Into This River I Drown (70 page)

“Cal,” I choke out. “You can’t. You can’t do this for me.”

He ignores me. “Michael—”

Michael’s wings flash brightly as they snap open. A blazing halo appears above his head as he roars at me. People in the crowd scream, but they do not try to leave. If anything, they surge forward, pushing their way in between Michael and me. They form a circle around Cal and me, and while their eyes are alight with fear, and while their chests heave with ragged breaths, they don’t back down. They don’t move.

“This is our town,” Rosie growls at him. “And Benji and Cal belong to us. Cal is not yours. Not anymore.”

And as quickly as it came, the white lights around Michael fade away. His wings settle. His halo disappears. His eyes lighten. “This town,” he says as he chuckles ruefully.

And then it all comes charging back. His wings snap out to their full length. They flash a blinding light. The halo spins furiously. He rocks his head back and his mouth falls open, the cords in his neck straining against his skin. A great wind begins to rush over us all. The crowd around me tightens its circle, and Cal presses his head against my stomach. I wrap my arms around his head and hold him tight. My fingers brush over the groove caused by the bullet, and I know how close it was. I know how close this is now. “Until the very end,” I whisper.

The lights fade.

The winds die.

The crowd breathes around me.

Michael sighs.

“What did he say?” I ask him. “I know you just spoke to him. What did he say?”

The crowd parts as Michael walks toward us. I grip Cal tighter. He digs his fingers into my skin as Michael approaches, dragging his wings along the floor. He stops in front of me, glancing between Cal and myself. “I was tested,” he says roughly. He looks pale.

“Did you pass?”

“I don’t know.” He looks down at his hands. “We don’t always know the answers right away. Sometimes we never know. Things… things are changing. He….” Michael trails off, looking unsure.

“He what?”

“He has a message for you.”

Goose bumps break out over my arms, and I swallow past the lump in my throat. “What did he say?”

I have faith. I have faith. I have faith.

“He said… he said he wants you to know that those we love are never really gone.” Michael closes his eyes. “We may not get to see them like we used to, and we may not even remember what they sound like, but they will always be with us. Do you understand?”

My mother and some others around me begin to weep openly. Mary puts her arm around my mother’s shoulders and whispers quietly in her ear. “I understand,” I tell him. “Do you?” I don’t believe the message was meant for just me.

Michael’s eyes are bright when he opens them. “I think I do,” he says.

I nod. “Is that it?”

He looks down at Cal. “No,” he says softly. “Everything is changing.”

“Then we face it,” I tell him. “We face it head-on and we don’t look back.”

“I think I can see it now,” he says, raising his gaze to mine. “Why he chose you.”

I shake my head. “I’m nothing. I’m no one. I’m just one person.”

“No, Benji. You are so much more. You have changed the course of Heaven.” He takes a step back and closes his eyes, tilting his head back and taking a deep breath. “Brothers! I call to thee!”

There’s nothing at first, and it gives me time to panic, knowing, just
knowing
that Michael has called for reinforcements, that he’s going to take Cal away while others descend upon Roseland, destroying everyone and everything in their path

Then there are bright flashes of gold and purple and black. The people of Roseland cry out as they raise their hands to cover their eyes. I hold Cal against me, refusing to let go. If this is to be our last moment, then I want it to be with him.

The lights fade. I open my eyes.

Three more angels stand before me, next to Michael. The first is a fierce-looking man with black wings and black hair. He’s bigger than Cal, even, almost as big as my father was. He has a scowl on his face as he looks around the church, his dark eyes flashing in what looks like anger. He appears to be dressed for battle, his chest heavily plated in armor, gauntlets on his wrists. A sheathed sword hangs at his side. “Raphael,” Michael greets him.

He turns to the next man, who is slender and gorgeous. His hair is a cascade of blond curls, his eyes bright blue. His golden wings appear smaller than those of his counterparts, but he makes up for it with a wicked twist of a grin. My heart thumps lightly in my chest, an observance of true beauty and nothing more. “David,” Michael says.

The last man is staring interestedly at me and Cal. When he catches me staring at him, he gives a little wave, a big smile adorning his face, revealing even teeth. He brushes a lock of his long white hair out of his face and flutters his bright purple wings. Earrings that look like they’re made of stone hang from his ears. “Gabriel,” Michael says.

