Into This River I Drown (71 page)

But it doesn’t happen. Cal’s wings have dissolved completely, and blue light fills the church as the crumbled feathers are sucked up with the wind, catching a downdraft and falling toward me. I close my eyes as the dust hits my face and rolls down my body. All the pain in my body is soothed, and I feel him there, in me, in my head and heart. I feel the connection with his mind. He’s scared now, scared of what’s happening, scared he won’t be able to keep me happy. He has doubts, and they’re such a human thing that my breath catches in my throat. But the one thing he does not doubt is me. The one thing he does not regret is becoming human.

Even as I heal and feel him within me completely, I press back toward him and the dust rises again, caught in an updraft, flying up toward him. It travels around his body, wrapping around him front and back, rising up until it passes over his head. He spasms again as it leaves him, clenching his hands to fists at his sides, snapping his head back and forth. I cry out, but he doesn’t seem to hear me. What remains of his feathers spins above his head and shoots through the halo. Nothing appears out the other side. Once the blue dust is gone, the halo shrinks back in on itself, collapsing until it falls into nothing. The light of St. Jude Novena fades away. Cal is lowered from the ceiling, the winds beginning to die as he descends. Weak blue light circles him, and all I can think of is how he first came to me, a flash of fire falling from the sky.

His body relaxes as he floats toward the ground, spinning until he’s facedown. He lands on the floor on his knees in the middle of the archangels, and they sigh as one and step back. The wind is gone. The lights are gone. His wings are gone. His eyes are closed, and he takes short, shallow breaths, the only sound in the quiet church. He collapses on his hands, his head bent toward the floor of the church. He twists over and lies down on his back.

I take a hesitant step forward. “Cal?” I whisper. I reach him and drop to my knees, my hands shaking as I reach out to touch him. I let my fingers trail over his face. “Cal?”

He opens his eyes. “Benji,” he says, his dark eyes filling with wonder. “I feel… different.”

I worry. “Different good or different bad?”

“Different different.”

“Do you hurt?”

“No.”

“Are you sick?”

“No.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“My heart,” he says, reaching up to touch my cheek. I nuzzle into the palm of his hand. “It’s never been like this. I never thought it could be like this. It aches, but it’s so good. It’s better than anything.”

I understand, I think. He’s not sick. He’s not in pain. He’s not wounded. His heart aches because he’s human. It aches because it’s full. “You’re home,” I tell him gently, leaning down to kiss him once. He wraps his arms around me and holds me down against him, my face in his neck.

“You still hurt?” he asks me hoarsely.

“No. Your feathers. They… helped me too.”

“I asked him for that.”

“Asked who?”

“My Father. Benji, I saw my Father. I spoke with him. I walked with him.”

Michael crouches down on his knees, staring down at us, a quizzical look on his face. “Father spoke to you?” he asks carefully. The other archangels look just as interested.

“Yes,” Cal said.

“What did he say?”

Cal sighs. “He told me there was no one such as me in the world and that I belong to him. He told me he’ll believe in me, always. He told me he’ll miss me every day we’re apart, but that one day, I would see him again.”

I close my eyes to keep from breaking.

Michael sighs. “Maybe one day I’ll be able to understand him.”

“Highly unlikely,” David snorts. “I doubt any of us will.”

“No matter,” Gabriel says. “What’s done is done and can’t be undone.” He blushes for a moment as Michael glares at him. I wonder at it, but don’t ask.

“This is just the beginning,” Raphael says, looking disgusted. “Wait until On High hears what Father did for Calliel. We’re going to be losing angels left and right! How the hell can we be expected to win this war if we have no one left to fight should we be called to do so?”

Michael stands as I help Cal to his feet. “It doesn’t matter,” Michael says, looking up at St. Jude. “Father has made his decision. The design has changed. If others choose to fall, then it will be done. We have to put faith in him that he knows what he’s doing. He would not have made this decision now if he didn’t think we could survive.” He looks back to us. “If the time calls for it, Calliel, I may ask you to stand with us. I pray it doesn’t come to that. But in case it does, I will come for you again.”

I feel cold as I grip his hand tightly. “Not without me, you won’t,” I snap at Michael. “He’s mine now. He goes, I go.”

“Benji—”

“I’m not asking you. I’m telling you.”

He nods, unable to meet my eyes.

“Will it be soon?” Nina asks suddenly. I’d forgotten that all of Roseland surrounds us. I look out over the crowd. They look dazed and tired, confused and elated. Exactly how I feel.

Michael looks at her. “What was that, child?”

“Your war,” she says. “Is it coming soon?”

The other three archangels share glances. Michael doesn’t look away from Nina. I wonder what he sees in her. I wonder if he knows she is different, in the best sense of the word. “I don’t know, little one,” he says finally, his wings drooping. “I think so.”

“Will you fight? All of you?”

“If we’re called to. If there’s no other hope.” The other archangels nod.

“There’s
always
hope,” she insists. “There is always hope, and you must remember that. You are
not
alone in this.”

Michael’s eyes widen as he takes a step back. “Where did you hear….” He shakes his head. “This town,” he mutters. “What is it about this town? Who
are
you people?”

No one answers.

“Michael,” Raphael growls. “It’s time to leave.”

“It’s been… interesting,” David says, tipping a salute at us.

Gabriel surprises me by rushing over and pulling me into a hug. “Thank you,” he whispers. “For allowing us to choose. Maybe one day when this is over, I can find my own redheaded daddy.” He kisses me on the cheek, and I gape at him as he prances away.

Then only Michael stands before me, and I can’t yet tell how I feel about him. “Good-bye,” I say finally, unable to think of anything else.

