Into the Flames (Out of the Ashes #2) (6 page)

Memories of last night slam into me.  What the hell had I done?  Drank too much obviously, for one.  Kissed Tyler for two.  I put my head in my hands and hoped that everything would fade.  Oh god, how was I going to
look him in the eyes on Monday? 

And then there was Gavin and his mystery companion.  Now that my head was clear I know I’m right about what I saw.  I saw Ian.  The question of the day is why had Gavin lied about it.  And how much did Ian see?  Wait, why am I worried about what he thinks?  He’s been off with Elizabeth for almost the last month and she’s walking around with a diamond
that causes her hand to drag along the ground.  And here I sit, alone, afraid, and grieving.  Yes, Tyler was a mistake and I will have to talk to him but…  But nothing, I know where my guilt is coming from; I still love Ian.

After a quick shower, I decide it’s best to just get this conversation with Gavin over.  I walk out of my room and he’s sitting on one of the stools at the counter, staring into his coffee cup.  He appears to just be waiting like he knew I would be coming to talk to him. 

“Lauren…”

“Gavin…”  We both speak simultaneously.  “You first.”  I say unable to meet his eyes, both embarrassed and angry.

“Lauren, I was only trying to look out for you.  You have to know that.  Shit, I can’t believe what a mess I’ve made of everything once again.”

What the hell is he talking about?  “Gav, I don’t understand.  But it can’t be that bad. 
I know you are always looking out for me and would never do anything to hurt me.”

“Okay, well just promise you won’t murder me in my sleep later.  Deal, darling?”

“Yes, I can definitely promise you that.”  I replied laughingly.

“Oh god.  Where to even begin?  Last night, while you were at the bar with Tyler, it was Ian I was talking to.  Darling, I’m so sorry.  I know I lied to you but…
He just got back into town. Well, he wanted to check on you and make sure you were alright.  And unfortunately, I pointed you out just as Tyler made his move.”  I groan and put my head in my hands.  Ian saw everything; now on top of all the lies now it looked like I was already moving on.  

I grumble
, “What did he say?  What did he see?”

“Oh, honey, don’t.  H
e knows you love him but it was definitely difficult for him to stand there and watch.  His hands kept twitching and fisting at his sides.  He was having a hard time controlling himself.  He clearly wanted to rip Tyler apart but…  Well, he’s so confused and then to witness all of that even though you did push Tyler away…  He wanted to talk with you.”

At that moment, the door to Gavin’s room closes.  Shit, the poor man is sitting out here fretting over me when Brett is in his room waiting for him.  I didn’t know I could feel
shittier in this moment.  “Gav, we can talk later.  I don’t want to keep you from Brett.”

Gavin gives me a confused look as I turn to greet Brett.

“Good morning, Bre…”  The words die on my lips.  I want to jump from my seat but fear holds me firmly in place.  I look again to Gavin not sure what to say or do.

“Please don’t be mad at me.”  His voice barely even a whisper.  He picks up his coffee and heads back to his room, leaving me alone to face my fear.  I need my rock, how could he walk out on me in this moment? My mouth hangs open and I don’t even know what to say or where to begin.  Slowly I ra
ise my gaze to meet his.  He hasn’t taken his eyes off me since he walked in the room but he also made no move to come any closer.  The separation is killing me.  I jump so suddenly from my stool that it topples over backward.  What a time to be clumsy!  I right the chair and pick up my mug.  Gesturing to the sofa, I move to sit over there.  He follows; his countenance is desolate.  

If it hadn’t been for the sensations that he still stirred in me
, I would have hardly recognized him.  His features are downcast, he’s lost weight and doesn’t carry himself with the same pride that he once did.  I don’t know whether to hold him or turn away and weep.   I want to tell him that I love him, to lay everything at his feet and beg for him to take me into his arms.  This seems almost a dream for him to be sitting in my living room, so close and yet so far away.  He makes no move to speak either.  Neither of us able to find the words to bring us back to the beginning or even a place where we can start again. 

