Irreversible Damage (Irreparable) (25 page)

He smiles big, but then it fades away, replaces with a sad frown. “Are you going to leave again?”

I stifle a sob as my heart crumbles. I never stopped to consider how my decision to leave would affect him. I force a smile. “No. I promise you. I’m not going anywhere.”

His smile returns. “Good.”

This poor kid is just short of five years old, and he’s already been stained by his parents’ – myself included – poor choices. I vow silently to myself to provide him with so many good memories, the bad ones will wash clean from his mind.

“My dad was really sad when you were gone.”

I sigh and smile at him. “I was sad, too, kiddo, but I promise that your dad and I will always be here for you.”

“Are you two going to get married?”

Well, that one hurts. What do I say? I know I can’t tell a four-year-old that his dad and I were already married and we screwed it all to hell. I shrug. “I don’t know…maybe.”

“I hope you get married.” His eyes shine with happiness.

“You do?”

He nods with a shy smile.

“Why’s that?”

“Because then you could be my mommy.”

My heart melts. He’s so sweet and pure and full of love. I’m pondering how to respond appropriately when our mountain of ice cream arrives. We actually put a pretty good dent in it.

When we get back to the studio, security greets us and escorts us up the elevator. We walk down a narrow hall before the guard stops and opens a door. We walk through. Two guys sit in front of a million knobs and switches. I spot the band behind the glass wall in front of us as Brady’s smooth voice fills the room. It’s not a song I’ve heard before. It sounds like he’s in pain. The words are about being broken, about not being able live with his loss. It’s the next verse that has my eyes burning and filling with tears. I can’t make out all of the words, but “you should’ve listened to your heart” and “please come back” come through with clarity. The music stops. I turn to wave at Brady. He doesn’t respond, and I assume the glass is one-way.

The guy with the dark hair at the desk says, “She’s here. Now will you quit dicking around?” He turns and winks at me as he mouths,
He’s been impossible
.

I smile.

The guy’s voices come through the speakers. “Hey, Tori.”

“I missed you, Sunshine.” I hear the happiness in Brady’s voice.

I laugh. We only went for ice cream.

“Get to work,” I say, smiling at the two guys behind the desk.

“Thank you.” The blond guy looks up, laughing. “You heard the lady — we got an album to finish.”

I turn to see Andrew coloring at a small table next to the back wall. He’s obviously comfortable here. I sit next to him, looking down at his drawing of two large smiley faces with thin lines for arms and legs. “Who do you have there?”

“It’s me and my mom.”

I swallow hard. “You did a very nice job.”

“Thanks,” he says as he continues to color.

I lean in close to get a better look. “You want to hang it on your wall?”

He lets the crayon fall. His head turns to look at me. “Nope.”

I’d love to know what’s going on in that head of his, but I don’t dare ask. “Okay, but if you want to, we can.”

“I know.”

I sit with him for the next few hours, coloring and talking. He’s funny and smart, but he’s also sweet and kind. The more time I spend with him, the harder it is for me to fathom how Annabelle could walk away.

 It’s late when the session wraps up. Brady stops to talk with the two guys behind the controls. Jesse’s the first of the band to greet me. He lifts me from the floor in his signature hug. He sets me down and looks at me nervously. “You good?”

I nod and smile.

“I’m glad you’re back. Your guy was an unpleasant ass while you were gone.”

I laugh just as Chad comes to hug me. I welcome his hug. He offers similar sentiments about Brady’s behavior in my absence. I notice Gabe laughing with Andrew and giving him high-fives. I walk over to them.

“Oh, hey, Tori.”

He shakes my hand. My eyes travel up his tattooed arms to his gauged ears. I can’t help but thinking he’s a prime example of why you should never judge people. His outward appearance screams rowdy and wild, yet he’s more the laid-back, gentle type.

“You have a way with kids, I see.”

“Ah, I have a four-year-old of my own at home.” He smiles, rubbing the top of Andrew’s head. “We should get the two of them together sometime.”

“We should. That would be fun.”

I feel a little ashamed of myself. Gabe was at our home almost daily before I left, and I never knew he had a kid.

“Cool, I’m glad you’re back.” His eyes shift to Brady and then back to me. “You and him okay?”

