groan and swear that I was never going to drink like that again. As usual, it was a vow I ended up breaking as fast as I could.

I heard Rowdy moving around the kitchen and I heard the tinkle of female laughter, so I made the Herculean effort to sit up and try to find my pants. I was in no state to be nice to whoever he had brought home from the bar with him, and I most assuredly was in no shape to do that in just my boxer-briefs. A groan escaped me and a herd of hippos started to river-dance behind my eyes when I swung my legs over the edge of the couch. I heard him and his friend walking toward me, but there was nothing on earth that was going to make me move any faster.

I gratefully took the mug of coffee Rowdy handed me over the back of the couch, and tried not to grimace as I tossed back the handful of painkillers he dropped in my hand. I tried to avoid the curious gaze of the blonde walking to the door. She was good-looking, at least I thought she was from what I could see through the haze of my hangover, and I vaguely remembered her and a friend joining us at some point in the night. She gave me a smile that I didn’t have the faculties to return and looked over at Rowdy, who had propped a hip on the back of the couch and was outright laughing at my sorry state.

“Too bad he was such a bummer. Heather would have loved to get her hands all over that.”

Considering I was mostly naked, I just closed my eyes and fell back against the couch cushions and prayed for the morning-after gods to swallow me up. I heard Rowdy chuckle and the front door open and close. None of us were strangers to the one-night stand, and this one had made less of a scene than some of them were prone to. It sucked that I was the one feeling like I had been caught doing the walk of shame, and I hadn’t even slept with her.

“What the hell happened last night?”

Rowdy moved off the back of the couch and plopped his big frame in the recliner across the room. His eyes were serious and he didn’t look amused, so I wondered if maybe he had had to work a little harder to get the blonde to come home with him, considering what a train wreck I had been.

“You never told me you were in love with Ayden.”

I blinked in surprise, which made my head throb. I would have frowned but something told me that was going to kill me, so I just tilted my head a little to the side and watched him cautiously.

“What are you talking about? I told you I was all jacked up over her.”

He shook his head and pointed a finger at my face. “Jacked up is not the same thing as being in
love
. Why in the hell did you just let her walk away yesterday?”

“I still don’t know what you’re talking about.” That was a lie, but I didn’t know where he was getting his information from, so I wasn’t ready to admit defeat just yet.

“Jet.” He sighed so deeply I could practically feel his exasperation through the floorboards. “You drank your weight in whiskey last night. For most dudes, that would mean you spent the night puking in the john or passed out in a yard somewhere. You, my friend, spent the night telling anyone who would listen about a girl with whiskey-colored eyes who just broke your heart. When that wasn’t enough, you told a very nice, very pretty girl who happened to think it was sweet and romantic that you were acting like a lovesick fool, that you were never having sex again because you weren’t a stud for hire, and that if it took a sweater vest to make her love you, then you would just argyle it up.

“Said hottie was still willing to come home with you, and, in fact, had her hand almost down the front of your pants, when you called her Ayden, not once, not twice, but three freaking times. Then she just thought you were sad. You were a mess, still are, and I don’t get why, if you feel that way about a girl who obviously has some pretty intense feelings for you as well, you’re just letting her slip away.”

I was in no mood for this kind of heart-to-heart. In fact, I was in no mood to think about Ayden or anything that had happened yesterday at all, but Rowdy wasn’t going anywhere and it wasn’t like I was in a hurry to go back to the house and face either her or Cora.

“She’s always running away. She tells me over and over again that I really don’t know her and she made it pretty clear, even as far back as last winter, that all she wanted was a quick hook-up. I don’t have it in me to be someone’s mistake. Look what that did to my mom.

“I’m going to go on this tour. I’m going to write an entire album of songs about how shitty it feels to get your heart two-stepped on by a chick with mile-long legs and cowboy boots, and then maybe when I get drunk enough, I’m going to take a hot Spanish girl to bed and let her whisper all kinds of things I don’t understand in my ear.”

