Insomnia (14 page)

Addie sighed and bent her head over the dashboard. “You really came to the wrong person.”

My gut fell to my feet. “Why?”

“Ever since that day she came over and you were there, Mia won’t talk to me about the e-mails. I mean, she tells me if she got one, but if I ask what it says or if she still thinks it’s from you, she totally freaks. Literally has a panic attack—she shakes her head and starts breathing really fast. Then she bolts. After three reactions like that … ” Addie shrugged. “I stopped asking.”

My body slumped against the back seat as one more weight landed on the thousand already there. Sure, Addie believed me, but it wasn’t going to help after all. Every time I got close to an answer—to things getting better—someone built a huge rock wall right between me and the finish line.

I was getting really tired of running into rock walls.

Glancing up, I saw Addie and Finn both leaning over the front seat, watching me. They looked sad … and scared.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“It’s okay. We’ll just have to think of another way.” I closed my eyelids tight, then opened them again. “I’ll watch her dreams again—see if I can get any more clues.”

“No, bad idea.” Finn shook his head. “You don’t want to go through that again, man.”

“Go through what?” Addie glanced at me, but I shook my head and looked out the window at the park. I couldn’t tell anyone about the nightmare again. Reliving it in my own head was bad enough.

“Mia had a nightmare about the guy who’s threatening her. Parker was the bad guy in Mia’s mind. Not fun to watch yourself being all evil, you know?”

Addie winced.

“Are you sure we can’t just figure it out? Is there anyone you think could be sending the e-mails?” Finn asked, tugging on his ear again.

“No, I have no idea.” I shifted my weight uncomfortably on the seat.

“What about Thor?” Finn turned back to face me, his expression hopeful. “He’s crazy, has anger issues, and hasn’t he been pretty weird about Mia?”

“He scares pretty much everyone without even trying.” Addie nodded at Finn. “It could be him.”

“Plus, he seems to enjoy it.” Finn rummaged around in his backpack.

I shrugged. “Maybe, but I think he’s only involved be-cause she’s Jeff’s foster sister. He doesn’t seem all that interested in Mia unless he’s trying to keep me away from her, and we all agree that’s pretty justified.”

“So, let’s start with a list of suspects.” Finn fished a pen and paper out of his bag.

Addie covered her mouth and tried not to laugh.

“What?” Finn looked up. “I’ve played Clue.”

I shrugged. “Go for it.”

“We should include every guy we’ve seen her with.” Finn scribbled
Thor
on the paper and
Jeff
underneath it.

“There is some guy that knows her from work at the mall. Chad.” It felt lame, but it was the only other person I could come up with. Finn scribbled the name on the list and looked back up expectantly.

It was quiet a minute, and Addie sighed. “It’s hard to imagine anyone we know doing something so terrible. But it doesn’t even have to be someone we know. It could be someone from her old school.” She leaned her head back against the seat and groaned. “I wish she would just talk to me.”

“I’ll find a way to watch her dreams. It doesn’t matter if it’s hard on me,” I said, even though my stomach told me it did—a lot. “If that’s the only way to get any clues, I’ll do it.
She needs our help.”

Neither of them argued. They simply watched me. I knew they wanted to help, but I was the only one who could really do anything. Besides, they were already helping more than they knew. It was nice just knowing they believed me.

There was no choice anymore. The only chance I had to make up for what I’d done to Mia was to save her. Even if it killed me, I’d make sure she wasn’t in any real danger. Besides, I’d always known I wouldn’t be able to live like this forever. I might as well do something worthwhile on the way out.

“I can keep trying to convince Mia to talk, or at least to show me the letters.” Addie’s voice sounded small.

I leaned forward. “Yeah, but don’t freak her out too bad. She needs a friend.”

Addie nodded, looking helpless. “I think I could at least make the eye contact thing easier.” She looked so soft and sad it made me ache with a need to fix it.

“Maybe I can try what I did with you and see if I can get through to her in the nightmares,” I said. “That might work.” I tried to sound optimistic, even though my history with Addie was perhaps what made it possible.

