Je Suis a Toi (Monsters in the Dark Book 4) (11 page)

Baby.

My heart clutched at the word. I couldn’t stop my mood from souring or the harshness in my tone. “That’s a ridiculous reason.”

“It’s a perfectly valid reason.” Tess passed the pup to me. “Name him, Q. He’s yours.”

I backed up, wanting nothing to do with something so breakable. I had a hard time keeping Tess safe from myself, let alone a flimsy baby with no sense of fear.

“
Esclave…”

“No, Q. Hold him.” She gave me no choice, shoving the animal into my arms and backing away.

I held my breath as the squirming warm body did something to me that fucking hurt. All my life, I’d run from the notion of family. I never wanted children or weakness by giving my heart to too many people. Tess was the only one allowed to weaken me. If she died, I’d fucking perish with her. That was how deep my love for her went. I didn’t want to destroy myself by giving others such a godly power over me.

That wasn’t how I worked. I wanted to be strong by being alone. But then Tess came into my life and grabbed the beating organ without any permission from me.

She’d just done it again by giving me a dog that strained its scruffy black neck to lick my chin.

Ah, fuck.

Looking behind me, I focused on Frederick. “Take this. I wish to speak to my wife…alone.”

“It’s not a this, Q. It’s a puppy.” Tess scowled. “Give him a name. Any name you want.”

“Shut up.” I glared at Tess. “We’ll finish discussing this later.” Holding the dog like a soccer ball under my arm, I marched toward Franco. “Here, take it.”

Franco stood quickly, accepting the creature as it yelped with uncertainty. Tess stepped forward, whatever motherly instincts she had raging into gear.

But I held her back, my fingers lacerating her wrist.

“Go. All of you.”

The rumble of chairs pushed back and feet sliding over polished floorboards was the only sound as they filed from the hall. Frederick stopped and plucked the puppy from Franco’s arms, giving Tess a fleeting grin. “I’ve got a dog at home. I know how to give a hug. He’s safe with me.”

Tess gave him a grateful smile.

A flashback of him pulling Tess from my arms when I’d saved her the second time—just before I tore out the heart of the bastard who stole her—added despicable darkness to a sweet scene.

I waited until everyone had left. Staff included.

Once everyone had gone, I stormed toward the large doors and slammed them closed. My eyes darted around the space, searching for another entrance to block.

There was nothing.

As far as I was concerned, we wouldn’t be disturbed.

Which was good because depending on how Tess answered my next question, we might need a shit load of privacy.

Tess stood where I’d left her, her eyes never leaving my jerky movements.

Standing with a few metres between us, I kept my fisted hands hidden. “What else did you see, Tess?”

“See?”

“On my desk. In the office. I know there were more forms. Forms you haven’t mentioned.”

She flinched. “I didn’t snoop if that’s what you’re asking.”

“I’m not asking. I know. And I think you understand how it relates to my issue over the last few months.”

Her eyes shot wide. “I do?”

Keeping my voice measured, I lowered my brow. “What did you see?”

She backed away a little as I advanced. Her gaze remained on me, not looking where she was going.

“I…I saw another new charity that you’ve invested millions into.”

“And…”

“And what? I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“Say what it was.”

“The charity?”

I arched my eyebrow. She was playing coy; she knew what happened when she did that. My hand twitched to teach her a lesson. My skin crawled at the dragged out discomfort of such a topic. I hadn’t wanted to do this here. But once again, she hadn’t given me a choice. Making me face my deepest, darkest desires before I was ready.

I growled, “There was one for the shelters and another for…”

Tess swallowed. “Umm…”

The door clanged open. Angelique darted into the dining room.

Tess and I leapt apart as if we’d been caught doing something wrong.

Doing my best not to roar with frustration, I snapped, “I told you to leave us alone, Angelique.”