We stared at each other for a long time and I grunted when he tossed me my pants from the other side of the room, and they hit me in the center of my chest.

“I think you’re an idiot for believing that any of those things are going to help. I think you should just tell her how you feel. I think you should demand to know exactly why she can’t handle more than that right now. Your mom accepts the blame for your dad’s unhappiness, and she feeds into, letting him act like the lunatic he is. Ayden is just convinced she needs something different, and if you could show her she was wrong, I think it would save the both of you a lot of unnecessary heartache. Besides, you don’t speak Spanish.”

It took way more concentration than it should have to get the first leg into the tight denim.

“That doesn’t matter. I’m in a band. That language translates across all barriers.”

He shook his head at me and pushed up out of the recliner.

“What are you going to do about her until you leave? You do recall you live across the hall from her, right?”

I froze, because I hadn’t thought of that. If she brought someone home, some guy with a blazer and an attaché case, some guy with perfectly coifed hair and nerd glasses, some guy that was the opposite of me, there was a good chance the rage exploding out of me would burn the house to the ground, and all the relationships that lived inside, with it. Even if she didn’t bring anyone home, there was still bound to be an awful awkwardness between us that was enough to make me shiver. Throw in Cora’s big mouth and tendency to pick at any open wound for her own amusement, and the next few weeks would be a nightmare.

I knew Rowdy would let me crash on the couch for as long as I wanted, but I had no desire to watch his parade of his morning-after castoffs. Normally, I would have just posted up at the studio, but seeing it all broken and stripped down was too much for me to take right now. Nash and Rule didn’t have any room, and while I could couch surf from place to place with the guys in the band, I needed a solid home base to operate from until the replacement stuff for the tour was locked down. That meant I was just going to have to suck it up and face my gorgeous tormentor head-on, like a grown-up.

“I guess I’ll just deal with it.”

“You’re going to have to keep it in your pants. Cora won’t let you drag groupies home regardless of that fact that it was Ayd who called it quits. She’ll claim she’s just protecting her.”

I swore. “I’m not in the market for a horde of groupies right now.”

It was true. Anonymous sex with nameless and faceless girls had served its purpose in my life, but now I could see how hollow and shallow it was. Being on the receiving end of being used for a sexual outlet, and nothing more, gave me an entirely new appreciation for all the chicks I had mercilessly skated out on the morning after. It was the reason I had initially turned Ayden down for so long ago. Even then, I knew one night with her had the ability to ruin me.

“Jet, I’m going to tell you this because I really think the two of you have something that could be forever. When you find someone, someone who gets you, who understand you, it’s worth fighting for. The last thing you want to do is be five years down the road and look back and wonder what could have happened. Trust me, that kind of regret that kind of what-if, can gnaw on your soul until there is nothing left.”

I looked at him like I had never really seen him before. Rowdy was the fun one. He was the one who was always quick to suggest a bar or the after-party. He was the one who came equipped with a joke and easy smile. In all the years we had been friends, all the times we had drunkenly spilled our deepest and darkest secrets, he had never hinted at something like that in his past.

“Are you speaking from experience?”

He just stared back at me and shrugged. Clearly it wasn’t a subject he wanted to delve into deeper, which was probably a good thing, considering I still smelled like the inside of a whiskey bottle and my head pounded like a drum solo from a Slayer song.

“Look, dude, I get that your mom and dad gave you a messed-up idea of what a solid relationship looks like, and I know none of us are going to get gold stars in the monogamy and happy-ever-after department. But I think you can see meant-to-be when it’s staring you in the face.”

I knew that what he was saying to me had validity threaded through it, but I just couldn’t reconcile trying to be who Ayden figured she needed in order to be happy, with the guy I really was and planned on being forever. I just didn’t think there was any way for us to be together when she wouldn’t let me all the way in, and I couldn’t get the fire inside me all the way out. Not that together was an option for either of us anymore.