Oh fuck. More archangels.

My eyes get wider at each name mentioned, and Cal gets more tense. He starts to pull himself up. I try to stop him, but he ignores me. He leans on me, putting one arm over my shoulders, wrapping the other around his middle, holding his stomach as he grimaces. It’s obvious he’s trying to push himself between me and the other angels.

“Well, this is certainly new,” Raphael grumbles, looking pissed off.

“It’s better than appearing in a vision surrounded by fire,” David says, looking at all the people who are watching him. He preens a bit for the crowd. “That usually scares everyone off.”

“I think it’s just you,” Gabriel says. “People like seeing me.” He starts shaking hands with everyone around him. Rosie looks dumbfounded as purple feathers brush over her face. Nina laughs in unfettered delight.

“What have you done?” Raphael accuses Michael.

Michael snorts. “It wasn’t me. You can trust me on that. Benji did it.”

All their eyes turn to me. “Uh. What did I do?” I ask them nervously.

“Changed the shape of things,” Michael says, though he doesn’t sound upset, just resigned. “Calliel will be the first, but surely others will follow. You are more, Benji, than the sum of your parts.”

“The first what?” Cal asks.

“The first to be given a choice,” Michael says.

“The big guy upstairs must be getting old,” David says, sounding bored. “He’s lost his marbles.”

Gabriel shrugs. “Maybe he just knows something we don’t.”

David rolls his eyes. “I think that’s a given.”

“We don’t have time for this,” Raphael says. “A war is coming. The longer we’re gone, the further behind we get.”

“Patience,” Michael says. “We don’t even know if it will be our war yet to fight.”

“You may have forgotten Metatron,” Raphael snarls at him, “but I haven’t. I know what our brother is capable of. He’s a ruthless bastard who thinks he’s a god. His corruption will soon overflow and spill into the rest of the worlds. You have missed news from the front lines, Michael. The Split One has crossed into Metatron’s field. Even Father himself cannot say what will happen. The timetable has shifted. This is different from all the times that it has happened before. You know it is. Its own Firsts won’t be able to stop It again. The seventh time will be the last.”

“We wait,” Michael says firmly, even as he pales further. “We agreed to wait. To give them all time. But you are right. We must return.”

They all turn to look at Cal and me. The people of Roseland try to crowd in front of us again.

“Calliel,” Michaels says. “You are to be given a choice. You may return to On High and continue to be the guardian angel of Roseland. The people and everyone in the town will be yours as your duty dictates. It is the reason you were made, and these people are your responsibility. Father will be there, as he’s always been.”

“Or?” he asks.

“Or,” Michael says slowly, “you may choose to stay. You will no longer be an angel. You will be human. Your halo and wings will be stripped. You will no longer be able to return to On High. You will age. You will bleed. You will get sick. Eventually, you will die. How you live your life from here on out will determine what happens then. Another angel will be assigned to Roseland, though it won’t be given priority. Our resources are stretched thin as it is. There may be times Roseland will not be guarded, though I know not of Father’s plans for this place during those times.”

“What’s the catch?” I ask even as my heart begins to race. There has to be one. It can’t be that easy.

Michael watches me with shrewd eyes. “Calliel will not be able to speak to our Father for as long as he lives. Even in prayer, even in the quietest moments, our Father will not be there.”

“You bastards,” I whisper. “Oh, you fucking bastards. I’ve already made the choice!”

None of the archangels flinch. “We are tested,” Michael says. “Always. That was yours, to show you could know the true meaning of sacrifice. My Father has seen your heart, Benjamin Green. He has seen it well. Your time is done. This is meant for Calliel.”

I turn to Cal. His eyes are closed, his lips drawn in a thin line. His jaw is tense. My nose rubs his cheek, the red stubble prickling wonderfully against my skin. I know what his Father means to him. I know the way he ached at being cut off from him after he fell from On High. I know the pain he carries with him at the loss of the one who made him. I know better than anyone else. I know because of the choice I almost made sitting next to the river with my own father. I know the feeling of separation. Of loss.

I could beg him to stay. I could whisper in his ear how much I love him. I could plead with my eyes that I am nothing without him. But I can’t. It’s not my choice. I can’t tell him what I want, because it’s not about me. It’s about him. It’s all up to him. I won’t blame him, no matter what decision he makes. His Father means more to him than I ever could. I know because of what Big Eddie is to me. It’s impossible, this choice. It’s improbable.