“I know…I just, Frederick told me—”

The man in question chased after his wife, taking my temper squarely on his shoulders. “I told her I needed to speak with you urgently.” Smiling kindly at Tess, he said, “If you go with Angelique, she’s arranging the chauffeur to drive us to the local village for a browse. I think it will do us all good to get some fresh air.”

Tess glanced my way, her face undecided. She was like me. She hated strung-out arguments and unresolved issues. We needed to talk about this—a lot sooner than I’d wanted but fucking Frederick had ruined the moment.

“What’s your deal,
mon ami
?” I snarled. “We need some time. We have no intention of going shopping when this hasn’t been discussed—”

Frederick stormed toward me, braving his life to touch my arm. “I think topics such as these should wait until you’re at home, don’t you?” Lowering his voice, so Tess couldn’t hear, he added, “Besides, you’re not entirely sure yet. Give it a few more days, Q. Then you can rage all you want.”

Fuck.

He had a point.

I still didn’t have my head on straight. If I opened this topic with Tess now, who the fuck knew what I would say. I didn’t want to hurt her. And the way my anger swirled like hissing dragons in my blood, I just might.

“Fine.” My voice was a bite.

Angelique visibly relaxed, looping her arm through Tess’s and pulling her from the dining room.

“We’re not through with this, Q.” Tess fought against Angelique’s propulsion “I want to know what you’re hiding from me.”

Gritting my teeth, I did my utmost to keep my voice neutral. “We’ll talk about it when we get home.”

“Home or here…it doesn’t stop what I saw.” Rebellion and fight—the same strength that I made her promise over and over to never let me break—blazed bright in her eyes. “I saw, Q. I know what the other charity was. But you’re wrong about me being able to figure out how it attributed to your behaviour the past few months. I said I’d give you time, but you’re quickly running out of it.”

Shit.

Before I could reply, Angelique gave me an apologetic smile and stole my wife from the room.

“HE’S NOT VERY good on a lead.” I forced my voice to be light and fun-filled but nothing could switch the stagnant air between Q and me. Not even the stumbling puppy currently chewing on his leash by my feet.

Damn Frederick and Angelique for interfering
.

If they’d stayed away for just another few seconds, Q would’ve admitted what he’d been hiding. I was sure of it. He would’ve had no choice but to spit it out. His temper wouldn’t have permitted it any other way.

We would’ve fought verbally. Hell, maybe even physically, and then we would’ve made up. We would've spent the entire day in bed, striping each other of our defenses. We would’ve hurt and healed together.

Instead of this farce.

Why is he so afraid?

Damn man not willing to talk.

I knew him as well as I knew myself, but I wasn’t a mind reader.

Suzette and Franco strode ahead, their hands interlocked as they browsed quaint tourist shops and cafes. The cobblestones reminded me of the village where Franco had chased me after I’d escaped and called Brax. But the air of relaxed charm did nothing to tame Q as he stalked beside me.

Frederick did his best to change the mood, chatting quietly to Q about work matters and things that failed to take his mind off whatever he brooded about.

Angelique gave me more than one smile, holding thousands of questions and no resolutions. Did she have any idea what was going on with my husband? Did Frederick talk to her about whatever Q had said in confidence?

And how damn unfair was it that Frederick knew more about Q’s issue than I did?

I’m his wife, dangnamit.

My finger itched beneath my wedding ring, agreeing with that fact. I wanted to wrench off my rings and shove my newly tattooed digit under Q’s nose. I wanted to scoop the still unnamed puppy off the street and hit Q over the head with the squirmy tiny body.

Not that I’d ever hurt such a cute creature that way.

I would use much more acceptable devices to punish my husband.

If anyone needed strapping down and hitting, it was him. Purely for driving me mental with worry and confusion.

“He’ll get better,” Angelique whispered, pacing with me as I left Q to discuss whatever he damn well wanted with Frederick.

Screw him.

If he wasn’t man enough to discuss the mess between us, then fine. Two could play the silent treatment. I was aware I’d just contradicted my previous conclusions about giving him time, but there was only so much I could tolerate before I reached a limit.