He nods. “Benji,” he says. He turns to Cal. “I hope you don’t live to regret this.”

Cal leans over and kisses my forehead as I help him to his feet, then rubs his nose against my scalp. “Even if I do,” he says, his lips against my skin, “I will remember this moment, because this moment will have made it all worth it.”

“I’m sure it will,” Michael says slowly. He turns and walks back to his brothers, and then he looks out at the crowd. “Keep him safe,” he calls out gruffly. “Or you’ll answer to me.”

And with that, the world explodes in color, and the angels are gone.

Silence falls over the church again as everyone seems to hold their breath at once.

It is Nina (always and forever Nina) who speaks first. “This has been the strangest start to a summer I’ve ever seen,” she says, looking around. “I wonder what will happen next year?”

And with that, the dam breaks and the crowd surges up to me and Cal, and there is love, and there are tears. There is laughter, handshakes, and hugs. There are moments of breathtaking joy. These are my people. This is my town. This is my home. And for the first time in a very long time, it feels complete once more.

the sunrise

It takes
us a while to escape the throngs of people who want nothing more than to hear our words, to touch Cal and welcome him home. They want him to know they’ll protect his secret until the very end. They want him to know they love him. They want him to know he’ll always be welcome in our little town. They kiss him and me over and over again.

My mother, Mary, and Nina are the last. Mom pulls down the neck of the scrubs I wear, trying to find the bullet wound on my chest. It’s gone. She pulls the bandages off Cal’s chest and stomach (taking a quite a bit of hair with it, if his yelp is any indication) and his wounds are gone as well. “I don’t…,” she says, shaking her head and taking a step back. “Why does this all feel like a dream?”

I don’t know how to answer that, so I just hug her tightly against me then reach around her to pull in Nina and Mary. We hold each other for a time and then let go, standing in a circle with our foreheads together. “Secret?” I ask.

“Secret,” they all whisper as they watch me.

“Cross your heart?”

“Hope to die.”

“Stick a thousand needles in your eye.” I sigh. “I have so many things to tell you. Things I’ve seen. People I’ve spoken to. What I’ve learned and what happens next. But you’re… you’re all my family, and I think I’d forgotten that. I’m sorry. I just….” I can’t finish.

“We know,” Mary says, tears in her eyes. “It just took you some time.”

“We’ve always known,” Nina says with a sniffle. “We knew you’d find your way back.”

“And we’ve been here waiting,” my mother says as she weeps. “Waiting for you to come home.”

They kiss me and hug me, then do the same to Cal. After that, we are alone. And without a word, we know where to go. He puts his hand in mine, and we leave the church behind.

It’s
the wee hours of the morning. We haven’t yet slept. We’re sitting on the roof of the house my father built. I’m sitting between Cal’s legs, my back pressed against his chest. He’s wrapped his arms around me and holds me close. I feel his breath on my ear.

For the first time in a long time, my mind is not cluttered with questions. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe without the weight of the world on my shoulders. For the first time in a long time, I am at peace.

“It feels different today,” he says, kissing the top of my head.

He’s right. It does. I tell him so.

He accepts this with a gorgeous smile.

Then I realize I
do
have a question. “Cal?”

“Yes?”

“Your Father.”

He sighs. “My Father.”

“Was he… was he what you thought he’d be?” I don’t want the answer for me. I want the answer for
him
.

He takes his time before he speaks, as if he’s choosing his words carefully, but that’s okay. “He was more,” he finally says quietly. “He was so much more. I don’t know if I can find the words to describe him. He was everything all at once. Beauty, life, horror, death. Love. Everything.”

“Sometimes words can’t show the measure of a man,” I say, thinking of my own father.

“Yes. Oh yes. Even if he’s not a man. But it doesn’t matter. I thanked him, in the end.”

“For what?”

“For this place. For these people. For you. Most of all, I thanked him for you.” He takes a deep breath. “Are you scared?”

I don’t hesitate. “Yes, but not of you. If there’s anything I’m sure of, it’s you. All the rest we’ll take as it comes. Together. If we’re called to fight, we’ll do it together.”

Moments before we see the sun, Cal says, “I love you.”

“I know,” I say as I smile. “I love you too.

“What happens next?” he asks. He doesn’t sound worried.

I kiss him sweetly and feel him press his tongue against mine. He curls his hand around the back of my head, and I feel like fire. I pull away, but only just. “We live,” I tell him before falling back into the kiss.

The sun rises over the mountains, bringing with it the dawn of a new day. And it’s enough.

My name
is Benjamin Edward Green, after my father, our first and middle names transposed. People call me Benji. Big Eddie wanted me to carry his name, but felt I should have my own identity, hence the switch. I don’t mind, knowing it will always bind us together. It’s a gift, and because of him, I’ve been able to find my life again. I’ve been able to find meaning in all the colors of the world. Because of him, I’ve found my home.

This is at once the end and the beginning.

This is the story of my love of two men.

One is my father.

The other is a man who fell from the sky.

About the Author

When
TJ Klune
was eight, he picked up a pen and paper and began to write his first story (which turned out to be his own sweeping epic version of the video game Super Metroid—he didn't think the game ended very well and wanted to offer his own take on it. He never heard back from the video game company, much to his chagrin). Now, two decades later, the cast of characters in his head have only gotten louder, wondering why he has to go to work as a claims examiner for an insurance company during the day when he could just stay home and write.

He lives with a neurotic cat in the middle of the Sonoran Desert. It’s hot there, but he doesn’t mind. He dreams about one day standing at Stonehenge, just so he can say he did.

TJ can be found on Facebook under TJ Klune.

His blog is tjklunebooks.blogspot.com.

You can e-mail him at [email protected].

Also from TJ K
LUNE