I look over at Brady with a smile. “Yeah, I think we are.”

“Good. You’re blessed to have each other. Life’s short. Spend every minute you can together.”

Laid-back, philosophical, and a little cryptic. I like Gabe.

“Come on, beautiful.” Brady’s arms slip around my waist as he inhales against my neck. “I want to get you home.” 

I giggle, rolling my eyes at Gabe. “It was great to see you, Gabe, and we’ll definitely get the kids together.”

Brady gives Andrew a piggyback ride and holds my hand as we exit the studio. We stop on the way home and get a bite to eat. Andrew falls asleep before we make it to the border for home. As we drive, I think about whether these late nights are good for him, and if he should be in school, meeting other kids and learning the alphabet. This is all new to me. I don’t even know what age a kid starts school, but it seems like he should have a routine and a bedtime.

“What are you thinking about?”

I glance toward the back seat. “Do you think he should be out so late? I mean, it’s almost eleven…and shouldn’t he be in school?” Maybe it’s not my place, but I say it anyway.

Brady smiles and then starts laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

He shakes his head. “I love you.”

“Okay…” I turn my head to look out the window, watching the street lights streak by.

Brady sighs. I turn my head back to him. “The truth is, I have no clue when he should start school or what time he should be in bed. I kind of suck at this. I know I love him.”

“I didn’t mean to imply you’re doing a bad job. I just…”

He interrupts me. “I know you didn’t. I’ve thought about it, too.”

I cross my leg and readjust myself in the seat. “So…what now?”

His index finger slides back and forth over his lips a few times. “I have a couple more weeks in the studio. I figured I’d sort it out after that.”

He’s not going to like my suggestion, but a couple of weeks is too long to continue like this. “Well, I’m here now, so he can be home with me, and get to bed at a reasonable hour.”

His eyes pull sideways. “But I want you with me.”

I roll my eyes, shaking my head. “Brady, you can’t even see me through the glass.”

 “True, but I can feel you.” He squeezes my knee and laughs.  “I like having you there.”

I like being there, but it’s not about us anymore. It’s about what’s best for Andrew. “You’re crazy, but what about a compromise? Tomorrow I’ll look into preschool near the studio. While he’s in school, I’ll come hang out at the studio.”

He agrees, and I glance at the back seat, smiling at our sleeping child.

It’s after midnight when we get home and settle Andrew into bed. I’m in the shower when I feel Brady slip in behind me. He quietly starts helping me shampoo my hair. It feels good to be home.

The next morning Brady leaves for the studio early, and I go about hunting down a preschool for Andrew. I’m shocked by the sheer number of options and am terrified to choose one. I call my mother, who advises me to visit each one of them and go with my gut.

After Andrew is up, dressed, and fed, we go to San Diego and visit each of the schools on my list. Some are okay, while others are way too militant. So far my “gut” doesn’t care for any of them. We stop at the final option and go inside to meet with the director. From the moment we walk in the door, I’m comfortable. It’s not so clean that I feel the need to tell Andrew to remove his shoes, and it’s not so dirty that I have to sanitize his hands. The director shows us around, and Andrew finds a group of kids to hang out with while I talk with the director. I let her know I’ll get back to her after I speak with Brady, and then I collect Andrew to go to the studio.

We arrive just as the band is breaking for lunch. The three of us pick up subs and eat lunch on the beach. I discuss the school I found with Brady, and after Andrew tells him he loved it, we decide it’s the one.

  After I drop Brady off, I decide to stop at the Center on our way back to the house. I pull up front and park before removing Andrew from his booster seat. As we walk toward the building hand in hand, Andrew asks, “What is this place?”

I stop walking. My mind starts flipping through the best way to explain it. “It’s where Aunt Liv and Uncle Harrison work, and there are lots of kids here.” I avoid saying anything further and pray he doesn’t ask.

“So it’s like a school?”

“Kinda,” I say as I start walking again.

He doesn’t ask any more questions.  We walk through the main building and head out back. I spot Harrison on the soccer field, referring a soccer game. Liv is reading to Camilia at one of the picnic tables. As soon as I see Camilia, I remember the family that was coming to see them and Brady telling me it didn’t work out. I’m sad and happy. I want a family for her and Paco, but I’m thrilled to see them again. “Come on, buddy, I want you to meet someone.”

