Jade (12 page)

I smiled at Dr. Marlowe.
"That's part of why I was sent here," I said. She nodded.
"My grades started to reflect my lack of interest. I dropped out of one extracurricular activity after another. I lost contact with most of my friends. I hated answering questions about my home life and my parents' divorce and how I felt about it. Your life can turn into a soap opera pretty quickly at my school," I said.
Star grunted and nodded. Misty smiled knowingly at Cat who smiled back. She was coming out of her shell more and more, I thought. I guess Dr. Marlowe was right about all this.
"One afternoon when I returned home from school, I was surprised to find my mother already home. She had changed into a pair of jeans and a light blue blouse, put on sneakers and tied her hair with a bright yellow bandanna. She looked younger, younger than I could recall her looking for a long time.
" 'C'mon,' she said as I entered the house and she came out from the kitchen. 'I found this great crystal shop in Santa Monica and I want to get some things for the house. It'll be fun.'
"I was so taken aback, I just stood there with my mouth open, looking stupid. She laughed and urged me to change and come down in five minutes.
"I did and we headed for the beach town. All the way she didn't mention one thing about her job. She said she had been working too hard and been stupid to ignore some of the fun things in life. It was time to reap the benefits of all this hard work, she claimed.
"We had a nice afternoon shopping. She bought me a beautiful crystal to wear around my neck and then we went to a great bakery and picked up some delicious bread and a dozen cookies.
"'Time to splurge,' she cried. 'Let's not worry about calories tonight.'
"That struck me as funny because she never did and often criticized me for worrying.
"She laughed too, and then she suddenly pulled over on Pacific Coast Highway before heading back to the house so we could look at the ocean. It looked so peaceful with sailboats gliding over glass, their sails floating against the light blue sky.
"'It's so beautiful here. I often forget and take it for granted,' she said and then she turned to me with as serious and as concerned an expression as I had ever seen.
" don't want you to think I'm totally oblivious to all you've suffered, Jade,' she said. 'And I'm not going to deny my own share of blame What happened to you recently frightened the hell out of me. I tried to keep from thinking about it, but I couldn't. I'm so lucky you're all right,' she said with tears in her eyes. She fanned her face to stop herself from crying. 'I wouldn't have blamed your father. I would have blamed myself.'
"Then she sucked back her tears and promised things were going to change.
"'We've got to become more like sisters,' she said. 'I promise I'll set aside more time to be with you. Let's make Saturday lunches our special time together, okay?'
"Of course I agreed, even though in the back of my mind, I could hear my father demanding Sunday lunches for himself or every other Saturday. It was the way things had been.
"But I don't think we ever get tired of hearing our parents' promises, no matter how many times they break them. It's like buying another lottery ticket after you've lost and lost and lost. You just can't help hoping and fantasizing.
"The following day, my father surprised me by showing up at school at the end of the day to drive me home.
"'I realized I was nearby,' he claimed, 'and thought it would be nice. How was your day?'
"'Okay,' I said. It hadn't been. I had failed an important math test and dropped my average so low, it was clear I was going to be kicked out of the Honor Society at the end of the year, but I didn't tell him that.
"'I know you don't want to talk about your episode in San Francisco anymore, and to tell you the truth, I don't either,' he said with a smile. 'It gives me nightmares, too. It should never have happened and I should never have gone away before the Honor Society induction. I'm sorry,' he said.
"My parents' apologies were like cold raindrops. I hated them and fled from them. I said nothing. I just turned away and gazed out the window.
"'What it told me was I'm really missing the boat here. I should be enjoying your adolescent years along with you more. I want to be part of what you do and what you enjoy. I've decided to cut back on my workload just for that purpose,' he added. 'Please don't hesitate to ask me to go to anything or be part of anything anymore. Forget schedules. I'll find the time. I'll change dates and meetings.
"'We should just do more fun things together,' he added. 'Okay?'
"I turned back to him.
"'Okay,' I said, but now I was so suspicious of both of them, I practically held my breath and kept myself from asking any questions.
"He decided it would be fun to stop to have an old- fashioned ice-cream soda and he knew a place that still made them that way. We drove to the soda shop and he talked about his high school days and told me things he had never told me before about overcoming his own shyness with girls, his first real girlfriend, and his disastrous prom date with someone named Berle Lownstein whose orthodontia retainer fell out while dancing. I couldn't stop laughing at some of it. No matter what his reasons for spending time with me, I thought, I was having a good time. It was fun.
"Suddenly, they were really competing for my attention, my time and filling my days with
suggestions of fun things to do. Of course, I hated turning one down because of something the other had already planned, but they didn't argue or fight about it as I expected they would. They seemed to have stepped back to let me have breathing room. I began to suspect they had secretly agreed that they would conduct themselves this way and let the best man win.
"And then it occurred to me one night, that all this had begun after the judge who held the power of granting custody had made the date for my
appointment in his office, in camera.
"And I went to sleep full of a new fear. I tossed and turned, shrinking into a tighter and tighter ball.
"What if all their expressions of love and all their fun and warmth was contrived again?
"What if I was still a pawn, a piece on a checkerboard, an asset, a trophy?
"What if all this was just another battle in their grand war?"