My heart is overjoyed at the sight of him but my mind is consumed with what I have put him through, with what he must think of me now and in the very back I still see that picture of Elizabeth and her giant diamond clad finger.  Would it be so easy for him to move on?  I don’t want to believe it but I know I hurt him with my lies.

He is the first to break the silence.  “Celeste?”  My name falls like a question from his lips.  “I’m sorry I suppose I should call you Lauren.”  I don’t want to read into his tone but it’s hard to mistake the sarcasm. 

He sits near me but keeps enough space between us that we aren’t touching. 
His demeanor is cool at best.  “Ian,” I begin, “if you don’t want to do this I understand.  You don’t have to say anything.  We don’t have to do this.  Really I understand how difficult this must be for you.”  I can’t bring myself to look at him so I just stare straight ahead. 

Ian takes a deep breath and before I even realize he’s moved, my hand is in his and his thigh brushes mine.  He brings his nose to my hair and inhales deeply.  My eyes close in pleasure.  It’s all I can do to suppress the moan that rises up in the back of my throat.  “I’ve missed you so much.”  His whispered words crack with emotion.  “Do you have any idea…  No, of course you don’t.  I know it looks as if I abandoned you just when you need
ed me the most.”  Yes, he hit the nail on the head with that one.  Because while I understand his need to process everything in his own time, the last few weeks I needed his support the most.  I reflect again on the time we lost.  Was this the destiny for our relationship, to come so close and then to have one or the other of us pull away?  I don’t think I can deal with the consequences of the back and forth any longer. 

“Ian, I’m so sorry.  I didn’t mean to hurt you or lie to you.  You must understand.  I couldn’t let anyone know.  I couldn’t risk him finding me.  Though in the end it appears that it was all for naught.  I’m sorry.  I really wanted to tell you.  You have to know that.  That night, I tried, I wanted to…  I was going to tell you.  Please you have to believe me.”

“Cele… Sorry, Lauren.  God, it’s going to take some time to get used to calling you that.  Do you have any idea how much I wanted you the first time I saw you?  The first time we met, I mean the very first time.  When you came upstate with your father?”  A small smile played on his lips and I couldn’t help but return it.  “You couldn’t have been more than 17 or 18 at the time.  It was only one meeting and fairly brief.  I think you waited in the lobby for William to finish a meeting with my dad and I and then we all went to lunch and that was it.”

“I will never forget that day as long as I live.”

“That day all I could think of was taking you back my apartment and stripping you out of that sweet skirt and blouse you had on.  I wanted to see what was underneath but more than that, I was captivated by you.  I had to keep reminding myself that I had a fiancé at home waiting for me and to top it all off, you probably weren’t even legal.” 

I giggled at the last.  “I was eighteen I’ll have you know.”

I remembered that day all too well.   During our separation, I thought about it many times, maybe too much, constantly wondering what if.   So many things could have happened to bring us together then.  Life would have been so different for both of us.  Would we be happily married with children right now?  Would we have dated a while and then moved on from each other?  So many thoughts spinning around in my head but all of them meant nothing without him.

“Of course I do.  I thought you were so hot.  I hadn’t ever felt feelings like that before.  I couldn’t even describe how I felt.  I was hot and tingly all over.”  Okay talking about that day is doing nothing to help this situation.  Now I am hot and bothered in a whole other way and that
’s also doing nothing to help our situation.   Maybe he’s better off without me.  At least without me, he won’t be in danger and he’ll be able to find happiness with someone who won’t keep things from him and lie to him.  “There was a pull toward you that I couldn’t explain.  Still can’t.  I know I should let you go but I can’t.  I know you would be happier with her, safer with her and I should just walk away.  But I love you.  And I will do whatever it takes to bring you back to me.”

Maybe I should’
ve stopped myself sooner, before I spilled my guts completely but he deserves to know.  And I need to know what I’m up against.  If he asked me to, told me he loved her and wanted to be with her, I knew it would be hard but I would walk away.  His happiness is more important than my own and I would do anything to make him happy and keep him safe even if that meant hurting myself.