I walk Andrew over to the table. Liv’s eyes light up when she sees us. She gives Andrew a hug and introduces him to Camilia. The two stare at each other nervously for a few seconds before Camilia smiles and asks Andrew if he’d like to go play soccer. The two run off, giggling. I watch them cross right through the middle of the soccer game. Andrew jumps into Harrison’s arms for a hug. Harrison’s eyes find me, and he waves. I wave back.

“So, now that Brady’s not around, I want you to know I’m mad as hell, and if you ever hurt him again, I’ll kick your ass!”

I stare at her angry eyes, completely shocked. Her mouth finally curves into a smile, and I let out a breath of air.

Liv laughs before saying, “I’m not mad anymore, but you should have seen him, Tor.” There’s nothing she can say that will make me feel any worse. “He was moody and mean.”

I roll my eyes and laugh. “He’s always been moody and mean.”

She sticks her tongue out at me. “You know what I’m talking about. It’s not funny.”

“I know, but I feel bad enough.” I fill her in on what happened with Annabelle the night I left and how I thought they’d slept together. I tell her about my postpartum depression and how low I felt.

“I’m glad she’s gone.” There’s disdain in her voice. I suspect Annabelle was as friendly with Liv as she was with me.

“I know, but she is Andrew’s mother, so please be respectful.” I can’t believe I’m sticking up for her, but I feel very protective of Andrew and his feelings. I don’t ever want him to think about his mother with the same hardened heart that Brady thinks about Sheila.

Her eyebrows come together as she takes a defensive posture. “God, Tori, I would never say anything in front of him.”

I relax a little. “Good, because he’s having a hard enough time.”

She smiles thoughtfully. “Well, I’m glad you’re back to help him through it.”

I am, too. This is where I belong. “So, tell me, how things are going with you and Harrison?”

Her face lights up. “They’re back to normal, now that I’m done being a whiner. We leave for Tahiti in few weeks.”

“That should be fun.”

She shrugs, shoving some papers into a stack tray on the side of the desk. “Yeah, I’m looking forward to it. I’m done here. You want to go outside?”

We get up and join in the soccer game for a while before I round Andrew up to go home. He says goodbye to the other kids and Liv and Harrison.

Once we’re home, Andrew tells me he’d like spaghetti for dinner. I tell him that if he’s okay with sauce from a jar, then I’ll make it. He adorably informs me that will be just fine. After starting a pot of water, I have him help me with the rest. Propping him on a stool next to the counter, I cut veggies for a salad, and he tosses them into the bowl. I slice some bread and open the butter, dabbing some on his nose. He giggles and wipes it on his hand. While I stir the sauce, I feel Andrew watching me from his stool. I smile.

“This is fun.”

“It is fun, huh?”

“Yep. I never got to help make dinner before. Mom didn’t really cook. We usually had McDonalds.”

I ignore the urge to tell him how much I despise his mother. Sheila had given Annabelle enough money that she could have hired a chef to make them dinner every night. I smile and say, “Well, I happen to know that you have to be four and three quarters before you can start helping in the kitchen.”

“Really?”

“Yep, it’s a rule.”

“What’s a rule?”

“Daddy.” Andrew leaps from the stool. He runs and jumps in Brady’s arms. Brady picks him up and carries him into the kitchen. He kisses me on the lips with a smile.

“You’re home early.”

He sets Andrew down. “Yeah, Gabe had child-care issues.”

“Oh. Where’s his girlfriend?”

Brady’s brow creases together in that familiar way. “Hey, buddy, why don’t you go to the bathroom and wash your hands?”

Andrew leaves, and I feel on edge. Brady clears his throat. “Gabe’s girlfriend had leukemia. She died last year.”

“Oh.” I had no idea. “I remember his comment about her not being cool with him practicing in the house. I just thought…”

“I didn’t know, either. It came up after you left when he was late for a session. He’s a single dad, and he works nights so he can be in the studio during the day.” He touches my cheek with a pensive look in his eyes. “I don’t know how he does it.” I know he’s thinking what it would be like if something happened to me. I’m thinking it, too, but neither of us says it.

“Does he have any family?”

He sighs and shakes his head. “His mom helps out. Other than that, I don’t know.”