It's a Green Thing (13 page)

T
here were fireworks tonight! And I'm not just talking about the sky, although it was really beautiful to see the explosions reflected on the lake. I tried not to think about the crazy party on the other side of the lake. I just hope that Marissa is okay. I'm praying for her.

But the fireworks I'm talking about are when Dominic kissed me. Yes! We had our first kiss. And second…and third…and so on. And it was totally amazing! I really felt like the earth was spinning and like I was floating and like Dominic and I were the only two people on the planet. Wow.

Still, something about this evening made me uncomfortable. I mean, the kissing really was superb. But afterward, well, there was this uncomfortable silence. Kind of like there was nothing more to say. And one of my favorite things to do with Dominic is to talk. But when the fireworks ended (both the show and the kissing), we were kind of at a loss for words. Then Dominic drove me home, and we kissed again (in the car). Then he walked me to the door, and we both said a kind of stiff good night. And I went to my room and felt uncertain. What if all that kissing messed up
what we had going? I mean, I love the idea of having Dominic as my boyfriend. But I also like him as my friend. What if I can't have both?

I'm just not sure. But I do plan to ask Caitlin for advice. We meet again tomorrow. And this time I will speak up. Besides, that might keep us from talking about Shannon. There are two people I just don't want to think about right now—Shannon and Brooke. I suppose that's avoidance on my part, but it's the truth.

Okay, it's tempting to go on and on about Dominic now. To write about how wonderful he is. How much fun it was to kiss him. How I feel like I'm in love. But that all seems kind of juvenile. I never wanted this diary to become like that. And I really, really do not want to be boy crazy. That is so not me.

“Here it is.” Kim handed me the newspaper this morning. “Your first column, Maya. Doesn't it look great?”

I looked at the Twenty Below section and felt a simultaneous rush of panic and pride. “Wow.”

“Look, it's right next to the ‘Just Ask Jamie’ column.”

I nodded and stared at my photo. Even though it was taken a year ago, it makes me look older than I am. It probably makes me look prettier too. “Do you think anyone actually reads this section?” I asked nervously. “I mean, anyone our age?”

Kim laughed. “Well, for the newspaper's sake, let's hope so.”

“Hey, it looks like your dad wrote an introduction for my column.” I paused to read it, then sighed. “That was sweet.”

“He's proud of you, Maya.”

I glanced at her. “You're okay with that, right?”

“You mean, am I jealous?”

I barely nodded.

“Of course not. I'm proud of you too, Maya. And if it makes you feel better, my dad is very proud of me too.”

“I know.”

I read through the column, then handed the paper back to Kim. “I guess that wasn't too bad.”

“Not too bad?” She poked me in the arm. “You're a published writer, Maya. Not many teens can say that.”

“I guess.”

“Don't you want to keep this for your scrapbook?” She handed me the newspaper, and I took it to my room and placed it on my portfolio. I know I should be pleased, but somehow this attention feels a little unnerving. And as I drove to meet with Caitlin, I found myself hoping that no one really reads that part of the newspaper. I've barely read it before. Of course, that will change now that I'm part of it. Still, it's weird knowing that a piece of you is out there for the public to see. Modeling was sort of like that, but there was an anonymity too. It was just my face and my body, not my thoughts or my name. This changes things.

“You're famous.” Caitlin held up the newspaper as I sat across from her with my mocha. “I thought you might like an extra copy.”

“Thanks.” I folded the paper and slid it into my bag, then shook my head. “I don't think I want to be famous.”

She chuckled. “Maybe you should've thought of that sooner.”

I frowned.

“Don't worry,” she said quickly. “I doubt too many people read that section of the paper.”

“That's what I was hoping.”

“Although that ‘Just Ask Jamie’ advice column is pretty popular.”

To change the subject, I told Caitlin that I had a question about dating. Suddenly she was all ears. So I told her about Dominic and how we've gone out a couple of times.

“He is such a great guy,” she said. “I really respect him.”

I nodded. “Yes.”

“So what's your question, Maya?”

