Innocent Lies (25 page)

He pulled on my hair, yanking my
head up. He leaned in to kiss me, but stopped short of my lips.
“Say it. Say you’re mine.”

Ethan was not trying to control
me; he was scared of losing me. It was easy to tell in the way he
was shaking and the one single tear falling down his face. I would
had agreed to anything to soothe the hurt in him.

“I’m always yours. Always.” I
reached up to stroke his face. He barely kissed the tip of my nose.
Ethan eased me back on the mattress. He stood back up and removed
my shoes and pants, before slowly removing every square inch of the
clothing he was wearing. The show he made of revealing each ripple
on his body was almost my undoing. I unawarely smoothed my hand
down between my legs. His eyes went wide. I realized what I was
doing and blushed. I didn’t want to lose the lustful look in
Ethan’s eyes so I lifted my fingers and swirled my tongue around
them.

“Damn,” he said as
he dropped to the ground. “You’re going to pay for that.”

He started to rain kisses down my
thighs. “Mine.” He cut his eyes up and smiled as he run his nose
along the folds between my legs. “Better than the finest
wine.”

He was driving me crazy. “Ethan,
if you don’t fuck me right now. I’m going to take the mine thing
back.”

He twisted off me and onto his
back. His erection stood hard and proud. He stroked his hand up and
down his impressive length.

“Straddle me,
Privy.” He demanded. I did as I was told. “Easy, babe.”

The animalistic sounds he made as
he gripped the base of his cock fueled the fire deep between my
legs. I braced my body over his and held onto his shoulders. He
teased me with the tip of his erection. I slammed down on his cock.
I never wanted him to forget that moment. I wanted to sear the
feelings he had for me deep within his soul. I cried out as the
pain hit. I didn’t care. I was going to ride him with everything in
me. I plunged my tongue deep into his mouth to avoid the scream
that was trying to erupt to the surface. I lifted my hips and sunk
back down over his entire length. Damn, it burned, pulled, stung,
and felt absolutely amazing. The way his body bucked under mine and
the groans that rung from deep within his chest assured me I was
doing something right. I broke my lips away from his as I began
riding him faster. He placed his thumb between us and over my clit.
He worked it in circles as I rode him hard, stretching my entrance
with each thrust.

“Dylan, you have
no fucking idea.” He moaned a line of cruse words sending me over
the edge at the exact moment he emptied his seeds deep inside
me.

He sat up and snaked his arms
around my waist. His cock was still buried deep inside of me. “The
only guilt I have is not going that night to collect our money.
Than no one would have hurt you and I could’ve had my Privy every
day for the last five years. Married you, loved you, and never let
you know pain again.”

“Huh,” I muttered,
still somewhat dazed, and confused.

He lifted my body off of him
causing him to slip out of me. I cringed at the emptiness I was
left with. He tucked me under his arm and started to play with my
fingers that laid over his breastbone. “I was the one dad sent to
collect that night. I had a date and was tired of dad pushing me
around. I can’t even remember her name. Hell, I can’t even remember
what she looked like. I was the one that sent Jamie to your house.
I knew he was a sick bastard and didn’t care. I had better things
to do than worry about a few thousand dollars or who he hurt to get
it.” He clutched my upper arm. “I’ve tried making it up to you. I
can’t take back the past. Fuck, I want too. I want to be the one
that went that night. I would have taken you away from there. I
would have taken care of you, loved you, by now I would have
married you. But mostly, you would have never known that pain. I
did cause your pain. My beautiful Dylan suffered because I’m a
selfish ass. That is a guilt I’ll never stow. I won’t ask for your
forgiveness, because I don’t deserve it.”

I gripped his hip in a tight
grasp. I wasn’t holding onto him because I wanted to, but because I
needed to. Did Ethan really fall in love with me or was all this
because he held himself responsible for that crumpled girl he found
out in that field? I wouldn’t allow myself to be with someone that
was there out of guilt.

“Do you love me or pity me? I don’t
need any more pity in this life.”

“Pity you. Fuck, I admire you. I
have never wanted anything like I want you. Yes, the guilt I have
over that night is crippling, but that is not why I love you, babe.
You’re my peace. Hell to think about not having you is equivalent
to dying. You’re my lifeline.”

I couldn’t take another lie. Every
day, I woke up thinking the lies were over. Each day bought on a
whole new stream of lies. I never wanted to discover another lie. I
clung onto him for support. I was panicked because I knew what I
had to do. Protect whatever was left of my fragile heart. My body
was completely numb. I couldn’t move or even take deep breaths. I
had to hold it together until I got home.

“Dylan,” Ethan’s voice sounded far
away. “Don’t go there.”

I wasn’t. I had never been more in
the present than at that moment. “I want to go home. Please E, just
take me home.”

Monday, November 24,
2014

1:36 am the end of an
era

It was three days from
Thanksgiving. It dawned on me that it would be one less holiday I
could celebrate. The loss of Ethan was as pronounced as the loss of
my dad.

“We’re home,
Privy.” Ethan finally broke the silence between us. He tried
talking to me on the long ride home, but I was in no shape to talk.
I was about to leave the only man I could ever love. The man that
tried to have me killed. A man that beats other women for his own
pleasure. The man who sent my biggest nightmare to my door. A man
that has told me nothing but lies. He said he tried staying away.
Well, now, I would push him away.

“Talk to me. I’m
sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I didn’t know how.” He said, never
looking my way.

No, making me feel whole he had
down. Making love to me was his specialty. Making me feel
significant, he could handle. But telling me the truth was the one
thing he didn’t know how to do. I couldn’t take much more in my
life.

