It's So Hard To Type With A Gun In My Mouth (22 page)

We are both looking at the dog lying on his back…laughing. The dog was laughing not us; he was making sounds I had never heard him make before. We try to stand him up. He stands for a second and then falls over like a tree. “TIMBER”. Larry says we have to take him to the Vet. I am scared shitless. “No, how do we tell them he ate hash?? They’ll arrest us. “  You have to remember I was such a nerd in those days. Larry was sure we would not get in trouble and picks up the dog. I’m screaming for him to wait, I need to call an attorney. Larry is out the door. I run after him and we’re in a cab.

We go to the west side animal shelter. It’s about midnight. Larry is doing all the talking. A doctor comes out; he must be about 29, long hair, jeans, and peace sign around his neck. “Man, this is bitchen”.  “ What’s bitchen? What?”  “I’ve never seen a dog so stoned. How’d you do that, blow smoke in his face?” And then we tell him about the mayo bottle. He checks for shards in the dog’s mouth and tells me. “Walk him home, by the time you get there he’ll be fine. No charge.”  And he leaves the room.  Larry is laughing and of course I’m feeling like the worst human being on the face of the earth. How could I let this happen to my dog, my buddy, my closet friend?  The doctor was right, by the time we got home Crosby was himself… and man was he hungry.

Crosby and I were even closer after this episode. I think he had a doggie trip and saw life clearer. When I finally moved out of the City and drove to California it was with Crosby by my side. When I got my first apartment in Hollywood, Crosby was there. When I got my job at The May Co., Crosby waited for me when I got home. Until, one night when I got home and he was in bed and wouldn’t get out. I tried to coax him with a bone but he was too sick to move. I ran to the vet this time. They found a mass in his intestine, Cancer. I could not bring myself to put him to sleep and so I carried him home and put him in my bed. I kept him there for a couple of weeks and then one night he crawled up next to me and made the most mournful sound I have ever heard. I knew it was time to say goodbye. I picked him up with tears streaming down my face and carried him to my car. It was over in an hour. When I got home I remember standing in a corner of my apartment with my face to the wall…just wailing. The apartment manager heard me and knocked on the door. She held me like the mother I had always wanted and invited me over for dinner.

The next night we had a memorial service for Crosby with all the tenants in the building. It was a fitting goodbye to a wonderful companion. He was my very first dog, my very best friend and the last dog I owned for almost ten years.

I was going to post a picture of Crosby so you could see how wonderful he was, but it appears the scrapbook with his photo in it was lost in the mudslide. This is the first time I went to look for something and it was gone. It’s a strange feeling… oh well, life goes on, no?

September 28, 2006 –
CROSBY II

I’ve told you about Crosby… but there is one more dog…one more memory.  Crosby II… the other Crosby.

After I had gotten married we lived in my one plus den apartment for about a year. It was a typical Hollywood apartment with a central courtyard that held a kidney shaped pool surrounded by palm trees and tropical birds of paradise. All the units opened up to the pool area creating a communal lifestyle. We were young and I loved it, people came and went. They were in and out of each other’s apartments, there were barbecues and parties and gossip… tons and tons of gossip. I loved living there back then, today I would sue anyone who tried to get me into one of those buildings. Who needs that shit?

OK, my ex and I are having dinner one night on our balcony and a shaggy dog runs into the courtyard from the street. He’s a brown version my first dog, Crosby, right down to the hair in the eyes, the weight and eye color.  I say to my wife, “Look, it’s a Puli.”  And the dog hears me and runs to our front door. The door was slightly ajar; the dog pushes it open and runs into our apartment. I look at my wife and she looks at me. “I think we’re adopting.” The dog comes over, gives us a smell and lies down at my feet. I’m in shock. The wife says, “Do you know this dog?” and I shake my head no.

A little later friends come over to see the dog. He’s romping and playing and someone says, “This dog belongs to someone. You have to let him go.” And I know he’s right… I open the door and say to the dog, “Go home.”  The dog bolts. Everyone nods in agreement that we’ve done the right thing. The guests stay a few hours and then filter out to their own units. The place is still as we shut the lights for the night. I’m just about to walk into the bedroom and I hear scratching at the front door. I open it and there is the dog. “Hey fella, you need a home?” and he jumps into my arms.

I carry him to the bedroom “Look who came home, Lassie.”  We both fall madly in love with this dog instantly. It wasn’t hard for me, he reminded me so much of my Crosby. “Can we keep him?” And the wife nods.  And so we were instant dog owners; it wasn’t a problem in that building, everyone had dogs. It was just that kind of place.