I told her about the fireworks…and kissing. I could feel my cheeks getting hot as I said this. I even glanced around the coffee-house to make sure no one was listening.

Caitlin just smiled and nodded. “And…you said you had a specific question?”

“Well, afterward…it just seemed so awkward. And I felt uncomfortable. We didn't talk at all. And I just wondered…”

“You wondered if something was wrong?”

“Yes.”

Caitlin's expression was thoughtful now. “Has Kim or anyone told you about my personal convictions?”

I shook my head. “No, what do you mean?”

She chuckled. “Well, I have kind of a reputation.”

“A reputation?” Somehow this did not seem like the Caitlin I knew.

“For being anti-dating.”

“Anti-dating?”

“Yes. When I was in high school, I did the dating thing too. But it just didn't work for me. Dating made me feel that I was being compromised as a Christian. Like the relationships got carried away. Guys always wanted to go farther than I wanted. It was out of my comfort zone.”

“So you became anti-dating?”

“I did.”

“Wasn't that hard?”

“For me it was easier. It allowed me to be friends with guys without the pressure of getting too physically intimate. And now that I know a little more about guys, I realize that too much intimacy isn't good for them either.” She shook her head. “The stories I could tell.”

“So is kissing wrong?”

“I can't really say what's right or wrong for you, Maya. I mean, in regard to kissing. But it was wrong for me.”

“Then how do I know what's right or wrong? For me.”

“You have to ask God to lead you. But I can give you some pointers if you want.”

“Sure.” I got out my notebook.

“Well, to begin with, God speaks to us with a quiet voice. The Bible calls it a still, small voice. It's like your conscience. The trick is that we have to listen. We have to stay tuned in.”

“How?”

“Like I've told you. We need to spend time in God's Word, reading the Bible. And we need to spend time in prayer. And we also need to spend time with other Christians.” She looked intently at me now. “We need to be in fellowship, Maya, like youth group and church.”

“Meaning I've blown it by skipping youth group?”

“I can't say, but you should ask God about it. That's the tricky thing about being a Christian. God speaks to us individually. That puts the responsibility on us to listen. And if you feel uncomfortable about where things are going with Dominic, well, that might be God speaking to you.”

I nodded. I sort of understood. Not completely, but sort of.

“Is Dominic your first boyfriend?”

I wanted to say no, but that would have been a lie. I just nodded again.

“Have you thought about where you stand in regard to sex? I mean, sex outside of marriage?”

I'm sure I looked uncomfortable.

“Do you mind if I speak candidly, Maya?”

“No, that's why I asked you.”

“Well, God's best plan for us is to wait until we're married to have sex. How do you feel about that?”

“I think I agree.”

She smiled. “But you haven't really thought about it?”

“Oh, sort of. But the opportunity never really presented itself.” I shrugged. “Not that it has now. I mean, no way were we going there, Caitlin. We were just kissing.”

“I know. But that's always the way it starts. I'm saying this from personal experience. You think it's just about kissing. And maybe it is for you. But guys are wired differently, Maya. Especially at this age. It's like their hormones are totally raging, and sometimes they can barely control themselves.”

I glanced around again, worried that someone might be listening. But everyone seemed intent in their own conversations.

“Sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable.”

“It's okay. I need to hear this stuff.”

She laughed. “You'd be surprised how many girls I've had this exact same conversation with.”

“You mean those immature girls?” Suddenly I wished I hadn't brought this up. I liked it better when Caitlin thought I was mature for my age.

“No, I didn't mean that at all. It's an important conversation to have. I'm just saying that I'm kind of used to it now, and I don't mind being honest. That is, if you don't mind.”

“No, I don't mind.”

“I've seen a lot of Christian girls try to figure out the dating dilemma. What's right? How far is too far? I've seen girls make a sincere commitment to abstain from sex until marriage. And I've seen them blow it. They get caught up in a moment, they feel pressure, they rationalize that they're in love, and suddenly the commitment is tossed by the wayside.” She paused to sip her coffee. “And then the girl gets hurt.”

“Hurt?”

