Insipid (8 page)

LEYA, UPSET WHEN
she realizes that we have yet to celebrate my promotion, organizes a get together one Wednesday night after work at the bar located right next to our office. Coming from a company with more than 3,000 people in the same building, we could walk into this bar alone and end up with 50 other people that we know, so I’m not sure why she had to actually organize anything. True to form, I show up an hour late for my own party. I’ve disciplined myself well enough not to leave the office until I complete all my work, so a presentation that’s due the next day keeps me from arriving on time.

I see Leya as soon as I walk in, waving frantically to get my attention. “Jade, over here!”

“Hey. Who’s here?” I ask as I remove my coat and lay it on the empty seat next to me at the bar. I glance around to see whether I’m able to recognize some familiar faces. There are just too many of them, employees from different departments, making it difficult for me to pick out anyone in particular. So I find myself waving at people from every corner of the venue. Might as well cover all my bases by making sure that I’m consistent with my friendliness.

Leya and I have mostly male friends, probably because the women at work are younger than us, intimidated by us, jealous of us. Early on, we’d tried to assimilate ourselves into social events with the women from our office, but because of our friendship, we never really made the effort to go beyond casual acquaintances. My position in the company also plays a large part in this isolation. At this level, people are either in awe of you or hate your guts because of the tough decisions you make to prioritize the interests of the company. Whoever said life was lonely at the top wasn’t kidding.

“Steve, Mike, and Eric are getting drinks, and there are a few people from Strategy at the table across from us. The women from Research are approaching.” She motions towards them with an inconspicuous tipping of her head.

Melanie and Debbie, leggy brunettes with too much cleavage, approach us with drinks in hand.

“Hey, Jade,” Debbie greets, taking an embarrassingly large swig of her wine.

“How’ve you been?” Melanie asks. “Heard there was some hot guy on your floor for two weeks.”

I laughed at her comment. “Hot guy who?”

“I was at that closing meeting,” Debbie puts in. “There were definitely fireworks going on between him and Jade!”

“Jesus, Debb. What have you been smoking? He was a colleague here to finish up with a merger. Besides—”

Leya interrupts my oncoming tirade by lightly pinching my arm. “Jade, lets saddle up to Tom the bartender and ask him for our drinks.”

“Great idea,” I agree as we slide down the bar to catch Tom’s attention.

“Hey, Tom, two Moscow Mules, please!” Leya orders for us. “You were a little defensive over there,” she says, carrying our cold copper mugs to seats at the end of the bar. “What’s up? Spill.”

“Nothing,” I answer, staring straight down into my drink.
If I myself can’t figure out what the hell is wrong with me, how on earth will I be able to explain it to her?

“Jade. It’s me. You can tell me. It’s not like I don’t know what was going on,” she whispers. “Sarah from Planning actually made a comment about it the other day. She asked me point blank what the deal was between you and Martinez. She said she was on the floor late one night and and saw you and him deep in conversation in the conference room.”

“It was work related!”
My career! Everything I’ve accomplished up until now. If this gets out, it could all be over for me.

“She acknowledged that. She said you were poring over some documents, but that the electricity in that room was off the charts.”

“She’s making shit up. Please, Ley! Shut those rumors down! Shit like that will ruin everything we’ve worked so hard for. It will bring this company to its knees!”

“Jade,” she shoots me a warning look, “let’s talk about you.”

“I miss him.”

“Did anything happen when he was here?” I’ve obviously spiked her interest. She’s staring at me, eyes narrowed, intent on reading the expression on my face.

What does she think she is? A human lie detector?

“Did I sleep with him? No.”

“Okay. And that’s good?”

“I don’t know.”

“Jade! Please, no one word answers! Talk to me!” she exclaims, thumping her drink on the bar in apparent exasperation.

“I miss him, Ley, but he’s nothing to me. He doesn’t know anything about me, he doesn’t really make an effort to know me. I can’t even call him a friend.”

“Liar,” she says, looking straight at me.

I glance downwards to avert her eyes. “I wasn’t ready to say much,” I admit.

She starts to get excited. “Did you do anything with him, I mean physically?” she whispers.

“He touched me… he kissed me.”

“And?”

“And nothing. That’s just it. It’s all in my mind. I don’t know what anything means. He texts three times a day, he calls every few days. I feel vulnerable and exposed, Ley,” I yield to this fact, feeling like I’m one step from banging my head on the bar, but grateful that I can talk to someone about everything. “I wait for those calls, those texts. And I don’t like the fact that I do. I miss his nothingness in my life. His face. His voice. Is there even such a thing as nothingness? Missing something that’s not even tangible, something I can’t define?”

“Did you tell him about—”

“No. He’s like this young kid who just talks about himself. He asks about me once in a while, but I never go into real detail. I’m entranced by what he tells me, though. It was nice having a new friend…” I trail off, leaning back in my seat and nodding my head to Tom for another drink.

“Maybe it’s the newness, Jade. Maybe he’s a new and welcome addition to your life after everything you’ve been through.”

I shrug my shoulders casually. “Nah. He was a fling. It’s over. I’ll be okay. I just need to get him out of my head. Maybe not take his calls or texts. Maybe just move on with my life here.”

“It’s not that easy, Jade. You know that. Once you got physical, it took this “fling” on to a whole new level. And I must tell you—you’ve been smiling a lot more lately.”