With Mia, I was simply her nightmare brought to life.

eighteen

“Just a little farther.” Addie’s eyes sparkled as she tugged on my hand again. I didn’t think I had the energy to move as fast as she wanted me to. But she didn’t stop until we got to the back door of the nurse’s office.

When we walked through the door, Mrs. Allison stood up from behind the desk. Her hair was like a fluffy brown football helmet but she had a kind face. “Hello, Addie.” She glanced at me with concern. “Oh, dear, you don’t look like you’re feeling very well, do you?”

I glanced at Addie quickly, then back to the nurse. “No. I guess not.”

“Parker’s been having a hard time with um—headaches lately. He has free study this period, and I wondered if he could use one of the empty sick rooms to study. All the other students make it hard for him to concentrate in study hall.” Addie glanced at me and gave me a little nod.

“Oh, yeah, migraines actually.” I raised one hand and rubbed the back of my neck. “It’s so hard to focus in there.”

“You poor thing.” Mrs. Allison placed the back of one hand across my forehead. After a moment she nodded. “Those migraines can make life terrible, can’t they?” I nodded as she sat back in her chair. “Addie, be a dear and show him to the back sick room. It’s mostly used for storage anyway.”

“No problem.” Addie practically bounced as she led me down the quiet hall to a room half full of boxes. She walked inside, dropped her backpack, and stacked some of the boxes against the far wall.

“Addie”—I dropped my bag and started helping her—“why do I need to study here?”

“You don’t.” She flashed me a wide, beautiful smile and stacked another box against the wall.

“Oh.” My mind went blank. I had no idea what to say. When she was so close, I couldn’t think straight.

“Excellent response.” Addie laughed and turned her attention back to the boxes. She didn’t seem to want to tell me what her plan was until she finished reorganizing, so I relaxed and followed her lead. Within a few minutes the room was straightened and I sat on the cot in the corner, confused.

Addie pushed the door closed behind her and came to sit beside me on the bed. I was uncomfortably aware of how good she smelled and the way her leg was resting against mine. I didn’t know why, but that’s all my brain seemed capable of focusing on. She smelled fresh, like soap and orange juice. The smell of her soaked up anything useful in my head and turned it into a sponge. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

“That’s exactly what I was thinking.”

My eyes flew open and I stared. There’s no way she was thinking what I was thinking.

“It is?”

“Or maybe not?” Her brow furrowed, and she continued. “This will be good, right?”

I nodded before I could even stop myself. “Probably?”

Addie tilted her head to one side and tugged on a strand of her hair. The corner of her mouth curved up. “You don’t have a clue what I’m talking about, do you?”

“Not even a little bit.” I grinned and shrugged. “But this is very entertaining.”

She giggled. “For you to get some extra rest?” She spread out her hands and patted the cot we were sitting on.

“Oh.” In the quiet, I looked around at the windowless room. It wasn’t like I hadn’t tried to rest during study hall before, but the only benefit of sleeping the way I did was to have some peace for my brain. With all the talking and goofing off going on in study hall, it didn’t work. In here, it was quiet. It was genius.
She
was a genius.

She bit her lip and glanced from my eyes to the pillow behind me.

“It’s perfect, Addie.” I wrapped one arm around her and squeezed her close to me.

“Good.” She relaxed against my body and put one arm behind my back. “I wanted to help you somehow.”

How could she not know how much she’d helped me already? I reached out, put my finger under her chin, and raised it until I could see her eyes.

“Thank you … for everything.”

Her eyes and lips were so close I could feel her breath against my skin. I cleared my throat and let go of her chin, but she didn’t move. There was a playful glint in her eyes, like she was teasing me, tempting me to just do it.

“You.” She winked with a soft smile. “Are welcome.”

I wanted so badly to lean in to her, to feel her soft lips on mine. But I couldn’t. The last thing I needed right now was another complication, or to make Finn mad at me again.

Lying back against the pillow, I propped my legs across her lap. She was trapped. “So, is this the one that Jeff uses? Should we get some sanitizer?”