"My appointment with the judge was on the following Thursday, at ten in the morning. The limo was taking me there and I had to go by myself so that neither of my parents could influence me. Dr. Morton asked me if I would like her to accompany me and I told her no. I should have said yes.

"I remember how alone I felt in that big backseat. I never really felt so alone in the limo before. It was raining hard. The drops pelted the roof and I thought God must have been angry. They sounded like His bullets. It was so dark and dreary and our travel was funeral procession slow.

"When we arrived at the courthouse, Judge Norton Resnick's assistant Marla greeted me after we pulled to the curb. I had spoken to her on the telephone the day before. She was a tall, slim woman with short blond hair and beautiful blue eyes, the sort of eyes that always accompany a warm smile which radiates through someone's face. Her warmth helped me relax a little, but being in the courthouse where my parents and their attorneys would do battle over possessions, the house and especially me, turned my nerves into thin piano wires on the verge of breaking. As we passed through the metal detectors, my heart skipped. Suddenly, after all these months of talk, talk, talk, everything seemed to be happening so fast. In moments I was being led down a wide corridor with polished marble floors. Voices echoed. Well-dressed men and women passed by us either laughing or arguing. I couldn't help but feel intimidated, out of place and very frightened. My heart was no longer skipping beats. Now it was hammering against my chest.

"'Right this way, Jade,' Marla said, opening an office door with the judge's name on the front. We entered a small outer office. Marla asked me to wait for a moment and then went through the next door, closing it softly.

"I was afraid to sit, afraid that when it was time to stand again, my legs wouldn't support me. Fortunately, it was only a few seconds later that she emerged and told me to step into the office.

"It was smaller than I had anticipated. Judge Resnick sat behind a sizeable light mahogany desk with large, thick volumes piled on both his right and left and long yellow legal pads in front of him There were plaques and pictures all over the walls and especially right behind him and beside the American flag. The governor's picture was prominent.

"The judge had two windows that looked out on the street, but raindrops zigzagged like tears, blurring the view.

"Judge Resnick looked to be about fifty, maybe fifty- five, with curly black hair and dark round eyes. He had a thick nose and soft, almost Santa Claus cheeks, each with a light circle of pink at the crest. In his robes he appeared even bigger and heavier than I imagined he was, although when he stood, I saw he was very wide in the waist.

"There was a captain's chair set up directly in front of his desk. On the right, seated at a small table, was the court stenographer. He was a short, thin man with light brown hair, thick glasses, light brown eyes and what I thought was a mouth much too small for his oval face. He barely looked up at me and sat poised, making me even more nervous.

"'Good morning, Jade,' the judge said with a smile that stretched his thick lips until they were nearly pale. He offered me his stubby fingered hand and I took it for a quick handshake. He nodded at the chair. 'Please, sit,' he said. He nodded at Marla and she quickly turned and left the office.

"I glanced at the stenographer who lifted his hands over the keys of his machine as if he were about to begin a magnificent piano concerto. The judge sat back and pressed his fingertips together. His eyebrows knitted together as he studied me and formed his first impressions.

