Insomnia (23 page)

There was a knock on my door, and I opened it. The worry lines on my mom’s face were too painful to look at, so I wrapped one arm around her and pulled her into a hug. She relaxed against me and laughed.

“Thank God,” was all she said. Her relief made me want to smile and scream at the same time.

“I love you, Mom.”

“I know, honey. I love you too.” She sighed. “Everything is going to be okay.”

Mom patted my back with her hand and I felt about five again. Somehow, I knew she was right. For those I loved, I would fix things—the only way I knew how. I would tell them why I had to leave. How I felt about them. How sorry I was.

I would tell them the truth.

thirty

I
stayed up late writing the letters. There were four in all: Mom, Finn, Addie, and Mia. The first three told them how important they were to me and my reasons for leaving, and the one for Mia was an apology that didn’t even begin to make up for what I’d done to her.

I was emotionally drained but not tired when I finished. Mom had gone to bed hours earlier, and I couldn’t help but smile at the thought that her dreams should be happy tonight. She deserved that—one night of happiness before I destroyed her by running away. I hoped once she read the letter it would help, but I wasn’t going to lie to myself. She would never be the same again, and it would be my fault.

The kitchen was quiet as I grabbed a drink from the fridge. I pretended not to hear his voice the first time he spoke, but Darkness was nothing if not persistent.

He laughed. “You forget. I’m in your head. I know you can hear me.”

I drew in a deep breath and turned to face him. “Hearing and listening aren’t the same thing.”

He was leaning against the wall on the other side of the kitchen. I hated how confident and relaxed he looked.

Darkness—dreams of complete control.

His grin turned to a scowl at my words. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Somewhere else.” I rolled my head back and forth on my neck. Just like Darkness, the knots never seemed to go completely away.

“Really?” His eyes glinted. “You should know there is nowhere you can run that is far enough to escape me.”

“I’m not running from you.” I glanced at the letters I still gripped in one hand. “I’m running from them.”

“Who do you think you’re kidding? You think leaving this town will help? You use freaking dental floss to keep track of me, but you still don’t have a clue what I’ve been doing.” His fists were curled up by his sides and he seemed ready to pounce. “You’re so stubborn, so sure you’re right about everything. Maybe if you’d just relax and hand over control for more than five minutes, I could keep us alive.”

I locked eyes with him, struggling to keep my voice steady. “That will never happen.”

“Eventually I won’t need your permission.” Darkness stepp-
ed around the corner toward me, his entire frame shaking with anger. “And next time, you can count on the fact that I’ll go farther than some stupid girl’s backyard.”

I blinked and he was gone. I pushed my palms against my eyes, letting out a huge breath. At least I now knew he hadn’t gotten very far when he took over. Of course, with the damage he’d done just by writing a few e-mails, I didn’t feel very reassured.

The counter before me had row upon row of messages with my name on them. Most were from Addie and Finn. I couldn’t say goodbye to them. Maybe I was a coward, but they were the only ones who knew enough to talk me out of going.

And I cared too much about them to let that happen.

My muscles were all kinked from my writing session. I flicked my right wrist back and forth. Glancing back at the messages, a green one from Jeff caught my attention. I picked it up. It was from a few days ago. He’d scheduled a captains meeting for the soccer teams on Tuesday morning—tomorrow. If I didn’t come, the team was planning to make Matt the co-captain instead.
Final Warning
was written along the top in Mom’s curly handwriting.

Interesting that she’d never mentioned the message. She probably didn’t want to stress me out. That didn’t matter now, but … it said
teams
… that meant Mia would be there too.

Something inside me had balked at the idea of leaving without apologizing to Mia face-to-face. I wanted to tell her she wouldn’t have to be afraid anymore, that once I was gone, she’d be safe. I hesitated. What was wrong? Was it me, or Darkness? I stared at the green paper for a few minutes, but I didn’t feel that sinister pull I had so many times before. I nodded. This time, it would be okay.

School was still out for fall break, so no one would be at school except us. Jeff had unlimited access to Coach Mahoney’s keys, and it would be the perfect opportunity to give Mia her letter, say I was sorry, and then leave—no risk of running into Finn or Addie, either. They would all be safe, and I would be far away. Maybe I could even tell Jeff I was sorry for being the worst, most unreliable co-captain ever. At least he wouldn’t have to share that spotlight anymore.