Part of me wants him to go, just like I said.

There’s another part, though, one that rises within me. Another part that whispers,
Oh, my heart. Oh, my soul. Please stay. Please stay with me. Don’t let me go.

As if he can hear my thoughts, he turns and brushes his lips against mine. An arc of electricity shoots down my spine at the subtle scrape of his mouth. He leans his forehead to mine and opens his dark eyes. They are endless. I try to smile. It doesn’t work.

“If my Father is what I must sacrifice,” the angel Calliel says, “if that is what he asks of me, then so be it. I choose humanity. I choose Roseland. I choose these people.” He kisses me again as a tear slides down my cheek. “I choose you, Benjamin Edward Green. I will always choose you.”

“Are you sure?” I ask, my voice cracking. “Is this what you want? Your Father… you can’t just give that up. It’s not fair. He’s your home. You can’t do this. Just for me. You can’t. I’m not—”

“No,” he breathes. “
This
is my home. These people are my home. This place. And you. Benji, I do it for you, but I do it more for myself. I do it because I can finally make my own choice.” He pulls away from me, and I almost whimper at the loss. He turns to face his brothers. “I choose to stay,” he says, his voice clear and strong. “I choose to stay, for I am home. Father, I am
home
.”

Michael nods tightly. “Brothers,” he commands, “it’s time.”

Cal takes a step away from me, and the crowd around us clears. The archangels surround him, like the corners to a square. Cal bows his head and brings his folded hands to his chest. He closes his eyes and breathes deeply.

The angels hold out their arms toward each other, completing the square. Their wings snap open wide. Halos appear over each of their heads, Cal’s the brightest of all. It glows with such a fierce blue light it takes my breath away. I almost want to stop them, to end this. He’s giving up everything he is. And for what? Me?

You are everything
, my father whispers.
Impossibly, improbably, you are everything. To me. To your mother. To him. I’ve taught you, boy. I’ve taught you true. Now it’s time to stand and accept what is yours. He has made his choice. And you both will be loved for as long as you live and beyond.

Big Eddie is right. He always is. Cal is my responsibility.

And I will cherish him.

I hold myself tall, ignoring the aches and pains, the sweat on my brow. I don’t turn away from the lights growing brighter here in the church. The crowd around me begins to back up again, trying to get some distance from the air that starts to swirl around the five angels. Cal still has his head bowed, and he’s moving his lips. The archangels upturn their heads and close their eyes. “O, Lord,” the archangels say as one, “hear our prayer.”

Everything explodes in vibrant color, as if the church is in a kaleidoscope. Many fall to their knees in veneration. There are tears on almost everyone’s faces, but they’re ones of joy, of rapture. They are witnessing a miracle, here, in our little town, and they cannot look away.

And here, at the end, I show you the humanizing of the guardian angel Calliel.

The roaring wind gets louder, the lights almost impossible to look at given their brightness. Cal drops his hands to his sides and his head falls back. When his eyes open, they’re glowing white, as if he’s alight from within. His wings extend completely and he rises from the ground, his toes dragging against the carpet and then lifting off completely. He continues to rise until he’s level with the stained-glass image of St. Jude Novena. His halo spins impossibly fast. His body is arched so far back it looks painful. His hands and feet fan out, each digit straining.

And then a soft light comes from St. Jude Novena, as if the window itself is emitting the glow. The colors of the stained glass refract and pour out onto Cal as he starts to spasm. The wind whips through my hair as I take a step forward toward the archangels, my eyes never leaving Calliel above me. Someone tries to stop me, tries to pull me back by my hand, but I shake loose and continue forward.

It starts with his wings.

The tips of his wings begin to fall away, like they’re crumbling and turning to a bright azure dust, pulled into the storm that rages inside the church. Cal’s mouth falls open in a silent scream as his wings dissolve further. His halo begins to expand, growing larger and larger until it’s wider around than he is. For a moment, I think the center of the halo will go black, and he’ll be sucked into the black for choosing this world over his Father. I think this whole thing has been God’s great joke upon us, one last punch in the gut before he sends my whole world crashing down.