She laughed and leaned her forehead against my leg. “Yes, it’s this one, but don’t worry. I came in here with a bottle of bleach my first day as an aide. Nobody wants
that
in their sick room.”

“Such excellent service.” I fluffed my pillow and grinned up at her.

Her voice sounded sad when she spoke again a moment later. “Do you really think we can find out who is after Mia? Can we really help her?”

I didn’t know what to say. Comforting Addie would be easy, but I didn’t want to lie anymore. “I don’t know. But I promise I’ll do everything I can to make sure she’s safe.”

“I know you will.” She turned to face me and her eyes met mine. “Promise to keep yourself safe too?”

Meeting her sad eyes, I lost all will power. In spite of the fact that I’d just vowed to tell the truth, I would lie through my teeth to say the words she wanted, to make her feel better. “I promise.”

She smiled, and in that moment I knew the lie was worth it.

My eyelids drooped, so heavy that I couldn’t keep them open anymore. I barely noticed when Addie slid out from under my feet and slipped through the door.

An extra hour of peace per day didn’t fix everything, but it helped more than I expected. I wasn’t really less tired, but my brain seemed more functional.

On top of that, Addie coordinated when would be best for me to make eye contact with Mia, made sure she was in the right place at the right time, and distracted Mia right afterwards so she didn’t get all freaked out about it.

Finn spread a rumor that I’d had eye surgery and my eyes were really sensitive to light. It made everyone stop looking at me weird for wearing sunglasses indoors, and the teachers even left me alone about wearing them in class.

I’d even made it to a few of Jeff’s practices on days when Addie knew Mia would be staying late. Jeff seemed less frustrated now that I was showing up more often. It was a win-win.

My friends were amazing.

Even Mia’s nightmare was improving—or at least my attitude about it was. While the dream was almost exactly the same each time, the difference was me: if I had to be in Mia’s nightmare, I refused to just be the bad guy.

I could be the good guy too.

It was the only way I could fight my biggest fear. I wasn’t most afraid of dying anymore. It wasn’t at the top of my to-do list, for sure, but I was more afraid of the darkness within me. In Mia’s dream, I could face it in human form. I couldn’t affect her dream directly, but if I could convince her I didn’t want to hurt her in the dream, maybe I could convince her in reality too.

My first time back in the nightmare, we reached the dead end of lockers and I watched from the corner, bracing myself for the pain and horror to come, waiting for the monster to light the match and show my face.

“Threatening someone isn’t love,” Mia spat out again.

“Maybe you don’t know what real love is.” He lit the torch with a sneer as my voice spoke the now-familiar words.

Mia cowered away from the flames and I made my way around to the other side of her. My jaw ached from clenching it. Determination flowed through me, alongside her pain and fear. This time she wouldn’t have to face him alone. I grabbed her hand and squeezed. She stood frozen, watching the menacing flames move closer, but after a moment, I felt a small squeeze back.

I got closer to her shoulder and spoke low in her ear, not really sure what to say, but hoping somehow she would remember it.

“Mia, that isn’t me. The e-mails aren’t from me.”

For a moment, I thought her eyes wavered to the side—a quick glance in my direction, but it was too dark to be certain.

Darkness reached out and touched her face. She cringed and he grabbed her hair, smashing her head into the locker. My head throbbed. Mia screamed and blood ran down the side of her face.

“You’ll learn to love me and no one else.”

I fought the disgust I felt at those words spoken with my voice. I squeezed her hand tighter, trying to think of some way to snap Mia out of her nightmare.

Her eyes turned to mine and time stood still.

“You’re the monster.”

Her whispered words were a wrecking ball hitting me in the chest. Every hope within me shattered as I watched Darkness enjoying the fear that sparked in her eyes when he moved his torch closer. I felt weak from her emotions. And helpless, unable to clean up the mess I’d made. Unable to save her, I dropped my hand to my side and sat down in the corner, defeat crushing me like a bug beneath a shoe.