"'Let's relax for a few moments,' he began. 'This is Mr. Worth,' he said looking at the court
stenographer. Mr. Worth nodded and barely grinned, much less smiled. He didn't seem to ease up a bit, his shoulders and neck remaining stiff. He even looked somewhat impatient.

"The judge cleared his throat.
"'I don't want you to be nervous about this. I want you to speak freely. I understand from your teachers' reports, your school records, and your counselor that you are a very intelligent young lady. You're not that far away from being on your own, making your own decisions and taking responsibility for your own actions. From what I have seen, you should do very well.' His voice was smooth, easy, relaxed, but I was still on pins and needles.
"'What we're going to do is have a relatively short conversation about all this so that I can best assess your feelings. I want you to know from the start that for me, you are the most important person in this matter. Your needs must be addressed before anyone else's. I hope you'll be as honest as possible,' he added, `so I can do the best job for you.'
"'My grades have slipped recently,' I said. I might as well be as honest as possible right away, I thought.
"'A huh. And why is that?' he asked, his gaze fixed intently on me.
"'I guess it's safe to conclude I've been somewhat distracted,' I replied rather dryly. He didn't want to laugh, but I saw a twinkle in his eyes.
"'Yes, I imagine you have been, and that's part of what I'd like to learn. What's life been like for you these past few months?'
"I looked away, looked through the wet windows and the haze and the rain. What's life been like? Now there's a question, I thought.
"'Difficult,' I said. He'd have to press and pry to get me to say much more. You see, right from the start, I was terrified of my answers, terrified of my words," I explained to the others.
"Why?" Misty asked.
"I was afraid I would give an answer that would make him decide in either my mother's favor or my father's and it would be solely my fault. No matter what my complaints have been about them, I didn't want either to hate me, and I didn't want to hurt either.
"Judge Resnick wasn't a bad judge. He must have had lots of experience with cases like mine because he practically read my thoughts, anticipating my fear.
"'I want you to know,' he said, 'that your comments are very important, but there is testimony from other important people and facts you might not even know yourself. I have other things to consider here.
"'You're old enough for me to cut right to the heart of this, Jade. Do you have any preference or reason to have preference for one of your parents to have full legal custody of you?'
"How do you answer that if you don't hate one or the other? I wondered. Would a judge ask a parent which child he or she prefers?
"Could I erase all the happy moments I had experienced with either of my parents? Did I have to concentrate on the times I was angry at one or the other so I could harden my heart against my father or against my mother? I wished
<sup>-</sup>
1 could be cut in half or cloned so each would have what he or she wanted.
" `Do you feel closer in any way with either?' he pursued. 'Or, let me put it this way, do you think one or the other will be more important to you at this stage of your life? I've had girls your age who thought they would need more time with their mothers,' he added, raising those thick eyebrows in anticipation.
"'I'd like more time with both of them,' I said. He nodded, his eyes encouraging. He just wants me to talk, I thought, to talk and talk and talk.
"So I began. I talked about my parents and their precious careers. I talked about the many times neither had been there for me. I guess I talked about my own loneliness. I laughed at his reference to my soon-to-be independence. 'Sometimes,' I told him, 'I feel like I've brought myself up. Independence will be no novelty for me.'
"He listened quietly. I got so into it, I stopped noticing the stenographer's fingers taking down my every word with lightning speed. The judge's eyes gradually turned darker. He even looked angry at times.
"'It's not fair that I'm even here,' I concluded. 'I shouldn't have to do this. It's their problem.'
"When I was finished, he just sat quietly for a moment. His face had become so somber, he looked like a different person. He leaned forward, studied a paper on his desk and then looked up at me and asked, 'What if you lived with neither for the next year? Would that be so upsetting?'
"'With whom would I live? Where would I live?'
"He began by suggesting one of my
grandparents and I laughed aloud then. His eyebrows bounced up and I explained my relationships with my grandparents and how rarely I had spent any time with either my father's or my mother's parents. When he asked about my other relatives, I had the same reply.