Not talking was one of those limits.

“Oh, he’ll get better all right.” I glared at Angelique. “When we get home, he won’t have a choice.”

My friend patted my shoulder. “It won’t be anything you can’t overcome together.”

Really?

I wasn’t so sure. I knew Q. I knew when he sank into his thoughts and twisted himself into hundreds of knots trying to do the right thing. Doing his best at killing himself to be something he wasn’t. When he got like that, nothing could reach him. The last time, he’d sent me back to Australia after the best sexual experience of my life.

If he tries to push me away again…

I stopped those thoughts immediately.

I couldn’t contemplate that. Anger was much better at keeping the uncertainty and pain at bay. The pain of knowing today was the last day of our stolen vacation, and tomorrow, we’d all travel back to reinsert ourselves into life. And it’d been ruined.

Q would return to work, even though he promised me he’d cut back his hours, and I would continue to be the figurehead for our charities and run the household. He’d use the long hours to keep his issues buried until I blew up at him and we had a fight that rattled the windows of our home.

I glowered at my husband.

Not only had he pissed me off, but he’d also refused to accept his birthday gift.

Well, screw it.

If he didn’t want to name this puppy, I would. I wasn’t giving him or his siblings and mother up. They needed me. Just like Q needed me even when he pretended he didn’t.

My thick winter boots stomped on the cobbles as I announced, “I’ve thought of what to call the puppy.” My gaze fell on the waddling fat form by my ankles. He slipped on the icy ground, pulling this way and that on a leash he had no experience with.

I wanted to pick him up, but he also needed to get used to it.

Everyone’s heads snapped toward me.

Q narrowed his eyes, blistering with dark intent. I smiled coldly at him, ignoring everyone else. “I’m going to name him Courage because he actually has the bravery to face scary things in life without tucking tail and running.”

Q’s face blackened. His body language slipped from wound up to lithe and lethal.

My muscles trembled; my core automatically grew wet for him. He’d trained me so well that whenever he got the possessive, dominating look in his eyes, it took all my willpower not to bow in the street and beg him to be my master. To hurt me if it made him feel better. To let me hurt him if it made him somehow return to our open, loving relationship.

How had this weekend turned into something so fraught with unspoken barriers?

Frederick grinned. “I get the underlying tones but actually think Courage is a great name. What’s the bitch called?”

Ripping my gaze from Q, I focused on Frederick. “Don’t call her that. I know it’s the technically correct term for a female dog, but she’s a mother, after all.” Doing my best to make the atmosphere light, after the swirling ferocity between Q and me, I laughed. “Let’s not disrespect her.”

“Oh, I know.” Suzette spun around, walking backward as Franco continued down the footpath to the wrought iron bridge over a babbling brook ahead. “Perhaps Sally? Short for Salvation.”

I cocked my head. It could work. We could have a theme of Salvation and Courage and Bravery and Screw You,
Maître,
for being a Wimp.

My heart pounded. “I kinda like it.”

Q huffed. “Sally?
Really
.” He rolled his eyes. “First, you bring a pack into my house, and then you name them ridiculous things.”

Slamming to a halt, I yanked too harshly on Courage’s lead. His fat body flew backward, sprawling by my feet.

Oh, God.

I’d already hurt the poor thing, and I’d only had him a few days.

Keeping him secret since I’d been to the shelter, hadn’t been easy. Suzette had kept him in her quarters with Franco at night, and I’d kept the mother and puppies comfortable in the stable by day.

After waving Q and I off in the car at the start of the weekend, Suzette had bundled little Courage with her, and he’d hitched a ride in the helicopter before being looked after by the staff at
Castelnaud-des-Fleurs
.

If Q were so adamant about not having dogs at home, then I would find them new families. But I couldn’t deny my heart was already attached. Especially to this little guy.

“It’s not a ridiculous name.” I planted a hand on my hip, daring Q to take possession of his gift and fall in love like I had. “It fits. And unless you say otherwise, it’s sticking.”