“Ian, I’m so confused.  Please.  I just have to know
, do you love her?  I don’t blame you if you do but I need to know.”

His eyes cloud with confu
sion then clear as realization that I know all about the other woman in Florida dawns.  So it’s true then.  He’s moved on.  He keeps his fingers entwined with mine as his eyes looks into the depths of my soul.

“The woman, in Florida, Elizabeth Burke.  Do you love her?”
  I try to clarify though surely he knows what I’m talking about.  I would say just about anything right now to get him to respond.  I need him to tell me what this means for me, what this means for us. 

He
really doesn’t owe me anything other than a goodbye if this is what he wants.  He doesn’t have to explain.  I said I understood and I do.  I don’t blame him.  But apparently I have a sadistic side of my own and I enjoy inflicting pain upon myself  because I can’t let him go without knowing the answer even though it will torture me for the rest of my life.

“I didn’t think you had seen those pictures.  Gavin never mentioned it to me.”

“Yeah, well, I…  um… I might have set up Google alerts on you.  I needed to make sure you were okay,” I say trying to explain away my stalker tendencies.  My head is spinning and my emotions are overwhelming me.  One minute I feel like I’ll do whatever he needs to make him happy even let him go and the next I feel like I’ll suffocate if he leaves me again.  This can’t be healthy.  “So what is she to you?  Are you here just to leave me again?  Honestly, if that’s the case I almost wish you hadn’t come back at all.  I thought I could listen to you and have you tell me that you didn’t want me anymore.  That it would make it easier but now I see it will only be harder.  I deserve every bit of your anger and resentment though, I do.  So just tell me so we can move on.”  I lower my head and pull my hand from his into my lap.  I never wanted to be here.  I just wanted Ian, for all my life but too many things happened and too much time had passed.  I’m scared but it’s better to know now.

He runs his hands through his hair before turning to look at me.  “I know it’s wrong but honestly
, I was hoping to bypass this part of the conversation since Gavin hadn’t mentioned that you’d seen them but… I guess I’ll have to explain everything.” 

My chest constricts.  No, I won’t do this
, not here in front of him.  He will not get to see how badly he’s breaking me.  I will be strong.  I refuse to panic; these feelings cannot steal my breath.  I’m strong now, strong enough to stand up to Dean, strong enough to handle this.  The tension eases some with my pep talk as he continues.  “Elizabeth and I have known each for a long time.  We met in college actually, though I was already dating Rebecca then.  And as you know, I’ve worked with her father on several deals.  The development in Florida is at a critical phase, and well, I needed a break, time to think after everything…” His voice trails off but the hurt is clear.  “So I decided to spend some time down there getting things wrapped up with the developer and some realtors were interested in showing a couple of models. 

Anyway, w
hile in Florida, I went to see Holden to get his take on the development and discuss some other projects coming up that he would like to work on with me. Elizabeth was at the office when I got there.  She’s working in management for him now.  We grabbed a quick lunch to catch up.  And then since she knew I was staying for a little while she asked if I would accompany her to an event that weekend, which led to another event and being that we’re friends, while I was there, we had a lunch a few times.  Of course she was at the dinner with Holden and the developers.  The press had a field day with it, making us into the perfect couple.  I don’t know how else to say this but to just come out with it.”  I gulp for air preparing for the blow that’s coming.  He has no idea that what he’s about to say will hurt me more than any punch Dean could ever deliver.  “Breathe Lauren.  It isn’t what you think.  I can tell from the look on your face that your mind has run away on this. Sweetheart,” his voice softens, “how many times do I have to tell you?  The only person in this world for me is you.  There’s nothing between Elizabeth and I, other than a couple friends having lunch.  I know what the press made it look like and that’s why I hoped you hadn’t seen the pictures.”

“But Ian, I did see them.  I know what you look like in love.  I know what I saw and it was definitely the real thing.”