I started to formulate my plan. Tomorrow morning, I would convince Mom to go back to work. Then I’d make sure the letters got where I needed them to go while still giving myself time to get as far as possible before Mom even knew I was gone. It was better this way; the sooner I left, the less time I had to change my mind.

My backpack was all I could take. I didn’t have a car anymore, since the accident, and someone would probably notice me lugging my suitcase around. Dumping all my school stuff out, I started with the letters, tucking Mia’s envelope carefully in an outside pocket. I placed the rest on my desk. I’d have to leave them on the counter for Mom and ask her to deliver them for me. Inside these small white rectangles was everything I would leave behind for the people I cared about the most. My life and reputation sealed neatly in an envelope.

“Are you sure?” Mom frowned and shifted her weight from one pink slipper to the other. I’d bought her those for Mother’s Day. It gave me an uneasy feeling knowing they would probably be the last gift she ever got from me.

“Positive.” I put my hands on her shoulders and turned her toward her closet. “You’ve stayed home for days. Your clients are probably homeless now because of me.”

“They’re fine.” She laughed but stopped resisting. “Are you sure there isn’t anything you need me here for? I can really stay home.”

“For the seventy-fifth time, yes, I’m sure.” I grabbed her cell phone off the nightstand and placed it in her hand. “And if there is, I can call you.”

Mom glanced at the phone and nodded before turning back toward the closet. “There’s no school today. Will you at least have Finn come over and stay with you?”

I shook my head without even thinking, and she sighed.

“You two aren’t fighting again, are you? He and Addie both seem really worried about you.”

Their worry felt like a punch to the gut. “I don’t need a babysitter. My head hurts and I want to sleep today. I’ll invite them both over later tonight after I get some more rest, okay?”

Mom nodded and grabbed an outfit out of the closet. “I’m sure that will make them feel better.”

“I’m going to make breakfast.”

She dropped the clothes on the bed and stepped toward me. “Oh, why don’t you let me do that before I go?”

The exasperated sigh that gushed out of my mouth was followed by instant guilt. She only wanted to take care of me, and I was about to rob her of the ability to ever do that again.

“Okay … thanks.” I smiled and followed her back to the kitchen.

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had pancakes. It wasn’t that I was pancake-deprived, but it’d never been memorable before, I guess. This time would be branded on my mind forever. Mom joked and laughed about how much syrup I used, and the way they melted in my mouth made me smile. The essence of the happiness I would leave behind—the opposite of where I planned to go.

My experience on the city bus was just the reverse, smelling like tar and garbage. My backpack was so full and heavy it felt ready to explode. I couldn’t fit it under a seat, and I kept hitting people with it when I stood. Everyone around me was hostile and angry. I missed my car.

I couldn’t have taken it with me anyway. I’d seen enough fugitive TV shows to know cars were easy to track. After I left school, I’d head to the bank to withdraw the money from my savings account. Mom and I had been putting money in it for college. Mostly Mom, but I’d put in a little from lawn mowing every summer since I was ten. It wasn’t enough to last forever, but it would get me by for a little while.

After that would be the truck stop. Dad told me once that it was the best place to start a new life. Ever since he disappeared, that idea had stuck with me. If that’s where he started, I would start there too.

He used to talk about Arizona a lot. How the caves were cool during the day, and, with the right supplies, warm enough to survive at night. I wasn’t sure when I’d decided to look for him, but it just felt like the right thing to do. Maybe he had the answers I needed. Maybe he wasn’t even there. If not, at least there wouldn’t be as many people around to hurt, in the desert.

I wondered how many hours it would be before Mom found my letters. They were so stark against the dark-green countertop. They looked almost clean … but I knew what they held was anything but. Better that she knew why I was leaving, that it had nothing to do with her; yet that didn’t mean it wouldn’t be painful.

After two stops, the bus pulled over at the corner near the high school and I got out, ignoring the grunts from the people I accidentally hit with my backpack as I passed. The school looked deserted, but I knew the door by the gym would be unlocked for the meeting.

Jeff always held his meetings in the shop room. I listened for voices, but I couldn’t hear anything. I was a little late, as always, but I didn’t care. It’s not like I came to plan game strategy. A million different ways to apologize to Mia tumbled through my head as I stepped into the room. Then everything fell away.