Chapter 13

Ayden

O
ne morning you just wake up and realize the way things have always been doesn’t mean that’s the way they have to always be. I was so used to being called a whore, a slut, white trash, and all the things that just went along with the life I was living, that it didn’t even occur to me until it was almost too late, that leaving the place where I was that girl would mean leaving all of that behind. From the minute I crossed the state line out of Kentucky, the Ayden that was lost and so accustomed to being used and using was gone. Normally, I don’t miss anything about her, but lately that hasn’t been the case.”

I was squeezing the coffee between my hands and staring into the dark liquid like it held all the answers to every question the universe had ever asked. I could feel Shaw’s bright gaze picking me apart and dissecting me, but so far she had kept her mouth shut and just let me talk. We were in the corner of a coffee shop down by the school, and I could tell by the stiff way she was sitting that she wasn’t exactly happy with me. I had called her in a panic yesterday and she had agreed to the outrageous favor I’d asked, with the one condition that I come clean about every sordid detail of why I was currently in the horrendous situation I was in.

“I never knew my dad and, frankly, I don’t think my mama really knew him either. We lived in a crappy trailer on the poorest side of town that really only has a poor side, and it wasn’t uncommon for her to bring strange men home, or for all of us to go without food or lights for long stretches of time. Now, looking back I understand that she did what she had to do to keep a roof over our heads, which could very well be why my brother, Asa, turned out the way he did. People aren’t people to him, they’re just a means to an end, and for a long time, I was his favorite pawn to get those ends to meet.”

I could feel shame burn in the back of my throat, but those tears had long since fallen, and if I was going to cry now, it was going to be for the absolute look of betrayal, of disappointment that had crossed Jet’s face, without my even having to say a word.

“I was young and stupid, and at first I thought it was so cool that all my brother’s older friends wanted to hang out with me, and wanted to hook up with me. I thought I was popular and that I was living beyond the stereotype of trailer trash. Eventually, it became clear that Asa was using me, and he used my well-earned reputation of party girl—the girl who never said no to anyone or anything—in order to have access to the kids with money, the kids with drugs, the kids with whatever it was he wanted to get his hands on at the time. It’s amazing where a short skirt and a bad reputation will get you, and Asa exploited it for all he was worth. Had I been smarter, maybe more aware of myself and what was going on, I could have saved myself a lot of regret and painful memories.”

I finally risked a look at Shaw and some of the bitter edge had faded from her green gaze, but her mouth was still pressed in a tight line that didn’t look at all forgiving.

“I started messing around with drugs to make it more tolerable, to make it seem less like I was exactly what everyone was saying I was. Half the time I was doing what I was doing to keep Asa out of trouble or because I thought it would help a situation he had created, which made me feel awful time and time again. To this day I never asked if he knew what it cost me to help him in any way I could. He’s never said because I don’t think either of us could look the other in the eye if the truth was out there.”

Shaw’s mouth go flat concern, but she waited silently for me to continue. I wasn’t sure the concern was for the old me or the new me, but either way I just needed her to understand why I was making the decisions the way I was.

“I had a science teacher in high school, Mr. Kelly, who was keeping an eye on me. I always managed to get pretty good grades, even though I missed more classes than I ever attended. I guess he saw the wasted potential, the girl trapped by circumstance, and I think he had dealt with Asa a few years earlier, so he knew what my brother was capable of. He threatened to call the Kentucky Cabinet for Health and Family Services and get the state involved if my mama didn’t get her act together, and I guess it was enough to get her motivated to have Asa back off. Mr. Kelly forced me to fill out scholarship application after scholarship application, and hounded me until I practically got a perfect sixteen-hundred on the SAT. I guess I knew it was my one shot to get out of Woodward and if I didn’t do it, I was going to end up strung out and paying rent on my back, just like my mama.”

I shifted uncomfortably in the seat and shot a look around to make sure no one was listening in on our conversation. I was embarrassed to have all my dirty laundry out there. Not that I didn’t trust Shaw; it was just a wound that had never healed completely, and having someone else look at it made it open and bleed all over again.

