Jacob Two-Two on the High Seas

CHAPTER 1

nce there was a boy called Jacob Two-Two. He had two ears and two eyes and two arms and two feet and two shoes. He had two older sisters, Emma and Marfa, and two older brothers, Daniel and Noah. And they all lived in a rambling house on Kingston Hill, in Surrey, England.

He was called Jacob Two-Two because he was two plus two plus two years old. Also, because nobody in his family ever heard him the first time, so he had to say everything two times. Jacob Two-Two had become used to his name, but now he was beginning to worry about it.

Of course, worrying was a natural thing for Jacob Two-Two. He worried about whether he would be able to put toothpaste on his toothbrush without squeezing half the tube onto the floor. He worried that he would never be able to remember whether African elephants had bigger ears than Indian elephants, or whether it was the other way around. But worrying about his name was different. Soon, it would be Jacob Two-Two’s birthday. He wouldn’t be two plus two plus two years old anymore. He would be two plus two plus two … plus one. He was sure that his brothers and sisters, who thought it was great fun to tease him, would start to call him Jacob Two-Two
Plus One
!

He could just imagine it. “Jacob Two-Two Plus One, leave my toys alone!” Or “Jacob Two-Two Plus One, don’t touch that television channel!” How awful that would be! So in order to make sure that didn’t happen, Jacob decided something. He decided that he would have to get his brothers and sisters and his mother and father to forget his birthday this year. That was a pretty big sacrifice since it meant that he wouldn’t get any presents. But Jacob Two-Two decided that not being stuck with that ridiculous name was worth it. The only question was
how?
He
brooded and brooded, but still he couldn’t come up with a plan to get his family to forget his birthday.

And then one day, exactly one month before Jacob’s birthday, his father and mother gathered them all together in the living room for an announcement. “Your mother and I have made a big decision,” Jacob’s father said. “It is time for us to return to my home and native land.”

“Where is that?” Jacob asked. “Where is that?”

His father unfurled a large map of the world. “That is this enormous pink country right here. Canada.”

“
Canada?
” said Daniel with a sneer. “Canada sucks!”

“I don’t want to move to Canada,” said Marfa. “My friends all live here.”

“Now, children, no whining,” said their father. “You’ll only prove to us that we’ve spoiled you. The decision has already been made. We’re going to move to Canada and live in the city of Montreal, where I grew up. The change will make you all better children. It will give you a sense of your roots. It will allow you to play ice hockey. And it will introduce you to the sublime taste of a smoked-meat sandwich.”

“Tell them the other reason why we’re returning,” said Jacob’s mother with a smile.

His father modestly lowered his eyes. “As you children know, my new and very important book has just been published. As a result, the prime minister of Canada, Perry Pleaser, is begging me to return. The simple truth is, my country needs me.”

“If that is England,” Jacob said, pointing to the small country that he recognized, “and that is Canada, then what is the blue in between? What is the blue?”

“Don’t you know anything?” said Emma. “That’s the Atlantic Ocean.”

“Do we have to swim to Canada?” asked Jacob. “Do we have to swim?” Not being a very strong swimmer was something else that worried Jacob.

“Of course not, my boy. We’re going on a ship!”

“An ocean liner!” said Daniel excitedly. “Is it one of those luxury ships? Is it the
Queen Elizabeth II?
”

“I’m afraid there were no tickets available on the
Queen Elizabeth II
,” said Jacob’s father. “But I’m sure the ship we’re going on is very nice. It’s called the SS
Spring-a-Leak
. Just think, kids, five days on the
high seas. It’s going to be splendid. I plan to spend the whole time sitting in a deck chair, drinking pineapple juice and reading the newspapers.”

Jacob Two-Two wasn’t so sure that it would be splendid, but he decided not to say anything, as his brothers and sisters would only make fun of him. The one good thing was that they would be on the ship for his birthday. Maybe, just maybe, everybody would forget about it.

CHAPTER 2

verything that Jacob’s family owned had to be packed. Soon, the house was filled with boxes. There were boxes in the living room, boxes in the dining room, boxes in the kitchen, and boxes in all the bedrooms.

Jacob’s brothers and sisters found more interesting uses for them. Daniel and Marfa used two empty flattened boxes to slide down the stairs. “Get out of the way, Jacob!” Daniel called out. “We’re learning how to toboggan, like they do in Canada.”

“Can I try, can I try?” Jacob asked excitedly.

“You’re too little. Now move out of the way or you’re going to get knocked down. Yahoo!”

Jacob had to move fast because Daniel came whooshing down the stairs at breakneck speed. He wandered into the living room, where he found none other than the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O’Toole, otherwise known as Emma and Noah. The duo wore Day-Glo blue jeans and flying golden capes, and they had the spine-chilling
Child Power
emblem emblazoned on their chests. They were inside a large wardrobe box, hanging a flashlight from the cardboard ceiling and taping a transistor radio to the wall.

“What are you doing?” asked Jacob. “What are you doing?”

“We’re building our headquarters,” said the intrepid Shapiro.

“How neat. Can I come in? Can I come in?” Jacob asked.

“These headquarters are for superheroes only,” said the fearless O’Toole. “Are
you
a superhero?”

Jacob had to admit that he wasn’t. Head lowered, he walked slowly away – and bumped right into his mother.

“Well, young man,” she said. “I can see that you
need something to do. How about you pack up your own toys?”