Insane City (4 page)

an entirely different organ, or an unusually large hemorrhoid.

When they got home that night, he asked Tina why she wanted to be with him.

“Because I love you,” she said.

“But
why
?”

“You make me laugh.”

“So does Danny DeVito.”

“Yes, but he’s taken.”

He tried many times, but never really got a better answer than that. For whatever reason, Tina was

attracted to him, and for whatever other reason, she was not interested in explaining specifically why.

Eventually he gave up trying to figure it out. His feeling was, if this beautiful, smart woman wanted to be

with him, why ask why? And so, after a year of cohabitation, he had asked her to marry him, and to the

poorly concealed dismay of her friends and parents, she had said yes.

In their first few happy, innocent hours as an engaged couple, they talked of a small, informal

wedding, just immediate family and close friends. When Seth told Kevin about this, Kevin snorted beer

out his nose.

“What,” said Seth.

“Really?” said Kevin. “Small and informal?”

“Yes,” said Seth. “That’s what we want.”

“That’s what
you
want.”

“Tina wants it, too.”

“Tina
says
she wants it. She might even
believe
she wants it. But that’s not what you’re going to

have. Not once her mom starts reminding her about all the second cousins whose children’s weddings her

mom got invited to. Not once Tina starts reading the bride magazines. And
definitely
not once she meets

with the wedding planner.”

“We’re not having a wedding planner.”

“If you don’t have a wedding planner,” Kevin said, “I will get on my knees and personally blow you

at a major intersection during rush hour. Because, trust me, you
will
have a wedding planner. You’re

already caught in the force field of the wedding industry Death Star, my friend. It has you in the tractor

beam and it’s sucking you in. There’s no escape. You will also have a floral installation artist.”

“You mean a florist?”

“No, I mean a floral installation artist.”

“What the hell is that?”

Kevin snorted again.

Seth now knew what a floral installation artist was: It was a florist, only way more expensive. He

and Tina had one whose name, as the payee on checks, was Warren Kramsden, but who went

professionally by Raul—no last name, just “Raul.” They also had a wedding planner, whose legal name

was now Blaze Gear, it having been legally changed from Gretchen Wentworth. Blaze had two assistants,

Traci and Tracee.

Under the relentless guidance of these professionals, Seth and Tina’s small informal wedding for

close friends and family underwent wedding bloat, mutating into a large formal affair that would be

attended by many people neither of them knew. Seth objected at first, but he backed down when he

realized that Kevin had been right: Tina
wanted
a big wedding.

“Just go along,” advised Kevin. “Here’s how you look at it. Tina has a disease. Bride’s Disease.

They all get it. There’s no cure, except having a wedding. Until she has one, she’s going to be basically

insane. She’s going to demand that you give a shit about silver patterns. Just hang in there until the

wedding and then it’ll all go away and she’ll be basically normal again, except for sometimes making

people watch the video.”

Seth took Kevin’s advice: He went along. Over the past year, he’d spent countless hours looking

with a frown of attempted interest at place settings and cakes and calligraphy samples (they finally settled

on Bickham Copperplate, with swash capitals). He did his best to stay connected with what he thought of

as Real Tina, who was trapped inside Bride Tina; he saw glimpses of her, and sometimes even got Real

Tina to laugh at Bride Tina. But she hadn’t laughed much in recent months, and now that the wedding was

at hand, she hardly laughed at all.

She was definitely not laughing now. Seth couldn’t yet see her, as he trotted toward the baggage

carousel: a crowd of onlookers was blocking his view. But he definitely could hear her. She was using

her bullhorn voice.

“ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE FOURTH AMENDMENT?” she was asking somebody,

evidently rhetorically. “CAN YOU MORONS EVEN
COUNT
TO FOUR?”

Seth, trailing his carry-on suitcase and leaving the Groom Posse behind, started running toward his

bride.

4

Laurette knew now that she and her children were going to die.

The men had lied to her; the current was not taking the little boat to Miami. She saw nothing in any

direction but the dark, tossing Atlantic. The little boat was taking on water; it was over her ankles now.

From time to time she tried to splash it out with her hands, but it was difficult to do this while holding the

baby and with Stephane clinging to her.

The baby had finally stopped crying, too exhausted now even to whimper. Stephane was trying to be

brave, but his eyes shone with fear. Laurette hoped he could not see her own terror. She dared not meet

his eyes when he asked her, over and over, when it would end, when they would reach land. Soon, she

told him, over and over. Soon.

She prayed that, when death came to them, it would be swift.

5

Seth pushed his way through the crowd of onlookers and found a standoff at the baggage

carousel. On one side stood Tina, in jeans and a scoop-necked white T-shirt, looking angry but, as

always, spectacular. On the other side were two uniformed U.S. Customs officials, one of whom held a

leash attached to a German shepherd. On the floor between the two sides was Tina’s $950 Tumi suitcase,

which was open, revealing Tina’s wedding dress. This apparently was of great interest to the dog, whose

sleek black snout was zeroed in on the suitcase at a range of about two inches. Watching from several feet

away was Tina’s younger sister and maid of honor, Meghan, who would be considered beautiful if she

weren’t always being held to the standard of Tina, a comparison that lowered Meghan’s status to merely

very pretty.