“I got a partial scholarship to DU. Not enough to cover everything, but room and board were included and Mr. Kelly was so desperate for me to get away from Woodward and Asa’s influence that he pulled money out of his retirement account to make up the difference. Once I qualified for student loans, I paid him back as soon as I could. I got the Jeep at a junkyard and some of the guys who took auto shop fixed it up for some weed I stole from Asa. I hit the road and never looked back. When we moved into that dorm together, and I saw you all proper and elegant, I told myself that was what I was going to be from now on. No one was going to make me do anything I didn’t want to do, no one was going to question my worth or my value as a woman, no one was ever going to doubt that I was intelligent and driven. I was going to be all the things no one had ever given my mama a chance to be, and I wasn’t ever going back to Woodward. Asa was effectively dead to me. I had to get out from under the cloud of what I had let myself become.”

I blew out a breath and saw Shaw raise an eyebrow at me. This is where the favor I asked for came in.

“Only Asa isn’t dead or in jail. He’s here in Denver and he brought all the crap from Woodward here with him. There’s a guy named Silas in town who does really awful things for really terrible people back home. He’s the one who tried to break into the house when Cora was home. Apparently, Asa took something—some important book—from a biker gang and they want it back, bad. Silas will do whatever it takes to get the gang’s book, and I know Asa well enough to know he’ll do whatever he has to in order to keep it, if he thinks he can make money off of it. Asa has always counted on me to fix all his problems and I have no doubt my mom sent him out here for me to take care of him.”

Shaw clicked her fingernails on the table and tilted her head to one side.

“All right, Ayd. That sucks, really sucks, and I’m glad you finally told me all of it. I could kill the people who’ve hurt you. But I just don’t understand what any of this terrible story has to do with you breaking up with Jet, when you are clearly head over heels for him? When he would never treat you badly.”

I cringed, because there wasn’t anything in this world that was ever going to erase the look on his face when I dropped him off at the studio. The light that circled the outside of those midnight eyes had dimmed to the point of being black.

“We weren’t together, so I didn’t really break up with him.” That was as much as I could minimize the damage even if it was a blatant lie. I hadn’t just walked away from him and whatever it was we were building together, I had done what I do best—run.

I was startled because even though Shaw was tiny, when she wanted to, she had enough attitude to seem much bigger. I wasn’t expecting her to push away from the table and I wasn’t expecting her to glare down at me like I had just kicked her puppy across the room.

“We agreed on the truth, Ayd. If you can’t do that, then I’m not sitting here listening to this anymore. I’m already pretty pissed that you think any of that stuff in your past would have mattered to me. You know for a fact Rule was a manwhore, probably more of a slut than anyone really knows, and I loved him anyway. I would like to think that after our friendship took root, you would have known that I would have looked past anything to see all the wonderful things that make you, you.”

She was going to leave. She was actually walking away from me in a huff when I reached out a hand and clamped onto her arm. My brain was having a hard time getting around the fact she was angry about Jet, about how I had treated him, and not the fact I was asking to borrow twenty grand and the fact my past was so ugly and that I had kept it from her for so long.

“Shaw.” I was trying to find the words but she was on a roll.

“No, Ayd, you listen to me. I saw you with him the other night. Hell, I’ve seen the way you’ve watched him for over a year. No, he isn’t a guy who’s going to work in a cubicle and push paper around for a set salary. He is the guy who will turn you inside out, and make you forget about all those stupid boundaries you’ve set for yourself because you’re scared. Jet isn’t going to care about your past; he has one of his own that isn’t pretty. But, like a coward, instead of talking to him about it, you ran away from him when he needed you. You dropped him when he’s getting ready to go on tour for three months, and practically dared him to stick his dick in every European groupie who looks his way, just to get you off his mind.”