This was a mistake. I couldn’t do this again.

I tried to block out the scene around me. A shudder passed through me when I felt her fear as he touched the flames to her hair. Raising my gaze, I froze. My eyes locked on the one difference between this nightmare and the one before—Mia’s hand—the one I’d been holding as I spoke to her. It was the only part of her body that moved. It jerked erratically, grasping this way and that. She was searching for something.

She was searching for me.

I jumped to my feet and grabbed her hand. Immediately a small amount of tension seemed to flow out of it. She held on so tight it hurt, but I didn’t care. I enclosed her hand in both of mine and gave her every bit of strength I had left. After that moment, her emotions were dulled slightly, as if knowing she wasn’t alone took the edge off. I knew exactly how that felt.

With my eyes closed, I stood at her shoulder and rubbed the back of her hand with both thumbs. I spoke softly, reminding her over and over that it wasn’t real. It was only a nightmare. It would be over soon. Even as I felt a few drops of hot blood splash on my face and heard the hall echo with the clang of her head against the locker, I held on tight. My body shook with her pain, but I didn’t let go. Her grip on my hand never eased, even after there was silence and the nightmare blurred into nothingness.

My toes were nearly frozen when I woke up the next the morning. My window was pushed all the way up. I couldn’t remember opening it, but I did remember feeling hot at some point. I shrugged it off. After experiencing Mia’s nightmare this time, I felt almost hopeful. I needed to see if she would act differently toward me. I double-checked her schedule and got to school early, then convinced Finn to stand outside her first period class with me, explaining what happened as we waited.

She froze as she came down the hall, and stared at me.

Mia—dreams of the death of her parents … and being murdered by me.

Her eyes were narrowed, but also filled with confusion. It was something. It was different, at least. Normally she acted like even the sight of me could hurt her. Not this time.

Someone ran into her shoulder and she broke eye contact with a little shake of her head.

Finn’s eyes widened as she walked into the classroom across the hall from us without another glance. This could only mean one thing.

Mia remembered something. She had to.

“Some co-captain. Only shows up at practice when he feels like it.” I heard Matt’s murmur and turned to face him. Finn spun around, too, and as usual was ready to jump to my defense.

“Hey now … ugh!” Finn’s breath spilled out in a gush as we were both thrown against the lockers. Neither of us had seen Thor coming, but he walked through us like he was cutting through the streamer at a finish line. I heard his familiar low growl as he passed by with no apology.

It took a moment for us to figure out what had happened. Finn had a gash under his eye and blood running down his cheek. I sprinted after Thor, grabbed his shoulder, and yanked back as hard as I could. He lost his balance and went crashing across the floor.

“What’s your problem?” I yelled at him as students scattered out of our way. Matt stood nearby, laughing, but made no move to step in for either side. Clearly our soccer team wasn’t much of a team anymore.

Thor was on his feet in an instant. He was surprisingly fast. I knew that from soccer—it would’ve been good to remember it
before
I threw him to the ground, though. He had his massive hand wrapped around my windpipe in under a second. His momentum slammed me against the wall, and my feet dangled a foot off the floor.

Finn pulled on Thor’s arm but before he could loosen it, Matt grabbed his shoulder and pinned him against the opposite lockers. “Stay out of this, Finn. We’re just trying to teach our so-called
captain
what happens when he betrays the team.”

The edges of my vision darkened, but I finally got one of my flailing feet braced against the wall and swung the other one full force into Thor’s gut. He flew backward, catching Finn in his path and crushing him against the lockers. We all fell gasping to the floor.

The principal, Mr. Lint, pushed his way through the group of students surrounding the fight. I saw Blind Skull guy at the back of the crowd, but he was gone an instant later. Dude really had a knack for vanishing. Mr. Lint shooed the other students to their classes and didn’t turn to us until most of them were walking away.

Mr. Lint tossed back his shoulder-length gray hair and shook his head. Something about his face and the way he moved always reminded me of William Shakespeare in a sweater vest. “What’s going on here?” he asked.