Mia sat on the floor in the corner, wearing dark blue jeans and a pink T-shirt, her arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders. Flames flickered in the wastebasket in front of her, and her eyes spilled terror as she focused on the blaze. A stream of blood dripped from a nasty gash near her temple, down her cheek.

No, no, no—this is not happening
, my brain screamed. I took a step back from the nightmare in front of me. It was impossible. How could Darkness have done this? I’d missed no time this morning.

It didn’t matter. I wasn’t Darkness right now—I would help her.

I took one hesitant step forward and something slammed into my head, crushing my skull until I could see nothing at all.

thirty-one

Before any sound came the pain, like someone had hit the back of my head with an axe and then left it there, embedded in my brain. Noise only made things worse. Every word, every breath, every cough sliced through the back of my head instead of taking the normal path through my ears. I couldn’t make out any specific words, only the sharp throbbing.

The smell of smoke invaded my nose and I remembered Mia in the shop room. What happened? Did Darkness take over again? No, that wouldn’t be this painful. I tried to open my eyes, but they weren’t ready to cooperate. I could tell I was upright, and the seat I was in felt worn and familiar; it felt like one of the bright orange chairs we sat in for shop class. My hands—my hands were tied behind me.

I couldn’t have done that. Darkness wouldn’t have done that. Someone else was here.

I forced my eyes open, trying to see the piece missing from the puzzle around me. I blinked a few times until my vision focused. The only thing I could see was Jeff’s light hair and the back of his jersey as he knelt before Mia.

“Jeff?” I coughed and pain shot through my head. “Help her.”

He turned from Mia, and the grin on his face seemed bizarrely out of place. It was more than happy—it was victorious. The shock hit me as I looked at the scene from her nightmares and realized the truth.

Darkness wasn’t the stalker.
Jeff was.

I hadn’t lost control, at least nowhere near as much as I’d thought.

Relief washed over me, just long enough for me to realize I now had something to live for.

“How? What … what are you doing?”

“Enjoying myself.” He remained crouched, but turned his whole body toward me. I leaned back out of instinct; he looked like an animal ready to pounce.

I needed to slow him down, make him talk … and buy myself some time to think. “I don’t understand.”

“Such a fool.” Jeff got to his feet and sneered. “You still haven’t figured it out?”

I recognized his emotions immediately: hatred and disdain. He oozed smugness and power. He was feeding off my stupidity, Mia’s fear, and loving every second of it. I didn’t know who this guy was—what had happened to my old friend? But my instinct told me to keep feeding him what he wanted, to play dumb and let him revel.

“Figured out what?” I let my legs tremble in spite of the piercing vibration it created in my head.

Shaking his head in disgust, Jeff turned and stoked the fire. A few embers flew up and Mia whimpered. “See, Mia? It’s like I told you. You don’t want someone that stupid.”

No one spoke for a moment. The only sound was the crackling fire as I struggled silently against the ropes tying my wrists together.

“It’s okay, though. We’ll be together, and then you will be gone … and so will he.”

My whole body went cold at his words and I stopped struggling for a moment. “Where, exactly, are we going?”

Jeff stood with a smile and pivoted slowly to face me. “Depends. Do you want to know what the police will think happened, or the truth?”

“Let’s start with the truth.”

“Well, I get to do whatever I want with you and Mia before you both die.”

“Die?” I swallowed, and Mia curled deeper into a ball in the corner.

“Of course, it won’t be that hard to believe you’re a stalker
and
a killer after the way you’ve been acting.” He walked closer to me and I stopped fighting against the ropes.

“A killer?” I stared into his eyes. The inhuman coldness I saw there was terrifying.

“Of course—Mia’s killer. I tried for a while to get her to turn you in for the way you were acting, but she wouldn’t. I th
ink it’s better this way, actually … at least for me it is.”

Jeff laughed and slammed his fist into my gut. “She fought you—she’s very strong—but in the end, you overpowered her.”

I doubled over, trying to make my breath come back as the pain ripped through to my spine. Gasping in air, I stared at Mia, but she didn’t move a muscle. She was practically catatonic. Her eyes were trained permanently on the flames before her, barely blinking. I could see from her arms and legs that she wasn’t tied up. Only the fire kept her prisoner.

Jeff followed my gaze and his face hardened. He wrapped one hand around my throat and lifted my face to his.