Well, this dog was a carbon copy of Crosby and so I named him Crosby II. Why not? It worked the first time. The dog was no problem, didn’t chew, didn’t bark, didn’t poop in the house… he was just the perfect pet. We must have had him about six months when two friends came over… Rick Granat and Jim Caraso.  They were a musical comedy act called JUNKMAN AND THE CARPENTER.  Jim had been in the original cast of Hair on Broadway and Rick was a hoofer. They did musical comedy parodies and were very popular for about 15 minutes in the early 70’s. Interesting side note here, Rick’s brother dated Mavis who would later became Mrs. Jay Leno.

Rick walks in and I say, “Wait until you see the dog we found.” And I call him,  “CROSBY.” The dog comes running. Both Rick and Jim’s face go ashen. “Bock! You found Bock.”  “What are you talking about?” And it turns out that their friend had owned my Crosby aka Bock and lived the next street over. When they moved the dog ran away. My eyes filled with tears and I begged Rick not to take my dog away; I had already lost one Crosby, I couldn’t lose another. Rick and Jim swore they would keep our secret and they did.

Must have been about two months later when my darling wife announces she’s pregnant. My world was set upside down because I was not ready to be a father, financially or emotionally. It put a strain on the relationship, to say the least, but I finally came around and was happy that I was going to be a father. We got through the pregnancy, we move into a town house in the valley, we have the baby and Crosby comes with us every step of the way.

Having had a child I can say there is nothing more difficult for parents than a newborn. There’s no sleep, you are always on guard, and you can never relax. Gallagher says it best. He throws out an anchor on a chain and says, “No, we can’t come… we have the baby.” My ex had never thought about anyone but herself her entire life. And now she was a mother. It was killing her. I did all that I could to help but I was in and out of town doing comedy. When I was in town I was writing on staff and that was a 16-hour a day job. Life was hell but our one constant was the baby and Crosby, he was always there and he adored the child. He would sit for hours while the baby slept. But the wife was tiring of the dog. It had to be fed, it had to be walked, it needed attention and my wife was at her max with the baby.

And so one week, when I was on the road, she called Rick and told him to tell Crosby’s owners that he had been found. Rick did, the people were thrilled and came and got the dog. Shortly after that, I come home and my dog is gone. I say to my wife, “Where’s Crosby.” And she tells me what she’s done. I hear the words but they don’t sink in… “You gave the dog away without asking me?” “Well it was the right thing to do.” She mutters as I fall into a chair.  I can’t believe that she has done this. The betrayal was beyond words… but her ability for betrayal went far beyond giving the dog away. I would learn later that year when I was told my son was not mine.

I remember sitting in a chair and making a decision. You had a son. You can either chose to fight over the dog or accept what has happened and move on. And that is what I did. But at that moment in time, a little bit of the love I had for that woman died. It would be laid to rest when the whole thing about the baby was revealed.

I guess it was a year or two after my divorce and nervous breakdown that I ran into Bock/Crosby again. His owners owned a theater on Melrose Ave and I went there one night to see a production. As I walked out  I saw Crosby asleep in the office. I opened the door and said, “Crosby?” He lifted his head and growled at me. I backed away… as I had backed away from all my feelings up until that time. He didn’t remember me and it was almost fitting because at that point in my life, I didn’t remember who I was either.

It’s a horrible thing feeling when you feel you have no rights… when you’re dog is given away or you learn your child is not yours or you lose a job or get robbed or drop your keys down the storm drain, you just  accept it. It would take years of therapy to make me understand I have choices and that I didn’t have to accept the shit end of the stick any longer. In many ways the break down was the best thing that ever happened to me. I remember sitting in a hospital bed saying… “Everything you have done in your life has led you to this point. If you get out of this bed and do it the same way, you’re an idiot.” And so I made a vow to change my life. It took several attempts before I found the right formula… but I did do it.

Honestly, I should have kept the dog and given away the wife. It would have been a lot easier.

JULY 15, 2006 -
B'HAI STORY

It must have been the summer of 1969 when I was living in New York. My college friend Susan Herzberg calls me and says, "Get dressed, we're going to the Village."  Susan and I were very close during this period we had gone to Emerson together and I had gotten her a job as a singer waiter with me in some small dive as well as a job in Summer Stock in Morristown, TN. Yee-ha! So we were close, after all we were both going to be stars.

So she schleps me down to the Village to see a brand new group called Seals and Crofts. I remember it was at the Village Gate but not the main room, it was either upstairs or downstairs but it was not the main room. It was a room, as I remember it, not as big as my den today. And the walls were bleak, cream, rubbed with years of cigarette stains and the black soot that only New York City can produce. The stage was a wooden platform and I'm almost positive that the audience was seated on the floor.

When we got to the room I could not believe how many people were there. The place was packed. It was kids our age and I wondered how all these people knew about this group that I had never heard of. Susan was working at IFA at the time and she discovered them when their manager Marsha Day was shopping the group trying to get an agent. All she said to me was "Wait until you hear them."