His nostrils flared. I waited for him to jerk me close and whisper sinful commands into my ear. Instead, he rolled his shoulders, physically forcing himself to relax. The rage siphoned from his gaze, leaving his true thoughts locked to me.

I hated the distance.

The coldness left in his wake as he pulled away.

What was so bad that he couldn’t tell me? What was he so afraid of?

I’d stupidly hoped that Q would fall for his animal just like I had. That he would find whatever it was that he’d lost…or perhaps realised he would never have.

Maybe his past had finally caught up with him? The fact he’d dispatched his father, lost his sister and mother, and been alone for most of his days might’ve damaged him deeper than I knew. Had he not got over that and it tortured him still?

Kissing Courage’s head, I dropped my guard and looked at Q with everything bared.

Please…stop these games and talk to me.

I don’t like this distance between us.

But he didn’t do what I’d hoped.

Instead of tucking me in his powerful embrace and kissing me tenderly, he looked at the picturesque distance and shut me out.

If he wanted to sulk, then so be it.

When he was ready to discuss like a rational person, he would have to grovel.

And I wouldn’t make it easy for him.

* * * * *

That night, after our final dinner in the great hall and a few semi-awkward hours drinking by the fire and playing poker, Q and I retired to our room.

The angry standoff from this afternoon had mellowed to a sad chasm, and I didn’t know how to cross it.

And Q didn’t try.

He had a shower. On his own.

He slipped into his boxer-briefs. Behind closed doors.

He climbed into bed without ordering me onto my knees or any other depraved, delicious thing.

He’d turned inward, and I couldn’t reach him.

Even Courage, the French bulldog mix, couldn’t touch him. I knew I probably shouldn’t (forming bad habits so soon), but with Q’s emotional distance and the fear that I’d done something catastrophic with no idea how to fix it, I tucked the puppy into bed with me. I fell asleep holding the snoring black creature all because my husband wasn’t available.

My dreams were lost and confused. And for the first time in a long time, I dreamed of Mexico and hallucinations and hurting other women. Q had cured me of so many broken pieces, but the ghostly memories would always be there, waiting to attack me in times of stress.

I woke around three a.m. to an empty bed and galloping heart.

Q was gone.

Courage was gone.

I was alone.

And terrified.

The warehouse and smoking gun from pulling the trigger on Blonde Angel faded as I clutched the bedspread and reminded myself that the nightmare was in the past. That I was safe and loved and wanted.

Only, Q had made me feel the opposite. Tonight, Q had hurt me more than any whip or spur. And I couldn’t stomach any more distance between us.

I needed him.

He needed me.

This is stupid.

A simple conversation could clear the air. I was willing to do what was necessary, so why wasn’t he? Running my hands over the cold side of his bed, my body craved to slink against his warm form and demand the comfort he’d withheld. I wanted to be touched and rocked to sleep in his masterful embrace. Only then could I find strength to slay my night terrors and be the strong woman Q adored.

Where had he gone? Where had Courage gone?

And why did he leave without a goodbye?

Heart racing, I climbed out of bed and wrapped myself in a fluffy white dressing gown.

Slipping silently from our bedroom, I made my way through the castle, seeking out the two things I needed most.

It took me almost half an hour to find them. They weren’t in the great hall or game room. They weren’t in the kitchen or many lounges.

When I finally did find them, I huddled against the wall, draped in shadows, not wanting to be seen. Because there, on the frost-bitten grass with the moon wrestling with the dawn, was Q.

Courage stood on two legs, his chubby front feet on Q’s knee as he sat on his haunches over the puppy. My lover’s breath puffed in icy curls as he scruffed the puppy behind its pert ears.

I couldn’t hear what he murmured, but his body said all I needed to know.

Q was hurting.

The master of my heart and owner of my soul was in pain.

And I despite my upset and wish that he would talk, I couldn’t remain mad at him.

Instead, I would do everything I could to help.