J Roars (10 page)

Tears were forming in her eyes. I pulled her body into mine and she melted, finally unfrozen. "Shhh. It's OK. You did what you had to."

"You shot one too. You didn't want to kill anyone else." I could feel her shaking against me.

"Baby, I told you I'd kill for you and I meant it. He was going to shoot you. I'd kill anyone who tried to hurt you. You gotta know that. I'd do it and not think twice."

I pulled back and looked in her eyes, they were full now, full of emotion. I wasn't sure if she was sad, mad, guilty, or angry. Though filled with emotion, her eyes still had a lost quality to them. Maybe she wasn't sure what to feel.

"J! We're heading out." I realized we'd been in the bathroom for a while when Dig yelled this through the door. I pulled my shirt off and put it over Elle's head.

"Here, put this on. We'll figure out where we're staying the night and get you cleaned up." I put on Son's hoodie and grabbed the bag with Elle's bloody shirt.

"You know some kid named Fernie?" Dig was looking at Elle. Fernie. The knife. Fuck, the kid I almost shot.

"What's wrong with Fernie?" she asked, panic filling her voice.

"I guess that's where we're going. Ernesto said his cousin will be waiting there for us."

"No."

"Excuse me?" Dig wasn't used to anyone telling him no, let alone a woman.

"I'm not getting Fernie involved in this shit. I'm not bringing violence to his doorstep."

"This isn't your call, girlie."

"Fernie is my kid, my business, and don't fucking call me girlie again. Now someone gimme a damn phone." We all stared at her, unsure what to do. She closed her eyes. Oh shit... "Give me a fucking phone!" Son shoved one in her hand. Dig gave him dagger eyes that would've impressed Chris.

Elle was dialing and pacing. Dig looked at me and I shook my head.

"Brother, don't let your woman fuck with our shit. You need to get a handle on her."

I gave him a half hearted laugh. "You don't get a handle o
n Elle. She gets a handle on you. You haven't figured that out yet?"

"I'm not going to Abuelita's. Tell Fernie he needs to find us another location." I heard her pause. "I don't give a fuck, José."

José? Why did that fucker keep getting in my way?

"We're getting in the car." Elle motioned for us to follow her and walked out the front door.

Dig looked at me, and I could tell he was not happy letting Elle take charge. I shrugged and smiled. If any woman was going to give Dig a run for his money, I'd be my woman. "Let's go. Brother." I patted him on the shoulder and led him out the door, Son following us.

We exited the shack to find a black
Tahoe. Jorge was talking to Elle, the keys in her hands. Dig walked up and took them from her.

"Let's go. Head toward Sabinas and I'll give Son the address when José texts me. Stay off the
autopista
. Jorge has the check points covered on the
carretera
."

"
Carretera
?" Dig looked at Elle like she was the devil, and for taking his control, I guess she sorta was to one him.

"The side roads
, like the 'lil two lane highways back home. We'll take the side roads and Jorge has already alerted any of their people that we'll be rolling through in the Tahoe." She got in the back seat of the Tahoe and motioned for me to follow. "Come on. Let's go."

I smiled at Dig. I was sure his blood was boiling, but this was the Elle I fell in love with. The one who didn't take shit from anyone and was happy to take charge, though I was glad she at least was letting Dig drive.

"Let's go. Brother." I repeated my words from inside and got in the Tahoe, Dig following behind mumbling curse words.

We drove to a hotel on the outskirts of Sabinas. I had driven through, but never stopped in the city before. Elle gave Son the instructions José texted
her and three hours later we were checking into the San Angel hotel. It wasn't much, but there were two rooms, one for Dig and Son, and another for me and Elle. After the drama of the day, I'd take it.

When w
e got to our room,  my cut along with Elle's suitcase full of clothes were on the bed.

"You don't have any clothes."

"Baby, come here." I reached my hand out to her. "You're safe. I'm safe. My cut's safe. I could give a fuck about my clothes." She wrapped her arms around me. We were far from safe, would need to strategize with Dig in the morning, and Elle still had blood on her. Despite all of this, feeling her body against mine, her wearing my shirt—fuck, it made my damn dick hard. It didn't go unnoticed by Elle. She threw her head back and laughed, a real laugh. It made me warm inside to know she still could find humor regardless of our fucked up situation.

"Wanna clean me up, and maybe get dirty too?" she said over her shoulder, walking towards the restroom.

"When did you become a mind reader, woman?" I yelled, unzipping Son's hoodie and toeing my boots off.

"When you
r marble cock was pressed against me." I heard the water running as she said this. I was just about to take my pants off when there was a knock at the door. Fucking Dig. I told him we'd talk in the morning.

"What the fuck, man?" I yelled, throwing the door open. It wasn't Dig, though. It was a kid. Shit. It was Elle's kid. His eyes got wide as a fried egg. "Fuck. Hold on." I shut the door.

"Put your clothes on." Elle was half naked when I entered the restroom. "Someone's here for you."

All the laughter and promise of dirty fun we were about to share melted from her eyes. She shut the water off and put my shirt back on. I walked with her to the door and opened it, the boy still standing t
here. Somehow his fried egg eyes got bigger. Shit. I shouldn't have let him see Elle. She still had blood on her.

"Fernie. What are you doing here?" She grabbed his arm, pulled him inside, and looked outside the door to make sure no one saw him.

"Baby, it's OK. We're in Zetas' territory. They got us covered, remember." I tried to console her, realizing the depth of her devotion to this kid.

She turned to me and Fernie. "It doesn't matter
whose territory we're in. I told you I didn't want Fernie mixed up in this shit."

"Is there blood in your hair?" Could the kid say anything worse? Really, did he not see Elle flipping
out?

"Fuck," she whispered. "Fernie
, what are you doing here. I told José to keep you out of this mess."