The guys came on stage and I had never seen anything like them. Dash had long black hair was male model handsome, Jimmy was bearded, in an artistic way, and wore a cap; the same cap that would make him world famous. They tuned up and began their first song. I had never heard harmonies like this before. It was a high nasal quality that seemed to mesmerize you. They sang song after song to thunderous applause. They had an encore and then they were gone.

Susan pulled me through the crowd. "We're going
backstage." Backstage was sort of a storage room. The guys were very nice, we chatted and left. Susan said to me, with the strangest look in her eyes, "I'm going to work for them someday."  "As what?" is all I could say.  And then she began this long story about Marsha Day and the B'hai faith and how these people were going to bring peace to the world and unite us as one and how she wanted to be part of it.  My reaction, "Whatever".

From that point on Susan's life revolved around Seals and Crofts and the B'hai faith. And what Susan's life revolved around, so did mine. I was going to B'hai functions and hanging out with Jimmy and Dash. But I never wanted to convert... ever. I am not an organized religion person. I feel you carry God around with you in your heart; it's not necessary to go to a church or a mosque to find him. The more I resisted B'hai, the more Susan pushed, till she finally pushed my back to the wall and I refused to go to any more B'hai things.   One day Susan called and said, "Marsha offered me a job" "NO!" "Yes, and I'm moving to California. And you're coming."  "I am?"  Within a month she and I were on a plane to LA.... for a look see. I got off the plane and felt I had lived here all my life. It's like I was having an out of body experience. Places I visited for the first time I knew I had seen before. And the people were incredibly warm... and the drugs... oh my God... the drugs. Wait; maybe that's why I thought I had been here before. I was tripping.

Susan had made up her mind she was moving but I had this really good job at Alexander's Department Store...that I hated. Hated is a strong word, let's say...detested. Susan moved in a month and the memory of the palm trees and the warm summer nights were calling to me. And so I walked into Alexander's personnel department and gave them my notice. I called Susan and told her I was coming out. I needed a ride to get my stuff there. Within 24 hours she had hooked me up with a B'hai guy who was moving to LA and driving out in his van. I packed a trunk of clothes, an 8-inch TV and a crappy old stereo and this guy, Crosby (my dog) and I headed west.   I sold my apartment and its contents for a tidy profit and had money to start anew in L.A.

We must have driven a couple of days when one night this guy says to me, out of the blue, “I’m not happy.” He wanted to see the country not the highway. He was turning around, heading back to drive the side roads and see the country. And that's exactly what he did; he turned the van around and began pulling off on country roads to see Texas. I was being held captive but I wasn't in danger. I was just not getting to LA at the speed I wanted to go. I hadn't washed or shaved for four days when we got to Amarillo. We passed an Avis office and I screamed. "STOP" and I got out with Crosby and my trunk, marched myself to the Avis desk, handed them my credit card and rented a car. I asked them if they had a shower I could use and they did. I washed and shaved. When I walked out, I will never forget the woman behind the counter. "Honey, ya-all clean up good." And she upgraded my car. 

And so I left the hippy, B'hai guy in Amarillo. Crosby and I drove the rest of the way to California by ourselves Crosby by my side the entire trip. I will never forget coming in on the 10 freeway and rounding that curve to see the LA City Hall, or for you older people, the Daily Planet Building in Superman. It was a feeling of accomplishment that I can't even explain. I had made it across the country all by myself.  It was the start of something new.

I had two friends in LA. Susan and Jan Seeburg. (Whom I would later name my son after)  I called Jan on a Wednesday, stayed with him one night and the next day found the apartment where I met Albert Hammond and Dave Madden. The day after that I heard about a job at the May Company, went down, applied and got it.  In three days I had an apartment and a job.

Just a side story here. The first day at the May Company I walked into the office and one of the assistants had her back to me. She turned around to reveal one of the most magnificently beautiful black women I had ever seen. She had light cocoa colored skin and was about 5'11” with light brown hair she wore in a short Afro. She was Sheila Washington and she was breathtakingly beautiful. I introduced myself to her and we chatted. At lunch she told me she had just moved into a new apartment... 1535 Laurel Ave... and I just stared at her. "What. What's the matter?" I had moved into 1545 Laurel Ave.  I had moved cross the country, gotten a job in two day and the girl I'm working with lives two doors down from me.

But I digress. When we got to LA Susan got deep into B'hai. Deep.. She converted and she was determined to get me to convert. I went to every B'hai function there was. They were wonderful, loving people. I had no interest in converting. I wasn't a good Jew I wasn't going to be a good B'hai. But what I did get to do was meet Marsha Day and her gorgeous daughters... all were singers, one was married to Dash. They were a musical family and the girls backed up the boys on the road and on their records.