"From the way he looked, I imagined I wasn't making it any easier for him. How simple it would be if I would say, 'Oh yes, Judge. I need my mother more now. We have female issues to discuss and my father won't be able to help,' but I had other issues looming before me, and how easy it would be to say I need my father more for them.
"I know what we can do, your honor, I thought, instead of cutting the child in half, cut the parents in half and paste a half of one to a half of the other and give me a new kind of parent, part Daddy, part Mommy, only be sure to cut away the parts full of hate, okay?
"Thinking about that made me laugh and he smiled and asked what struck me funny?
"I decided to tell him and I did. He didn't laugh. He nodded with sadness in his eyes. I glanced at the stenographer whose bland face finally showed some surprise and interest.
'The judge asked me more questions about my daily routine, my ambitions. He talked about my parents' input into any of it, searching, I was sure, for evidence of one being more concerned than the other. I soon began to feel like a witness being crossexamined by a relentless prosecutor.
"Finally, I told him about my parents' recent expressions of repentance and their new promises about all the time each was going to spend with me and how much fun we would have. He seemed interested until I said, 'But in my house promises are lies tied up with pretty ribbons. Every- week our maid vacuums them up and dumps them in the incinerator.'
"I followed that with another nervous little laugh. He asked me if I would like something to drink and I said hemlock. He didn't think that was funny at all."
"What's hemlock?" Star asked.
"Poison. Socrates drank it," I said. Star glanced at Dr. Marlowe and then turned back to me.
"I was tired of all this. The dreariness of the rainy day had moved into my body. I really just wanted to sleep.
" `So,' Judge Resnick concluded, 'if I turn over legal custody to one or the other of your parents, you won't be that upset about it? Is that a fair assessment?'
"'Frankly, your honor,' I said, 'I don't give a damn.' "That's from
Gone With the Wind, and
actually, it was appropriate.
Gone With the Wind
took place during the Civil War and that's what was going on in my house.
"Once again, however, the judge didn't laugh. He scowled, made a note and sat back, very pensive.
"'Okay,' he said, coming to some conclusion, 'I guess that will be all for now. You've been helpful. I do hope everything works out for you, Jade. You have shown evidence of strength and accomplishment and although I don't want to belittle the significance of all this, I think you're going to rise above it and become a fine young lady.'
"Was he a judge or a fortune-teller or was that one and the same? I wanted to ask, but I didn't. I kept silent. Marla was called back in to escort me out to the limousine. I glanced at the stenographer before I left. He looked like he had been bored out of his mind. I guessed it wasn't as exciting as a murder or
something.
"'Judge Resnick is one of the best judges when it comes to these matters,' Marla assured me on the way out. 'He's fair and very wise and he takes a great deal of time and does a lot of research before rendering any decisions.'
"'Fine,' I told her at the limousine. 'I'll recommend him to all my friends.'
"It wasn't nice to be sarcastic to her, but I was very tired of all of it and she just happened to be a part of it. I did thank her before I got into the car.
"'Home James,' I said. I've always wanted to say that. The driver glanced at me in the rearview mirror. He was a different driver from the one I had previously had.
"'My name's not James,' he muttered.
"The rain had slowed to a slight drizzle, but the traffic was just as heavy as before. It was a nauseating ride for me. I closed my eyes to keep my stomach from churning. I hadn't eaten much for breakfast and I was glad of that now.
"I was happy neither of my parents would be home yet. I knew they would each have questions in their eyes and look for some hint as to what I had told the judge.
"Just the thought of that began to weigh heavier and heavier on my mind. I dreaded seeing them at dinner. I dreaded ever seeing them. What was the judge going to do with my testimony? Whose heart had I broken? Why didn't they think about my heart?
"The rain started to come down harder again. It was practically impossible to see out of the windows. The driver grumbled about it, but we continued on. When we reached the house, I just opened the door before he came around and ran inside and shook the water out of my hair.
"It was quiet and dark because Rosina had not turned on the lights in some of the rooms. Mrs. Caron was most likely in the kitchen working on the evening's gourmet meal. No matter what happened here, we would always eat well, I thought, and started up the stairs.
"My body throbbed all over. I didn't realize until that moment just how tense I had been in the judge's office. The back of my neck especially ached. I felt as though I had been in a car accident and now I was experiencing the trauma. This whole thing was like a big crash anyway.