I pulled her back into the seat across from me, and waited until the curious stares her outburst had garnered died down. My heart already felt like a heavy stone in the center of my chest. When Jet hadn’t come home last night, every worst-case scenario I could come up with played through my head on an endless loop for hours. For the first time in forever, I cried myself to sleep while I was still wearing his shirt and wishing he were there to make it better.

“Look, I had to break things off. You don’t know my brother, but robbing Jet’s studio, taking everything that’s important to him, is right up Asa’s alley. I refuse to let someone I care about be my brother’s victim, because of me. Jet deserves to go on this tour, to have something just for him, finally. I did what I did to protect him.”

She sighed heavily and squeezed my hand. Some of the heat had faded out of her jade gaze.

“I think Jet is a big boy. I think if you were honest with him, he would not only be able to protect himself, but you as well.”

I shook my head vehemently. No.

“Asa is trouble and he just needs to go away.”

“So what? You think if he burglarized the studio, you can offer him the money and get the stuff back? I don’t understand.”

“I want the money to see if I can get the book back and get Silas out of town, and off my back. Asa is all about protecting Asa. If I tell him the studio had cameras, there’s a good chance he’ll take the money and run.”

“What if it was Jet’s dad? Rule and Nash were talking about it last night. They seem to think Jet’s dad is the most likely culprit. Apparently, there is a really ugly story there that neither one of them was inclined to share with me.”

It was my turn to sigh.

“I can’t take that risk. If it wasn’t Asa this time, it will be Asa next time. All this has made it pretty clear that no one is safe from him and the kind of havoc he can wreak. The closer you are to me the worse the destruction tends to be. I’m not willing to put Jet in that line of fire.”

We stared at each other for a long moment. I could see the wheels turning in her head, and could see her trying to put all the puzzle pieces together. I knew no matter what, she would come through for me. Shaw loved me, and since I had been with her when her world went upside down and sideways, I knew there was no way she would hang me out to dry when mine was hanging so precariously. Gulping down the fear, I bit down on my bottom lip and told her the truth that I had been shoving back for so long.

“Look, I don’t know about love, or being meant for someone, but I’m infatuated with him. He makes me smile just by being in the same room. When he touches me, I forget to breathe and when he sings to me, oh my Lord, when he sings to me there are no words to describe what that does to me. He has his own struggles, and his own bright and hot place that’s hard to get around because of the heat it generates, but that never stops him from trying to get to me. I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about him. I hate that he ever thought I was so pure, so breakable, but now I feel like I’m shattered into a million pieces of remorse and regret, because he knows just how fallible I really am. I might be in love with him, but I can’t be, because I’m not willing to be the one who destroys him.”

I could feel pressure and moisture build in my eyes, so I dug my nails into my palms to hold it back.

“I haven’t cared about his plans for the future, or compared what a life with him would look like instead of with a guy like Adam, ever since he kissed me in the bathroom on Valentine’s Day at the Fillmore. He’s just . . .” I trailed off and had to close my eyes to keep the emotion from spilling out. “Everything. He is just everything I want.”

Shaw swore softly under her breath. “Then don’t do this, Ayd. You’re making a terrible mistake. I don’t just think he’s everything you want; I think he’s everything you need.”

This conversation had shades of familiarity. We had gone rounds when she was trying to figure out what to do with Rule, so I knew she was coming from a place of honestly wanting what was best for me and wanting to see me happy. But she just didn’t understand what I was dealing with; no one that hadn’t had to deal with Asa could. That on top of the struggle Jet had on his hands with his messed up-parents I don’t know why I thought I could ever play with that kind of fire and not end up seriously burned. We were two people forever marked by those around us, and it hurt to know it was enough to keep us apart.

“Look, Shaw, I really need your help. Things with Jet are what they are, but things with Asa are going to keep snowballing until Silas doesn’t have a choice but to come after me or—God forbid—Cora. Let me handle it and maybe, just maybe, when Jet gets back from tour, we can figure something out.”