He climbed out of the truck and
slowly walked around to my side of the cab. I wouldn’t allow myself
to sit by him the whole drive home. Knowing, I would never truly be
his. That I would no longer be awoken by his kisses was all too
much. What we shared was dirty. All we ever had between us was a
lie. His eyes appeared to be drinking me in as he rounded around
the front of the truck. I wouldn’t feel for him. He was the one who
had lied. I told him who I was from the beginning. But then again,
he already knew who I was.

“I love you,” he
said as he helped me from the truck.

He never loved me. I was the one
person he felt like he failed. The innocent girl that hurt because
he was too self-absorbed to care. He had tried to make his mends,
but in doing so, he finished the job of destroying me. He leaned
into me. His nose tapped against mine. He curled my hands around
his neck. No matter what, I would always love him. No one else
would ever matter to me but Ethan Asher.

“Fuck, babe, I can’t stand this.
This is why I could never bring myself to tell you. I can’t handle
you knowing how I hurt you.”

I let my hand slip down his arm
and grabbed his hand. “Come on,” I said, trying hard not to
cry.

I led him in the house. The extent
of the pain I was feeling was excruciating. We entered into his
living room. He yanked my hand, spinning me around and into his
arms. “I won’t ask you to forgive me. Because I don’t deserve
forgiveness. Hell, I don’t deserve you, but there is nothing I want
more. When Devon called me, I had just finished flogging and
fucking whoever that girl was. I was pissed that he was even
bothering me. I was the youngest. I was supposed to have been the
fuck-up. But no, I was the one who had to clean up after everyone
else. I was ready to kill Jamie, Devon, hell you when I got out
there. I don’t know if it was the hair, the sound of your voice, or
for the fact you grabbed my ankle begging for help. Whatever it
was, I was immediately fascinated by you. I didn’t want to be.
Shit, I hated you for it. You were going to screw up everything.
But even if it did fuck up everything I knew, I was going to save
you.” His eyes closed.

“I gripped your ankle?”

I counted each breath he took in,
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8. His eyes popped open. “Yeah, I bent
down to see how bad you were hurt. You begged me not to hurt you
and grabbed my ankle. You were this instant calming force like I’ve
never felt before. God, it felt so good to be near you. It felt
right. You told me that I made you feel whole. Sweetie, your touch
healed me. Every time I was near you, everything I learned about
you, every time I heard your voice the fascination grew. Babe, I
shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t, but damn, I can’t help it. I love
you with everything in me.”

I willed myself not to cry. Hell,
I didn’t want to hear all this. It hurt bad enough as it was, but
if Ethan needed to tell me this crap then I would listen even if it
completely destroyed me.

“The night you
told me about your daddy dying, you ripped my fucking heart out.
You owned me after that. There was no going back. I was going to
find a way to have you. I wanted you to feel as special as you are.
I wanted to ease the pain you have in you. The pain I help put
there. I hate myself for everything that I caused you to go
through. The guilt has eaten me alive the last five years. I wanted
to give you the world. I still do. I’m completely wrapped up in
you.” His voice broke. “I can’t lose you, Dylan. I can’t imagine my
world without you in it, now. Please, Privy don’t leave me.” His
eyes were wet with unshed tears.

Ethan had stolen my heart and
destroyed it. I couldn’t let him tug at me like that again. There
was no other choice but to leave. We were tainted. “Ethan, I’m not
running. There is no coming back. I’m leaving for good. I can’t
take any more pain. Your brother hurt me, you destroyed
me.”

His arms wrapped around me. I
slung my arms to escape. I no longer wanted his hands on me. All he
was capable of was lying. My heart couldn’t take another
lie.

“Please don’t
leave me, Privy. I will never hide anything from you again.”

Ethan was the epitome of
desperation. I could no longer acknowledge him. The lies would have
never ended. He was pale and his eyes were bloodshot. I closed my
eyes. I couldn’t stand the fact he was hurting too. I loved him. I
never wanted him to hurt but I couldn’t take anymore.

“You can’t leave
me,” he pleaded. A lone tear ran down his face. He combed both
hands through his hair as he hung his head. He didn’t say anything
there was nothing left to say. My fragile soul shattered from his
defeat.

The pain was indescribable, it
hurt everywhere; physically, mentally, emotionally; it burnt
through my veins. I would never be able to love another like him.
He was the first man I ever loved. The only man I could’ve ever
willingly slept with. I clutch my stomach as a pain sliced through
me. The levees burst but the well was dry. The pain was too much
even to summon tears.

He dropped to his knees. “No,” he
screamed as a howl rocked his body. “Don’t leave me. I will love
you enough for the both of us.”

The hardest damn thing in the
world is giving up when you know you are giving up on everything
you have ever wanted. Deep down it hit me that the physical pain of
the attack had nothing on this, nothing compared to the devastation
of losing everything that mattered. I was once again the little
girl who had lost her daddy. There was nothing left but to walk
away. But first, I couldn’t walk away until I gave Ethan what was
left of my heart.

I knelt down beside him. The
expression on his face could only be described as perplexed. I
stroked my hand over his hair, feeling each strand of his blond
curls under my touch. He wiped the tears from my face. I kissed his
away. Ethan caressed my face and pulled back from my
kiss.

“What are you doing?”

I stood up and without a word
started to undress. He didn’t move as I pushed down my pants and
stepped out of them.

“Privy,” he said and shook his
head. “What are you doing?”

“I’m not one of
your girls at the club, but if you ever loved me at all make love
to me.”