“Oh, some girls act like it's okay, but I don't buy that. The first thing that gets hurt is their walk with God. And then they usually get hurt by the guy moving on—and that's almost always the case. Then they suffer self-esteem issues. And I've even seen girls who end up pregnant.”

“Pregnant?” Okay, by that time I was wishing we weren't having this conversation at all. I mean, I have no intention of getting pregnant.

“You look surprised, but it's a fact of life. What I've seen happen with good Christian girls is that they do not plan to have sex. So then when it happens, they are totally unprepared.”

“Meaning birth control?”

“Exactly. Now I'm not saying that they should have a condom in their purse, but on the other hand, they shouldn't think that God will protect them from pregnancy.”

“Of course not.”

She smiled. “Am I going too far?”

I kind of shrugged.

“I'm only saying all this to point out that it all starts with having a steady boyfriend, Maya. And then kissing. And then the envelope gets pushed a little further. And some couples get carried away. Not all of them. But if you let nature takes its course, well, it usually leads to intercourse.”

Still, as she said this, I was thinking that I am different. And Dominic is different. Finally I said as much.

“Everyone is different, Maya. But I doubt that you and Dominic are immune to this. Although I do think it's great that you're considering these things early in your relationship. See, that just shows that you are mature. Sex is something every teenage girl needs to think about and come to grips with. God has a great plan for you, but He can't bring it about if you don't cooperate with Him.”

“I want to cooperate.”

“Well, dating is probably the number-one way teens get derailed in their relationship with God. There's just no easy way to say it except to say it's a fact.”

“So these girls—the ones who blow their commitment not to have sex—do they lose their relationships with God as a result?”

“Some do temporarily. But God is always there, waiting to forgive and to heal. Still, He wants to save us from senseless suffering.”

I was sitting there, trying to take this in. I really had a hard time thinking that any of that could happen to me. I'm a sensible person. I don't think I'd let things get that carried away.

“Remember my best friend? The one I told you about last week?”

“Sure. The designer in New York.”

“Yes. Beanie Jacobs. She's given me permission to share her story with the girls I counsel. When we were in high school, Beanie and I both made a vow to abstain from sex before marriage. But Beanie started dating this guy, also a Christian, and they got carried away. She broke her vow.”

Now this disappointed me. “Beanie?”

“She thought she was in love. And I think because she didn't have a dad, well, she was really looking for a guy to love her in a special way.”

“And he did?”

Caitlin sighed. “Not exactly. When Beanie discovered she was pregnant, her boyfriend, Zach, was totally derailed. They broke up. Beanie got her heart broken, and Zach got involved in drugs. It was really sad.”

“Oh…” I shook my head. “Beanie got pregnant?”

“She ended up losing the baby. Even that was pretty tragic.”

“But she's okay now?”

“Yes, she's doing great, thanks to God's grace.” Caitlin smiled. “The only reason I'm telling you about her is because back then I never dreamed that Beanie would do something like that. She was mature in so many ways. I felt totally blindsided by it.”

“Are you telling me this because you think it could happen to me?”

“All I'm saying is it can happen to anyone, Maya. And it does.”

I looked down at my empty coffee mug.

“Okay, how about we talk about something else?”

I nodded hopefully.

“I'm organizing a benefit concert to raise money to help school kids. It's called the Back-to-School Backpack Project, and the plan is to purchase and fill backpacks for underprivileged kids so they'll feel more confident when they go back to school in September.”

“That's very cool.”

“Anyway, I'm looking for helpers. I know you're pretty busy, but if you're interested in being on the committee, I'd appreciate it.”

So I agreed, and Caitlin explained that the concert will be in early August. And Chloe has agreed to bring Redemption, her band, to play for the event. In the meantime we'll try to get some things donated from various vendors, like door prizes and the printing of tickets and fliers.

“It sounds like a great event,” I told Caitlin as we went to our cars.

“I hope so.” Caitlin lowered her voice. “And I hope I didn't make you too uncomfortable with my little sex talk, Maya.”

“No…I mean, yeah, it was a little uncomfortable. But you've given me a lot to think about.”

“Now do you get what I meant when I said I have a reputation?”