Jack and Jill Went Up to Kill (2 page)

T
here was an Undead man, and he walked an Undead mile.

He found some flesh and brains upon a crooked stile.

He ate a crooked cat, then he ate a crooked mouse.

And they were all undead together in a little revenant house.

H
umpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king's Zombie horses and the king's Zombie men

Thought Humpty Dumpty tasted like chicken.

S
ing a song of sixpence,

A pocket full of eyes.

Four and twenty blackbirds,

Baked in a pie.

When the pie was opened,

The birds began to sing;

Wasn't that an Undead dish?

To set before the king?

The king was in his counting house,

Sharpening his machete;

The queen was in the parlor,

Her brains were nice and runny.

The maid was in the garden,

Hanging out the clothes;

When down came a Zombie blackbird

And pecked off her nose.

J
ack Sprat was a revenant.

He ate his poor wife's spleen.

He spread out her guts, munched her face,

Then licked the platter clean.

J
ack and Jill went up to kill

They'd caught the Zombie virus.

Jack fell down and broke his crown,

And looked like Miley Cyrus.

Mary Jane was in the lane

Holding a machete.

She called for Nell to ring the bell

'Cause Jack and Jill were Zombies.

Then up Jack got and home did trot

As fast as he could shuffle;

To Old Dame Dob who proved tasty

Her screams they were not muffled.

Jill came in and she did grin

It scared us just to see her;

Mother vexed did cut off her head

To stop Zombie invaders.

Now Jack didn't care that Jill was dead

For Zombies cannot tell;

Then the townsfolk cut him down like her

And sent his undead ass to hell.

L
ittle Miss Muffet turned on a tuffet,

Eating fresh brains all day;

Along came a human,

She added some cumin,

And munched the poor man away.

D
o you know the Undead man,

With no right arm, and no left hand?

Do you know the Undead man,

Who lives right next door?

Yes, I know the Undead man,

I shot him twice and it was nice,

Now he's a really dead Undead man,

So please clean up the gore.

O
ld King Cole is a merry old ghoul,

And a new Zombie was he;

I hit him with a pipe, and stabbed him in his jowl

As he munched on his fiddlers three.

Every fiddler came back to life,

To very fine Zombies be;

So I turned and I ran, I can kill them again,

As Old King Cole ate his fiddlers three.