“Don’t look at her!” he screamed as he tightened his grasp, blocking my airway. “Never look at her!”

Releasing me, he walked away, his fury cooling instantly and his crazy rage replaced by a knowing smile. “Don’t you know that’s what got you in trouble to begin with?” His fists hung by his sides as he backed away from me. “If you’d left her alone in the first place, then she wouldn’t have been so distracted. She would have paid attention to me. Everyone would have paid attention to me. And none of this would have happened. Of course, with you here now—this is even better.”

“I don’t understand.” The rope binding my hands to-gether wasn’t budging. I stopped and tried to think of another plan as I waited for Jeff’s response.

“Oh.” His eyes were wide, his voice condescending. “Let me help you understand, then. By the time I finish with you, you’ll wish you’d died in your sleep like her freak therapist.”

“Dr. Freeburg?” I asked, my mind whirling.

“Yes, Freaky Freeburg. If he hadn’t died, he’d be the one here. You should’ve seen the way he touched her. It
was disgusting. As if she could be interested in an old fart like him.” Jeff’s eyes filled with fury. “Then there was you, following her around and watching her all the time. Neither of you could respect what was mine. But now you will. Today, I’ll help Mia realize I’m what she wants.”

He turned his back on me and moved the flaming metal garbage can closer to Mia. A small cry escaped her lips and she pushed her body farther into the corner. “No one ignores me, Mia. No one.”

Jeff spun toward me, his eyes hard and angry. “This is my school. And you don’t get to share my glory. I made our team a winning one. Not you. I turned soccer from a sport into a lifestyle. Not you. Mia is mine, and you can both burn in hell if you think I’m going to let you have her.” Then he gave a crazy laugh and pointed to the flame. “Burn, get it?”

“Did Thor help you with all this?” I had to keep him distracted. Every time he met my eyes, I saw it. That desire to kill, to cause pain. I needed to keep him focused on gloating over his victory. I had to keep him away from Mia.

“Thor? You think that moron has the brains to pull off something like this?” His laugh was ice cold. “He’s my permanent alibi. He already kept me from getting in trouble when Liv and that other whore started yelling rape, and he’ll keep me from getting blamed for this.”

I coughed. “Rape?” Liv … the fear I’d seen in her eyes in the hallway. She hadn’t been afraid of me—she’d been afraid of Jeff.

His eyes glinted in the light of the fire. “They wanted it.” A sneer twisted his lips and his eyes looked wild. “Just like Mia will.”

Turning, he walked toward her. “You want it, don’t you, Mia?” He grabbed a paper from a nearby table and lit the corner. He knelt before her and touched the flame to her calf. I fought the rope that bound my hands as she screamed.

“Stop it!” I yelled as loudly as I could, trying to draw his attention back to me.

“Don’t tell me what to do. Never tell me what to do!” Whirling, he dropped the paper in the trash. In an instant he was on me, hitting me over and over. My world filled with the metallic taste and smell of blood.

Time passed through a haze as I tried to make my brain refocus. Whether from the hour or the worsening storm, the light coming through the high windows was dimmer than when I’d arrived. Snow fell outside—that much I could tell. It was hard to remember what had happened, though—hard to remember anything. Jeff added a piece of wood to the garbage can, and then he sat beside Mia and ran his fingers down her hair.

He turned to face me, his expression hard, cruel. “I downloaded this neat little tracking program to tell me when someone logs into my account from another computer. I noticed you finally accessed my e-mail. It took you long enough. That was pretty much genius, don’t you think?”

I met his eyes and tried to nod, but my head refused to obey and fell to one side.

“You’re an easy target, Parker. Always so trusting.” Hat-
red filled his eyes, but his mouth twisted into a smug smile. “You really should’ve taken those password security recommendations more seriously.”

I remembered that Jeff had sat next to me in computer lab last year. He must have seen my password back then, and I’d never seen any point in changing it. He was right—I’d been a fool. I’d accepted the fact that I was guilty of everything and stopped searching for the real threat.

I’d made a mistake, but I’d be damned if I was going to let Mia die because of it.

“Of course, I considered using your real e-mail, but I couldn’t risk you finding out too early and ruining all the fun.” Jeff laughed, sat on the floor beside Mia, and held her hand in his. She was helpless, and he was psycho. It made me furious, and the instant he glanced my way, he could see it.