Years roll by. I leave the May Co and become a comedian. All the time Marsha and that insane B'hai clan are my friends. I wouldn't let any of them come to see me because I wasn't ready to be seen as a comedian (fear of judgment). But we were all close and they followed my career. Let me tell you how poor we all were at this point. It must have been August and Billie, Dash's wife at the time, was pregnant with their first child. Susan was working for Marsha and I was on unemployment. It was one of those hot summer nights when it's 89 degrees at midnight. Susan calls me. They are dying of the heat and none of them had air conditioning. I did. So the entire clan comes to my one bedroom apartment for the a/c. Must have been about 12 people. Jimmy and Dash were on the road and Billie was about 8 1/2 months pregnant. She was a beautiful woman but during the pregnancy had put on quite a bit of weight and let herself go.

The a/c was not working because of all the body heat in the room. It was hot and disgusting. We were sticky and wet and in a coma from the heat when, all of a sudden Billie, jumps up in her short shorts, with her belly sticking way out. She begins to rub her stomach and purrs in her sexiest Marilyn Monroe voice, "I know every man in the room wants me."  Ya know how it is when you're a kid and someone farts in church. That's how it was in that room when Billie sat down. We laughed for about 45 minutes.

It wasn't too soon after that that my first agent Gary Weinberg signed me to ICM. The guys were just an act at their agency until Summer Breeze hit and hit big. Suddenly, over night, Seals and Crofts were huge. HUGE. Then came the string of hits and the money was rolling in. I was wondering how these B'hai were going to handle all this sudden wealth. And here's what they did... they bought a recording studio in San Fernando and they all moved out there. San Fernando? Why didn't they just move to hell?

The guy's career went gangbusters for years. And then, as in all music acts, they began to slow down and the hits were few and far between. I honestly think it was the B'hai stuff that was a turn off to so many record promoters and radio stations. Remember this was the era of drugs, sex and rock and roll. Seals and Crofts were preaching the antithesis of this.  Bookings became harder to get in the rock world. Not that they were hurting, their royalties and music publishing were bringing them in tons of moola.

I'm with Susan one night and I hear Seals and Crofts are going to work the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. She says to me, "Would you like to middle for them? They need an act between themselves and Maureen McGovern, who Marsha had just signed." This was my first big Vegas gig and I was scared shitless but I said I would love it. And it was all arranged.  Now here's the good part. I need constant reassurance; it's the same with the audiences when I work. I need them laughing all the time. At the MGM Grand when I stepped out on the stage there must have been 3000 people there, 75 of them in Marsha Day's party... these are all people who I knew, who had been to my apartment, who invited me to their wedding, who had gone to the beach with me... these were my friends and these people whopped and hollered for me the moment I stepped out on stage. I knew someone in that crowd loved me and that's all I needed. It kept me going and as I told jokes my B'hai family screamed with laughter. The reviews were good. Seals and Crofts were a huge hit and we all went on the road together.

I have to tell you going on the road with Seals and Crofts were the best experience of my entire career. Why? It wasn't like going on the road with strangers...these were friends that I had known for years and we were all living our dream. They gave me respect and they loved working with me. And I loved working with them. They let me live MY dream. One night in their grand finale, they dragged me on stage and let me sing backup. It was one of the most exciting experiences of my life.  And just writing about it today, it makes me want to throw a rope over a rafter and hang myself. What the fuck happened to my career????  Oh, forgot, I'm a playwright.

JULY 16, 2006 -
THE LAST NEW YORK STORY
(until I think of another one)

I was working at Alexander's Department store in the late 60's. I was hired for the men's department, actually, the Tomorrow Shop. I didn't realize it then but The Tomorrow Shop was where the good-looking, young, hip people were put to give the store a trendier look.  I didn't know I was young and hip or good looking. Me trendy?  One day the VP of marketing came into the shop and looked at me, "What are YOU doing here?" And she pulled me downstairs to where the men's fashion show was being held. She grabbed a suit off the rack, threw it at me and said, "Now get out there". She thought I was one of the models. "Ma'am, I'm a salesman." She took a beat, looked me up and down and said, "Not any more."  And she put me in the show and used me to model in their catalogue until I left for California. 

I actually liked working at that store. It was like a family. We fought, we loved, we talked about each other behind our backs. It was just like a family.  And here's a funny side note. No one in that store had a last name. Like, I was Steve from Tomorrow, made me sound like I was from Disneyland. There was Rosie from receiving and Gail from dry goods and Phil from shoes and Nancy from Jr. Petites and Arnold Goodman, the coat king.  Arnold worked in coats and looked like Eddy Munster, was as masculine as Ellen DeGeneres and as funny as Joan Rivers. He had the thickest New York Accent ever and was a fixture in the store. He was the coat king then but today he works in Furs and is the prince of pelts.