"The urge to just lie down and sleep got stronger and stronger. I undressed and crawled into bed, but whenever I closed my eyes, Judge Resnick's big face appeared and I relived his questions, his expression, his penetrating eyes. Then I began to imagine my mother's disappointed face and my father's. Tossing and turning through these persistent nightmares, I finally sat up, feeling like I could scream and pull the hair out of my head. For a while I just stared at the wall and then I rose, slipped into my robe and went to my mother's room.
"I found her sleeping pills in the nightstand next to her bed and brought them back to my room."
Before I continued, I glanced at Dr. Marlowe and then I glanced at the girls. They all looked like they were holding their breath. I was tempted to smile and say, "That's all," but they all knew it wasn't right and besides, I wanted to tell them. I wanted to get it out, spit it from my body as fast as I would spit out sour milk
"I thought if I took two pills, I'd be able to get some sleep, and then I thought, if I took three, I'd sleep right through dinner and not have to face them; if I took four, I'd sleep right through the night; if I took five, I'd sleep through breakfast.
"All those thoughts ran through my mind and I guess I started laughing and taking another and another until most of the pills in the bottle were in my stomach. Then I lay back, stared up at the ceiling and waited. My eyelids grew heavier and heavier and finally slammed shut like a steel door.
"It was as if the sleeping pills took me back in time, making me younger and younger until I was just a little girl again, years and years before my parents became the people they were now.
"They were still in love and we were still a family. I saw us doing things together, going to Disney World, going to the beach, going to
restaurants. I sat on my father's shoulders when we walked and felt him bouncing me along. I heard my parents' laughter curling around me like a warm, protective cocoon.
"There were lots of kisses then. How safe I felt. Those were the days of my big bubble. It felt so good to return. It was as if all that had happened since was just a nightmare, a long, bad dream. I was waking up and I was calling for them. I could see myself, my mouth opening and closing, but I couldn't hear my voice. Somehow, they must have heard.
"They both came to my room and stood by my bed. They held me tightly and they rained down love and promises. I was drenched in happiness. And then I heard the screams.
"'Get the paramedics!' Mommy was screaming. "Why? I wondered. Was there emergency care for nightmares?
"I could hear and sense all the rushing about. Somewhere off to the right, I heard the sound of a siren. And then I heard this heavy, loud drum. It was coming closer and closer and getting louder and louder before I realized it was my own heart.
"Finally, I heard the grating noise of metal screeching as the heavy steel door was being lifted. First, a tiny shaft of light slipped in at the bottom and then the light grew larger and brighter until the door was nearly completely opened.
"As soon as it was, the light diminished and I was able to make out silhouettes behind it. The darkness gradually lifted from their faces and I saw it was my parents looking at me. My mother's mouth was opening and yet I didn't hear her voice. Soon, it became a muffled, far-off sound that slowly got louder and clearer until I understood she was calling my name.
"My father stepped up beside her and did the same. I just stared at them.
430 V C. ANDREWS
"How did they get so much older so fast? I wondered. "Where am I? I wondered.
"The room was unfamiliar. What happened to my room? Where were all my things? Where was my big bubble?
"I wanted to sleep, but they wouldn't let me. They shook me and called to me until I kept my eyes open. "'Where am I, Mommy?' I asked.
"I saw tears on her cheeks. My mother never cried. What was going on? I wondered. I looked at my father. His eyes were glassy, too.
"'You're in the hospital, Jade, but you're going to be all right,' she said.
"'That's right, baby,' my father said. 'You're going to be all right.'
"'Good,' I said. 'Are we going to the beach today?' "'Yes,' my father said, laughing, 'we're going to the beach today.'
"My mother smiled through her tears and brushed my hair off my forehead.
"A doctor stepped up beside them and said something too low for me to hear. They nodded and then each kissed me. That's what made me think I was still five years old, I guess. I wanted to hold on to that as long as I could," I added, glancing at Dr. Marlowe again. She nodded.
"My parents turned and walked out of the room and I thought, I could almost swear, they were holding hands. Maybe it was what I hoped I saw," I concluded sadly.
I stared at the floor. After a sigh that was so deep I could feel it in my bones, I looked up.