"I wanted to make sure you were OK." Her eyes filled with tears at the boy's statement.

"Shit." She turned to me, pleading with her eyes for me to do something, but I didn't know what.

"What do you need? Tell me. I'll do anything, you know that," I reassured her.

I'm not sure if I said the right thing or not because tears flowed from her eyes like rivers.

"Come sit down, Fernie." Elle sat on the bed and patted the spot next to her. She didn't look at him sitting next to her, instead
staring at her hands as she spoke to him. "I'm sorry for bringing this drama to your doorstep. I told José to keep you out of this. I meant what I said. My love for you is unconditional, here or in the States, and I can't have it on my shoulders knowing I got you messed up in this shit. I—I did something bad today. I'm not good for you anymore." The tears were steadily flowing. I had no idea just how deep her love for these kids went. Somehow, though, it didn't surprise me. Elle only knew how to love one way, and that was all the way, one hundred percent.

"It goes both ways you know." Elle looked up at Fernie, her eyes filled with surprise. "You took a bullet for me. I'd take one for you too, you know. I can help you. I'm setting up a place for you to go. I called
Genny and she said you could go to her
Tio's
house in Durango, but that's Sinaloan territory. Marcos said he has a
primo
, a cousin, in Morelia. I gotta find out if it's safe there for you."

"Can we talk about this tomorrow?" Elle whispered, back to staring at her hands, maybe the floor. I could tell she was about to fall apart.

"Uh, yeah, I guess. Here's my number," he got up and handed me a piece of paper.

"Thanks, man," I said, squeezing his shoulder to know I appreciated his help—and I was sorry I aimed a gun at his head...

"Fernie." Elle rushed to the door and threw her arms around the boy. He was still facing me, and Elle's sudden affection obviously freaked him out as he tapped her on the back, not matching her tight squeeze. "Thank you," she said in a hushed voice.

She turned away from him and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. I heard the water turn on in the shower.

"Thanks again. She'll be OK. It's been a long day."

"I didn't mean to make her cry," the kid told me.

"I'll take care of her. Tomorrow I'll figure out a plan and call you. I'm not sure if Elle wants you involved, but I ain't gonna lie, I think we could use your help. Just keep this shit to yourself. And all those names you rambled off, they need to keep their mouths closed too. You feel me?"

"I got it. Genny won't tell. And Marcos is cool. I didn't tell him what was going on, just asked if he still had family here in Mexico. He doesn't know why I asked. Probably thinks I'm gonna visit or some shit. I'm not stupid. I know I fucked up with the blow, but I can handle this."

He was trying his best to convince me, and I knew we could use his knowledge. It was Elle who would decide if we let this kid help or not. I understood now why she said these were
her
kids
. She loved them like a mother.

"I'll talk to her and be in contact tomorrow." I led Fernie out the door and watched him walk away for a moment. He loved her too, like a son loves his mother. That was Elle. Her light was inextinguishable. It was more than a flame, it was a fire, fueled by the love inside her.

I went back into the room and gently opened the door to the bathroom, uncertain what I'd find there.

"Elle?"

I took my clothes off and slowly pulled the shower curtain open, making sure not to scare her. She seemed to be going back and forth between being in straight up control mode and full on falling apart. She was sitting in the tub, the shower beating down on her, red water seeping down the drain. Her knees were pulled up, her arms wrapped around them with the water hitting the back of her hair. I crawled in behind her and helped rinse the blood out of her hair. There was a bar of soap, possibly left from the previous guest. I grabbed it and lathered my hands, waiting for Elle to stop me and say the soap was gross. Instead she tilted her head back, silently telling me she didn't give a fuck about some used soap.

I washed her hair until the water ran clean. Once there were no traces of blood on either of us, I shut the water off and dried us both off.

"Come to bed?" I asked her.

She pulled a hair tie off the counter and braided her wet hair, her deft fingers moving swiftly and tying it on top of her head. I was momentarily mesmerized at her—the mass of hair she so efficiently managed while following me to the bed, the strength that shined, her ability to be vulnerable at the same time, and the fact that she was mine. After all this, she was mine. We might be in a shitty hotel in Mexico, or a palace in England. It didn't matter. She was mine no matter where we were or what happened.

I gathered her in my arms the minute we hit the bed, wrapping my limbs around her, wanting to feel as much of her skin against mine as possible. She did the same until we were a pretzel of limbs tangled around one another.

"I love you."

"Bear. My love." She started shaking.

"Hey, what is it?" She began to full on cry, burrowing her head into my chest. She mumbled something. "What, baby?"

"Bear. My Bear." She kept crying, unable to form a sentence. I held her, rubbing her back and whispering that everything would be OK. It dawned on me, she killed someone. I mean, so did I, but it wasn't my first kill. Fuck, it was far from my first.

"Is it what happened in the car? What you did to the guy? It's OK. He was going to hurt you. You didn't have a choice. Baby, I know what it's like to kill someone for the first time, but what you did had to be done. I wouldn't be able to live without you."

She sobbed harder, her entire body shaking the bed. I fucked up. I said the wrong thing. Should I have not brought it up? Was that even what she was crying about? Fuck. Her happiness was all I wanted, and yet it seemed like every time we had a moment of it, shit rained down upon us.

Doubt had begun to creep in. Was I bad for her? Was José right? Should I let her go? Did she want that? Would she be better off without me? She watched me kill a man without even blinking. She finally saw the monster. Did she want nothing to do with a monster? Even if she did want me, was she better off not having a monster in her life? How could I ever be worthy of her light? I couldn't.

"Bear." She heaved my name through her tears. I looked down at her, my heart shattering at the sight of the pain filling her eyes. I would've done anything to take away her pain. What she said next, though, was the last thing I expected to come out of her mouth.