“Hey, babe,” said Seth, reaching Tina’s side. “What’s going on?”

Tina looked at him for a second, registering his presence, then turned her attention back to the dog.

“If that animal drools on my dress, I will sue for damages,” Tina said. “That is my wedding dress,

and I am getting married Saturday. I am getting married
in that dress
. Do you understand?”

“We understand that, ma’am,” said the Customs agent holding the leash, a stocky, balding, worried-

looking man named Vincent Peppers. “You made that very clear. Several times.”

“Six times,” said the other Customs agent, a dark-haired, muscular man named Roberto Alvarez.

“But like I told you, ma’am,” continued Agent Peppers, “when we get an indication from the dog, we

have to investigate it. And Sienna alerted on your luggage.”

“Sienna?” said Tina.

“Sienna is the dog,” said Peppers. “It’s a color. Like the crayon. Burnt sien—”

“I
know
it’s a color,” snapped Tina.

“Well, not everybody does,” said Peppers. “So what we’re going to do is, we’re going to take out

the dress and . . .”

“You’re
not
going to touch the dress,” said Tina. “I am
getting married
in that dress.”

“Seven,” said Agent Alvarez.

“It’s hemp,” said Seth.

“What?” said Peppers.

“The dress,” said Seth. “It’s made from hemp.”

Tina wanted a green wedding and had insisted on using, wherever possible, sustainable fibers. The

floral installations featured organic, locally grown flowers, herbs and grasses; the wedding rings were

made from recycled gold. The band and the DJ had pledged to offset their electricity use with renewable

energy certificates. And to compensate for all the air travel, a company in Guatemala was theoretically

planting a shitload of trees.

“Who’re you?” said Alvarez.

“Her fiancé,” said Seth.

Alvarez emitted a snort. Seth gave him a look, got one back.

“It doesn’t look like hemp,” said Agent Peppers. “It’s white.”

“It’s
ivory
,” said Tina. “That’s a color. Like sienna.”

“You don’t need to patronize me, ma’am,” said Agent Peppers.

“Is there a problem here?” said Marty, arriving on the scene.

“Go away, Marty,” said Seth.

“Who’re you?” said Alvarez.

“I’m this woman’s attorney,” said Marty.

“No, he’s not,” said Seth and Tina simultaneously.

“Overruled,” said Marty. “Now, Officers, we can either do this the easy way or we can do it the . . .

Hey!” Propelled by a shove from Seth, Marty stumbled back to Kevin and Big Steve.

Seth turned back to Peppers. “Here’s the thing,” he said. “Hemp and marijuana are related, right? So

maybe your dog smells the hemp and he thinks it’s marijuana, so he . . .”

“She,” said Peppers. “Sienna’s a female.”

“A bitch,” said Alvarez, looking at Tina.

“An overly aggressive animal with a small brain,” said Tina, looking back. “And no ability to think

for itself.”

“Oh, Sienna’s pretty smart,” said Peppers.

“I’m not talking about the dog,” said Tina.

“My point,” Seth said hastily, “is that Sienna here has probably just picked up on the similarity

between the hemp fibers and marijuana.”

“Maybe so,” said Agent Peppers. “But we still have to examine the suitcase.”

“You will not touch that suitcase,” said Tina.

“I’m afraid we have to, ma’am,” said Peppers.

“No you don’t,” said Tina, stepping in front of the suitcase.

“Ma’am,” said Peppers, “if you don’t let us examine your suitcase, I’m going to have to bring the

police into this.”

“Go right ahead,” said Tina.

Seth said, “Um, Tina, maybe that’s not a great idea.”

She spun toward him, eyes blazing, and snapped, “Don’t you
dare
take their side.”

“I’m not taking their side. I’m just saying if he calls the police . . .”

“Let him,” said Tina. She added quietly, “I already called my father.”

“Oh,” said Seth. Tina’s father was the only person Seth knew who owned two personal helicopters.

As if on cue, Peppers’s phone rang. He removed it from its belt holster and said, “Hello? Yes, it is.

That’s right. And who . . . Oh.
Oh
. Yes, sir.” He listened for about a minute, said “Yes, sir” a few more

times, then reholstered the phone. His face was now the color of Hawaiian Punch.

“OK,” he said to Tina. “You can go.”

“What?”
said Alvarez. “Who was that?”

“I’ll tell you later.”

“Wait a minute,” said Alvarez. “She can’t just
go
.”

Tina smiled sweetly at Alvarez.

“Yes, she can,” said Peppers. “Come on, Sienna.” He led the dog away. Alvarez stayed a few more

seconds, looking at the suitcase. Then he looked at Seth and said, “I bet you’ll look beautiful in the dress.”

“Something for you to fantasize about,” said Seth.

Alvarez started to say something, then turned and walked away.

“Asshole,” said Tina, crouching to zip up the suitcase.

Seth said, “I can’t believe the dog reacted to the dress.”

Tina looked up. “It wasn’t the dress,” she said.

“It wasn’t?”

“It was Meghan’s pot. It’s under the dress.”

“Jesus, Tina,” said Seth, looking at Meghan, who smiled sheepishly. “What the hell?”

“She had it in her purse, but she got all paranoid that TSA would find it so she asked me to put it in

my suitcase.”

“And you
did
?”