“You know she isn’t yours now.” His eyes flashed with arrogance and fury.

“She was never mine,” I growled out between my bloody teeth as Jeff ran his hand up her arm. “But she isn’t yours either.”

“Yes she is.” His head whipped back around to face me. “Her hands aren’t tied, but is she telling me to stop?”

He was staring at me like he seriously expected an answer. I opened my mouth but nothing would come out.

“I can do anything to her.” He moved his hand to her opposite cheek and lifted her hair away from her ear. “I can touch her and kiss her.” He nibbled on her ear for a moment and then bit her until a few drops of blood came out and she flinched. “I can hurt her. Anything I want and she will let me. That’s how I know she’s really mine.”

My hands gripped each other so tightly behind me I thought I might pull something, but I didn’t say a word. I kept my face neutral. I wasn’t going to play into his twisted thrills.

Mia’s whole body shook as Jeff kissed her neck. He pulled the neck of her T-shirt down, his hair falling around his face as he kissed her shoulder. She might not have been saying no with her voice, but her body was screaming it. It horrified me, but I didn’t let it show. I couldn’t—not now, not when she needed me most.

“Whatever, man.” I shrugged. Everything felt a little clearer; my brain was responding faster with every minute he wasn’t attacking me. “You’re sick, but she’s not my problem. Do whatever you want with her.”

Jeff raised his head and stared at me. Something about my statement seemed to make him unreasonably angry. “What do you mean? I’ve seen you following her. You want her too. I’ve
seen
it.”

“I did at first.” I met his eyes and didn’t even glance at Mia. “But I was just curious. I haven’t even seen her in weeks. She’s exactly like every other girl.”

“You haven’t seen her because you were in the hospital. Do you think I’m stupid?” He snarled and stood up. “Freeburg thought I was stupid.” He paced around the room, his motions tight and rigid like a furious robot. “He was like you. Both of you, staring. She didn’t want you or Freeburg. Mia didn’t want you. You were just a distraction. Distracting everyone from me.”

Staring at the snow out the window, he muttered, “Like Mom, always distracted from me, no one notices. But not now. Not this time.”

He spun to face me as though just noticing I was there again. “You love her, and you kept her from me. Don’t lie. I don’t like liars.” He grabbed a chisel from a nearby workbench and lifted it as he walked toward me. His eyes were glazed over and focused at the same time—I saw a need for violence in them that I never could have imagined.

“Okay, I lied,” I shouted as he closed in. “I love her.”

He froze and dropped his arm. Peace filled his expression and he grinned. “I knew this would be fun.”

In the silence, we heard a door slam somewhere in the school. The wind picked up outside. I could hear it whistling through the walls—maybe a gust had closed the door. Jeff placed one finger to his lips and held his chisel up again. I nodded and he slipped out of the room.

Now was my chance. It might be the only one I would get.

I sawed my wrists back and forth; they were raw and bleeding from my efforts, but the rope still wouldn’t give. My legs weren’t tied down. Maybe if I caught him off guard I could kick him.

I glanced at Mia. Her shirt was crooked, her shoulder still exposed. But she didn’t even seem to notice. Her eyes were glued to the fire still crackling in the trash can. Why hadn’t the fire alarm gone off? Looking around, I saw the smoke detector hanging useless on the ceiling. A window at the top of the wall, above Mia’s head, was open, and most of the smoke was escaping there.

I inhaled the stinging, hazy air. I needed to get through to Mia. It was our only hope.

“Mia.” She jerked at the sound of my voice but didn’t lift her eyes from the flames. “Mia, I know you’re scared, but I won’t let the fire hurt you.”

No response for 1 … 2 … 3 … Then a slight shake of her head. She could hear me.

“I won’t let the fire hurt you like it did your parents.” I could hear something in the distance—a shout and then silence. “You have to trust me, Mia. I won’t hurt you.”

Mia stopped shaking and took a deep breath, but she still couldn’t drag her eyes away. Behind the silence of her response, a weird shuffling sound came up the hallway.

“I’ll do everything I can to help you, like in your dreams. But you have to let me.”

Mia’s eyes flitted to mine for a moment and I thought I caught a slight nod, but then she glanced at the door behind me and her eyes went straight back to the flames. I hoped it would be enough.