I don’t let the comment sink in. The smiles don’t mean a thing; it would never work out. Nothing good can ever come of this. It was a distraction and it’s over. Women my age don’t have flings, and they don’t have heartbreaks either.

Or do they?

“I’m not going to jeopardize my job or my position in this company for this ‘fling,’ Ley. Trust me on this. I’ll be fine. Now let’s go back to those people or else someone will complain about my being unsociable by the time we return to work tomorrow morning.”

I don’t give her time to react as I hop off the bar stool and scoot away.

FALL IS SLOWLY
fading into winter. Not only am I feeling lifeless and mundane, but everything else around me is dying too. The trees, the leaves, the grass. No more flowers, less and less birds (though those are blessings). The resplendently rusty colors of the season are no longer visible to me. Life, it seems, is going south for the winter. It’s a slow day at the office with only one meeting in the morning. I had Noelle block my afternoon to allow me to review the merger papers and complete my final report. I take a short break and decide to call my best friend, Olivia, a painter who hails from Boston. Regal, charming and incredibly smart, she’s the ultimate embodiment of a creative mind. Her mood swings and artistic outbursts all contribute to the eloquence and poetry of her works. She’s outgoing and outspoken while I’m more reserved and systematic. She taught me how to be spontaneous, I taught her how to trust.

She answers the phone right before it goes into voicemail. “Sorry, I was vacuuming the house.”

“Again? You were doing that yesterday.”

“I know. I just can’t stand it when there’s fluff on the carpet.” She pauses. “Or anything else, for that matter.”

I let out a forced chuckle. “How’s the art exhibit going?”

“Almost ready.”

“Let’s do more tax planning okay? I know that this show will be another hit and we need to plan to put away some money for taxes next year.” I judiciously make a note on my pad to look into some stocks for her to invest in.

“Okay. But guess what?”

“What?”

“I bought another Louis.”

“Which one? I did too!”

“No way! Really? I just bought the Artsy Diamante. Blue.”

“I beat you. I bought the Limited Edition Graffiti.” I scroll through my camera roll and send her a picture of my newest baby.

“Jade! You said you would save money for our trip!”

“I know… but I figured if I can’t have Lucas, I can just have Louis.”

She laughs heartily at my statement. “True. Makes sense. Louis will never hurt you. He makes you look and feel good.”

“Exactly,” I concur with a giggle.
She makes me feel better already.

“So are we set for our trip? It’s in three weeks.”

“Yes! I’ll email you the flight confirmation and hotel is done too. Five star Ritz, baby.”

“Are we flying with the plebeians?

“Nope. First class.”

“Perfect. I love you. Are you getting better?”

“I’m fat and old.”

“No, you’re not. You know you’re gorg. Don’t just make up shit so I feel sorry for you. Stop it.”

“I’ll stop,” I say, not wanting to prolong this conversation. “See you in three weeks?”

“Yup. Hey, Jade? Have you checked in with our friend yet? You know, the one you should be talking to at least once a week?”

“No, I haven’t. Been busy.” I can feel my nose growing. The truth is, I haven’t been able to register my thoughts on anything lately, let alone open up to someone else about my most recent stupidity.

“There’s no excuse. You know you need to keep in touch with him. Will you promise to do that as soon as you hang up with me?” I hear her walking away from the speaker phone. This is so her, unable to stay in one place for very long.

I sigh heavily. “Okay, Olivia. I promise.”

“Okay. I have to finish my vacuuming. Talk later!” She hangs up without giving me a chance to respond.

Reluctantly, I search for his name and phone number in my Contacts directory.

He answers the phone immediately. “Hello, Jade.”

“Hi. I’m sorry I haven’t been calling. Work has been horribly busy, and I’ve been having a really tough time.”

“It’s okay. Just try to call me more often. It’s important that you keep your connection with those who can listen to you. You’ve been through so much—”

“I met someone!” I burst out with elation.

“You met someone where? Who?” He sounds confused.

“I’m trying to figure things out. It’s not right. Well, it’s probably just all in my head.”

“I’m sure it’s not just in your head. But regardless, follow your heart, Jade. You’ve left it alone to survive on its own for so long. Give it some well-deserved love.”

“Thank you. Promise I’ll call you next week.”

“Okay, until then, I pray for you every day.”

The phone beeps with an incoming call. I guess I’m not going to get any work done this afternoon.

“Hi!” I hear myself say.
That isn’t my voice. It’s a fake sing-song tone, winded and too ardent. This isn’t you, Jade.

“Hi. How are you?”

“Good. And you?”
I’m missing you terribly, I want to say.

“I’ve got great news. I’ll be in Chicago next week for an emergency meeting. We’re working on a campaign for the Christmas season. I’ll be there for a few days… might be intense, all work and late nights, but I want to sneak at least one night to see you.”

“I would love that.”

“Will you stay downtown so we can go out? Dinner or something?”

“Yes.”

“Stay with me?”
Yes, yes. I want to.

“Hmm. Maybe not, but I’ll take a hotel close to yours. Tell me where you decide to stay.” I pause for a second and add, “Can you try to stay far from this office? I don’t want us to be seen together.”

“Got it. Yes, of course. I’ll text you my hotel as soon as I book it.”

“I can’t wait to see you,” I reveal mindlessly.

“Me too. See you soon, Jade.”